What can I do to get more mucus in my ass for smoother shits?

What can I do to get more mucus in my ass for smoother shits?

Collect mucus from your nose and throat over the week in a tube. Syringe into ass. Have done before, does work.

That doesn't get it far enough up there. I want my entire alimentary canal to be a like a slip n slide. I want clean, smooth, quick poops.

Tell me the secrets of poocus! This is fucking serious! Someone must know!

Coconut oil.
Finger.
On.
Shove it right up there.
Finish your business.

NO. I'm not just talking about lubing my fucking butthole. I want turds formed with nice neat mucous packages like a baby bird.

yerba mate

not joking, the magnesium and caffeine in yerba mate makes for some really good laxative

it works fast too, like in 10 mins you have to shit

Take a horse dildo (life size) and cover it with some sort of lubricant, i prefer either coconut oil, or synthetic motor oil mixed with a bit of corn starch. Insert it all the way into your anus, then remove. Once you asshole is gaped open, pour about 300ml of your lubricant of choice in there. Repeat every 2-3 days, and your shit should be practically falling out of your asshole. You may need to use something like a buttplug to keep your shit in, i personally like to use a grapefruit or a softball.

I don't want liquid poops. I want firm, nicely packaged, clean loafs.

lol then drink less yerba mate, problem solved

NO! Stop telling me how to change the texture and consistency of my shit. I just WANT MORE MUCUS. THAT IS IT.

There is a disorder where you produce a ton of mucous in your rectum. Maybe you could try to give yourself those symptoms.

So do what that user said but chug the pint of mucus you collected. Boom, instalubed GI tract.

eat more fats and oils

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insoluble fiber and fat

Asacol

>not squatting when you shit

Soluble fiber (Oats, Brown Rice) for lubing your intestines
Insoluble fiber (Vegetables, Psyllium Husk) for bulky poops

I can help you with your problem.. Meet me in the showers

I don't want to get fat too though!

You better be hairy.

This. 1-3 tbsp Psyllium husk shaken into orange juice for that placebo pulp effect once a day for god-tier shits.

Bonus points for saving on toilet paper.

I tried psyllium. It's fucking intolerable. It's so fucking disgusting.

>Tfw you'll never get your poop question answered

Maybe slippery elm bark.

You just made me think of something. I should research herbalism. I'm not sure any of my books wold have anything to increase mucus production but they might. I believe Slippery Elm is one.

>more mucus in my ass

Could you spare some for a less fortunate soul?

Hearty kek

stop eating fiber.
eat greasy foods.

Chug a lot of sauerkraut brine.

dont listen to this retard. Eat more SOLUBLE fiber for smoother shits and INSOLUBLE fiber for larger shits. Both types of fiber are great for your health and wonderful predictors for longevity.

Fiber never helps because it dries me out. I NEED MUCUS!

Drink more water, it'll help with your mucus issue too. Also, try canned pumpkin. Like an entire big ass can.

It doesn't. I drink like a fish.

>Also, try canned pumpkin. Like an entire big ass can.
Jesus Christ all these recommendations are trying to make me fat.

dude i dont know what to do. i try to put a cup of oats into smoothies with milk, fruit, yogurt and peanut butter and almonds and all the oats do is cause me to have horrible soft shits that burn when they come out and leave a ton of residue on my asshole that even after dabbing patting and wiping a lot, i have to literally rub my asshole with a soapy finger to get it clean, like it never ends, and oats have alot off iber

im starting to not believe in the fiber meme

Fiber is and has always been a meme. Fiber can actually make you severely constipated.

Pumpkin is pretty low calorie dude, one of those 29 ounce cans isn't even 400 calories. You'd have to try pretty fucking hard to get fat on pumpkin.

>tfw hairy ass forces me to shower after every shit

Take fish oil supplements
Eat a banana and some raisins
Eat yogurt
Eat stuff with a lot of fiber in it
Drink a lot of water
Poop every day so you don't get constipated

My poops are smooth and clean as fuck but my asshole still bleeds because it's too small

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