Butt health/fitness

>welcome to flavor town

I've had trips to funky town, but the rare occurrence of reaching flavor town.... my boy..... I go tonsil deep muh nigga

Worst oral story of mine is:
>meet 6/10 Asian chick at work
>sexual tension for months
>start hanging out
>we both horny af
>she goes down on me
>then whips her legs over my head
>we doin the 69
>tastes sweet, it's subtle, but I'm enjoying it
>feel bits of food in my mouth
>wtf
>I'm spittin out stuff on the sly, things I'm assuming are from the dinner we just ate
>more shit accumulates in mouth
>what the fuck
>she's on top so I'm kind of stuck
>I cum, she just sits on my face like I enjoy eating pussy when I'm not horny, not realizing my interest in this ass on my face is fading exponentially
>she eventually gets off after grinding on my jaw for 5-10 more minutes while my entire face is numb from getting my work in, tongue and jaw game on point
>turn on lights
>bits of fucking tampon everywhere
>I've been chewing on fucking disintegrated tampon particles for almost 40 minutes

Mfw

girls = doo doo
if you're ever with a girl and not smellin hella doo doo, it's because she's successfully masked it with perfume. but you're still licking straight doo doo off her body.

even third world countries have better anal hygiene then western countries

she probably never cleans it because she thinks it's gross to touch her anus. might have to find a new gf

>arm fat

2/10 would not bang

sorry bro, women on their periods instinctively try to seduce and dominate beta providers

I just vomited in my mouth.

Not sure why, but my girl has never smelt of feces. Its one of the good parts of her. I am also convinced its due to her personal hygiene and diet.

not just using baby wipes.

gtfo with that inconvenient expensive shit

Brehs.... I know this feel all too well

>be reserved, quiet dude in the neighborhood
>finished with school, did all the required training to make myself more marketable, but unable to get a job so stuck at home
>not a lot of luck meeting women cuz loner
>go outside one day, see chick just going for a jog
>I decide fuck it.... I'll start jogging the same time and maybe we will make conversation one day

Fast forward

>eventually get on friendly terms
>she the type of girl that spends hours making sure her hairs just right
>I'm not sure I'm her type but I don't care anymore, I can be Dana's friend
>one day while we are sitting around lazily, getting some sun in the backyard
>she doesn't even say anything but decides to move her face down to my crotch
>she wraps her tongue around it.... feels good man
>next thing I know I'm hitting it doggy
>smell of ass is funky as shit but I don't really care
>going deep, she tries to step forward a bit
>naw fuck that ima bust this but
>hittin cervix
>I feel it
>going so hard she starts puking
>she starts eating her puke while we are fucking
>WTF
>she's telling me to go "Rough!"
>I'm confused
>neighbor sees us
>runs over all fucking pissed
>BAD BOY ! BAD BOY
>fuck off man I'm busy
>dad comes over and peels me off
>some shit about Dana being pure bred and in heat
>I'm just some mut
>never see Dana again
>owner doesn't let me outside anymore
Pic related

>inconvenient, expensive
H O W
O
W
Do you usually wash your other body parts with baby wipes?

dude I almost just threw up my oats

shut ur butt

At least my butt doesnt smell of literal shit

aww sweetie, do you have the perfumed bottom of a dainty little princess?

compared to baby wipes it is

Makes me want to subtly force the girl into taking a shower before having sex. I'll make her think it's just part of the experience, be like
>oohh yea baby let me rub this lufa on your pussy, you like that shit
>you like passion dragonfruit body wash or mango peach?
>Yea let me scrub your body in this shit
>let me turn that chocolate starfish pink for you
>You like it how I dry you off baby?
>Hell yea lets have sex now

i like this

Pff show her face I'll be the judge of that. I bet she's no higher than a 5

How? installing a bidet is like, 150$? And then you are done with the costs (0.1 cents of water a month or so? kek). It's really not more than baby wipes, and you never have to buy that shit ever again.

You don't need a bidet, just get in the shower.

Holy shit, I cant stop laughing.

>showering evry single day
>"got my hand dirty cooking, better shower instead of using a specific bathroom appliance"

What if you slip a few altioids under your tongue and when you do the doggy, you place the altoid over the butthole

...

>instead of using a specific bathroom appliance
My argument was obviously made with the point being that you don't have a bidet. Buying and installing a bidet is easier and cheaper than jumping in the shower? Are you being intentionally difficult?
Besides who said you need to take an entire shower? Just wash your ass and get out, it doesn't even take two minutes.

I sell bidets for a living

this happened to me one time, went to do doggy on this chubby bitch but as soon as i got behind her i smelt that reeking smell of feces and i lost my boner. she ended up sucking me off when i had a semi and i still came in her mouth but man that was gross

now i got the perfect gf, pussy tastes good every time, she washes it with soap, even lets me fuck her in the ass every now and then and she doesn't even mind it.

dude baby wipes, soap and bidet masterrace reporting in. nice to know that you got the cleanest arse in the country.

My gf and I always take a shower beforehand. There's never any bad smells and her pussy always has a neutral taste

24k gold plated deluxe bidet with 4 pressure settings reporting in

Fuck outta here with ya pleb shit you scrubs

That's just overkill, i bet you dont even wash your hands as much

Is there a polite way to tell a bird to scrub her arse more

>no wi-fi controlled colon bio-analyzer
It's like you want to be dirty

b o i

nope. wash hands all the time.

Don't Americans have those little shower heads next to the sink in their bathrooms? Just blast your ass with those desu.

Politeness went out the door when she wafted her shit smell in your face. Tell her to wash her dirty ass.

Mfw I hit it from the back....
And I see the asshole start winkin,
Then the room start stinkin....

>110lbs
>5'9
pick one mate, if she's both of those then she's a skeletor

made me lol

Virgin here.

So girls butts DO smell? This is troubling.

>dat pic
>5'9", 110 pounds
hah

>24k gold plated deluxe bidet with 4 pressure settings reporting in

yes, so does yours

She looks very very similar to a girl I know, I'm almost 90% sure it's her, the leg day comment really convinced me that it was her, your a fucking shit head, your fucking disgusting.

>getting bits of poo splashed everywhere.

I love my gym. I really do. But I've had it up to HERE with these monthly butthole inspections.

I put a lot of thought into my workout program. I've made it, easily. There's no reason I should have to endure the humiliation of going before the gym owner and his trainers, dropping my squat plug, bending over, and spreading wide for a full anal analysis.

According to the chart, my b-hole is a "Cheerio" type, the smallest allowable size in our gym. I get bitched at for this every time, but I honestly don't know how to fix it? Gym Lord himself claims to have a "Fruit Loop" which is the "statistically perfect fitness anus."

This system never really bothered me until last week, when I saw a really ripped friendly Chad banished from our gym for sporting a "bagel" anus, which is three sizes too big. (Our gym only goes from "Cheerio" to "mini-doughnut," although exceptions can be made based on the shape of the hole and level of pinkness).

It's also unfair how the guys with the best assholes get first pick of squat racks as well as free premium plugs. I contribute more to our gym than anyone in Gym Lord's inner circle, but get rejected from their clique because I was born with a "less impressive" anus. By the way, I have seen the holes of every guy in the top 10, and they're hardly majestic.

On top of this, there's the obvious problem of not being able to eat the morning of my routine or the night before, for fear of accidentally passing gas during the inspection. That's a worse crime than excessive hair, or even failing to thoroughly wipe yourself. The one and only guy I've ever seen play the butt trumpet during his inspection was blacklisted from every gym in the state. I'm not going to lie though, if I ever wanted to quit working out, I'd do so by deliberately ripping a toot right in the head inspector's smug face.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel like the normalization of anal inspections has cheapened my once-noble, fit hobby. But I understand if you disagree.

>Pic related
There is no way in he'll the girl in your pic is 110 lbs unless she's 5 feet tall lol. You're obviously delusional

but y would he lie though? short girls are hotter........

Tampons don't break apart like that unless it's been up there for like a month. It's might have been chunks of vaginal yeast infection, it turns the vaginal lining from clear and next to tasteless/odorless to a thick white smelly chunks. That's more likely what you were molesting with your tonsils

Nah man, you can get an entry-level bidet for under $50 and install it yourself. Idk where this idea that bidets are expensive luxuries came from, they're pretty cheap if you don't need features like oscillating nozzles and heated water. Plus they save you money on toilet paper.

This. I traveled in India for a while of all places, and even they have bidets. You c a order them on amazon for under 30 bucks, btw, and they're very easy to install.

>tfw from third world country and still have better anal hygiene
use some water faggots

hey at least you didn't eat shit like i first thought you did

Someone screencap this shit

Kek, have a (you)

put me in the screencap mang

You washing away the testosterones bro. You should shower (clean pits and ass cracks), wait a couple hours or so until you gain your natural musk and then hit that shit.
> girl will associate your natural smell with sexual pleasure

Your hands don't have shit come out of them
Bidets as cheap as $25 are available that just sit under your toilet rim and attach directly to your water supply line

>"you're the perfect size omg"
virgin detected. no woman would say that while having sex. it's fucking weird.

holy fuck that caught me way of guard

Bidets, and no we do not.

...

I honestly thought you were gonna talk about the trip to flavor town. Not this shit lmfao

>TL;dr

I love abit of musky ass. Although it can be a fine line between musk and shit, heaven or hell.

C H I N K E D
>the Asian in charge of hygiene

Honestly considering having one installed in my bathroom.

virgin detected

my girl says stupid shit like this all the time

"we were made for each other"
"your dick is perfect for me"

subtle kek

wtf is entry level bidet

Lmao white people problems, just fucking get a toilet shower like a civilised arab god damn.

Hello rebbit

Haven't laughed out loud to something in months but you got me

It only sprays water at your asshole. The more advanced models have features like adjustable nozzles, automatic moving nozzles, a built-in heater, and enema attachments (yes it's a real thing).

>be last week
>go over to a coworker's place, who lives with a few other people including good looking, short-haired hippie girl
>we all drink a bunch of whiskey, I start flirting with her
>all go out to a bar, flirt more there
>at some point we're all talking about hair and she drops the whole "we need to challenge body hair beauty standards" meme
>ohgodoneofthesegirls.jpg
>figure it's no big deal, seems like she'd keep it in shapley and ordered and pubes have never been a deal breaker for me
>uber her and myself back to my apt
>she runs to the bathroom, I put on some music
>she comes back and we immediately start making out, shit is hot
>get her shirt off, very nice bobs
>get on top of her on the bed
>put my hand down her pants to rub her clit a bit
>hand suddenly gets lost in a Cambodian jungle
>was not expecting this amount of bush, forgot my machete
>Eventually able to John Rambo my middle finger to the sweet spot
>she starts moaning, I'm a little put off by the amount of pubic hair but keep going for it
>she starts moaning louder
>stops me so we can get nekket
>eventually get back on top of her fingering her again
>pinky goes AWOL to recon her bumhole and, i'll be damned, full layer of bush trailed down to and ringed around her rosie
>bring it back up and she stops me, pulls my head into her and whispers "go down on me"
>oh boy, here we go

(cont…)

(cont.)
>get on the ground on the side of the bed
>close my eyes so i'm not turned to stone and pull her by her legs to my face so her crotch is right in front of me
>her bush smells TERRIBLE
>smells like urine, gooch sweat and rusty coins and tastes like it too
>no turning back now
>spread the lips and plunge my tongue through the depths of her rainforest, eventually able to engage Charlie
>pubic hair literally going up my nostrils at this point
>disgusted but keep pressing on
>give her a good few minutes of the ol' lickaroo
>vaginal fluids flood the bush like a monsoon rain
>holding my breath so as not to aspirate on the rancid jungle juice
>not too long later I've had enough, get on top of her and start fucking her
>pussy feels nice, shit is cash even though I've got the taste of her willful bodily negligence in my mouth still
>start going faster
>dick kind of starts to get sore for some reason
>without warning she stops me and flips me over, gets on top
>starts going down on me
>feelsgoodman
>after a few minutes she draws herself back up and whispers "go down on me" again
>Glad the lights were off so she didn't see mfw
>In the throes of everything, decide to just do it
>get off the bed in the same position as before
>First blood pt. 2
>this time everything is soaked in stank from the get go, still have pubic hair flossing itself between my teeth from the last time
>Go balls to the wall and eat the shit out of her stinky pussy while holding my breath
>pubes feel like a wet mop on my face
>she moans louder and louder
>I've fucking had enough, flip her over and doggystyle her till Alpha company has landed
>get off of her and immediately turn on a lamp to go to the bathroom
(cont…)

(cont.)
>bedside light comes on
>HOLY FUCK I'm covered in blood
>she's still face down on my bed and she, my sheets and pillows are covered in blood, looks like a fucking murder scene
>turn the lights back off and go back to the bathroom, look in the mirror and my face looks like I actually consumed the bitch
>immediately jump in the shower and start cleansing myself
>she decides to come in and join me in the shower(which really only has room for 1 person), covered in blood, acting like nothing happened
>"I...didn't know you were on your period" I said, as the menstruation flowed down my legs into the rose'-colored drain puddle
>"Oh, yeah. I took out my Divacup when we got here"
>scowl on the inside
>get cleaned up and change my sheets
>she decides to fucking stay the night
>gone by the time I wake up, left a note saying lets do it again
>no fucking way in hell
>realize the burning sensation on my pecker was rug burn from the bush on the sides of her cooter, both sides of penis are rubbed raw
>have the smell of her pussy on my dick, hands and beard still
>take another shower to no avail
>smell lingers for the next couple of days

I think now, looking back, I do not shame the hippie girl, I shame myself. The shame was in me. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure the bush will be, fighting with my nose for what Veeky Forums called "possesion of my soul." There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who do survive the bush stink have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

I'll take things that never happened for $1000.

Do you really believe a tampon would "disintegrate" during oral? Do you really think a thot you barely know would let you eat her out with her plug still in?
5/10 for fooling all the other virgins.

No one cares if you believe it
It mentions sexual tension for months,
Coworker- not barely known or just met

Also you've never dealt with a torn tampon, the absorbent material inside comes out like tiny cotton particles

>Meet a girl off tinder
>5/10 least shes not fat
>Get to banging and all I can smell is Papa John's Garlic Sauce
>Trying to figure out what it is, was at her apartment so i'm thinking she must have a tub of it open somewhere
>Switch positions, shes riding me now
>Smell is stronger now, the chick is sweating like a fucking pig (no AC in her apartment)
>Holding her waist as she rides me, hands are dripping wet with her sweat
>Go to slick back my own hair and get a huge hit of the Garlic Sauce smell
>Smell my hands, they stink of it
>Her fucking sweat smells like the Garlic Sauce

First and only time I had lost an erection during sex. Between her insane sweating and the stick I couldn't do it anymore.

Or dry skin from her vagoo.

>she's telling me to go "Rough!"
JEJ

>

>hook up with my ex with the intentions of hate fuck
>think it's going to be hot and intense
>he comes over and we watch a movie /talk
>eventually start making out and taking off clothes
>love getting eaten out and of course take very good take of myself so that was not the issue
>always shower, have summers eve, use a bidet
>ask ex to go down on me cuz that's my favorite thing in the world ^_^
>looks at me, hesitates, and then goes "ok fine but only for a couple of mins"
>I look at him and go "uhh how about no"
>slowly start to put my clothes back on and pretend like it's nbd
>he gets all defensive and goes "nononono. I love going down on u but I just don't know who else you've been with"
>don't care
>kick him out as he pleads when me begging me to forgive him
>angrily goes "u know it's - bro code - that guys don't like going down on girls"
>not even going to reply to this moron
>he's an x for a reason. gtfo and have a nice day
>basically kicked a dude out because he didn't want to eat me out lols

Me again. Teeeheee.

>meet dude off okc
>lose my v card to him
>he's got some good traits and some Meh traits
>good : 6 foot, white, and decent body
>bad : ugly stained teeth, ginger, likes to strictly go Dutch
>alright.jpg
>one day we're fucking and he asks me to go down on him
>it stinks like whatever stinky circumcised dick smells like
>like expired feta cheese
>look at him and go "Ew it drinks"
>goes to the bathroom and washes off his dick in the sink

Fuck. Dumb typos make me angry.
Stinks*

My stories are not that amusing. I have pretty normie sex and I'm very reserved so I don't just fuck anyone. This eliminates a lot of potentially dirty people. I just wanted to contribute so there'd be diversity.

He was memeing you man