Plate dispenser needs an oil change

>spend all day on smith machine because it shits out tickets like crazy
>ez pz, much faster than using squat rack
>finally get 12,000 tickets
>take them up to the front desk to trade them in
>point to the legs on the top shelf and tell the receptionist I want those
>receptionist is about to get them when the animatronic Rippetoe walks up
>tells him I cheated the gains by using smith machine
>receptionist gives me all my tickets back and says he can't accept them since I didn't get my gains fair and square like the other kids
>mom tries to argue for me but they won't change their mind
>cry and run up to hide in the tubes
That was an hour ago, this is the last time I come to Bulk E Cheese

>the gym bat escaped it's cage
>gym ebola outbreak

>try out the new hip abductor machine
>can't walk

>gym orrery broken again
>can't align my workouts to the motions of the planets for astronomicly enhanced gains

>leg press' nitride diffuser gave out
>Elliptical machines suffered mass telemetry failure and require in-depth troubleshooting from a certified specialist.

>be 6'0
>walk into new gym
>looks kind of dingy, but like the equipment and price
>hit my head on the sign by the entrance
>tell the receptionist they should hang it a little higher
>she tells me there's a bigger section in the back
>what
>doubt, but go to check anyway
>its actually there
>massive cathedral-style doors on what otherwise looks like a common strip mall building
>doors read +6'
>open gilded doors
>greeted by buxom aryan women carrying tall protein shakes and preworkout
>6'8 viking-looking man gives me a warm smile and nods
>suddenly his attention turns to the door
>5'11 guy opens the golden entrance
>viking man charges at him
>clean and jerks lmao1manlet and drops him across the parking lot
>goes back to his post
>everyone in this section of the gym starts laughing
>mfw i'm only 6'0 in 2" shoe lifts

>gym has new owners
>they're steampunk entheusiasts
>close the gym for renovations for a few weeks
>feel gains regressing, eager to get back
>first day reopening
>go in
>gym filled with coal smoke and smog, human waste running down the corridors
>protein drink dispenser replaced by grubby man selling baked ham legs
>gym twink replaced by cockney gym twink
>brass gears and leather stuck seemingly randomly to all equiptment with no regards for balance, a 10kg dumbbell might be 11kg on one side and 13kg on the other
>snooty ladies in fancy dresses scoffing at people while they lift
>manlet pit mostly unchanged
>tiny zeppelins flying around everywhere
>one of the cardio bunnies FUCKING DIED using a treadmill that was placed too close to a tesla coil

A-at least it's not planet fitness, I guess.

>the powerlifting gang tried to recuit me again
i just want to remain neutral, ok?

>gym warp core malfunctions mid-set
>drop out of hyperspace in the middle of the Manlet Zone

>try to go to the gym but the transporter malfunctions, sends a clone of me to the gym but I stay home
>he goes and gets mad gains while I resign myself to more weird holodeck porn
>captain has to resolve the ethical dilemma, puts the vote to the crew, they vote for chad-me (obviously)
>captain can't kill me so exiles me into the Manlet tubes around engineering instead
>forced to live off of vermin and the occasional redshirt

everyday I pray for the warp core to fail and blow up this fucking hell ship

>your gym has an animatronic Rippetoe

Count yourself lucky. My gym's only got robot Blaha and a broken Piana.

> gym ghost taking sips of my protein shake when I'm bench
I got bigger problems

>when the last guy doesn't wipe down the fingerbox after using it

>gym apiarist is away
>bee hives are totally out of control
>rogue bee colony has set itself up in the power rack, no one can curl
>honey tap has run dry
>some manlet got out of the pit and pried open the protein dispenser, now the bees are beefy as hell and spend all their time lifting instead of pollinating
>gym arborists and horticulturists are beyond pissed

I TOLD them they should have gone with a closed-loop microbiome

I think Piano man's past broken at this point user

Garage gym master race here.

Just stopping by in this thread to gloat.

>drop my protein shake
>Gym Shaman spots me not doing perfect form on my squat to pick it up
>summons his gains goblins
>they steal my gains
>sentenced to a week in Manlet pit
>mfw I didn't even get my protein shake back

>The squat racks have begun to gather cobwebs
>Old blood stains on the treadmill remind you what happens if you stop running
>The bench presses rattle and shake at night, even though the gym has been closed for decades

>tryouts were yesterday
>I had the worst total of the entire gym
>designated as gym trap for third month in a row

how the FUCK do you come up with this shit??

>Gym jester starts fucking with me during my squat set
>"IS THEE GOING LOW ENOUGH? OH! HA HA! IS THEE GOING LOW ENOUGH FOR THE GYM MAIDEN! ME THINKS NOT!"
>Get really pissed
>Load on too much weight
>Cant finish set
>Drop to ground
>Gym jester laughs and jumps around
>"THE STRONG MAN FELL! THE STRONG MAN FELL! SURELY HE HAS GONE LOW ENOUGH NOW!"
>Everyone starts laughing
>Punch jester in the face
>Get tossed into the manlet pit by gym guards

I'm 5'11 I'm not even a manlet...

>go to work out on the bench press
>someone moved the press away from the bench

>Manlet Duke comes to gym with hydraulic legs
>He's recruiting more to his cause
>Cyborg manlets are growing in number

I think they're going to rise up again lads. Better get ready for a fight.

>Gym rival asked me to come and stand with him to talk about our differences
>In the middle of a heart to heart he shoves me into the manlet pit
>Had to eat one of the nasty little fuckers just to maintain my gains

Dark times are ahead my friends.

>a man drives his squatting rack up to my garage gym
>says he needs his plates polished
>his barbell is corroded
>his protein powder tank is nearly empty
>lifting plug hangs loose
>refuses the servicing, says he knows a guy who will do it cheaper
>drives away angrily looking out of his rack

He's never gonna make it.

>gym chronomancer is making my rest times disappear again

>get behind payment on my gym membership
>have to swim to the squat rack island

>ATP tax collector is making his rounds unscheduled
>I have been dodging this chap for three weeks
>hide face-down on the glute abduction machine for a couple sets
>qt comes by and asks to work in
>too ashamed and stride away towards stairmaster that faces the corner
>gym centenarian sprints from across the floor to claim that spot
>I glance around and see the ATP tax collector just cornered a creatine smuggler
>this might be my chance to get away
>pull up hoodie, hands in pockets and stroll towards front desk exit
>"sir, we received reports that you left 0.7 microliters of sweat on the glute abduction machine"
>The qt was actually an undercover ATP agent
>Tax collector detains me and scans my ATP levels
>Federal offense levels of possession
>"Surrender your excess ATP or spend a year in the manlet pit"
>Refuse his terms
>ATP is confiscated and I'm thrown in the pit anyway
>There are smugglers tossing creatine in the air like bread for seagulls
>I meagerly lick some scrap particles off the floor

Goddammit user, how'd you piss him off that bad?

Accidentaly worked in his bench while he was in the water fountain and spent 1465 years there.

>workout at gym
>gains delivery man late again
>injury

fucking hell why do i even do this

>New gym only allows deadlifting in the gym sepulcher, decorated with the bones of gymbros who went to snap city

>Manlet pit doing sacrifices to the cold season again
>Chants of "Grow, Grow, Grow" fill the gym daily now
>Caught two Manlets in boots yesterday and sent them back to the pits
>They were sacrificed for attempting to escape before the cold had truely come, displeasing the winter gods

Winter is tough.

>grubby man selling ham legs
Holy fuck my sides

>manlet pit is empty
>biggest manlet ate all the other manlets
>grew enormously wide
>gym lawyer gets him freed from the pit because he's now 6 feet tall if he lies on his side
>someone must fill the empty pit
>gym warriors start hacking at each other's shins to reduce their enemies' heights

>Left my gym parked for too long and it got towed

Fuck my life

>gym Twink spots me during deadlift
>Drop the barbell because his erection was poking my butt

...

>Training calves too close to smith machine
>Gains goblins come crawling out from under the smith machine and steal the whole herd

Train them in the gym track and field next time moron