What is the best method for clearing 10 pounds of shit (feces) from my system?

Have you tried not eating fast food/school food.

That stuff is fucking terrible for your digestive system user. Especially pizza. Was constipated for years until I quit fast food.

Holy shit that would be disgusting. Nah man, just chug the oil, then eat the delicious Bran to get the taste out of your mouth.

Just do everything in this thread and get a laxative. Should do the trick if not you are dead.

I did this once
I had no idea the human body could hold so much shit
Drink plenty of fluid too, you'll lose a lot of that as well

all of the above plus, crucially, chain smoke like 4 cigs at once. my morning cig would make me desperately need to shit without fail back when i smoked, even if i'd not needed it beforehand

Just grab an enema. It'll be all over in 20-30 minutes or less. It's unpleasant and your anus might hurt depending on how plugged up you are, but the other stuff takes longer, may not work or may be unpredictable. Follow the instructions on the box, it's simple.

Caffeine is a potent laxative. If you drink a pot of coffee followed by a Monster Zero or two you’ll probably be exploding on the toilet within an hour. If not, see a doctor for sure.

Miralax is G.O.A.T

laxatives fuck up your internals, Miralax forces your shit to absorb more water to become easier to pass

Trust me. Months of constipation problems, Gastro recommended.

2 tsps sea salt(you can do regular, pink, grey whatever just make sure it's sea salt and not iodized) into one liter of water(you can warm up the water before adding salt to make sure it dissolves). Drink it all within 5 minutes, at least an hour after your last food. Wait about 30 minutes and then you should really be feeling it. Prepare for an hour or two of intense shitting followed by the feeling of being entirely clean.

3day water fast and then on the fourth day eat nothing but laxatives. Make sure you have nothing planed for the fourth day

get a thing of miralax and 2 32oz things of gatorade.

>put two doses into each gatorade.
>Chug the first one
>when the toilet calls chug the second one
>don't forget your phone or magazine.

Bullet Proof Coffee,
>stay close to a toilet

play with your anus, fuck it with something thin, try to hit your prostate while there because you're in the neighbourhood.
this sensation will bring the poop urge in a few mins.

A heavy night of drinking usually completely clears the pipes for me.

That only really happens if you haven't been drinking coffee for ten years, noob

Opiates?

Warm water with Epsom salt. You're asshole will bleed.

Find something that's sweetened using sugar alcohols instead of sugar. Anything will do, I use the sugarfree Werther's Originals. Now, buy a bag of at least 2 pounds of it. Eat the whole bag. All of it, in one sitting. You will ascend to a higher plane of shitting. Whatever immovable blockage is lodged in your colon will be met with the unstoppable force of sugar alcohols. You'll be clear, definitely of shit but possibly also organs or bones. You'll know the time approaches when your stomach starts making sounds like 2 angry bears fighting in a wind tunnel. When you hear the sound, grab something to bite on, mount your porcelain throne, and unleash hell.

Smoke all the pipe tobacco you can stomach.

Oatmeal does the trick for me, use to have to give birth taking a shit. Now it shoots out like a pistol.

bowl of cereal every morning
my shits have been glorious since

But user said no magnesium

Try to get your hands on one of these, or some other variants of "seidlitz powders" / "bitter salts"

This class of mineral waters is mildly laxative, and can be used long-term without any other health risks, as opposed to Epsom salts.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zaječická_hořká
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seidlitz_powders

What's the issue with iodized salt?

short answer:
see a doctor

long answer:
chew half a piece of the lowest dose nicotine gum --> need to poo

1. Drink 1 liter of water
2. Eat 1 cup of cooked oatmeal
3. Drink 1 liter of water
4. Drink 3-5 cups of plain black coffee
5. Drink 1 liter of water
6. Build seatbelt into toilet
7. Sit on toilet, fasten seatbelt

Coffee OP, coffee and psyllium husk

then post aftermath pics

big fuckin enema yo

holy shit 5 days? I think I did that once in summer camp and goddamn that log hurt coming out

I pity your asshole. I mean literally.

smoke a couple cigs, bye-bye poo

drink a large starbucks black coffee with nothing but a little half and half added, you will poop

Fuck off back to discord

Psyllium Husk fiber, the active ingredient in Metamucil, is the best natural laxative on the market by far. It prevents colon cancer and fiber is good for the heart as well.

Choline will definitely loosen your stool in addition to cleaning out your liver. It's a supplement worth taking regularly, especially if you drink alcohol, eat sweets or use steroids.

i always shit a lot after a night of heavy drinking, beer and wine work best

If you can get it, ripe papaya. An entire one or half before you go to bed will clean you out in the morning.

i shit once every 4-5 days and it is always too big to flush

Not much else I can add to this thread, most of what I could suggest has been said already. However I'm surprised no one here, especially here being Veeky Forums, has mentioned ab exercises. Working your core simulates and triggers peristalsis, the muscular contractions of your colon.

Underrated

High rep squatting, then jog 15 minutes straight. Drink 1 gallon of water 1 hour before.youll regret it.

>people have such weak digestive systems that they explosively shit themselves after a cup of coffee or liter of water or serving of oats
What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Nature Made Magnesium.

1 pill and a beer.

That will clear you out. Take your Magnesium once or twice a day to stay regular.

They're american. They've never eaten things with fiber in them before, let alone drink water or coffee on their own.

If you don't regularly drink coffee it does have a strong laxative effect on you. If you drink it regularly of course that effect will dissipate.

shoo, shill

Drink 4 cans of Guinness, then have a coffee and a cigarette or two.

Large bowl of oatmeal every morning keeps me regular.

>I am looking for an effective laxative or equivalent solution (NOT pills or magnesium) to help get my shit flowing.

sugar-free gummy bears. eat a bunch of them and you will shit your guts out. many sugar-free candies have a similar effect too.

If this is happening frequently you may have a serious medical problem. See a gastroenterologist.

In the meantime, make sure you're drinking enough water. 90% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. This will be anywhere between 2.5L and 5L depending on your size, muscle mass, and activity level. A good rule of thumb is to make sure your urine is only a very light yellow, color barely noticeable.

>I'm constipated, what do
>Diddle your ass dude haha why not no homo
Never change, Veeky Forums

1-2 tablespoons of sea salt
2 quarts of water
Drink within 20 minutes.

traditional medicinals brand tea called smooth moves. before bed every night for one week.

Isn't prune juice really good at making people shit?

try the sugarfree gummy bears from haribo

Holy shit your pic is the male version of BRAPP, I can't even begin to curse

SIPS
I
P
S

What if you have a bowel obstruction

Stir a stick in arse until shredded shite comes out, the way nature intended

Ok listen here, after getting stabbed in the lung 4 times when I was 16, I was in the hospital doped up on opiates. Opiates make you constipated as fuck, and since my body was too busy healing, my digestive tract had essentially shut down. The hospital food went inside me and stayed there for days. When 'i got home I had to take hydromorphs to breathe, and my intestines were filling up, but i could barely squeeze a turtle head out. By the time I had finished my hydromorph's I had not taken a proper shit in a week. The laxatives they prescribed me weren't strong enough, and I might as well have not taken them at all. I took a natural fiber supplement as well, and drank metamucil, to no avail. So I started doing all this in combination with eating a fuck ton of fiber: lentils, cereal, beans in general, and avoiding fatty/protein filled foods. This let me get a few rabbit droppings out at most. Now heres the magic trick that got me spraying shit across the walls. My moms friends felt very bad about what happened to me, so they had been making food for me. one of the gifts i got was a jar of beet juice. I didn't really like the taste much, but she insisted it would help, so I started drinking it here and there, taking sips througout the day, and once I had finished it, my intestines were spewing shit every which way. I was finally free, and with my bowels empty, I could focus on practicing my breathing and strengthening my lungs back to their full capacity

I laughed through out this. How long from drinking the juice till i shit all over my walls?

well first of all it was homemade so i doubt you'd get the same results from store bought juice, anyway, i drank a small jars worth. keep in mind tho that i was doing other stuff as well but assuming your situation isnt as serious as mine was you probably just need something to help things go along smoothly. drink a small jars worth and you should be good i think

Why didn't you do try an enema?

spoon fulls of olive oil

Toss the following in blender:

>1 apple or pear or slice of pineapple
>Half cucumber
>Handful of spinach or kale
>1 celery
>1 or 2 spoons of powdered ginger
>Add plain water or coconut water

Drink one glass or one glass and a half of this smoothie daily. Your shits will get better starting the second day, user.

...

A tablespoon of chia seeds with water at lunch of dinner every day is great, as is eating more greens. Eat some kind of fiber, like a vegetable or whole grain with every meal. Consider less meat/dairy as well.
Also: coffee every morning. Don't drink it all day because it dehydrates you. Drink water throughout the day and just drink a cup when you wake up.

You could also try kimchi or a similar fermented food. Don't eat it every day, but a couple times a week is great.

Epsom salts in water. Make sure you read the bag for the correct ratio. Don't go anywhere or do anything until it works though. You don't wanna be anywhere but your house when that kicks in.

Also lentils, and split peas

OP, READ THIS:::::

I HAD CONSTIPATION FOR YEARS. I could literally only poop every 10 days or so.

The ONLY thing that helped me was a suppository.

You take one, and you are guaranteed to poop within 15mins-1 hour.

DO THIS YOU WILL NOT BE SORRY.

Been doing these for like a year, seems its the only way I can shit now.

How can you people not shit in days? I so much as consider the possibility of having to shit and I need to go to the bathroom.

its called constipation you illiterate fuck, its a medical condition

is that a picture of a shit

I think it's a large intestine full of shit

damn. every few months i have a dook where i think "that's gotta be the biggest shit ever" but i guess everyone's thought that at some point and we never really measure.

I once dropped one in a Walmart that was unflushable. It was so long and thick that it wouldn't bend when I flushed. It just bridged the gap over and over.

Looks like toxic megacolon. Basically yeah, bowel obstruction leading to a large intestine full of shit that has to be removed surgically. It is a surgical emergency

How do you know if you have shit-retention problems?

You have good taste user