Veeky Forums autism and humor thread

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Bump

kek

christ, i made this in fucking 2011

I hope wojak never dies

All these alpha stories gave me cancer. I applaud you.

Alpha as fuark

These threads always remind me that girls are also autistic.

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Ditto

Although I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not that I couldn't stomach my way through reading most of those

This thread

user truly has left the thot behind, whatever it takes, goddamit!

these remind me of a time i went to a house party with my borderline autismo best friend
>we show up
>all grills plus one cool Norwegian guy
>we do shots with the Norwegian
>qt short grill comes up to me, we banter and make out, she puts her number in my phone
>later on, short grill leaves
>im skelly with ab definition, girls start feeling my abs when i take off sweater.
>say that it aint shit, my friend has actual core strength
>punch him in the stomach to show off his strong core
>girls seem impressed
>later, friend and girl are lying on airbed, me in the corner playing tunes on my phone
>girl keeps asking friend to stay over, literally begging him
>he just keeps saying 'i'd rather sleep in my own bed'
>we sidebar and i ask him why he wont just bang this batty crease
>he just repeats that he wants to sleep in his own bed at home
>we leave and call a cab back home

can one of you guys explain this behavior, what goes on in a male brain that just denies the situation?

What about them was hard to stomach? These are guys that have put so much pressure on themselves to be smooth with women and get laid that when the situation arises, all that stress crashes down on them and they panic: I mean some of them even write how they broke into tears after. If they are that stressed out, of course they aren't going to be able to enjoy themselves, and so they didn't really miss out on any real opportunity. The hardest part for me to read is when they beat themselves up over it because it's clear that they are digging themselves deeper into this vicious cycle.

Don't despair. Learn to love yourself before you waste your time and energy chasing after the love of others.

Gold

>go to humor thread
>get depressed
Never change Veeky Forums

Holy shit how can you have autism when you are ALONE with a girl when it comes to strangers yes my autism is 100% activated but with someone that I know and in intimacy?hell no

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SHOCK FUCKING HORROR!! He wasn't in to her

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Idk but I like it,you are not giving in.

For real for some reason I really dislike when girls try to imply they want sex with stupid lines or jokes.

Like I dont know man there is something repulsive in that behaviour,but it doesnt go only for grills I find it disgusting in men too.

It doesnt feel right for me,it feels fake,empty and stupid.

i guess that makes sense

So, Veeky Forums is /r9k/.

>: alpha as fuck 26
goddammit Veeky Forums, what is wrong with oyu

Fine. I will share my pain with you and humiliate myself for your enjoyment, but I'd better at least get some (You)s for my trouble.

>massive fatass
>people are always surprised at how much I weigh
>sure for years they're being diplomatic and other fatter people are just massively lying about their weight
>one day finally realize a lot of it is muscle because I run everywhere despite being a fatass, and I'm a physical labor job pleb
>simultaneously realize that all the other fatasses must actually waddle everywhere
>realize if I just correct my diet a bit, fill up on oats, and go to the gym I can probably get decent-looking arms and be only moderately fat after say half a year
>realize my local gyms are all full of gym bunnies and it will be top tier hard not to stare at them while working out there
>decide I can just prepare myself mentally and do it
>what's the worst that can happen
>I'll prepare by just focusing on that one fetish I can't get rid of while at home, so the gym bunnies won't even turn me on that much
>it's going okay, just glooming off by myself in corner doing sad curl routines with a little elliptical because I don't know how to exercise, never have
>everyone is friendly though
>wish girls wouldn't occasionally smile encouragingly at me or whatever when they pass because it makes me blush
>one of the slimmer friendlier gym girls has been talking to the squatbros about trying something other than cardio
>this one day I'm there she's trying to do it, they keep telling her to start lighter but she laughs them off and goes with this impressive starting bar (or whatever you call it)
>starts straining and form starts to go to shit but waves them away and goes MAXIMUM EFFORT
>I'm sweating super hard and my hands are shaking as I try to ignore her
>she goes too hard and absolutely pisses all over her legs and the floor, re-racks bar apologizing and stuff
>squatbros are all "told you so"
tbc

>one of the squatbros looks up at the room sort of glancing around at a loss, happens to see me
>sweat pouring off my face while not even curling, mouth has drifted open, noticeable erection
>this more or less was that fetish I couldn't get rid of and decided to focus on
>notice that I've been noticed
>try to pretend not to notice him noticing
>gymbunny has finished freaking out and apologizing and is laughing about it now while cleaning up with a towel
>she looks so adorable
>squatbro is laughing, see him talking to her and pointing over at me
>she looks up, our eyes meet
>that look
>that "wat is this" look
>haunts me to this day
>get up from bench, put back barbells from sheer force of autism, then sprint all the way to the door nearly holding back tears
>full speed sprint through the gym like an absolute mongoloid
>never go to gym again
>get new job in new town, move
>avoid new town's gyms
>it's technically in another state, actually
>come to realize I'm still too poor to make my own home gym, might get some barbells though in a few paychecks
>come to realize I have always overeaten to drown out my overbearing sex drive because I wanted to be a scholar not a manwhore
>come to realize despite all of my reading I'm still an autistic manual laborer popping stiffies at incontinent gym bunnies and running away
>come to realize I will probably never stop overeating or get in decent shape or attract a woman
>come to realize if I attracted a woman my autism and fetish would drive her away
>come to realize I'm not gonna make it, bro
At least I have the common courtesy not to hang around in your local gym creeping on the bunnies, though, right? I'm a good man right anons? Right?

And you realize this now? Veeky Forums is literally autists from /r9k/ who thought getting big would solve their autism and >tfw no gf -problem.
It didn't obviously

every board in this site is /r9k/ + whatever subject it's centered around

kids and stds always kept me on a leash.

Courting xkcd was moot's worst mistake.

aww i miss piano guys. :(

You got a boner but she pissed herself. This is a non-story. Get back to the gym. A different one.

But she's one of those beautiful people who can laugh something like that off, and besides, from my twisted perspective it was acceptable because I thought it was hot. I'm now part of her funny gym story she tells her friends whereas I still obsess over her without even knowing her and even though it's a painful memory.

But beyond that story even, my main autism is: How do I be around gym bunnies without wanting to bend them over the front counter and fuck them to the point it fucks up my exercise routine? Besides which I don't know if I'll ever be able to see a woman doing squats again in my life without dropping mom's spaghetti. In Veeky Forums terms, how do I LOWER my test while working out? Will soy work or is it just a meme?

> I'm now part of her funny gym story she tells her friends
Who gives a shit? You'll never see her or her friends ever again.

> I still obsess over her without even knowing her
Jesus, get your shit together. Get in shape and find another cardio bunny.

> How do I be around gym bunnies without wanting to bend them over the front counter and fuck them to the point it fucks up my exercise routine?

Get a grip on yourself. Maybe literally before going out. Or go see a doctor. Hypersexuality is a real condition. Maybe you have it. I don't know. You shouldn't expect strangers on the internet to give good advice.

>can't handle being in a gym
>supposed to go to a doctor and say "doctor I literally cannot stop thinking about fucking every woman I see despite being a virgin also I'm afraid that if I start having sex I'll become full manwhore"
user I...
th-thanks

Sounds like you've got a series of self imposed limiting beliefs. You would feel stupid saying that put loud but it also sounds like you believe it. Maybe figure out why you believe such nonsense?
Maybe you think about sex nonstop because you are a virgin, not in spite of it? Maybe you are a virgin because you believe that engaging in sex will make you a manwhore? I don't know why you believe stupid shit user, maybe you watch too much anime and porn? Maybe you go on social media too much? Do you spend more time escaping than you spend grounded in reality? If you have unrealistic or unreasonable expectations for yourself, other people, or reality in general, then maybe seek some help.

I spend most of my time studying and reading.
Sometimes I play games or post on Veeky Forums.
Other than that I collect a lot of pictures and videos of naked women and stuff relevant to my fetish. Pretty standard stuff for an user, I think. It's not like I don't want a relationship or don't want to be around women, it's just humiliating to be such an open book in a world where everyone is so guarded. Pls teach me how not to spill spaghetts at cute women, Veeky Forums. I'd believe the thing about working out helping with self esteem but anons are always saying they work out and are still spergs.

Okay. Answer these questions:
Why do you collect pictures and videos of naked women and stuff relevant to your fetish? What do you do with it? In what way do you believe you are an open book? Why is it humiliating to be an open book? What makes you believe that everyone is so guarded? Why do you doubt that becoming fit and healthy would fail to improve your self esteem? Why do you hold yourself in such low esteem?

Thanks for taking the time, user.
>Why do you collect pictures and videos of naked women and stuff relevant to your fetish?
Hoarding and sorting things soothes my compulsive tendencies, and it's nice to have a well-sorted tag-based collection of erotic stuff to look at, which I hope to have soon.
>What do you do with it?
I look at it and I fap to it if I have some free time.
>In what way do you believe you are an open book?
I'm generally very controlled other than being a fatass, but when I'm around a woman I'm attracted to it's difficult to maintain concentration on anything and not to display obvious arousal.
>Why is it humiliating to be an open book?
Because it's not socially appropriate to lust after women you don't know, and in my experience they will always upbraid me for it even when I'm trying my best not to show it.
>What makes you believe that everyone is so guarded?
Experience?
>Why do you doubt that becoming fit and healthy would fail to improve your self esteem?
Because Veeky Forums says it doesn't. Maybe I shouldn't listen to them because most of them probably don't even lift, yet I do.
>Why do you hold yourself in such low esteem?
Self-deprecating humor is just a staple on Veeky Forums. Other than that, I've accomplished nothing of note so I don't really have any reason to hold myself in high esteem, I guess. I'm working on some things but they're all very difficult and long-term, so in the meantime I don't necessarily have a lot of tangible value as a person. Also, I consider my excessive sex drive and chronic gluttony to be personal failings.

>Doing a chest/tri day
>Part of the roof of our gym collapsed due to torrential so half the shit is closed off
>Only two benches in the gym anyway
>One in closed off area
>Other occupied by qt p2t in basically naked yoga pants (could see her camel toe)
>Ask her how many sets she has left
>Three
>Ask if she minds if I work in
>She says yes
>Just stand there and wait for her
>She slowly trawls through her exercise, eventually picks up the pace when she realises I'm waiting
>Finally finishes and I start my sets
>Finish them in a few minutes
>Go to do inclines
>SHE IS FUCKING THERE
>Ask how many sets she has again
>Four
>Ask her if she could let me work in since there's no other incline benches in the gym
>She says no and I'm making her feel threatened
>Whatever fuck you bitch
>Do dumbells and then do the rest of my workout
>Like 3 or 4 exercises later go to do cable flies
>THE BITCH IS FUCKING THERE AGAIN
>Fuck this cunt
>Don't even ask her how many sets she has left just stand there and watch her
>She takes her sweet fucking time, though when she sees me she immediately stops her exercise and fucks off to another part of the gym

>Thank god
>Later some chad as fuck guy comes up and threatens me, says to not be an asshole to his friend and stop stalking her in the gym
>Don't really respond just say "yeah, sorry man"
>As I'm leaving I see him talking to her near the water cooler
>Go and fill up my water
>In my head remember those funny as fuck greentext stories about cropdusting people at gym
>Have a smelly protein fart coming, think it'll be hilarious to let it loose and she thinks he just sharted his pants
>Try and let it out silently
>My asshole splits like a chasm and lets out the loudest ear rending fucking explosion from my asshole
>They both look at me in disgust and disbelief
>Feel my face going red
>Keep filling up my water like I didn't hear anything
>Oh god it smells
>It fucking smells
>Stop filling up water and power walk out of gym without looking back

Came in today and my card didn't scan in. Was told I was under investigation for predator like behaviour.

DELET

Veeky Forums please help me.
I met this blind girl at the library today and we really hit it off, thank god I carry altoids on me because she even complimented my breath. She really likes shitty puns and cheesy jokes. I told her the archaeologist joke and she loved it. I'm totally going to ask her out next time I see her there so I need to come up with some pick up lines for blind people.
>damn girl you might be blind but you're a looker
That's the best I can come up with please help

>blind girl at the library
Lilyfag pls go

Don't even mention the blindness, she wants to be treated like a normal person

>sun is out

as if

This if you're not memeing.

She knows she's blind, I wouldn't really mention it until you guys actually get to know each other

I'm with this, just don't risk it.

Fuck, does anyone have the story of the guy where he pretends to love some girl but he creates a false reality out of cardboard

Mark, is that you?