ITT: Greentext Anything Veeky Forums

Just like the title says, all things Veeky Forums related that can be green texted. Mires, cringe, autism, recent gym experiences, that guy in the gym, fat people interaction,as long as it's Veeky Forums related and can be greentexted, it goes here.

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youtube.com/watch?v=u_7z_WVcpdw
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>doing my ab exercises
>rip huge fart while coming up on a sit up
>keep going and hope nobody noticed

bump

anyone have that screen cap of all the greentexted protein fart stories?

>just a fart
>not engaging your core so much you shoot our a stream of shit like a pressure hose
Never gonna make it

I've been slowly increasing my plank time over the last two years. Currently, I plank for 1 hour when I wake up and 1.5 hours at bed time. Sometimes at lunch, I'll grab a quick 30 minutes of planking. My core has become so strong that I can force digested food through my intestines and shit at will. I can also anal prolapse on demand, something which has on more than one occasional won me free beers. I don't even lift anymore or do any other workouts because planking has been so effective. I suspect it's the next big spiritual practice.

High school cringe

>Junior year of hs
>Sit in alphabetical order in class
>Have crush on girl who sits behind me in a few classes
>She misses the first half of the day
>Comes into later class
>"Hey, where have you been?"
>She looks away, "Ahh, it's kinda personal."
>Try to think of something funny
>"What, were you taking a massive dump or something?"
>She stares blankly and says "No, today was the anniversary of my sister's death"
>I apologize profusley
>Still remain friends
>Never banged

>two women in the free weight area
>they're clearly overweight, borderline obese
>start their session off with behind the neck OHP on the military press using the bar
I didn't know whether to look away or stare. I think some black guy tried to teach them not to do that, then went back to his work out, only to find them continuing to do behind the neck OHP.

Pls be real

> It's a fine day
> I'm on my way to the gym
> I feel some shit but it really tastes like a cock
> Doing squats
> It's my turn 295x5
> It's a weight that costs me a ball
> I'm in the hole of the cock
> I feel like a little black man
> Sale africa full of my ass
> At least it was a jet of diahrrea
> Damn it
> I have to walk to the bathroom with that full sheath in my ass
> It gave me a pity of the pussy

>be me
>big dude, both in weight, strength, and height
>start doing karate
>adult beginners team is full of old women and DYELs
>no one to spar with on my level
>constantly paired with our teacher
>50yo black belt who gave zero fucks
>tough as nails
>would push me beyond my limits always
>one day we're doing hardening
>basically mauling our arms to the point where we feel no pain by repeatedly slamming them into each other
>I'm paired with the teacher again
>everyone else is going easy on each other because it hurts like fuck
>teacher is coming at me with the force of a sledgehammer
>pain is equivalent to breaking a limb
>at one point I say "Sensei, please, I have limits"
>teacher absolutely fucking dies
>like, straight up stops the team so he himself can stop laughing
>can see him tell the other teachers after practice, they all laugh
>I stop going to karate soon after

...

I got a recent autism one
>be me
>out of town for work related stuff
>know a qt that lives there
>hit here up and she says she can get me in the gym
>think this is perfect cause I can show off mah gainz and check her out as well
>everything going good so far, resting in between sets checking out the girl I'm there with
>shake my shaker
>why the he'll is everything all wet...
>realize I for got to close the top of my shaker and emptied about half the bottle on myself and and the floor
luckily she didn't notice me do it so I dipped out to the other side of the gym to dry off

what

>I can also anal prolapse on demand, something which has on more than one occasional won me free beers

>lifting at gym
>I'm wearing coconut shorts
>Random bro asks me where I got those nice shorts
>Tell him I got them at his dentists office
Got em

>never banged
What went wrong?

how do i get girls on a saturday when i have no friends?

why do you want girls if you dont have friends first?

i tried the friends thing, didn't work out

She liked a more charismatic dude who was dyel

>go to CVS
>tear open the magnum condom boxes and stick the ones I need inside
[spoiler]>still haven't ever used them[/spoiler]

What the fuck is going on

Why user? What do you did?

>go to Chipotle
>I ask for mild salsa because I have IBS
>Employee accidently puts in the hottest salsa
>Too autistic to correct him
>Eat the chipotle there and browse fit
>On my ride home my IBS starts acting up
>Oh fuck not gonna make it home
>Pull over on the side of the road
>Explosive diarrhea everywhere
>Two old people see me and scream
>My stomach hurts so bad
>The pain became so bad I blacked out
>Wake up in the emergency room

>find super cute girl that seems sweet and sheltered
>only 1 bf
>even has cute speech impediment, works on sailboat
>life happens, time passes
>start talking to her few years later
>find out she has since broken up with bf and promptly starting moving back and forth from various party locations - hawaii etc
>find out she has banged tons of randos
>tattoos, shaved side of head haircut
>now looks like one of those "before and after feminism" memes
>life weights to burn off crushing feelings of lost innocence, loneliness, missed opportunities, despair
So hows everyone else's weekend going.

>met an awesome girl at a party, got her number
>called her the next day to meet up for a drink
>developed relationship, 7 years later and we're married
>she told me once she was impressed that I called her, rather than text her like guys usually do.

last time i had "friends" was in highschool and it wasn't that great
yeah i'd go out more and do dumb shit but it was only until later that i realized i didn't enjoy their company
they'd make fun of me in sometimes hurtful ways and im like, why do friends do this?

i went to a commuter school for college and was pretty much a loner. Altho the workload was enough that i had no time for a social life anyways.

Sometimes i'd go on a stretch and really try my best to be more social and arrange meetups but then i realized that i was the only making an effort. It should be a two-way street. Most people can't be bothered. Everyone is a self-absorbed asshole with bitter, jealous desires. Maybe just where i live people are anti-social as fuck.

All the people i kno that are "social" are fake as fuck, pretending like they have zero problems and that people actually behave and talk the way they do. I refuse to put on a facade.

Now i work full-time and it's pretty much work>eat>chores>shopping>workout>sleep>computer

meh

that's kind of sad. Listen mate, if you're that socially ackward, you need to get out of your comfort zone. Why don't you live overseas for a year somewhere, it'll force you to be more sociable, you're in a new place which makes you more open to changes, and you'll probably make friends with other expats which is pretty easy. Also it'll be fun.

So you tried to live the normie lifestyle?

Anything related to "be social" is a mask

Had something similar happen to me user
>work with this chick but she's in an office about 5 hours away so see each other every few months or so
>doesn't ever dress slutty at work or anything
>seems like the cute and innocent type
>start to crush on her
>make a trip down to that office for a few days and decide to meet up after work
>it was her friends b day or something so they all wanted to pregame
>when I get there it's like a whole new person, flashing tits, kissing random guys

almost feel kind a hurt cause I liked her. But she her like that just ruined everything for me. I mean she's still a cool person and a good friend but dam.

Yeah dude. It actually hurt even though she didn't do anything to me. Just seeing someone you thought was one way, but actually she's another way... fucking soul crushing for some reason. I think its more emblematic of how there is really no innocence, and almost nobody shares the values I have about life/sex/relationships.

>come home to dorm 1 AM, mob of coalburners just leaving the football team's rooms all around mine
>6/10 super thin asian chick lingering behind
>throw my bag in my room and hang out my door
>idea.jpg
>"hey, I just got back. Wanna smoke a bowl?"
>"uhh, sure"
>"Hi, I'm user"
>proceed to get stoned with her
>"fuck her on my roomate's bed so I don't have to sleep in my own jizz"
>two days later
>"hey wyd? :)" text from her
>oh shit it's still on
>go to pick her up from her dorm in my car
>"so did you just get back from practice?"
>"haha, yeah something like that. I'm super tired, wanna just drive around for a while?"
>park in the forest, smash in the backseat
>on the way back, arm is propped up on the center console
>she grabs my 'cep
>"see, I just like this. This is nice"
>fondles my arm the whole way back
>get back to her dorm, ask if she wants to play xbox, go up and get a quick bj
>text her the next weekend "hey cutie, wanna chill?"
>no response
>oh well she must've found out I wasn't on the football team
>unfriend her on all social media
>snigger whenever I see her around for the rest of the year

fuggin kek’d holy shit

>it gave me a pity of the pussy

>Makes a great joke accidentally
>Feels shame
Dude

nice and comfy :-}

>Been lifting for a year
>Hyped about trying some olympic lifts
>Talk about it
>Fat brother says I could get hurt
>Parents panick
Fucking hell. Back to secrecy.

...

...

>live in a studio apartment
>work hours are long, so workout only during the midnight
>almost every Saturday night, my neighbor is smashing his girlfriend
>walls are fucking thin

>tfw working out in complete disgust while my neighbor smokes weed and bangs his girl with horror movies pkating in the background

"Pity of a pussy" you say?

Oof, that's rough.

*playing

Play loud girly anime music until they cant focus on fucking anymore

>be me
>date a princess at Disney world

...

I got banned from my gym. I had been removing bits of the padding from the equipment so my balls could sit more comfertably. currently looking for someplace new whose owners don't know each other.

Sorry dude. I’m working on putting up egg cartons on the walls of the bedroom and putting sound dampeners in the living room but nothing seems to work. Any suggestions as to what I should do?

>bought entry level home gym stuff
>ohp today
>watching 300
>feel physically great
>can't overshadow the hollow feeling in my heart from being alone

drill a peep hole. when they are gone you should insert your penis and piss on their floor through the hole

I'm alone enough to be able to do this

youtube.com/watch?v=u_7z_WVcpdw

neighbors will stop smashing guaranteed

I was literally thinking of this. My nigga.

>bloatmaxxing like a motherfucker
>trying to get to a 5 plate deadlift, then gonna cut
>starting to get seriously fat
>might go for the max soon so I can just be over with it and get to cutting

>meet girl at work
>she wants my dick
>never make a move cause co workers
>she leaves
>see her every now and then
>think about asking her out
>am quite lonely and just missed my chance with a girl who really liked me
>her Facebook is full of corny sjw shit
>find her online presence really annoying

>musics up loud
>fart because nobody will hear it
>mfw I realise I have my headphones in
>mfw I have no Idea if it was loud or not

I mean, no one looked at me or was laughing or anything so I hope it was quiet

>inb4 this becomes a new copypasta
>inb4 this makes it on to the 2019 Veeky Forums new years comic

>>at one point I say "Sensei, please, I have limits"

just like in my japanese cartoon porn!

why do you just assume it was him that did something?

haha nvm, of course it was him

either this
or play Nazi marching songs

if you want to really disturb them then mix it up and play both of them

I got you

which one faggot?

>limb-its
>makes old dude laugh
>doesn't get it and leaves forever

They all work as a bunch of characters, Cinderella, Aurora, alice

...

do you get her to cosplay for you?
do you fuck her in costume?

you fucking better

Wasn’t even funny. Kill yourself.

> out dancing with my lifting bros on friday
> some fucking dude keeps pushing people on the dance floor
> finally comes to me, can't really push me much but he tries
> I stare at him, he flinches and gestures he doesn't want any trouble
> keeps trying to guard every female on the floor
> I don't give a shit but can see he's turning them all off
> after a while some small blonde dances her way in front of me
> it's obvious what she's doing but I just dance and pretend to not see
> she gets more aggressive, dancing her way into me, ass first
> she turns around and smiles at me
> I smile the biggest grin back, she's gorgeous, just my type
> she grabs my chin and pulls in for kiss
> we dance and make out for a while
> fucking dude from before tries grabbing her hand and gestures for her to come to him
> she just ignores him but he just doesn't give up today
> she stays closer and closer to me, even though I pull away
> can see this dude is getting frustrated, zero game
> I take the blonde back to my place
> turns out she's Swedish, my favorite

I also lost a girl I've been seeing regularly this weekend, but swedish blonde was more pretty so I guess it's okay

... lifting bros go out to dance together?

yeah, many of them have great connections at many clubs and such so many benefits. Also being in the most jacked gang in the clubs secures a lot of attention. I go out with the regulars and employees at the gym, they're good guys.

What did he mean by this?

>leg press
>go up 14kg
>let out a v. loud fart
>half the gym looks at me
>be fat manlet
>mfw

That's not greentext

>flashing tits
I'd kill to see tits of girls I work with. Even the ones I dont wanna fuck, I still wanna peek

I also have a similar story.
>keen on pretty hot/innocent/interesting chick
>out of my league
>slowly start to get semi-close
>together at a ball (as in dancing ball)
>flirtingallnight.exe
>afterwards she asks me to go to a bar with her
>this is it
>...taxi is full
>ff couple months
>gets dbag bf
>bf fucks her over
>is now a lesbian with hairy legs and shares LGBT news stories every week

wow so le ~ random man haha! what is a random fella such as yourself doing here eh?

>crushing 9/10 qt bebe few years back
>way out of my league but we have something going on
>realize she mainly has guy friends, all orbit her, all are in line waiting
>I shoulda seen it coming
>she ends it
>I disappear, no time to be a soyobiter
>fast forward a few years, haven't seen her since
>started the gym life
>looking good, thicc and solid compared to my past skelly self
>saw her last week at my current gym
>she greets me where as before I'd be falling over myself to greet her
>she's gotten fat
>bullet dodged
Was the best feeling ever and made this time spent in gym so worth it

user,

Go outside.