Your party is beset by a herd of Dire Horse Conches

Ahh Kos, or some say... Kosm.

Holy fuck, this. I especially hate the use of hype-editing on things like space documentaries. IT'S SPACE TRAVEL, YOU CRETINS. IT DOESN'T NEED HYPE. JUST SHOW ME THE NEBULA AND HAVE PATRICK STEWART TALK, THAT'S ALL I WANT.

Landmines are your friends.

It's the same bullshit with Kitchen Nightmare
>British Kitchen Nightmare
>Ramsey is a pretty normal fellow, he blows his top sometimes, but only when he's faced with bullshit
>Introduced to staff and learn more about them and why they are in their position as Ramsey bonds with them and work to improve the restaurant together
>Cooking without any music or major cuts, just showing the energy of an actual kitchen during busy hours

>American Kitchen Nightmare
>THIS WEEK, GORDON GOES TOE TO TOE WITH A PSYCHOTIC CHEF WHO HAS NO IDEA HOW TO CLEAN HIS FREEZERS
>Loud, energetic music as jump cuts to Gordon screaming and blowing up at a bunch of people
>WILL GORDON BE ABLE TO HANDLE REWORKING THIS RESTAURANT WITH A WHOLE STAFF OF LAZY WAITERS?
>Jump cut to a bunch of servers sitting around doing nothing as Gordon screams from the kitchen "WHERES THE DAMN SERVERS"
>AND A STUNNING EXPOSURE THREATENS TO SHUT THIS RESTAURANT DOWN BEFORE IT EVEN GETS OFF THE GROUND
>Jump cut to Gordon screaming at the kitchen staff, with spliced in shots of the diners looking confused around the restaurant "THERES A RATS ASSHOLE IN THESE TAMATOES"
>FIND OUT TONIGHT ON KITCHEN NIGHTMARES

Did anyone else read that first bit in his voice?

Oh look. Something with a dexterity of 1. How interesting as I back up one move action every five rounds while continuously casting the ca trip Acid orb for a 1d3 ranged touch attack every round.

the creatures shell is hard and moisturous enough the acid is neutralized before it can inflict any sort of damage

FPBP

Then I guess we walk off. They have a move speed of what? 5 ft/2 rounds?

>The dire conch flings itself at you, crushing your body with its spiked, steel-hard shell.

If nothing else, dire conches should have Fling Team-Mate.

Walk! Walk for your lives!

>World's Deadliest
>THIS EXTREME PREDATOR IS GOING TO EAT A FUCKING SNAIL!
>NOTHING ESCAPES THE 1MPH STAR DESTROYER!
>LOOK AT THESE HERMIT CRABS! THEY ARE GOING TO FIGHT!
I hate American nature documentaries. Nothing about the Giant Horse Conch is "deadliest". I do question the sense of the biologist that decided to name a creature that looks like a giant vagina with a giant penis coming out of it something that sounds incredibly close to "Giant Horse Cock".

>your party is beset by a herd of Dire Forced Memes

I'm actually putting dire mantis shrimp into my next campaign and nobody can stop me!

More of a semi-brisk walk really.

>tfw when this actually happens every fucking game

I hate my group so fucking much

and even less spectacular sea creatures can be interesting
dire lobster doesn't sound as much of a threat, until the players find out its 1000+ years old

So it's a very large lobster that's also hard to chew and smells like piss? Oh the horror.

Well at least they're not extraplanar collosal cone-snails.

>prolapsed vagina image
Blue board friendo.

That's what makes it so terrifying. You don't know what the fuvk is goin on.

Well, its obviously one of the Great Sand Conchs, who disguise their shells as great rocks to devour those who seek shade from the sun

Thanks, I'll be stealing this idea now.

>the giant horse cock

Of course we did.

I wanna see a DM run a mimic-filled world only replace every mimic with some form of Horse Conch just to see the players try to avoid them as they get more abstract and silly.

bonus points if this is only after an hour or two into the first session and the first one they see is eating a mimic, dragon or some other creature.

What's with all those fucking dire animals lately? Our party druid is clearly not doing his job.

Druidic magic releases dire animal mating hormones. He's doing his job TOO well.

clearly he's a BBEG who infiltrated the party and only pretends to be incompetent as he lets dire animals loose into the wild when the party isn't paying attention to him.

My party is made up of Flail Snails.

Truly this will be a battle for the ages.

>My party is made up of Flail Snails.
I find the idea of a Flail Snail Barbarian hilarious.

Superstitious Barbarian Flail Snails are nearly 100% immune to magic.

They're insane.

Better than dire mantis shrimps.
20D10 damage, thrown back D20 feet if hit by it

> tfw when conch means pussy in your language
I think I see something else in that picture than you guys

This is amazing, user.

Thank you for the laugh.

ALL HAIL THE DIRE CONCH

WOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOO

>SadTenthDoctorHoldsMeltingDonna.jpg

a giant dire cooch!?

I statted giant mantis shrimp (and also giant cone snails and giant deep sea fish) in DnD. It had truesight and did very high amount of damage compared to its CR.

I'm not into British tv but I agree that their documentaries are generally better, ironically only our hypothetical documentaries lack this retarded hype editing

Mind showing the stats I would be interested.

I just thought it was neat to watch the crabs fighting over the shell, was kinda cute actually, they had alot of personality for arthropods

>tfw you are the only one in your group with knowledge of biology
>tfw it would be too wierd to have then fight Dire Geoducks
Would anyone here dare to enter Mother Nature's Magical Realm?

Once I get home. It's part of a homebrew "supplement" about oceanic stuff for 5th edition, and is ridiculously huge filesize due to the pictures stuck in it.

Just wait until these.

it would be too delicious

Are they blind?

You dun need no eyes fo' fiddlin'

No they can, in fact, see.

What is the significance of the blue color of this boards?

This. Geoducks are tasty as fuck.

gooey duck

>suddenly a random encounter

Blue
>SFW
Red
>NSFW

So the hermit crabs in this case would follow herds of Dire Horse Conches then fight over regurgitated helmets, armor and clothing to wear?

>Dire frogs homebrewed with a sonic-damage attack the DM always rp's by yelling "REEEE"
This is my hell and I'm glad I have not experienced it.
>I_eat_out_the_mollusk_like.gif
Now that's a random encounter

>Captcha: bodies of water

What if gargantuan Bobbit Worm Hydra?

user, why are you so evil?

Slow your roll there, Satan.

>Open Stance: Once per round, when an adjacent creature misses an attack on the Abyssal Worm, it may make a free trip or grapple attempt.

Might as well throw two dozen of these things at the party while you're at it.

I now want to run a completely aquatic game with players that are small underwater creatures.

Fighter - Mantis Shrimp
Rogue - Mimic Octopus
etc

I imagine they'd have to face off against an octopus who's trying to take over their submarine wreck or something.

I ride into battle on my Celestial Mantis Shrimp Mount wielding my electrical Eel Lance and wearing my Poison Corral Armor and wielding a +5 Holy Sword Fish and fighting along side my Barbarian Narwhal and Psionic Blue Whale.

Three Vent Hunters appear, led by a Shellcaster Hermit Snid!

>Psionic Blue Whale.
>not Flamboyant Cuttlefish Sorcerer

Wasnt there a greentext with something along these lines?

Can you eat that?

Who also brought along the Ranger Manta Ray, the Rogue Sea Serpent, a Fighter Great White Shark and the Spanish Dancer Bard

Instead of Underworld, you have Overworld. That's what Flying Fish, also know as Airwalkers, travels through; that's where Daemonic Gulls come from. And don't forget about their ferocious leader, Peli Khan!

I'm gonna have this submarine wreck divided into different kingdoms.

King Crab will be the righteous leader, while an octopus who sounds a lot like that loanshark from Oliver (it'll also smoke like 3 cigars dont ask me how it works) will be trying to take over the whole wreck for himself.

You'll venture through abandoned corridors, boiler rooms, barracks (take off your shell and upgrade to metal casing?).

Just need to think of a name for the big bad octopus.

Do some sort of pun on "Shylock", like from Merchant of Venice

Where did you find this picture of my girlfriend

You know, I know we're all hating on American Animal documentaries, but that bit with the Hermit Crab taking the shell and skittering off was great.

Signature food of the Bahamas, so yes.

It's a giant sea snail.

it's like the one hermit crab who decided to roll a rogue while the other hermit crabs laughed but now it has the fancy new shell and they get to deal with the possibly still hungry sea penis.

Say what you will, that narration helped give the illusion of the crabs having personality. Think about it. You liked that crab a lot more when the narrator described it as "Crafty."

Start at 26:37:
youtu.be/-ZdAeXDlnQ4?t=26m37s

>"the least weasel has a problem: he simply can't stop killing"
>rock music playing while tiny weasel fights a mouse
>scare chords
>horror movie shot of a squeaking mouse dragged away into the darkness
>lion roar played when tiny weasel lunges at fleeing mouse
>shots of the weasel menacingly licking its fangs in the shadows

This is a masterpiece.

God, these are so ridiculous, but I can't stop watching. Also, you know everyone was pumped when they recovered that footage of the GoPro being destroyed by the bear. It probably made up for the loss.

Nature shows must be so dope to work on.

Why do American documentaries always have to be so overblown, of its not attitude it's hypothetical shit like dinosaurs or alien biology or whatever

Yes I too have seen Monster Bug Wars, original author of that post.

The animal sounds are dumb, yes, but the show is still entertaining to watch.

British Kitchen Nightmares and Top Gear are best. Fuck the American versions. Fuck Americans. I mean, I'm one of them, but all this stupid shit they keep feeding us lacks any sense of authenticity, divorcing the viewers from any genuine emotional connection in favor of HYPERCHARGED "reality" TV garbage.

Entertainment is a rising bar. American documentaries have to compete with other programs for viewership, so they have to at least try to be approximately as overblown and attention-grabbing as the rest of the drivel clogging the airwaves.

>random starwars refernce

A fantasy nature show campaign would be amazing. The party tracks down the two foot long dire least weasel and must capture stirring footage of it killing and eating everything, with greater rewards for more lurid and ridiculous footage, in character narration, and the bard ripping power chords on a lute while the weasel attacks a bird or something. Encourage them to trap and wound larger, more dangerous animals and then let the weasel kill them on camera. Just keep escalating it until they're feeding incapacitated natives to the weasel while a mud hut village burns in the background, with dramatic narration about the weasel sacking the town.

>the giant horse conch
I read that as Giant Horse Cooch.
dammit.

Whoops. Misquoted another post before.

Anyway, it's because their audience is a bored 12 year old me that hates daytime TV and tunes in to watch crazy shit I didn't know was happening happen, like riveting tales of crazy animals and 15th century serial killers.

But really, they just think it's more fun and will get them more casual viewers. Same reason they clog everything with reality TV these days, much to my chagrin. I want more documentaries.

>Why do American documentaries always have to be so overblown, of its not attitude it's hypothetical shit like dinosaurs or alien biology or whatever

This must have been written by either a self-hating Ameriteen or a clueless Brit. Unlike the countries where anyone can demand that the government waste tax money on "the programs I like", in the good capitalist countries, you have to earn what you want by yourself. Commercial television is called commercial television because the reason for its existence is not to entertain or educate. The reason for its existence is to sell advertisements. Television shows only exist to keep viewers watching through the commercial "breaks".

To compete with other channels for ad views, TV shows have to maximize their immediate appeal. The average consumer is more likely to stop flipping when encountering EXTREME ROCK MUSIC and a FAST MONTAGE of KILLER BUGS than they are to stop flipping when encountering (shot of still insect with no music).

If you don't like it, realize that you're not the target market.

>cymbal roll
>close up on someone's face with wood blocks tapping

Would be a fun sidequest in a fallout game.

>here we see, the gentle chameleon, catching a harmless fly, ripping it to shreds with its massive claws as radioactive maggots shot at it from the bug's abdomen inject it with deadly nerve poison.

>Deathclaws get a HL Barnacle-style tongue attack.
Hello darkness my old friend...

>The western jungles of the Forbidden peninsula, some four hundred miles across the narrow Sea of Brass, are home to a cacophony of vibrant and exotic species, some of which can only be found here.

>Above, in the higher canopies, Wilding Dryads take a moment from the defending their territory to bask in the sun. Much like the trees they personify, they use photosynthesis to produce nutrients, and use the time to socialise and bond with each other. Whilst they have garnered a reputation for being ferociously defensive of their host trees, these fierce spirits are also capable of expressing immense empathy and intelligence.

>Further down, on the canopy floor, things are a little less civilized. Here we can see the carcass of a Lizardman being devoured by a host of organisms that survive on the carrion and debris that is found in abundance amongst the roots and foliage beneath the thick canopy. Dire Scorpions, with their capacity for limited flight and a powerful venom, are an intimidating sight for any adventurer. However, they are normally only aggressive when threatened, preferring to use their terrible sting and powerful claws for defence, the majority of their diet involves subsisting on prey that is no longer capable of fighting back.