DEAR DARK APOSTLE

Dear Dark Apostle
what is your stance on the Dark Eldar? where on the proverbial shit-list do they stand
Sincerely
Grakthul, Devoted Cultist

Dear Dark Apostle Kol Gotha

The cowards and fewls have hidden in metal bawkses. How to take them away ?

- Firaeveus Carron

Dear Dark Apostle,

As a son of Mortarion and loyal brother of the Apostles of Contagion, I am a devout worshipper of the Lord of Decay (though I do give the occasional shoutout to the Dark Prince when drawing particularly pretty Barbaren glyphs with human feces). Where do you, as a son of Lorgar and follower of Chaos Undivided, stand on the issue of monotheism?
-Hilas the Bloated, plague marine

Dear Dark Apostle

What is best, to corrupt people's minds to make them fall to chaos or to convince them to dive into the darkness themselves ?

Dark Apostle,

Some Khornate cultists want to go on a murder-rampage through the lower hive, but they won't let me join in because I'm a psyker and they say I'm too feeble. Is there some way Tzeentch may allow me to help them find the best way to cause even greater mayhem than they normally would without their knowing about it, unless them finding out would be hilarious? Pastor Tentacle-Faced Steve of the First Reformist Underhive Twist-Cult tells stories of these types of things all the time, but when I look upon his mind I realize he has no idea how they actually did so.

Dear Dark apostle,

Allow me to explain. I am brother Kristuvus of the Radiant Guardian Space Marine Chapter, honor to the primarch! Lately though, our numbers have dwindled overall to a horrifyingly low 18 marines and command staff after combating the Tyranid hivefleet Yggrasdil. To further worsen our situation, we also than discovered a vile den of traitorous xeno worshippers on our homeworld. However, through the Emperor's will, we have persevered against it all, along with help from the newly created Adeptus Sorritas covenant, the Order of the Gilded Defenders. In order to thank our timely saviors, we have allowed for them to establish themselves on our world. But that is... Not exactly the problem. Allow me to explain. It was during the purging of the Xenos hive, that I met Sister Amalia Othiris, as we were paired together in a joint unit squad. At first, we were mostly friendly, with unusual notice that she seemed fond of my skills with a holy flamer gun, and praised my righteous zeal. Of course, I was pleased to hear so. Any compliments, especially by such a holy warrior should be taken to heart. But, as I noticed, we have been spending more and more time together, on patrol and guard duty, with just the two of us. During these times together, we discussed battle plans, tactics, our weaponry and the glory of the god emperor. We even once shared our nutrience rations while describing our many battles. However, lately, she seems to be asking if there were any duties she could help me with, and lamenting the fact our glourious chapter is so limited in numbers, expressing a desire to return it to its former numbers.

I am unsure of how to proceed, as the Codex Astartes has nothing in it about this situation. Please, how should I proceed?

Dear Firaeveus Carron,

Obliterators. They get rid of metal boxes. Give them mark of nurgle as well. That's like Chaos Space Marines 101. Thanks for all the shit memes by the way. And by thanks I mean daemonettes are coming to rape you.

Dear Grakthul,

Dark Eldar are an interesting case. While their byzantine plots, love of toxins and poisons, bloodthirsty nature, and famed debauchery please the Pantheon, one can never forget they are still Eldar. They have failed their attempt at true apotheosis when they rejected their own divine creation She who Thirsts. They remain her property despite this reject, and all those who deliver them to Her loving embrace are sure to find Her favor.
- K.G.

Dear Loyalist Space Marine,
Your post was way too fucking long. Get to the point in a sentence or two. Otherwise get fucked.
-K.G.

I think a Sorita loves me. I think I love her back. What do?

Provide the waffles.

Dear Warp Wretch,

You should allow a power maul to be inserted into your rectum by the arbites coming to detain you for you transgressions. They will be on high, so it might be hard to fit, don't thrash, it'll just slow down their quotas.

From, Inquisitor something-or-other

Dear Loyalist Space Marine,

Hit it then quit it.
-K.G.

Dear Dark Apostle Kol Gotha,

Lowly Heretic leader here. I've been having trouble gathering attention from the Pantheon lately, despite the fact that I've let my horde loose on several unsuspecting Imperial planets. Neither myself nor any of my Demagogues, Agitators or Enforcers seem to of been granted any boons for the righteous slaughter and unholy debaucheries we commit daily! Am I doing something wrong, your Vileness?

The other day I thought for sure that I had it down when I sacrificed 666 virgin girls to Slaanesh, and 777 lepers to Nurgle, but the Dark Gods again spurned my adorations!

Please help, Kol Gotha, my followers grow anxious for some sign from the Gods!

-Arch Traitor Reezak Pinkphallus

Dear Dark Apostle
Recently, my fellow chaos cultists and I have been trying to get to the Eastern Fringe. But we're a little short on cash. Could we get around tree fiddy?

-Totally average Chaos cultist and not the Burnscour Lictor.

Dear Traitor Reezak,

OH boy this is a dozy! Don't lose faith Reezak... literally. The truth Pantheon's wrath again the heretic is ending and unwavering in its totality.
Perhaps you need to look inward as a source of your problems. Sure you sacked a planet or two. But sometimes the True God's are fickle, and demand more than just plain Jane civilian or PDF souls. Try throwing in some of your own acolytes, a Sister of Battle, or even a loyalist Astartes or two. Sprinkle some of those in, and baby you got a stew!
-K.G.

Dear Dark Apostle
From what I understand Chaos Gods can be born as Slaanesh was, but then they have always existed. Can you explain this in a way that a lowly mortal can understand?

And speaking of lowly mortals, would you say it's worth it to become a daemon prince? I ask of your personal views on the matter.

Dear Dark Apostle
If you rape a virgin and make her bleed does that count as serving Slaanesh and Khorne at the same time since you are indulging in your own sensual pleasure while asserting your dominence over a lesser creature and spilling their blood?

Dear Dark Apostle Kol Gotha,

As inquisit-- ehm, cultist initiate, I would like to know where the base of operation is located. Some friends in black ships will be more than willing to extermin-- ahn, join the heret-- TRUE faith of the Dark Gods!

-Cultist (in trench-coat)

Dear Undecided Cultist,

Such a weighty first question! But let me give it a Crack.
The True Pantheon is eternal in a sense that the concepts each embodies, their each individual 'truth' if you will, is a reflection of the various emotions that inevitably develop concurrently with sentient life- those with a soul. As these emotions and concepts have always endured, the Gods, as a consequence, have always existed. Now this is not saying they have always existed at the same level of self awareness they currently do... The Eldar's failed racial apotheosis supercharged the gestalt, less self aware 'essence' of Slaanesh, and helped to transform that concept into the Divine Him/Her we worship today.
As for your second question, serving the God's well enough to receive their blessing and achieve personal apotheosis should be the goal of every God's Fearing worshiper. You are devout aren't you?

Dear Rapist,

That's all Slaanesh. To aid in your education I am sending a ravenous unbound daemon to merge with you. If you survive I have no doubt any other questions you have will be answered.
-K.G.

Dear Totally not a Dark Eldar,

Yes, we servants of the Dark God's do in fact retain our genitals. The unshackling of our minds and our increased oneness with the Divine Truth allows us to embrace natural urges and excesses as demanded by the true faith.
As for your second question, Slaaneshi warrants may still be your best chance at a 'dicking'. As war bands embrace different paths of the Divine Truth the following of one particular may move you from others... don't expect a Khornate, or nurgle devotee to be too interested in 'dicking' you as killing/infecting you!
-K.G.

Dear Dark Apostle:
I am nothing but a low slave of the Chaos Gods. I work daily to bring down this putrid Imperium, I have to wake up everyday quite soon to avoid the Arbitres patrols, I pay my own guns with my money...And I wanted to ask your opinión about The Despoiler financial politics. Since the 12th dark crusade, he has been putting a lot of resources in those so called superweapons able to destroy planets. And that has mean a cutting on cultist spending, the base of our system. With the resources wasted building the planet killer, a thousand high danger cults could had been supported, able to destroy a thousand planets by demon invasion, warp storm, military coup or imperial exterminatus. Why are we spending money in blowing up planets when our enemies can do it for us with a little provocation? Is the warmaster strategy doomed to fail?

Evil Von Bastard

Dear Evil Von Bastard,

Since the Despoiler is blessed by all of the True Pantheon his victory, by which so ever path he chooses to take it, is guaranteed by DIVINE insurances! However, if you have conflict with any particular aspect of his strategy, I hear Lord Abbadon is most willing to consider dissenting opinions. Feel free to present your proposal in personal in his throne room on the Planet Killer.
-K.G.

Yo Daddy DA,

Serving in the Guard sucks. They told me there be hot bitches, but there ain't any! Not even any hot Femal Commisars that my bros told me about. Now, could ya hook me up with some hot, busty Daemonette hotties? No mot the ones with obe boob an' a dick, the normal ones.

If ya could hook me up I'll be all like 'fuck yeah chaos!' n' shit.

-Guardsman Jay

PS: Big tits n booty, kay?

Dear Dark Apostle,

How do I let my commissar know that I need a vacation without getting blammed for cowardice? I haven't gone three days in a row without getting shot at by orks in the past five years, and that's just the orks! All I want is one week without wondering if today is the day I duck too slowly. I wouldn't mind a warm sandy beach, either.

-Involuntary Volunteered

Dear Kristuvus,
Stay with her, you idiot.
Yours Sincerely,
Captain Johnathan of the Radiant Guardians' third company.
Also, what the fuck are you doing, asking a Word Bearer questions?

Also stick it in her butt. She won't stick with you without butt stuff.

Sincerely,

Not-another-dark-eldar

DDA,

When's our father going to awake from his meditation? It's been ten thousand years and I'm beginning to worry

Death to our tyrant grandfather and glory to the Gods, Brother Gabat Qul

Dear Dark Apostle,

One of my dipshit wyches just went off to just get, and I quote, "a 13 inch barbed cultist cock rammed up my ass". Normally I don't give a fuck what they do in their time off, but I've got a bet on his arena fight tomorrow and the rates the haemonculi will charge to fix his bleeding asshole on short notice will be outrageous. With this in mind, where's the nearest Slaaneshi warband to the entrance of the Koronus Expanse?

Yours sincerely,

Aerin Zanth, Succubus

My deaaar Dark Apostle, do you happen to have auf large bedroom around here? Lucius is showing up soon with a new batch guardsmen.

- long suffering servant of she who thirsts

HHNNKH OH FUCK YEAH THAT WAS A GREAT FUCKING LINE BRO I TOLD YOU LAST TIME SHE WANTS YOUR DICK MAN YOU NEED TO EITHER LET HER DOWN GENTLY OR GIVE IT TO HER YOU CAN'T HALF ASS THIS OR SHE'LL RESENT YOU OHHHHHHH THE NEEDLES HURT SO GOOD IN MY DICK MAN HAHAHAHA YEAH ANYWAY YOU JUST GOT TO BE YOURSELF AND TELL YOU THAT YOU LOVE HER OR YOU DON'T WHATEVER MORE FUN FOR ME IF SHE FALLS HAHAHA AND REMEMBER I DO COCCAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE

Dear Succubus,

Perhaps if you offer proper reverence and sacrifice to your God Head, the Divine He/She might gift you with your required revelation. A true born soul or twenty is sure to lure his/her gaze.
-K.G.

Dear Brothers Qul,

Our Dark Father, Blessing Upon Him!, has ascended to a state of oneness with the True Panthenon. It now falls to us, his Sons, to prove worth of his example and ensure the final victory of the divine truth. Waver not Brother. Search the entrails of your cultists you know this to be true!
-K.G.

Dear "Loyalist" Marine.

I seem to have become lost in a nearby Sub Sector. Could you please provide the name and location of your Home-world as a reference point for me?

Furthermore could you please summon your Chapter Master and Battle Brothers to your fortress monastery? I may require their assistance in the near future so make sure they're all clustered together.

Yours sincerely

Inquisitor S. D. Glokta

Dear Inquisitor,
Unfortunately, our Chapter Master had a one-on-one debate with a Hierodule, and unfortunately died, and I'm apparently the highest ranking marine left in my chapter.
Don't worry, there's no need to bother yourself! We can have a meeting and share stories on YOUR ship, and share stories together. Why, I might just invite my old friend, Torquemada! I'm sure he'll be quite pleased to see your exotic, magic friends.
Yours Sincerely,
Captain Johnathan of the Radiant Guardians' third company.

>*We can have a meeting and share stories on YOUR ship.
Oh, by the Emperor.

Dear Loyalists,

If your not going to take my legitimate advice, go back to that sorry ass thread you had to start in some desperate plea for attention. By the way, everyone in the Warp was talking about it, and how pathetic and gay it, and your whole sappy situation, is.
-K.G.

No really captain. I insist. My ship is in no state to accommodate guests. We're still cleaning up the mess left by the last Astartes foolish enough to threaten an Inquisitor.

If you're unwilling to provide your location I can always send out a few messages to the local Subsector Ordo detailing the "issues" that Brother Kristuvus is having. I'm sure they'd would be most understanding.

Dark Apostle, dearest and most erudite friend and role-model.
I have but one simple question for you to answer.
I beg of you, on the subject of magnets.
How do they work ?

Your most obliged and lowly servant,
J.

Dear Dark Apostle,

What exactly is your stance on Malal?

Thanks,
Lord Drudge'kekk the Destroyer

Dear J,

Magnets work by exerting a magnetic field, which is created by the motion of electrical charges within a medium. This creates two 'poles' which the object, a 'north' and 'south'. The opposite poles attract each other, and similar poles repell each other.
-K.G.

Dear Dark Apostle Kol Gotha,

I've always wanted to be a Space Marine, ever since I was a young child. It's all I worked toward for my entire life, despite everyone telling me that it will never happen and I should give up and move on. I trained with unwavering dedication and became the undisputed greatest warrior on my planet, but when the Space Marine talent scouts came by to recruit the very best for the ranks of the Adeptus Astartes, I was passed over. When pressed for an explanation, he mumbled something about geneseed being incompatible with the female genome. In a blind rage, I crushed his head like he crushed my dreams, and ran off to sulk.

How can I fulfill my dream of becoming a Space Marine? Can I get a sex change? Can I become a Chaos Space Marine? Or have I thrown my life away for nothing?

-Penis Envy

PS: don't give me any bullshit about Sisters of Battle. I don't want to be one of those whiny cunts. I want fifteen lungs and acid piss.

Thanks Kol Gotha !

Dear Destructor,

Malal is simply a left over concept from an early edition of 40k canon that is long since unsupported by the Company. The idea is only dragged up by neckbeards generally trying to stir up shit or prove that they have lore credit, ie read shit on 1d4chan.
Yeah I just went all CHIM on your ass.
-K.G.

Dear Dark Apostle,
I'm a khornate warrior, and have an issue. Apparently, every time I ride into battle, an absolutely incredible rages takes over me. See, while it's extremely gratifying to do so, I think that charging recklessly into battle might not be the most efficient way of serving our lord Khorne. How do I sate my bloodlust, and plan at the same time?
Yours truly,
a humble servant of the Blood God.

Dear Dark Apostle,

Why do you give out of character answers to in character questions?

Best Regards,
Dungface

Dear Penis Envy,

Unfortunately, you are the sex you are born with. While you can call yourself something else, change your name, get plastic surgery, whatever- a man still can't give birth, and a woman can't be a Space Marine. HOW EVER, proper devotion to the True Panthenon could grant you granted power than even the gene crafting of the Corpse Emperors.
-K.G.

Uhh thanks Kol Gotha?

(btw it's Destroyer, not Destructor. I hope this was an honest mistake, otherwise it shall be your last)

Dear Dungface,

Your name is very apt. How quaint
-K.G.

Dear Humble Servant,

With proper planning, the outcome of any Battle is simply a forgone conclusion. Ensure you fully plot and prepare for the destruction of your enemy, and when the time comes to take the field, all you will have to worry about is glorious slaughter in the name of Khorne.
-K.G.

Get Fucked
-K.G.

Dear Dark Apostle

I have been bathing in the blood on my enemies for centuries now but my gore stained armour isn't quite the red I was hoping for. Do you have any tips for how to get a nice deep Crimson?

10/10

Dear Dark Apostle,

As a plague marine-kin, I find it deeply problematic when people who claim to be servants of the Gods, use the terms 'corpse' and 'decay' as insults. When I point out how anti-decayist these terms are and how they should check their hygiene privilege however, they beat me up.
The other issue is that nobody understands that just because I don't have the body of a plague marine, I still am one.
Could you please help me educate these cleanlords?

Yours truly,

tumblr

Thank you Dark Apostle!

Last night, after your suggestion, I started to order my Earthshaker artillery positions to bombard the advancing Mutants that we herded together. What a display! After the barrage, it appeared that the blood of the Mutants congealed into strange, red shapes, and then envoys from Khorne himself burst from their remains! Excellent! Indeed, the hated Imperial Guard tasted the blades of Chaos!

We are planning on assaulting a Sisters of Battle priory located a few systems away. We heard that those bolter bitches die in droves to a stiff breeze nowadays, and I am certain Slaanesh will appreciate what we will do to them afterwards-dead or alive!

Thanks again!

Yours truly
-Arch Traitor Reezak Pinkphallus

p.s, one of our Slaaneshi cultist ladies is a big fan of yours, and wanted to show her gratitude with this picture!

Dear Dark Apostle,

I know I shouldn't be talking to a heretic, but I don't have any option in this case.

Recently, my lord inquisitor sent me in mission to parley with some Exodites. During the talk, a woman of then was giving me some strange looks and timid smiles. I felt...weird...in that moment.
Afterwards, she addressed me and I asked her why she was behaving like that. She giggled, and said I was 'cute' (what is this supposed to mean?!), then blew me a kiss and departed.
What should I do?!?! Please, I'm very nervous.
Yours,

-Interrogator Z

Dear Frustrated Body Painter,

The GW wash selection is actually pretty good, though I hear from 'STRAYEHIA that Scale 75 washes are even better.
-K.G.

Dear Interrogator Z,

Hit it then quit it.
-K.G.

Dear Readers,

Due to aid in guiding you in the true faith I have achieved apotheosis and am one with the Divine Truth. Helping you is now beyond me as I am consumed in the execution of the Great Game.
-K.G.

Those few first Kol Gotha posts were so much better than the crap by the end. Holy shit.

Ur a fagit. Hericy. Exturminatos!