So I'm starting a new campaign with some friends of mine, and our DM gave us the task of writing the history of the countries where we come from.
Of course, our group has a "that guy" who is notoriously self centered and an all-around pain to be around. He has told me that he intends to be the "protagonist" of our campaign.
Anyways, without asking the DM or me, he's written the history of his country in a way to make my country seem both evil and incompetent, and the mages of his country as people who can literally sink large portions of a continent at a moment's notice.
Anyways, what should I do? We're playing AD&D 2e and I am an elf mage, while he is a human ranger called... Ranger.
Pic related- It's a map of his country. Everything above the "bay of death" used to belong to my country.
So I'm starting a new campaign with some friends of mine...
man up faggot
Say that your people granted the land to him in a diplomatic treaty because that tiny peninsula that was his land was the source for many cruel jokes about your kingdom.
Diplomats saw his land as the dangling dingus, and your land was called the 'Stones' of the operation, having a far more terrifying military but easy to rile up.
Now, every diplomat knows his country is a cock and balls, and kek mightily at the fact that you suceeded useless waste land in a flood plain (that city under the mountains would be innundated mire if I know my geomorphology) and a fuck-all haunted forest.
Essentially, he wants to be a dick... make him a dick.
Tell your GM that your country uses its super mages to secretly create a massive convincing illusion of a buffer country to its South for international security reasons. The hard light constructs below are quite advanced, occasionally gaining sentience and believing their world to be real. You are following one around for amusement's sake, knowing full well that the standard Ranger model can be dispelled with ease, Woody.
I was thinking something more along the lines of invalidating his self-proclaimed status as the protagonist by idk, polymorphing him into a sheep, chopping off his thighs and attaching his shins to his thigh-stumps or something like that.
>while he is a human ranger called... Ranger.
Slap him. For that alone. Tell your DM and then the whole group discusses this in a civil manner.
Write your country's history as you wish. Your country has had bad relations with That Guy's country, so everything they have written is simply lies and propaganda.
As for their mages and their ability to sink continents, ask That Guy to stat them... using nothing but PHB.
Holy shit you're right. I didn't see that till now.
It's not only that, it's that the land he's 'won' off you...
fucking hell, it's useless. There's a fuck-all desert in the middle, meaning that it's really fucking flat. That means, the area south of it is dry as shit too.
The actual balls shape, that's all wetland because water is flowing off the mountains. That forest must be practically a fucking jungle, which means WOLVES. Don't even get me started on the area between the forest and mountain. Fucking flatlands without any rivers? More like a goddamn swamp fed by underground movement.
So yeah. It's a fetid, sticky mire with a dry dongle hanging off the tip. Your diplomats shall henceforth refer to it as 'kingdom of dongles' and make jokes about not getting it's dick wet or not drying out it's sweaty, stinky balls.
Oh yeah, what tool did you use to make this?
Yeah I was wondering about the overall geography of the place when he gave me the map to look at- It seemed a bit off to me, but I didn't know enough about geography to call him out on it.
Also, did That Guy draw the map? If so draw your own map. That Guy's map is merely how their propaganda wants to paint the world, your map is how your country's propaganda tells how it is.
I didn't make the map and I'm not sure what that guy used for it. The dick was drawn in ms paint though.
> implying cock-and-balls-yrian penis-ula isn't the kekkiest of solutions
That forest looks like shit.
Yeah. It does. The guy I mentioned in the op made the map.
It's a haunted bog at the arse-end of a mire.
Also, it's perfectly fucking placed to be the hairy pubes
Here's the map of the continent we're on.
My country is directly above bottom one, the other guy's country. Idc about the land that much, just came off as a dickish move to me. My country has plenty of land already.
> That Guy's Continent is the cock and balls to the Fat Man continent
> he's picking a fight with you
> his only reinforcements are by sea
> and have to pass your territory
You could blockade him and annex his country in a week. No one would stop you, especially if one of the other two places were neural and the top were against you
Of all of the solutions proposed, I like everyone ridiculing the country for looking like a penis to be the funniest, and also the one most likely to get under that guy's skin. I think I'll write that my country, due to it's location closer to the other countries, constantly spreads media that makes fun of the bottom nation for looking like a penis. Messengers on land from the bottom nation are intercepted by mine, and bribed to change their messages, making them look like idiots in official correspondence between leaders and nobles.
lol is your country literally north korea?
You can do better
Your people were made fun off for being the sweaty balls, so in a fit of fury,your king started a war, and signed away the land in a peace deal in exchange for some gold and hostages.
> you got paid to get rid of your shitty marshland that other people make fun of you for
The king wasn't done there though. You literally cast a mighty blood spell with all of the hostages that changed all living memory of the word "Ilyrian" so it now means "penis". People introduce themselves as Ilyrians and they might as well be calling themselves schlong-suckers. Their king is referred to as the Penis Penisruler
Your kingdom isn't actually evil (much), they just have an ongoing rivalry with dickland that makes the balkans states look like Hawaii's annexation. You spread as much goddamn anti-dick sentiment, and deliberately sink their ships with privateers.
In short, make it so you're racist simply because your people hate this shitstain of a country, and you're tired of the rest of not-europe giggling about being the sweaty balls of the fat man land.
Perfect. North and South Korea. That's your destiny now. Except you're NK if they could carry out their threats. Start calling your country Best Ilyrian Peninsula or True Peninsula, just to fuck with him
Make it so.
Our DM modeled the setting after that area, yeah. I might have also described my country as "A rich North Korea but with elves" a few too many times before our DM made the world map.
IT WRITES ITSELF
You're NK now. You're NK that has enslaved the elf population so they eat dirt to survive while fueling your blood magic with their mana reserves. Send furious messages via raven to the people of the world vowing to destroy penis-ruler land, and retake false peninsula while simultaneously and hypocritically asserting you gave away sweaty-ball marsh that no real True Motherland people lived in.
You NK now. Praise glorious leader, praise smart man Trump. Build a wall, nuke comes soon
Set it up so your country's people have started moving voluntarily to a new home, having accomplished their goal of tricking the interlopers who wronged them once, many generations ago, into settling all of the Penisula.
With that, the entirety of the country's citizenry sets sail, and the crown prince himself yells "Suckaaaaas!" just before they leave earshot.
These ideas are great, I'll try to incorporate as much as I can into the history of best korea.
Oh, and after they've thoroughly salted the earth. I just woke up but there's probably a joke in there, too.
top kek
You need to give the Merciful Leader of Best Democratic Republic of Ilyria a unicorn equivalent (I assume unicorns might not be that rare in your setting).
Hold up now, my fellow American. I believe America propaganda that Great Leader is badman. But if Great Leader can ride unicorn, must he not indeed be Great Leader? I renounce evil capitalist ways. Who will join me?
>"Illyrian Peninsula"
>"Castle Black"
>"Westwatch"
>"Suno"
>"Wercheg"
Jesus Christ, the fantasy setting I made up when I was twelve had more original names than Cocktopia over here.
Shit, I forgot
>Riverrun
>Praven
>Nairobi Desert
Nairobi isn't even in a desert, fuckhead. Kick his shit in, OP. Figuratively, I mean.
I was thinking about working with our DM to research a spell that raises a skeleton that can, in turn, recast the spell after some period of time, then leave the first skeleton somewhere secluded in that guy's country. DM probably won't approve it, but it's worth a try.
I thought this might be fun because he described the area of land his mages sunk as being still filled with the skeletons of my country's dead army.
>Suno
>Praven
>Wercheg
What the fuck, he literally just stole names from Mount&Blade?
find a different group, or try to get the troll kicked out. or, y'know, remove the head or destroy the brain, but i presume you're not up for that.
I guess- he plays it a lot so I wouldn't be surprised.
Unless Praven's main export is butter i'm going to be really dissapointed
our next session is tomorrow, I'll make an update thread if something interesting happens.
Mmm, raiding Praven for that delicious butter. Good times.
Maybe he set your country up to be the evil magocracy because you said it was North Korea with elves.
No point in getting personal, being from the "evil country" can be great fun.
I'm not really planning on getting personal, just having some fun with propaganda as said earlier in the thread. If he's setting me up to be an evil mageocracy, I'll be the evil mageocracy. No point in not having some fun with it though.