The only tank available to hire at the inn is a fiercely misandrist female orc...

I don't think tanks do exist in medieval fantasy settings sir

Ignore the bitch and continue to search for a tank.

That's cool. We'll just get an Alchemist to brew up enough knock out gas to flood the dungeon. Quick kills on everything inside that doesn't suffocate.

Better plan.

>The dungeon is filled with elementals that do not breathe.

What now, Sir assalot?

Wouldn't the knockout gas be poison to them instead?

>Earth elementals.

Niet.

>implying we don't have a paladin tank
>implying we don't have an blood death knight as his friend
>implying we hire horde scum

I stop playing with people from r/redpill.

I won't claim who appropriated it from who, but it's pretty solidly a pen and paper concept as well.

Do not go into the next dungeon.

Also something to consider, if available and accepted by everyone else as okay.

Not really.

The most efficient way to "tank" in most pen and paper games is to simply kill things faster, since dead things stop doing damage.

Armor scores and such usually go out the window anyway once magic starts getting involved, and healing is (mostly) limited depending on the system. Heaving BIG MEATY HITPOINTS is also pretty useless since there is (usually) no way to force enemies to attack you.

>The most efficient way to "tank" in most pen and paper games is to simply kill things faster, since dead things stop doing damage.
It really depends on the mechanics of the individual game, dude. You seem to be speaking from a very D&D 3.x/PF mindset there (and even that has some active tank/healer options).

>a very D&D 3.x/PF perspective
Which is one of the few TTRPGs as "gamey" to even think about "mechanical combat character roles"
Besides 4e, I have no idea what are you talking about.

I hire a fucking wizard.
Who uses a tank?
Also get your magical realm out of here.

"Have you ever heard of this website called tumblr? You'd love it, I'm certain of it!"

I roll to seduce, mother fucker.

Cast Detect Bad GM Type.
Cast Reincarnate GM

>I cant pull out shit out of my ass
>It must be the GM

Shadowrun
Fantasycraft
All editions of dnd, actually.

Kill her, the innkeeper and everyone in the inn, and slaughter my way through the dungeon regardless. We don't need a female in our group.

Why the fuck would I recruit someone at an inn? That's a damn stupid idea and whoever thought of it should be slapped over the head.

The acolyte of a vengeful order of knights exhorts his faith into a miracle that turns blades back unto their weilder instead. Sure, it's a little riskier but as he meditates in prayer he is capable of bending luck to his favor. We should be fine so long as he doesn't run out of power.

Buy a decent golem and tell the wizard to stock up on Repair spells.

This. There's something a little crazy about a person who's job is to stand and get hit.

No one wants that job.

The longer you get take hits the longer you can continue to RIP AND TEAR.

Whose idea was it for everyone to pick wizard at first level!?

That's not what a tank in D&D is. This is what a tank in D&D is:

DESCRIPTION:
Colossal Land vehicle
Squares 96 (40 ft. by 60 ft.; 25 feet high)
DEFENSE
AC 2; Hardness 10
hp 1,920 (959)
Base Save +3
Special Inside the tank, the crew has improved cover, granting them a +8 bonus to AC and a +4 bonus on Reflex saves.
OFFENSE:
Maximum Speed 90 ft.; Acceleration 30 ft.
Weapons One 6 pounder gun in the upper turret that can fire to the front, rear, and both sides of the tank; one machine gun in the belly-mounted turret that can fire to the front, rear, and both sides of the tank; and two machine guns in sponsons on the sides of the tank (one on each side) that can only fire out the side of the tank that they are mounted on and cannot fire to the front or rear.
Attack 6 pounder +10 (8d6+1/×3), 3 machine guns +11/+6 (2d8+6/×4)
Attack ram 8d8
CMB +8; CMD 18
STATISTICS:
Propulsion alchemical (4 squares of diesel engines on either side of tank; hardness 10,; hp 80)
Driving Check Craft (alchemy) or Knowledge (engineering) +10 to the DC
Forward Facing The tank's forward
Driving Device throttle and two levers to steer the tank
Driving Space a single 5-foot-by-5-foot square in the middle deck that contains the tank's driving device
Crew 4; 10 soldiers crew a tank and operate its weapons. Three soldiers crew the 6 pounder gun in the upper turret, while the three machine guns in the belly turret and the side sponsons are each crewed by one soldier.
LOAD:
Decks 3; The middle deck contains the 30-foot-by-10-foot crew compartment (including the driving square) with a 5-foot square machine guns on on each side. The lower deck is a 5-foot square inside the belly-mounted machine gun turret. The upper deck is a 10-foot-square turret. The decks all have small armored slits serving as windows (treat as arrow slits) that provide improved cover to the crew within.
Passengers 6 gunners

My entire playerbase are women who play women so we're good.

chill out at the inn and wait for a better adventurer to stop by

Let the elves do their thing.

smile condescendingly at the DM, get up from the table and walk out

That's pretty lucky.

Make her lose to the cock.

Stop creating settings using cultural marxist standards.

Now that's edgy!

Leave the Dungeon for later.
No fucking way am I putting up with that shit.

Gut her for 1. Being an Orc and 2. Standing up to the RIP AND TEAR berserker

"cultural marxism" is a shadow threat to pin any and all modern social changes on. Most of the things associated with this conspiracy theory have nothing to do with the actual Frankfurt school.

It's a meme.

Force the one guy in our party to put on a girdle of femininity for his own protection and then hire her.

Do you really believe I am gonna believe in your kike shilling bullshit?

Say I belong to the Drow, and she can take it up with her if she finds I'm a "disappointment".

Proceed to Fireball everything, business as usual.

I'll show you a real tank

What is she going to do? Solo an entire party? If she pulls something, make her tank dicks until she learns to behave.

Ignore her. Go to the local temple and hire a cleric. She clearly wouldn't have been as useful and collaborative as a zealous manly man in full plate with an iron warhammer in one hand and holy magic in the other.

Also if she tried to castrate me for my usual procrastination, I'd Dominate Person her ass so hard she'd call me daddy.

Honestly, has it right. First post best post.
Every single example of forced character roles was a stupid idea, whether MMO Healer/DPS/Tank, old school Warrior/Arcane spellcaster/Divine spellcaster/Skillmonkey, or 4e Leader/Defender/Striker/Controller.

Separating tank and DPS (or Defender and Striker) is stupid, because it takes twisted video-game retard logic to justify enemies targeting the guy who is doing less damage over the guy who is doing more.
Separating Warrior and Skillmonkey is stupid, because one is an in-combat role and one is an out-of-combat role. It is not fun to have some of the party doing practically nothing for part of the game. Everybody fights, everybody has skills.
Separating Arcane and Divine spellcasters is stupid, because mechanically they're practically the same, and fluffwise one has power from himself while the other has power from sucking the dick of a pagan demon-god, except in some settings where they don't have to worship anything and really are just wizards in armour.
Having a "healer" role is stupid, because people do not want to play the healer. You want to know why Cleric and Druid were so overpowered in 3e? It was because the designers were trying their best to get people to play a healer, and they found that even after you make the healer literally the most powerful class in the game, people still do not want to play it. This is because when you have healers in the party, every death or near-death is "their fault". They get none of the glory and all of the blame.
Having a "leader" role is stupid, because any character can lead in fluff terms, leaving the "leader" to be a nonsensical character who empowers other characters by yelling at them. Plus, buffing is tedious bookkeeping that adds nothing of value to the game.
Having a "controller" role is stupid, because everyone should have the ability to influence or control the battlefield.

Instead of roles, just have characters. Everyone is useful, no-one is essential

Punch my DM in the face for inserting his creepy fetishes into the game?

It's not edgy if the OP isn't human.

That's a lot of talking, friend, and I don't really care about this shit, but I'll let you decide: we take the dumb orc or YOU stand before me the next time an umber hulk charges at us.

i hire the cannon fodder and throw her at my problems

all female party ftw

rekt!

Or everyone can get out of the way when the umber hulk charges, because the idea of someone just standing there as it happens is even dumber than the orc.

Well yeah, last time it didn't work out so well because the fucker was faster, that's why we're looking for a new party member.

Have fun getting your shit kicked in by the first monster who is partially immune/completely immune to magic.

>implying a TANK can DPS to save your ass

>implying that she'd do a better job than my summons

>implying a wizard can

>one machine gun in the belly-mounted turret that can fire to the front, rear, and both sides of the tank;
what

Leave her behind. That type of person is usually morbidly obese (while insisting any health problems she has is because of white men tricking people) and doesn't leave the house for fear of being triggered. She's probably about as useless as boobs on a bull.

>Spend 20000 gp on enough gas to fill an unknown underground space
>Go into dungeon, find it's full of unconscious necromancers and undead
>Fight undead
>Find 10000 gold
>Cry

Easy peasy,

Hire her like normal and preface all my requests with a please and thank you.

Failing that, make damn sure my max and endurance check speed is higher than hers

Double failing that, stick a portable hole in a bag of holding for some sweet, sweet, chaos magic rolls