God I love this shit. 40k not taking itself seriously again is the best thing that could happen

>[...]please refrain from warming these implements using an overheating plasma gun. This will result in overcooked and unsatisfactory food, and death.

Pic Related

Yeah, well, I'm not exactly expecting fucking Waiting for Godot when reading sci-fi novels. And for what it i worth, Eisenhorn and Ravenor are pretty high quality.

>In ancient Terran mythology, Valkyries used to carry heroes into heaven, and that’s still broadly true

I feel that your judgement is too binary, nowadays anything that's not excellent often gets immediately dumped into "shit". It's more granular than that. Also, as you say not all books are written with the same objectives in mind so I wouldn't judge them all by the same standards.

Now, I know that this is controversial to say the least but I'm a fervent adept of ADB's way of writing. The way he writes is epic, in the actual sense of the term. He's the only one that gives the setting the grandeur and the sheer awesomeness it needs to be a really enjoyable read.

That said, I'll be the first to admit that the content is not always on par with the form. Notably his waifu/daddy issues recurrences, chaos boner, or the fact that his SM protagonist are very often quite the same moody, whining, self contemplating character.

But still, I might not WHAT he writes all the time, but I thoroughly enjoy the WAY he writes it.

On that note, I also heartedly recommend Baneblade by Guy Haley, a fantastic read on the IG, with the awesome HFY moments but also some interesting bits on the horrors of war, the difficulty of the crew to adjust to new members (reading the follow up short story is a very good addition) and to forget one's homeworld.

Likewise, Deathwatch by Steve Parker is in my top 5, loads of fluff on both the Deathwatch, likelable casts of SM (yes, you read that right, SM are not bland and boring in this book) and on rather uknown chapters as well.

Finally, Dark Hunters:Umbra Sumus by Paul Kearney is a must read imo. You can get it on torrents (got mine on kickass IIRC) since the book was never published because of legal issues at the last minute. I'd bet the author uploaded it himself and rightly so. It's everything a novel about a barely fluffed SM chapter should be. Seriously, read it.

Anyhoo.

>Included in this document are a selection of uplifting inspirational quotes, each of them field tested and found to be effective*. These have each been assigned to an archetypal situation to help you use them correctly.

>*Compared to test groups sent to battle in a controlled experiment where their officers were rendered unable to speak by a Magos-Biologis of the Adeptus Mechanicus. These groups performed poorly.

A bit heavy-handed in the "look, we're being really stupid like the IG totally is" department, I feel.

>** Do not do this. Any trooper caught resting on their own intestines will face summary execution.

>4. High-charge power pack.
>Check temperature often – if cool, you are not fighting hard enough. Immediately commence firing.

So this is why Guardsmen are always shooting at the floor.

To be fair, I can totally see somebody in the Departmento Munitorum ordering these tests to be conducted. And you just *know* there's a magos somewhere who has waited all his life to do just that.

I get the criticisms of ADB, the character construction being pretty repetitive being the biggest, but I'm of a similar mind to you in that his literary voice appeals to me. His use of language when describing certain things (There's this passage from Night Lords that's something like "The sound of the Legiones Astartes at war is the sound of wolves and lions devouring one another while carrion birds scream above", and that really appealed to me) has this ornate, Gothic, Poe-ian kind of verve that gets me.

>Due to ongoing difficulties with some minor agri-worlds on the Eastern Fringe being temporarily* turned into lifeless rocks by the advance of Hive Fleet Leviathan, we’ve taken the opportunity to re-assess the content of your ration packs.
>*117 agri-class worlds affected to date – re-colonisation and terraforming estimated for completion c.M47

You know, all the things considered, 6000 years isn't a bad timeframe for perfectly terraforming a planet from a lifeless rock without atmosphere to a habitable state, especially considering the Imperium's waning grasp on technology on that scale.

What strikes me with ADB is that he knows how to give impact to his words.

I remember so many quotes from his books, and barely any from any other author.
Really on the top of my head:

>OUR CITY! OUR WORLD! (Helsreach)
>-Shut up Tan. -Shutting up Sir. (Cadian Blood)
>She was bred to kill. But Astartes were bred for war. (NL book 2 or 3)
>'I'll be there in 6 minutes. 7 if there's resistances. 8 if they're carrying bolters.' The resistance was carrying bolters. (Prince of crows)
>We're not soldiers. We're warriors. (Betrayer)
[/spoiler]>KNEEL.[/spoiler](The First Heretic)

>If you witness a barrage of vortex missiles, and happen to glimpse the enemy’s last moments as they are consumed by the horror of the immaterium, you should immediately consume Special Ration Pack XIV. These small tabs will stave off any impending madness. A commissar will be on hand to help you administer the dose.

Guardsmen are prepared for every situation.

Do tyranids get rid of atmosphere? How can they do this? Aren't they "just" taking the biomass?

It's not so much the tests or conclusions as how they hit the readers over the head with how idiotic it was. "These groups performed poorly" and such. But then again, I suppose there's a non-irrelevant portion of GWs customer base that really needs that kind of handholding.

His comparison of Astartes and Custodes is still ringing true for me, with SM being wolves helping each other, and Custodes being lions, better individually but fighting completely alone, without the brotherhood bonds that the Astartes have.

>hand holding
Cuckholding

They scour the entire planet for *anything* useful. They have organisms whose sole duty is to tunnel through the bedrock and hoover up and mineral veins they happen to find while driilling down to the molten core.
Other creatures, including but not limited to their ships, suck up the air and filter out anything useful.
By the time they are done there are no substantial quantities of anything left besides the dead dirt and lesser rocks.

What I loved about this scene was how utterly alien the custodes' fighting style was to the marines, like they'd never even considered such a concept.

Why not both?

Ciaphas Cain did it right. Sometimes it's serious, sometimes it's funny.

>Brewing the Perfect Cup (of recaff)

1) Prepare your container
>Many squads maintain a dedicated recaff kettle. For luck***, this is never cleaned. While the brown-green sludge that forms inside may appear distasteful, it would be true to say that this adds to the flavour.

2) Boil the Water
>The first thing you’ll need is boiling water. Be aware to take into account your altitude and the planet’s gravity and atmospheric density, as this may affect boiling point and thus the flavour. Such factors may also hamper your ability to survive whilst brewing.

3) Prepare the recaff additives
>Your regimental quartermaster will have issued guidelines on the correct composition of recaff for your deployment. It is vital that you follow these instructions. Any troopers found using unauthorised plant material in recaff, or additional caffeine, will face summary punishment, followed by death, and having their recaff confiscated.

4) Lower recaff additives into water, inside a suitable filter
>Idealy, this should be done inside a Munitorum-approved Perforated Hot Water Submersion Container. Failing that, a standard issue Guardsman’s sock will suffice.
Note: the taste will likely be affected if this sock has been previously used for its standard purpose.

5) Wait for the percolation
>The correct time to wait is as exactly long as it takes to recite the 113th verse of the Mantra of the Emperor Ascendant (which, as a faithful Guardsman, you of course know by heart). Then remove the Munitorum-approved Perforated Hot Water Submersion Container (or sock).

6) Enjoy a delicious cup
>With all this done, it’s time to pour yourself a delicious mug of recaff.

>Good job, trooper – another victory for the Imperium!

Whoever's writing these deserves a reward. Or at least a sticker.

pic related is recent example of serious 40k being kickass

web.archive.org/web/20060429152846/http://uk.games-workshop.com/tyranids/tyranoforming-worlds/1/

I bring you grave news. The threat we face may be far more vast than we ever dreamed. Technical analysis of Dalki-Prime pre Tyranid consumption survey information when cross-referenced with the data from Dalki-Mons post Tyranid consumption shows some startling information.

Dalki-Prime was an agricultural planet with a diameter of 12,500 km, slightly smaller than Terra. The Tyranid fleet was able to remove the following quantities of material from the planet within 100 days [Terran Standard].

1.55 billion cubic km water, one cubic km of sea water weighs over 1 trillion kg.
8.67 billion cubic km gases, at STP theoretically they could reduce this to 1 tenth its volume by super cooling and pressure (3 atm, and 0ºC).
72 million cubic km soil and minerals, weighing 1.4 trillion kg per cubic km.

It is nearly inconceivable how they were able to accomplish this in such a short time, much less explain where the materials were taken, as the typical hive fleets encountered historically are not capable of transporting even a fraction of this volume. Over 10 billion cubic kilometres of material was removed from the planet. This would require untold millions of ships and is far beyond the scope of the entire Adeptus Mechanicus to accomplish given a decade. Most astonishing is that this is insufficient to sate their hunger and they strike again and again, often within months. We must somehow determine if these fleets are somehow sending material back to their home systems for it seems obvious that they are not using all the materials.

Detailed analysis of devastated worlds have yielded the following data in conjunction with orbital surveillance satellite and data recordings which were recovered.

That remains utterly retarded.
>lions are known to be solitary creatures hurrrr
>why would body guards fight together hurr durr durr

1) 40k is pretty terrible when it comes to numbers, science, math, etc. Insert pic of old land raider blueprint that said it had only 500mm RHA.....as if that's impressive.

2) most of the stuff they suck up is useless non-organic crap. Presumably all the water and gases they suck up just get any organics digested out of them, and then get shot back out into space or whatever.

>The Ignoble Aircraft of the Xenos
>Over the last three rotations, several of you have written to us concerned about reports of mass ‘casualties’ inflicted by enemy air attacks. After due investigation we have concluded these instances to have been falsified and wildly exaggerated. What is true is that at the exact moment an enemy aircraft flew overhead, a lone squad of troopers were blown to pieces. However, this was a mere accident and nothing to do with the enemy fighter. The careless** troopers had inadvertently triggered a landmine and were summarily blown to bits.

>Just to be clear, enemy aircraft cannot hit you. The Eldar and their flimsy flyers move much too fast to target ground troops. Ork fighters are primitive and are outfitted with inferior weaponry that lacks the range to hit anything not immediately in front of them. Necron craft rely on the same power source for both their guns and engines and cannot fire while moving.

>We have also received dubious reports of Valkyries being shot down. Be assured, no Valkyries have been lost in any recent war zone. If you believe you have witnessed such an occurrence, you have likely just seen one of these fine pilots make an expert landing under enemy fire, and any explosions were most assuredly the enemy, or perhaps fireworks to celebrate another successful landing. If you find these explanations unsatisfying, please report to your Regimental Commissar for further details.

Xenos shits just give up and die already.

Eldar would've had a chance if they tried to be less arrogant and took Imperials more seriously.

Not to mention stopping ot rely so heavily on the shroom-powered visions of their Farseers.

They could be using it as propellant.

...

>Body guard gets ambushed while he's alone
>dies like a punk because he's only trained to fight with his four butt buddies nearby
You're retarded

Realm of chaos.

ugh. I hate non-serious 40k.

>Bodyguard is alone despite his function being to not actually be alone
>Fighting well in a group means you cannot fight competently alone

Sorry ADB, but you're still a retard.

>regimental-standard.com/2016/07/07/inspirational-quotes-an-officers-guide/
These are really stupid.

Please report to the Commissar.

kek

>What is resting
>What is off duty
>What is sleeping
You do realize the custodes do things besides stand in a circle around the golden throne, right?

>>What is resting
>>What is off duty
>>What is sleeping

What is your point?
How does any of that change that being in a group of people charged with a singular task and not being trained to fight in a group is retarded?

I will never have my helghast campaign!

If I've learned anything from real life it's that Tau ankles are all T1.

It's also because they were assassins, and diplomats on Terra at the same time.

Hence the need to put an emphasis on autonomy, whereas Astartes are not likely to fight alone, if ever.

>Hence the need to put an emphasis on autonomy, whereas Astartes are not likely to fight alone, if ever.

Except they do fight alone. All the time.
Let's not pretend that space marines are not autonomous, they are far more so than the Custodes who are nestled in the bosom of Terra.
Again, why would you not have a group of people who are given the job of protecting someone learn to act together?
Imagine five secret service agents are guarding the president when they come under attack.
Agent One breaks out his sweet ninjitsu moves.
Agent Two leaps around howling with the strength of a chimpanzee.
Agent Three sits edgily in the darkest corner glaring at people.
Agent Four attempts to speak diplomatically.
Agent Five reveals his suicide vest and starts screaming.

While all these individuals might be quite impressive, that's the recipe for a shit defensive manoeuvre.

I chuckled.

But I guess most of it can be attributed to a) Not really thought out fluff in the early days of 40k and b) an honest attempt on ADB's part to avoid having Custodes just being Astartes but better on every point. Would have been plain boring.

>Not really thought out fluff in the early days of 40k

ADB certainly did not write in the early days of 40k.

>an honest attempt on ADB's part to avoid having Custodes just being Astartes but better

That's how he had them though except for the fact that whoever trains them is apparently a retard.
Blood Games and a Thousand Sons already established that the Custodes weren't actually better than Marines. The biggest difference being their equipment.

Never said ADB did write in the early days. I implied he had to make do with what he had.

Not really a fan of Custodes being on par with Astartes. Otherwise, why the hell would they exist? Why not take Astartes that distinguished themselves and be done with it.

We're rold their making itself is a lot more costly, individual and different than the "mass produced" Astartes, that alone should grant them a certain difference. And then well shit, they are the Emperor's personnal army, it's pretty logical imo that they should be a tad better.

>I implied he had to make do with what he had.

He ignored what he had and went his own completely nonsensical way.

>why the hell would they exist?

Because having a super human bodyguard loyal only to you is good?

>they are the Emperor's personnal army, it's pretty logical imo that they should be a tad better.

That's not really logical at all. You want your best actually out doing things rather than standing around waiting for things to happen. If you think about the best soldiers in your country you'll probably think of the special forces teams rather than the thugs standing around the important people.

>Agent One breaks out his sweet ninjitsu moves.
>Agent Two leaps around howling with the strength of a chimpanzee.
>Agent Three sits edgily in the darkest corner glaring at people.
>Agent Four attempts to speak diplomatically.
>Agent Five reveals his suicide vest and starts screaming.

>"As the Guardsman is equipped to battle all enemies of man, so the spork is the capable of tackling any food.

Can also be used as a close combat implement in extreme circumstances (not recommended)"

Funnily enough there was a case where a U.S. soldier killed an enemy combatant in the middle east with a spork.

>why the hell would they exist?
Because the Emperor didn't just make super-humans. He had prototypes and experiments. We don't know when the Custodes came about. For all we know they could've predated the Thunder Warriors. If so, it's possible that the type of squad-based psycho-conditioning that astartes have wasn't yet perfected at the time of the Custodes inception. The Thunder Warriors certainly didn't have it.

It's not like any HH author has an excellent track record of following what others wrote a few years before on the subject, but I'll concede that.

I don't get your second point though, obviously we've seen Astartes going full traitor, but if Empy could take Astartes as bodyguard without loss of quality and not spend more resources in Custodes to have the same results without any loyalty problem, he would do it. Hence my point, if Astartes were on mar with Custodes, why would Custodes even exist? Just handpick a few and making sure they're loyal.

Eeeeh true enough on that one, but it's more because in our world we don't have president on the front line killing foreigners with their flaming sword, therefore needing the best at their side. Empy, on the other hand, definitely did that, and needed the best. Obviously we're digging to far into the setting to try and make sense of everything, but after he withdrew from combat, chances are Custodes would be too few to make an actual fighting force, apart from a few dudes here and there accompanying legions for various reasons or very important occasions.

Anyway, let's agree to disagree I guess. I like me paladins of the grimdark future to be a tad better than SM but shit at fighting as a group and having a common culture, while you have your own opinion, fair enough. The whole point of 40k is to have your own headcanon on details anyway.

>Compared to test groups sent to battle in a controlled experiment where their officers were rendered unable to speak by a Magos-Biologis of the Adeptus Mechanicus. These groups performed poorly.

Not sure about my info but I THINK Custodes were already around when Thunder Warriors were made.
The way I see it, Astartes the middle bridge between really mass produced unstable Thunder Warrior and handcrafted individual Custodes.

Er, isn't the emperor's forgiveness a swift bolter round to the skull?

Yes.

That's the whole point silly user.

>not including "Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes!"
I can't read anything with Lorgar in it without sniggering as I recall listening to the narrator mewl that line out.

>I don't get your second point though

He had Space Marines to serve as a conquering army, and he had his own guys loyal only to him to serve as a body guard. How he makes them doesn't really matter as he wasn't starved for resources.

>Eeeeh true enough on that one, but it's more because in our world we don't have president on the front line killing foreigners with their flaming sword

I'll counter with he's the Emperor. Modern leaders are not super powerful space wizards.
Really the Emperor having a body guard at all is a bit superfluous.

>I like me paladins of the grimdark future to be a tad better than SM but shit at fighting as a group and having a common culture

Why though?
Why would they have less of a common culture than space marines who are recruit from hundred or thousands of different worlds and have different Legion, Chapter and Company cultures?
Why would they be bad at fighting in a group when they are designed as a fighting group?
Why are they described as being shit a working in a group and compared to Lions when Lions are in fact famed for working successfully in groups?
Why is ADB such a hack?

>Presumably all the water and gases they suck up just get any organics digested out of them, and then get shot back into space or whatever

Organic life isn't just made of carbon, you know. Other volatiles, like, say, water, oxygen, nitrogen, and carbon dioxide, are crucial building blocks of biological chemistry. CHON has more letters in it than C.

Like, nearly 100% of a plant's biomass is directly synthesized from water and air, and nearly 100% of animal biomass is synthesized from plant biomass (or other animal biomass, which was synthesized from plant biomass).

Throwing away the oceans and atmosphere is an enormous waste; all those volatiles are a valuable resource for organic chemistry!

Only two Eldar who noticed it, one who thinks that the Orks are the greatest civilization of the galaxy and the second only realized after his sister ended as a gift to the Blood Ravens.

Isn't water the majority of most life?

Maybe, but my way makes more sense without geedubs having to figure out how a fleet of ships can somehow store trillions of times its own mass and volume in fucking water lol.

Legion of the Damned and Redemption Corps by Rob Sanders.

As a matter of fact, Empy did need protection once in a while. Look at that one time where he was being strangled by an ork and, granted it was horus who saved him, but he still needed saving.
Better safe than sorry imo.

I'm not saying that ALL astartes have a common culture though, but at least on a Chapter basis, they all share the same genetic template, are rarely from more than 10 different worlds (in HH time, in 40k BT just don't give a shit), which is already a big deal, whereas nothing has been said on Custodes on such a thing, and they all follow the same generic training. Custodes, on the other hand, are shown to be trained by other, older Custodes, in a more individual way, not as a group. Being trained in a one on one basis makes a whole difference compared to when your and your buddies will crawl run and train together. That comes with the fact that there are a lot fewer Custodes to train as well.

And they weren't described as shit, but rather "Wrong" IIRC. Doesn't mean they suddenly didn't know how to fight, but rather that the Astartes watching them fight couldn't understand why they wouldn't fight as a cohesive unit like he would.

And ADB might not be perfect but he's still by far the one that I enjoy reading the most. Qualifying someone as a hack because he doesn't do every single bit perfectly in a 300 pages long novel that is not even on Custodes at all is a bit harsh.

Horus ""Saved"" the Emperor, thus leading to the Emperor then erasing the Ork Warboss from existence, purging even its soul and every trace of it.

Both were quite fun, if very different.

LotD was weird at first with Legionnaries just observing the Astartes for months on end before actually acting. But still a good read about masochists.

For everyone arguing about the Custodes, wasn't it said somewhere that the only reason they weren't mass-produced like the Astartes was because each of them were hand-picked and hand-crafted by the Emperor, and that the way they were made was so time-consuming and personalized that there was no way they could be mass-produced, unlike the gene-seed of the Adeptus Astartes and that individually they were worth about three Astartes all on their own?

Maybe not by Empy itself, but overall yes that's the reason why I believe that they're better than Astartes.

They birth a new generation of ships right away, so a lot of the new resources get converted into new organism fast.

>I implied he had to make do with what he had.
ABD never does that, though. His books always fart out retcons so that he can justify his bullshit, like the Emperor bulldozing Monarchia or how Nuceria turns out to be right down the block from Macragge.

>cite an example

'I am not divine,' sayeth the angel. She reached out, daring to touch
the trailing edge of his folded wings beneath the mail cloak.
Sanguinius allowed the imposition, but then stepped back to give her
room. 'I am, like Horus and all my kin, as my father made me. Born of
science and learning, not of mythology.'
'The Emperor made you an angel,' said the astropath, her voice echoing
in the empty room. 'Why? Did he make a devil as well?'
'Have you met my brother Magnus?'
- James Swallow, Fear to Tread

>astropath
Considering their eyes are burned out and they see the warp, doesn't that mean she sees a literal angel?

>Note: Ensure you have a Commissar on hand ready to discipline any Guardsmen who answer in the affirmative, rather than charge forward to glorious victory

>touch fluffy wing

>Stand fast, and die like guardsmen!
(Note: Not to be used around Guardsmen with a poor or overly literal grasp of Low Gothic, who may take the quote as an order to immediately die.)

Was that directed at kriegers?

Good Serious > Good Silly > Bad Silly > Bad serious

Because fuck you, Empy can be well written.

In the First Heretic, a lady rendered blind by the flash of orbital cannons can "see" Lorgar, by the sheer aura that emanates from him, and the same is for all the other Primarchs because they're just so above any human comprehension.
Quite a nice touch from ADB, he wrote on his blog how he really tried to make Primarchs different to standard humans, and that power they all emanates is quite interesting, like some people will cry, faint, shiver, shit their pants, in any case,seeing the 3 meters tall demigods didn't leave random Joe indifferent.

>Agent One breaks out his sweet ninjitsu moves.
>Agent Two leaps around howling with the strength of a chimpanzee.
>Agent Three sits edgily in the darkest corner glaring at people.
>Agent Four attempts to speak diplomatically.
>Agent Five reveals his suicide vest and starts screaming.
I see you know my group.

Indeed. That Warlock and Rohnan took the Red Pills. And the latter got to become very badass.

The Inquisition War

>The Inquisition War
Only the old prints. The old ones still feature Squats.

They edited Grimm out of the new ones?

When they said they are Squatting them, they weren't kidding.

>non-serious 40k

Almost makes me want to start playing again.

>I don't know anything about tanks, but I'll offer my shit knowledge as facts, in a condescending manner

Liar. Squats are back and Grill the Tech-priest is gone.

It's a Heretic Tome though.

>Squats are back
As a note in the abhuman section in 6th Edition.

I'm still waiting for them to come back as a playable faction.

They were mentioned in White Dwarf a while later too. The Tyranids still fucked them but good.

>The Tyranids still fucked them but good.
That's still saddening. GW today would've made them into a more Dwarfier army. They could also do something with the Demiurgs for the Tau instead of leaving one sketch and that they are space dwarves who gave Tau ion tech.