Inquisitorial Penal Regiment Veeky Forums: Arabian Nights Edition

So it seems we've got a big ol' planetary cannon down here. Courtesy of a bunch of now dead Inquisitors... Who wants to help me see if it works?
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FAQ:
>What the fuck is this?
Somewhat a campaign of crack-infused free-form roleplay in the grim darkness of the far future.

>When do you guys make these threads?
Usually mondays at 4PM GMT, but they sometimes extend to Tuesdays if we got caught in the middle of something when the thread died and it was too late to make another one the same day.

>Can I join in?
Sure, just think of a character and have fun, you can find most info in 1d4chan albeit it's ussually a little bit out of date in comparison to where the threads are.

>Is there any requirement in character creation.
Not really, we've had Xeno infiltrators, Chaos infiltrators, Villains, Heroes, Normal Guardsmen, Crazed Guardsmen, Assassins, Psykers, Space Marines, Inquisitors, Squats... just think whathever and join the fun.

>Is it allowed to have more than a single character?
Yes as long as you don't use it to powerplay.

>So how you guys do the playan'?
We tend to use spoilers for OOC chat, but nothing is set in stone.
We tend to use greentexts for describing a character's actions, but again nothing is set in stone.
Use d20s for combat checks and d100s for other things you want to roll, higher Is better.
It's important to know that the regiment is now in the employ of a radical Ordo Xenos Inquisitor, with influence from an Ordo Malleus Inquisitor and under the watch of an Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor. Yes we've been through a lot of shit.

I´ll take a few minutes of breather, but once my innards are convinced inside me is the best available location for them, I´ll see what I can do.
>Makes emergency sutures with a stapler

And before anyone asks. No we are not using it to draw a penis in the mountain.

Also... has anyone seen Hawthorne recently?

>lowers his hand with an annoyed look on his face
what about our faces then?

>Radio Crackles
Malak where in the warp are you?! And why aren't you answering the damn radio!?!

>emerges from a side room with a new prosthetic arm and a smug look on his face.
well then, looks like this trip wasn't a complete waste afterall, this new arm comes with a drinks holder don't you know.

Sorry about that Eisen. We had an unexpected Catachan Major drop in out of nowhere, before blowing up the Tau cannon where we're holed up, and leading us to a hidden Inquisitorial one that may or may not be working...

Also, up until a minute ago, we were kind of about 200 feet underground. But that's besides the point.

Mot... I swear to the Emperor...

Pretty sure that's called "A hand"....

Find by me.

>Meanwhile, in an entirely different Sector, Alice has the ship's crew performing drills while the Scanners sweep the area for anything....unusual.

Well whathever you're doing better do it fast! I'm the last officer standing here to make all these dogs hold the line!

Desertion rate has increased a 3%!

>Gunfire is heard on the background as well a one guy asking to not be blammed.
>BLAM

Luckily, executions for treason have also increased a 3%!

>you recieve a dirty look for your comment
yes quite, however this drink holder also cool or heats the drink, the things the mechanicus have come up with astounds me
>offers the man a blueberry muffin before wandering off to inspect the cannon controls.

>Finishes stapling
So, what are we going to shoot with this thing?

well you're no fun.
>with a dejected look on his face Mot would sigh.
nothing fun I can tell you that already.

I can list you 10,461 Things that fit that description, before having to stop to think about something else than my work these days...

I'll see what I can do Eisen. Just try not to shoot anyone if you don't have to.

>He'd quickly switch off the Vox, before turning his attention to the cannons main console.
>Unfortunately, before he could do that, he'd be forced to remove the remains of what was presumably an Inquisitoral Stormtrooper, before he was violently torn in half by one of the now destroyed servitors.
>He'd then attempt to acquire access to the massive gun using the codes that Gary had given him before heading off to... wherever it was he went when he was finally injured.

>A pleasant sounding female voice would resound.

>"Access denied. Please try again!"
W-what? Maybe I just typed it in wrong.
>He'd reenter it.
>"Access denied. Please try again!"

Ok... this is Bullshit! Let's try one more time!

>"Access denied! You obviously don't have the necessary codes to fire the cannon! I really hope you aren't in the middle of a battle, and need to fire it. Because that would suck!"

Well fuck you to asshole!

First off. This is Inquisitorial equipment. Secondly. I am NOT letting you people carve giant penis' and other assorted bullshit into the desert and other assorted places becUse your injured and bored!

No thanks.

Apparently nothing!
>He'd let out a rather exasperated sounding sigh, before mumbling out.

He has the fucking codes to open the windows, but NOT to fire the cannon! Fucking bullshit!

have you tried turning it off and on again?
>ducks to avoid the incoming las-shot.

Of course I have Mot! Also... please tell me that there isn't something else trying to kill us down here?

>Meanwhile on the surface...

ALRIGHT YOU DOGS, LISTEN UP!

WE'VE GOT THE TAU HITTING US FROM THE FRONT AND THE ORKS ON OUR REAR, THEY'RE MAKING A SANDWICH OUT OF US AND THE ONLY REASON WE'RE ACTUALLY HOLDING THE LINE RIGHT NOW IS BECAUSE I ORDERED THE KRIEGERS TO BUILD A TRENCH AROUND THIS WHOLE CAMP, WE LOOSE THE TRENCH, WE LOOSE THE CAMP!


I'M NOT GONNA LIE, THE SITUATION IS WORSE THAN THAT TIME SOMEONE SENT ME A SLAANESHI HENTAI PORNO ON MY DATASLATE! AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO END LIKE THE POOR SISTER OF BATTLE IN THAT HENTAI IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE ENEMY ATTACKING US AT BOTH SIDES AND WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF RESORUCES!

I'M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS BUT I SWEAR BY THE THRONE THAT IF I HEAR ANOTHER REQUEST OF JOINING THE TAU I'M GOING TO EXECUTE THE WHOLE SQUAD INSTEAD OF JUST THE CULPRIT!

>he was dodging incase Malak was angry enough to shoot at him
yeah but hae you tried rebooting it on a mini Os to bypass the security?

I can attempt to bypass it, although I doubt Calixian codes will be of use here.

>Oddball sits in the open hatch of the Hammerhead, opening yet another bottle of the seemingly unlimited wine.
Have you tried using an access card? There's like.....uh.....one over there on that crate.

>shuffles in while injecting a glowing purple liquid into his arm
Eisen, pornography? Really? How crass.

I did not enjoy a single second of it and my dataslate wouldn't turn it off, I had to shoot the damn thing off with a boltgun.

I'm still looking for who the fuck sent me that...

Quite impressive driving skills. How did you fit that in here?
>Puts a few more staples in his side

>meanwhile a soulstone far away emits a strange noise.
>one could almost mistake it for a giggle.

Yes I have Mot! I've tried everything listed in "The Guardsmen guide to using a computer: Planetary Cannon edition". We simply don't have the clearance to use the damned thing! And our local Inquisitors are either away in another sector doing fuck all, and scissoring each other, or are stuck in orbit!

Honestly, I'm tempted to shoot this thing, AND Gary the next time I see him.

Also... WHERE THE HELL IS HAWTHORNE! I swear to the Emperor; if she's fucking gone traitor or is having a blueberry gangbang, I'll kill her myself!

>stares at Eisen, eyebrows raised.
Well, when you find them, make sure you don't rub off your sick perversion. Pornography is wrong, and the people that make it are-
>he almost cracks
-sick. Very sick people indeed.

If you could, would you leave her cranium and brain intact?

Used the door sir, it's right over there.

That? I must commend your driving skills. I could not fit an attack bike through that.

>Alice pulls the Soulstone from the pocket of her uniform.
>She feels compelled to laugh along with disembodied voice.

I fully intend killing the asshole when I find who it was.

With a death pendulum, I want to make the see death coming in slowly...

What he or she made me see...


it was a nightmare...

>Yawns and admires her new arm

Fucken Adeptus Mechanicus, I'm seriously considering devoting myself to cogs and machines...

So, how are we today gents?

We burning trough enemy lines or barely holding our lines?

Or are we still sitting on our asses while the FUN goes on outside?

>Raises an eyebrow.

It was......a very tight fit sir, luckily we have experience with the impossible.
Would you like some wine? Cheese? Fine Tau Lho Sticks? They try to pretend that they don't smoke, but really, they do.

>Ron's face slowly turns into a big open-mouthed smile
I hope you do.

Well, when you're done jerking it to your tentacle porn, let the Admiral know that the cannons a bust.

No promises Adept.

Uhm... thank you mylord... I guess?

What's the smile for?

Just sitting in this here metal box....
>Oddball taps the hull of the Hammerhead affectionately.
......inside a bigger metal box, I would be catching some rays too, but no sun.

Wine should do.
At the very least, make an attempt. It would be a waste to lose such research material, and I dislike waste quite much.

it seems we are trying to get this canon to work my dear, would you like a muffin? I only have blueberry left I'm afraid.
>the older man would shuffle past as he inspects the console.

Oh, don't worry dear, I think someone spoke of getting trolled.

Nothing. Nothing. I just discovered.
>he wipes his face
Something.

We're in the same situation as before Sergeant.
>He'd let out a sigh, before picking up his gear, and making his way towards the exit tunnel.

Gary's cannon was a bust it seems. Turns out he only had clearance to open up the place, and open its windows. Everything else, including the toilets, and the cannon itself are off limits.

Which means we're back to square one.

I'm sorry, Malak, but the admiral is so far unreachable, I think the Tau are jamming our comms up there.

The situation is looking pretty grim here on the surface, I've got squads lost and spread up behind enemy lines, the Tau are hitting us hard with artillery and the Orks just keep coming on our rear, the colonel and the captain are dead, the first sergeant is missing and I'm the last superior officer up here. I can hardly organize both front lines at the same time, I don't have enough manpower to do so, death rate is over the toll and...

>Muffled Explosion on the distance

Oh hell there goes our armour. We're out of leman russes now too.

>Oddball tosses Callidon a bottle of wine....err, Amasec.
>It is somehow perfectly chilled.

I'll trade you a pack of cheese for two of those muffins.

Bummer

I'll pass, wonder if there's any live-ish cogboys around? I mean there were servitors, cogboys are usually around when there's big-ass cannons and stuff around, even though it isn't a mechanicus planet, right?

I mean if this were a forge world I'd be in too focused on uh...securing imperial resources and cogboys to uh... do anything else


Either way
>The deranged sergeant stretches and yawns again

I'm good to go.

Well marry me and punch me in the face on a daily basis, I really can't think of something that could go wrong now.

I mean I could but that would jinx it and I mean it's never a coincidence that when someone says bad shit will happen, bad shit happens.

SO I'll stay optimistic and slap anyone who gets all pessimistic.

First one's a slap, second's a punch, and the third is summary execution to restore morale, aint that how ya 'sposed ta do the whole morale thing LT?

Understood Eisen! I'm on my way now!

>He'd double time it towards the now Imperial controlled Tau cannon facility.

you have yourself a deal my good sir
>hands over the muffins and rubs his hands together greedily.
>follows the man.

>Accepts the muffins and hands over the cheese as well as another perfectly chilled bottle of Wi- Amasec.
>Both the cheese and Amasec are of exceptional quality.

>The mans brow would raise slightly at her words.

First of all Sergeant... Your idea of marriage is absolutely barbaric, and utterly outdated!

Secondly. No. I refuse to marry you. And that's final!

Thirdly... if you hadn't noticed before. Everyone is there was LONG dead... as in "mummified, and skeletal" dead.

And FINALLY! I doubt this planet was ever a forge world. Considering it has less than ten million people on it.

enjoy yourself now
>shuffles off after Malak.

>Eisen would be found on the front line, organizing the troops on the trenches.

I WANT THOSE MORTARS UP AND RUNNING PRONTO! WE'VE GOT A SHITLOAD OF XENOS TO BEAT THE FUCK DOWN CHARGING THEIR WAY HERE!

YOU THREE COVER THE HEAVY WEAPONS TEAMS, I WANT THOSE HEAVY BOLTERS RAINING FIRE ON THE KROOT!

AND WHERE'S THE DAMN SCOUTS AT?! THEY SHOULD'VE BEEN HERE AN HOUR AGO!

What? You thought I was serious about the marriage thing?

I'm flattered, even though you said no...

And who cares if the cogboys are a bit rusty? They're mostly metal anyway? I mean, some of 'em could still be in working order?

>The sergeant grunts
Well lieutenant, I was not briefed, so excuuuse me for wishful thinking, honestly you're one giant buzzkill.

Has there ever been a moment when you could take a joke and laugh at it?

Maybe attend to the last fantasies of the men and women who serve you, you know before they die?

I could've fought harder if I would've THOUGHT this planet is a forge world, maybe, we'll never find out now!

Whatever, let's just kill or get killed so we can all go...somewhere, and I'm going to enlist in the fucking Admech after this tour, just you watch motherfucker!

>He'd open up the secret door, before making his way out of the Tau Medway, and towards the second line of trenches.

Eisen! Please tell me that within the last ten minutes since we spoke, that something good has happened? Anything would be great right about now!

>There would be an almost pleading glint in the young officers battle wary eyes.

...Anything?

>stands awkwardly looking at the two
Uh. Language.

I re-established contact with a squad lost on the back lines, but only two men are alive on that squad and one of them is wounded.

Sergeant... I'm MORE than capable of taking a joke. But that requires that I'm not CONSTANTLY GETTING SHOT AT!

And when I rejected your marriage offer. I knew you didn't mean it.

And don't even get me started on the whole "I would have fought harder had it been a forge world" crap! You know as well as I do that, that's Bullshit!

>Ron continues to stare
Language.

>shakes his head
these young ones really need to wathc their tongues

>As the LT roared his respons, she got a glimpse on the serial number of his armor
>She points at the digits

Check 'em

>And with this grabs her lasgun and salutes her superior

Aye Sir.

>The sergeant, unaware of the rank of whom she spoke to, spoke out in her usual manner

Ah go fuck yourself! We're in a battlefield what do you expect? All the little children who could be hurt by our cursing are dead already!

>The mans eye would visibly switch at this point.
Eisen... That's hardly good news... especially when we're stuck on this sun blasted, desert rock!

>The mans brow would be raised questioningly at the sight of the Inquisitor.
Please don't take offense to this, Sir. But why the hell are YOU here!? I thought we didn't come down with any Inquisitors?

OI 'HUMIE WOT YA DOIN THERE

Right?

WATCH YOU LANGUAGE!
>Tags peeks out from behind Ron
There's a kid here, lady!

>Ron looks sidelong at Malak
I'm Inquisition, I have my ways. Plus, you know, my little brother kind of jumped out of an AIRLOCK, so maybe less questions.

It's the only good news I have, here.

>Hands him a set of Binoculars.

The Kroot are charging through our minefield now just ahead. The mines will do little more than slow them down, and I don't have enough men to hold this line. We might have to retreat and leave this position. The trenches won't save us from two close quarter combat assaults on both fronts. And the only reason the orks have stopped attacking us is to regroup for another attack, an attack we won't have the means to repel.

Oh, go deal with your broken, and missing arms!

that situation has already been dealt with, my new arm is rather fancy and I have been heavily sedated
>the Navigator would provide a wide smile after this statement.

Ah...

Right...

>She shut her mouth looking toward the front lines

Y-yeah! He "jumped" out an Airlock... of course Sir.... ha ha...

>Malak would cast his gaze away from that of the Inquisitor before him. Having found out how Tags had actually gotten here.

I honestly fucking hate my job sometimes...
>He'd let out a sigh before turning his attentions, fully onto Eisen.

Alright! Gather the men. Tell them to leave any non-essential equipment behind.

Have anyone who can, help gather the wounded. Put a round through any of the wounded who are basically holding their own guts in their hands.

After that, have everyone who's left regroup near this facilities Medway. I've got our one way out of this.

Uhm-... I don't like the accent of that voice...

DEATH THE THE FUCKING PRIMITIVES! YOUR GOD EMPERORS MOM IS SLANEESH! I HAVE FORSEEN IT

>mumbles under his breath
Also I can execute you for insubordination, but think of the children.

>Ron narrows his eyes at Malak
Better have jumped.

Right away, Liutenant.
>He'd begin organizing the men again.

O-oh course he did, Sir!
>Hed continue to avoid the Inquisitors gaze.
H-How else would he have gotten here... in the middle of a battlefield... filled with Orks... and Tau... ha ha...

C-certainly not by entering a Valkyrie when nobody was looking, right before it took off from the Herald... T-That would be ridiculous! A-and heretical to think such things! Ha ha...
>"Please dont find out and kill me. Please don't find out and kill me. PLEASE don't find out and kill me!"

>Ron's eyes burn into Malak. He definitely knows.
I'll deal with this shit later.
>he looks down at Tags, and begins to lecture him on "stranger danger" and "sexual safety". He doesn't really know how to take care of kids.

>He'd mumble under his breath.
I'm blameing Eisen for this..

hrm?
>Eisen just got that feeling of someone talking shit about him whilst organizing the retreat.

>stops lecturing for a moment
Well that's just irresponsible. You have an example to be setting, and blaming your subordinates for your failures does nothing but hurt your reputation, Malak.

>He'd walk out of ear shot of Ron.
No idea why he's giving the poor kid a lecture on pedophiles...

Sir! I said no such thing!

Besides...I graciously accept what failings I have as a human being! And I always strive to fix them so that I can continue to bring glory both to myself, and the God Emperor of Mankind!

>Ron looks incredibly disappointed in Malak
Lying to and insulting me is one thing, but the only one you're hurting in doing so is yourself. You need to take ownership of the things you have said, and ask yourself why you are saying them.

>the Eldars ship would exit the webway nearby.
>by nearby of course this is near Alice and nowhere near the actual regiment
>just to be clear! this is nowhere close to the regiment.
>the Eldar Autarch would chuckle and call for his Farseer.

here sir, the Assassinorum Facility is located on the planey below us.
>the Farseer would stand awaiting orders.

At last, a chance to make one blow to the Mon'Keigh for all the Ulthwe lives they've taken from the shadows...

>The autarch just stares onto the void between the planet below and the ship.

Are you certain she'll be there, farseer?

Have the winds of fate not clouded your judgement, old friend?

>His voice would be almost inaudible over the nearby sounds of gun fire and explosions and he mumbles something under his breath.

Because some dipshit on his phone is deciding my actions for me...

>His voice would the return to normal, as he gives the Inquisitor a crisp salute.

Understood, Sir! I'll go and reflect on my behaviour, and choice of words immediately!

>He'd then make his way around a nearby corner, before Voxing Eisen

Eisen! I need some good news right about now!

they will be here, of that I am certain and strangely I sense... I sense him sir, the Pirate Prince.
>Fra'nk would let out a sigh.

>Salutes in silence
Yes. Sir.

>the sergeant wanders somewhere, judging by her haste she had spotted something of value
>Before anyone could stop her she was long gone, running like a Chi'Ta yet sneaky like a Pan'Terr

Right. The evacuation is proceeding... fast actually, faster than expected, we'll be gone before the Kroot finish crossing the mine field.

This is no time for old flames, Fra'nk, center yourself on the conflict that is coming at hand. With this blow we will avenge a hundred fallen, and we will stop mankind from advancing on their research to something that could doom us all in the future.

>rushes over to her fellow sergeant
>She had wrapped something in...a rather questionable manner
>But she returned to her fellow sergeant, offering the thing which was neatly wrapped in cloth

Sorry?

>Why was she apologizing all of the sudden?
>Could it be the heap of stuff she has attached to her form as she has essentially stripped the battlefield clean of loot?
>Or did she wish to make a truce with the metal man?

... Please tell me that you actually KNOW how we're going to evacuate Eisen...

Uh senpai.........the Eldar are in a different part of the Galaxy.

understood sir, it's jsut I am cautious, if the Mon'kiegh have employed him some how? he is a traitor to our kind after all but also a skilled fighter, I will warn the troops that they may encounter strange things down on the planet. do you wish my company for anything else?

...Please tell me that you actually KNOW how we're going to evacuate Eisen...
ignore my post above... it won't let me delete it

We managed to get some Valks down here, we're moving out of the area, Liutenant.

Mhm?

Something wrong trooper?

I know. My phone has a habit of fucking up at various times. For some reason, without me doing so, it copy/pasted the post number, onto my post.

I will oversee the battle from up here for the time being, you may go...

Fra'nk.

Warn me the very second you find her.

>A ship stops, right at a exit of the Webway
They are here, and still unsuspecting... Excellent... Today I shall feast with the suffering of the craftworlders. Prepare the boarding parties, we shall take their ship when they descend on the planet. Not a single one of you is to touch their Autarch. He is mine.

Yeah... no...
>He'd quickly tap his hand against a wall panel. Causing it to slide out of place, and open up into a dark tunnel wide enough for two men standing side by side, to walk through it.
This is how we're escaping. And when the fighting done, we'll come out in a few hours and finish off whats left.

... hrm discrete, hard to detect, jamms comms... I like it... but will we all fit in there?

>walks away to inspect the troops
I will come running sir.