"Adventurer, put down that sword and listen to me. I've lived a long, long time. And in all the societies I've seen...

This. She's had hundreds of years to work on it and that's the best she can manage?

Obviously she didn't expect your arrival for hundreds of years.

>Hey, lady. Nobody cares about what you think. That's why they're paying me to kill you.

Says the walking corpse who's been raising up the dead to consume the flesh of the living, blanketing the land in eternal darkness, and generally committing abominations against nature, civilization, and anything else that CAN be blasphemed against.

If this was a war for territory, or resources, or ideology? You might have a point. But this is a war for survival, and you are an active threat to all life on this planet from the smallest grub to the vastest dragon.

If you wanted to debate morality with me, you should have had the decency to accept your death when the time came ten thousand years ago. But you were too much of a coward to do what everyone else though history has done, and now you're trying to avoid paying the price for it by trying to confuse me with political statements.

Die, you unholy bag of bones, and stay dead this time.

"No I'm here because you are killing and enslaving peasants on my turf. I kinda like those guys, they keep me rich, well dressed and comfy, and its my duty to see them be safe"

No I am here because I heard that like dragons, liches a mass great wealth over their long livespan. Now hand over the gold and I will end you quickly.

Do over before you try to run that. As it stands she doesn't even have a point, much less an argument.
Pic related might help you, in the broadest posible terms, with coming up with something worthwhile.

Okay first of all. I'm here because I'm getting paid.

Second of all. My mother gave me this exact same speech. You're as good at this as an illiterate butter churner.

So revolution, comrade?

OP's post is in fact paraphrased from a book.

Hey, you!
Your city-slicker ways have dulled you to the art of ore-ate-ton. After all, when you can't write any, you have to get real good at talken nice, like me. After all, I might be a 'supersticious barbararian', but I know how to get people to smile by talking to 'em right and proper. Shoot, before I got that arrow in my eye which got a shot in at my brain, I was considered pretty smert, even by the book-learners.

Besides, your momma might have been a butter churner (I've 'churned a lot of butter' back in my day), but she always did right by you, didn't she?
Till you ran off like the ungrateful bastard you are in the middle of the night with all the good forks'n knives and left her heartbroken.
Course I could fix that, but...

Wait a hooting minute. How old are you again? Where did you say you was from?

If I'm an idiot, what made you think this spiel would work on me? I mean, you're not even appealing to my sense of mercy or compassion. You're not even guilt tripping me, you're just flat out insulting me. Which doesn't seem to be a very wise move, considering the circumstances.

Not even close to the best speech about fighting for someone else's values.

>The foibles of politics and
the march of time can turn friends into enemies just as easily as the wind
changes. Ridiculous, isn't it? Yesterday's ally becomes today's opposition.
And this Cold War? Think back... When I was leading the Cobras, America and
Russia were fighting together. Now consider whether America and Russia will
still be enemies in the 21st century. Somehow, I doubt it. Enemies change
along with the times, and the flow of the ages. And we soldiers are forced to
play along. I didn't raise you and shape you into the man you are today just
so we could face each other in battle. A soldier's skills aren't meant to be
used to hurt friends. So then what is an enemy? Is there such thing as an
absolute timeless enemy? There is no such thing and never has been. And the
reason is that our enemies are human beings like us. They can only be our
enemies in relative terms. The world must be made whole again.

I'm ten.

Huh.
...Hell kinda kid are you, only ten? Don't matter, you need to let the menfolk take care of this.

Though I suppose if you made it this far, can't hurt nothing.

"Then you certainly have securities, comforts, and prejudices of your own. Make me an offer."

Badly.

"Protect who now? I just want to kill you and take your stuff. Like that hat. That's a nice hat."

t. Kaptin Bluddflagg

Aw, jeeze. This is awkward...

I'm not even an adventurer, lady. I stopped at a gas station to take a leak and I bumped into a skeleton on the way out. He took is super personally and wouldn't just let it got, things escalated, and I ended up having to defend my life with the lid of a toilet.

So, naturally, I just wanted to get to my car and get the hell out of dodge before this caught up to me, when what do you know it but the whole place is full of skeletons, and one thing leads to another... and then I find out one of them took my car.

Under under circumstances I might just report it as stolen, but my laptop was in the back seat and I really need that for work. I've just been following tire tracks and cracking skeletons and I really just want to get my car and go home if its all the same to you.

"Nightshift vs The Army Of Darkness"

I can dig it.

>"Heroism? Look lady, I didn't really give a shit about you or whatever it is you're planning. I was told to come here and kill some skeleton dragon that was wrecking a kingdom and you decided to take offense and try to off me for killing your asshole of a pet. The only reason i'm standing here, the reason that i've torn apart your army and wrecked your plans, is because you kept sending people after me and I got sick of it. I came here because I wanted to personally request that you fuck off so I can go get paid."

>"As opposed to you, who clearly became an undead monstrosity for reasons completely unrelated to indefinitely preserving your security and comfort, I suppose?"
>"I'll give you prejudice, though, because I am all kinds of prejudiced against monsters who send zombies down to prey on innocent townsfolk and then try to be condescendingly philosophical when they start losing. Maybe I AM an idiot, but I'm the idiot who's got you cowering in your throne room with your legions in tatters, so what's that make you?"
>"Now, do you want to try looking down what's left of your nose at me some more, or shall we get on with this?"

So are you going to tell me about your plans to solve this conflict through economics, or do I need to stab a bitch?

"I didn't come here because of heroism, I came here for money"

>Power attack

>Argument: illogical
>Attempt at logic bomb: failed
>Directive: unchanged
>Targeting and firing

LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING

Yeah nah, get fucked cunt.

>"Adventurer, put down that sword--"

I AM CHAOTIC NETRAL AND I DON'T HAVE TO STAND FOR THIS UTTER BULLSHIT!

You lived for how many years and THAT'S the best speech you got?

Bitch there can only be one

>"I completely agree, and the last thing we need are idiots who go and make themselves immortal, thus preserving their idiocy and using it to twist the will of the future generations who rightfully oppose them for their hypocrisy."
>"But enough talk, have at you!"

>I roll seduction.

Rolled 20 (1d20)

"Oh really? Never thought of it that way, let me just sit down and you can tell me more about this-SNEAK ATTACK!"

Welp. You've done it.

You had sex with a Half-Skeleton.

>Necromantic energies harming your junk
>Having to go to a healer to save your greatsword
>Healer asks questions
No witnesses.

From the crack in the ribcage and the unnatural veins running from the heart, it looks more like maybe she was dead and some sort of magical or monstrous heart was used to revive her.

...

I'm sticking with my description.

Sick empty platitude blackhair, glad to see death didn't stop you Mongol rape babies from knowing how to recite banal observations and pass them off as wisdom. Now here's a slice of life from someone who actually works for a living instead of clinging to the ass of civilization like a mascera-slathered barnacle.

Society doesn't change. Human nature is eternal. I don't know how you can make snide remarks about this when you yourself are literally a preserved corpse. But what it means is that I have job security. Do you know what "hero" means in my language? "A man who kills people." There's nothing laughable about that, it's a job description. Regretfully I'm not living up to it, because that hair means you aren't a person, and that exposed ribcage means I'm not 'killing' anything. Now if you're done buffing, do me a favor and start the boss music so I can make the next payment on my Camry.

It's got a point. Its an insult.

It matters not.
This is my Lich now.
Co-BBEG time, you damn living-people fuckers.

>you rot from the dick up

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACCEEEEEEE

Nooo! Interrupting the cinematic monologue!
Alternately, Talking is a Free Action.

Now you deal with TWO Liches!

>Talking is a Free Action

I AM CHAOTIC NEUTRAL AND I WILL ABUSE THIS RULE LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER!

Imagine the fucking smell.

Jokes on you, I no longer possess a functioning Nasal Cavity or Olfactory Nerve!

You're right! They've been playing me from my birth! Well... uh... clearly there's no need for us to fight, or like, we could, if you wanna. I'm cool, like if you wanna. Ahh, my boots and socks are wet and it's so dark in here. Man, I wish I was home right now. Hey, umm, you don't happen to have any food?

underrated post

>Yeah, but I'm the idiot that's going to fuck you up so bad that the Devil himself is going to puke and start crying when I boot your pontificating ass through the gates of Hell.

>You are, to some degree, probably right. Ultimately, it doesn't matter at this moment. My superiors desire your death. I have orders and no amount of talk will change that. Now, shall you prepare yourself or shall our final act of this 'romp' be putting down a lame horse?

>Sounds like a bunch of pseudo-intellectual garbage you pulled out of your ass to stop me from stabbing you. You didn't even provide a single chart or cite any sources.

>Put down sword
>Use both hands to perform [cleave] with axe
>Reasoning
>With a paladin

...

[Wisdom (Nature)]

"You're an abomination of nature; you have to die!"

Ma'am, it isn't to do with that - it's just that, well - you see, your undead army has negative side effects on the commodities and futures markets, and gosh darnit if the council didn't just outlaw shorting securitized commodities to reduce the impact of it. Since things are going down AND we can't make money off it, we have to deal with you.

And since since you need your undead army to go on existing, well it is an unfortunate as hell because we made so much god damned money off your predictable behaviour

>But!!...

Now, you see little lady, we have a team of mercenaries that just signalled us with that green smoke you're seein' out your window. Ya see, they got your phylactery, and they put it in a bag of holding, they are about to toss it into a portable hole, now - the cost you've made us expend to get those investing regulations loosened... those were pretty great don't make me tell you how much portable holes are costing in this economy...

Well, I'm gonna let you go, because as soon as my friends down there on theground start their red smoke fire, you are going to be very dead, and they should be starting it right about now. Real sorry - that crown you have is swag as hell...

Ain't personal, just business - now, you have a good eternity there sugar.

Yeah... that's awesome but I'm actually here for personal reasons.

You killed a lot of people I cared about and now I'm here to kill you in return. 'Heroism' really doesn't have anything to do with our meeting here.

Yes yes that's neat and all -- hey, you're undead, right? I'm just assuming what with the whole exposed ribcage and all. Does that mean if I cut off your head, you'll still be alive? and if I burn your body and remove your tongue, you'll just be a consciousness trapped inside a useless head? And my wizard friend can gentle repose that head to keep it from wasting away? And I can wrap a chain around that head and carry it around with me to skullfuck whenever I bump into a another boss monster whose desperate attempts to confuse me with philosophic pre-fight monologues bore me so much that I get distracted by thoughts of hot elf ass?
No need to answer me, I'll just go ahead and find out myself.
>Vorpal crit

I dunno, I think you could have been more succinct.

"That be not the only thing scarce, your highness. What is wrong with your face?"

>Ya think every battle in history was part of some big ol' conspiracy? Bullshit! War's just part of who we are!

>Metal Gear Rising memes
>still using outdated nd unfunny memes from 2014

THE DNA OF THE SOUL

Can we make this quick? Ma is making casserole tonight and I don't want to miss it.

Succinct point, but you're missing a critical detail. I'm an old man, fighting to protect the security, comfort, and future of young men. Now I hope you have Anti-Magic shell active, because I've got a lil' trick I picked off an old man named Mordekainen. Won't matter much though. Why I brought this flying disk.

Shouldn't this speech continue or something? All she said is pretty much
>lol ur stupid and wrong
What's the point? Is she trying to make me join her? Not kill her? Just have a short self-praising wank before she gets cut to bits and has her phylactery smashed?
Is she retarded?

...

...

Maybe she's just about to kill you.

Heroism? Bitch, I just like killin' people.

"You're too close to the truth, ma'am. It's a cycle, you see. Populations boom, the amount of young people questioning things get's to a certain point that they could inflict actual damage on the systems put in place by their corrupt elders, some 'great evil' or 'rival nation' is revealed, the youngsters get drafted/become adventurers, go off and die, that evil dies out, lather, rinse, repeat.
"So I'm afraid that you have been chosen to be this cycle's focal point. You can spout that platitude to the adventurers all you want, but our influence is too great, the promises made too tempting, for your words or spells to stop them from attempting to slay you with every fiber of their being. Do try to take as many with them as you can, though. We'll be watching."

>wah wah wah, humans are evil, woe is me. All I want is one lich or warlord who doesn't try to turn the whole situation around on me and make excuses right after I carve through their army of rape skeletons or rape wolves.
>Just
>One

>"Well, perhaps you can forgive an old fool for trying to relive his adventuring days"

> Don't kill me
> Listen to me
> Your community is invalid
> Don't listen to "old people," that are probably much younger than I am
> You're an idiot

So is that a society of giants or is that a pixie?

>"Oh, dear child. You have been in your crypt far, far too long. With your creations gone, you are the last. The last of all things that have ever been alive. This universe grows cold, returns to the old, first darkness that was before. You alone remain, a mere ember of the light that once was, soon to be snuffed out. That is why I am here, to finally return truth to the universe. Now fall child, and let the world be set right once again."

>And for all your big words, for all your carefully chosen sentences, for everything that you do trying to sap the foundations of light, you are still an abomination. Your death was once forsaken, and too long have you forgotten the embrace of oblivion. You are a puss on the face of the world, a constant reminder of the failures of our ancestors, and their ancestors before. Begone. Do not dwell amongst the living.

"Then you'll come quietly, and I'll guarantee your safety until either you have convinced me or you are found guilty of your crimes in a fair trial.

But that's not going to happen either, because I am no bugler or assassin, intruding on your peace in a secluded tower at the behest of the self-righteous. I'm the culmination of thousands of men dead, hundreds of graves defiled, dozens of cities razed and a single purpose.

If you are as old and wise as you claim, then submit, because I am your antithesis: You fear a death that cannot claim you, I welcome him as my erstwhile companion, in the steel of my blade, the blood on my hands and the sand in my hourglass.

My elders did not send me, Death did; he's come to collect.

>Put that sword down, you're just dumb, just don't do what old people tell you to do, it's just dumb.
Yup, this sounds legit.