ITT: Joke enchantments you've put on items and given to a player

reminds me of CMOT Dibbler

Assuming D&D-type rules.
Mace of Merger sounds like a pretty cool item, bud. If I start clinging silver to it, does it then do silvered-weapon damage? Can it stick things to it without smashing the mace into it, and make my mace anoint goblins with alchemist fire? Does pressing the button count as a "use object" action?

If I hit a golem in the crotch with it, would I have a golem-mace, or would the golem have a dick?

I've never really made a lot of joke enchantments for my own campaigns, but I have homebrewed joke effects for serious magic items.

>Coffer of Fluid Funds
>Jewelry box that turns gems and small art objects into coins, much like the 4E ritual it was based on
>If the coffer would produce more than 1,000 coins in a single transaction, a fountain of gold-painted wooden coins would burst free of the jewelry box immediately, throwing the lid into the user's face and possibly damaging other nearby creatures

"Both" I'd assume

Not the OP, but you just lost your mace, and the golem can now fulfill sexual requests from its master

But what if I'm its master?

Congrats, you are about to be pegged by a golem and have a very sore ass

I'm not a D&D player so I'll try to answer fluff-wise.

>If I start clinging silver to it, does it then do silvered-weapon damage
Depends how. If you carefully smack it into silver coins so that the entire surface is covered, definitely. If you just hit a silver ingot, you now have a mace with a silver ingot sticking out of it. You can always try to hit your foe with just the right side.

>Can it stick things to it without smashing the mace into it
No. The force you hit the object with actually determines how deep the object will sink into the mace before merging.
Also, I understand alchemist fire is a liquid explosive? The mace only works on solids. You can hit the glass bottle without being broken by the mace, but it will probably break from the rebound it gets from the table it's standing on.
Maybe if you place the bottle on a cushion and then hit it....

>Does pressing the button count as a "use object" action
From my limited knowledge on the dynamic of D&D: yes.

whynotboth.jpg
Actually, it will most likely look like the golem has a penis, since you probably can't lift the golem-mace anymore. But the golem shouldn't get too exited, as soon as someone touches that red button, the mace will detach itself again.
Leaving the golem with blue cogs.

>Wand of Spell Reversal
A wand that aims from the handle, not the tip.
>Sword of Maiming
It sure is.
>Draught of Elixir of Potion
Refreshing, but fundamentally useless. Because it's water.

>implying that the user didn't know that
Pretty sure he'd have crafted a special "sheath" for the handle so it's difficult to hit button while it's over the mace

Congratulations, you've solved the golem's frustration and completed the encounter.

>Axe of the Berserker
Yeah, no shit. He wants it back.
>Gloves of Far Striding
Hope you can do a handstand.
>Arrow of Summon Steed
Imagine getting shot. Now imagine a horse just bursting out of nowhere. It sees you, and starts sprinting at you.
How do you keep your shit together in a situation like that, huh?

>Blade of Latency
anything cut by it becomes invisible until the wound closes naturally, be it from scabbing over for a little knick, or healing completely in the event of nastier cuts. Good luck suturing gashes shut yourself though, because unless you have good spatial cognition, you're invisible even to yourself. Also, the invisibility only extends to the materials on your person at the time of being wounded, so stitches and hot items you load up in your pockets will still be invisible

>Vapal Blade
Obnoxious plumes of smoke pour from the wielder's orifices obscuring all view.
>Knife of Mercy
Looks darkedgy as all shit, but the blade retracts under pressure. Pops back out due to a flimsy spring in the handle.
>Mace of Fury
You don't feel any different when holding it, but people sure do get angry when you hit them with it.

>My personal favorite is a sword that just screams really, really loudly when it's unsheathed.
>that's a bad thing

Bitch please

>Sword of Maiming
>Draught of Elixir of Potion
>Axe of the Berserker
>Mace of Fury

All across the land, merchants have started giving everyday items powerful-sounding names in order to fool stupid adventurers into buying them.

NAAAAA NANANA NA NANANA KATAMRI DAMACY

so if he doesn't use "protection" his dick will fall off? and here i thought sex ed was exaggerating.

>this is a joke item
>implying it wouldn't be used by organized crime to laundry money

Bitch please!

>Ring of True Insight
Congratulations wearer! You're now aware that you were created by some human to adventure in an imaginary world! Nothing you do really matters, because the human they call the DM is the truest and closest thing to a God for you, and is the reason why all those creatures ambushed your party.
Roll 2d100 to see if your character commits immediate suicide. 10 or less is successful in keeping your character alive, though no one will believe them about any of this Truth unless they wear the ring. NPCs are auto suicide

>Ring of immediate suicide
This is useful.

and when I say "unless they wear it", I mean unless the person your character is trying to convince wears the ring themselves, they'll never believe them

Does what it says on the tin. Prove me wrong and get your money back, cross my heart.

>Hornet Dagger
Secretes as much poison as a single hornet sting. Recharges after an hour of high pitched buzzing.
>Blade of the Maiden
An intelligent blade that is convinced it's a young woman, despite having the voice of Gilbert Gottfried. Emits an audible moan when unsheathed, followed by breathless panting.
>Diplomat's Instrument
Gain a significant bonus to verbal diplomacy for as long as you are playing this instrument. It's a mouth organ.

Sex Ed was totally right! so long as you're a golem with a magic mace phased into your crotch with what is basically a magic eject button in the end of the handle

Aren't we all though, In a way?

My penis has yet to fall off from someone licking the tip of it, so no not really.

Watch the party commit TPK because of the ring.
Then watch the players make more and more character until you have a complete party who knows the truth. Incidentally, they continued making only bards and clerics: soon they start a cult to the so-called 'GM' in order to make the world a better place.

Congratulations, you wrote yourself in a corner: what is the next step in your master plan?

The same thing any all powerful being that is near omnipotent (minus knowing what the PCs do). Congratulations, you're now in the Matrix, but can only do as much as your character can do. The GM is the BBEG, and everyone who isn't you is Mr. Smith

Are they doing it right?

No teeth and I get to cum after 10 minutes, so yes.

Ring of CHIM

Two kinds of people

Except you gain no powers if you survive

>Staff of Teleportation
The staff disappears. We are almost certain it goes somewhere else though.
>Periapt of the Unloquacious one
Gifts the drinker a severe speech impediment.
There is an antidote; Archmage Athesslelan's Liquor of Lavicious Exultaion. Just hope that you don't get given Archmage Asseth-Roran's Liquor of Leviathan Excitation.
>Crossbow of Arrow Deflection
I mean, if you hold it right.

Why does your partner have no teeth?

No, wait, now I get you.

>No teeth
Well there's your problem

Was there ever any kind of in setting exolanation of that fucker? He had glowy plagas eyes but seemed to be there mostly to sell guns to anyone who wandered by

no denture adventure
They know how to give a proper blowjob that doesn't end in scraping my dick with their teeth

Maybe she's already been sucking off a Golem.

>Wand of Fly Bane
It's an iron stick with a patch of leather on it. Literally a flyswatter. +2 to hit flies and other insects. Not spiders though, arachnids should be killed with Parchment of News.
>Dagger of Hasty Return
A dagger that when dropped, always return to the user. It's literally a dagger with some rope attached to it.

You have to recover the NPCs Ring of i
Increased Stamina. It's just a cock ring.

"Please, adventurers. I need you to recover my Ring of Increased Stamina! I'll pay you handsomely!"
>it's his cock ring. It was clearly crafted by elves and looks expensive, but why would someone steal this? It still strongly smells of dicksweat

The Daemon Bolter of the Gates

>Every time the weapon is activated, the Windows 95 start-up theme is played
>Every time the trigger is pulled, the notification sound plays
>Whenever an enemy dies because of wounds caused by this weapon, the enemy screams out the 95 shut-down sounds

It's even better when you've got a soundboard/phone with all the sounds on it.

>Crystal of invigoration
A magical Quartz gem that with bring life back to someone, providing they have only died recently.
However it's a suppository, and only provides life for as long as it remains inserted. This means that you are more or less functionally immortal, but you die when you have to take it out to take a shit, since you still have to eat and everything. Unless you're a monk.

>Pan's Flute of Summoning
It's a pan flute that calls forth all pans within a mile radius. You can direct them with the flute to attack, as the summoning gives them levitation

>sword comes with its own war cry

Sounds like a bonus desu.

A cursed item, the Fool Cap. It appears to be a wizard hat that grants +2 Int or something like that. In reality, the magic student who made it screwed up his enchantment of enhancement, so now it confers upon the wearer all the intelligence and knowledge of the material used to make it. They become as clever as cloth.

>Coin of Reproduction
a magical coin made from some unknown metal. If you hold it and another coin between your thumb and forefinger and rub them together, it creates a new coin for every second you keep rubbing them together, meaning you can basically become a fountain of money. you can't go overboard with it though, otherwise you make the current currency essentially worthless while drastically increasing the prices for everything in the world. Maybe that magic coin was from a long collapsed society that had the same issue with greediness, you bastard

I am fairly certain that was an American Dad episode.

It was the basis of inspiration, but I expanded on it since it wasn't fully explained. Plus, it gives you Wolverine's healing factor, so unless you get anally pickpocketed by the rogue, you're deathless

Sounds like it would give a situational bonus to intimidate checks.

>he doesn't like a little tooth
You have clearly been getting blown by an amateur.

A little teeth is no problem, but chewing on my dick like it's gum is another

On the other hand, if there was another kingdom or country waging war against you, and there currency was made of other metals, you could seriously bankrupt them so long as you had a coin from there

Or if you use a silver coin to make your own ingots to use for arrowheads and inlaid into weapons, I don't think it'd have as much of a socioeconomic impact as circulating increasing amounts of metal coins and devalue them

a nodachi with magical edge enchantment

it can do everything the average weeaboo claims what a katana can do, but needs a good amount of mana to do it. (it adds cutting damage proportional to mana input)

made it as a joke reaction to the armchair historian at the table , so he can see people literally slicing armor and non-protective enchanted weapons with a shitty sword.
in the end , weapons with long blades such as two-handers and nagimakas became the most effective melee weapon of non-formation combat for the current campaign.

I had that same ring in a game once.

I also recently had players hear from a bard about a castle with a legendary Armor of Invincibility, but when they got there, it was the Armoire of Invincibility. Stole that from the old 8-Bit Theater comic, which was what first got me into role playing like a hundred years ago.

In Barbarians of Lemuria, I had a Bard who the players encountered in every tavern and every town, who kept telling them the same stories trying to feed them adventure hooks, which they always refused to bite on. He kept denying that he was the same Bard from other places and saying he had no idea what they were talking about. They even invited one of him along on an adventure once, and he drowned, then appeared again in the next town.

Finally near the end of the campaign, they went through some elaborate plan to poison a court jester they really hated. The guy who killed him was so happy he'd gotten rid of the annoying little fuck, and I remember looking around the table and seeing the Bard token standing over by the fountain dancing for the king, and I was like,
"Uh oh, Bard is evolving!"
And I changed his token to the Jester.

Players seemed to like that.

...

The party rogue decided to steal from the arch bishop of a countries capital city and walked out with a cursed set of gloves.

Each time he stole something, or commited an affront to the god of that church the gloves gained 5 lbs of weight, the weight would not lift itself until he went to a church of the god in question and confessed his crimes/ made donations proportionate to the crimes committed.

> Long story short the rogue was stubborn and got used to running around and fighting with an extra 30 plus pounds on him, as a result he kept getting stronger and took a few levels in barbarian. Needless to say the arch bishop was pissed when he found out his clever deception had just made the rogue a better and more deadly thief.

is that because no-one has gotten close enough?

crashing this plane, with no survivors.

>Hornet Dagger
soo infinite (albiet slow) source of poison?
sounds good to me

Plus, thirty pound gloves make for one hell of a mean unarmed attack.

The leather would have to have holes drilled into it like modern flyswatter. The modern flyswatter disturbs the air less, so flies can't sense it about to impact them.

The players want to roleplay an in-game cult to GM, so let them. Send them on retarded tasks because it'll is "the will of GM."

youtube.com/watch?v=EY0DfFlzcBk

>despite having the voice of Gilbert Gottfried
Change it into actual young woman's voice and I wouldn't mind having this blade.

Use Prestidigitation spell to clean the shit inside you.

You'd lose the whole point of the thing then.

Oh, true, I misread "convinced" as "convincing", so it makes more sense now.
In that case, I throw the shit away, I don't want to hear a man panting or something.
or sell it to some gay, whatever.

I played in a game where th DM did exactly that. We all died essentially for his amusement and subsequently rioted. Damn near destroyed the game.

People can't always handle the truth, shit will go down

Nah, I've had quite a bit of sex with a little oral thrown in my way, but usually don't get head for very long because it's more fun to fuck

I did this. I later had an encounter with two overleveled banshees keeping the entrance to a dungeon, who demanded equipment sacrifices to pass.
The intended purpose of the ring was making the banshees fight each other for "stealing the ring" off one another. But my players are idiots and ended up entering a crypt of high level undead near naked.

>all the intelligence and knowledge of the material used to make it. They become as clever as cloth.

It's more that it was just a trap. We find something that dispels illusions, we find a room that seems to have an illusion in it, we use the item and all instantly died.

That's it, game over. No save, just dead. Then he's shocked when we're mad.

Potion of Bull's Grace:
While the effect lasts it bestows a -4 penalty to Dexterity, but each round the imbiber can make a sunder attempt against any unattended object as a free action.

the poison is only released when stabbing, you can't farm it

thats a big plan

Then that is just shittiness

Mace of Excrement.

Striking the enemy fills their bowels and loosens their sphincter. They begin to uncontrollably shit themselves, becoming stunned and taking 1D4 necrotic damage.

>Come face to face with a mob of giant spiders.
>me, a ranger, starts picking shots at the freaks from the back.
>Paladin has the mace, strikes a spider in the face.
>Whole table comes to a pause. What happens next?
>What's the biology of a spider where poop is concerned? Do they even HAVE that kind of a digestive system? Would it just start uncontrollably blasting webbing from its back side?
>DM reaches a decision: Spider begins to fill with shit, swelling like a putrid water balloon.
>Spider explodes into chunks of chitin, slime and shit. Everyone in a 10 square radius takes 1D4 necrotic damage and is stunned..
>Doesn't hit me, but fail on a constitution check and vomit form the scene before me.

Beautiful

Seems a little OP. If that's how it works against monsters without a humanoid digestive system then it explodes? you could break quite a few encounters like that.

>Golems
>Ghosts

......The fuck would happen if you hit a Tarrasque?

I think you just got magical realmed.

If you were a person in generic fantasy land and someone unsheathed a blade that screamed you would be shitting your pants in fear. That shit sounds fucking horrifying.

This sounds incredibly useful to a clever player and with a good DM

>......The fuck would happen if you hit a Tarrasque?

>hits tarrasque with mace of excrement
>tarrask takes a pause to the bathroom
>a couple millenia pass
>a beast emerges from putrid mountain, leaving a trail of death, destruction and methane