"Halt knave! Thou have sullied my land with thine footsteps and besmirched the honour of mine own fair maiden."

I have my men charge him down

These backwater knights would be a pain if I had to deal with them directly

"Nice Armour."

Then I raise my blunderbuss and fire at his face.

Then I get new murderhobo armour.

"This is eeriely similar to when Aelinore of Gransys accused me of trying to rape her."

I didn't vote you.

She mind controls him and then celebrates making a new friend.

"I cast fist"
>have Burning Touch quickened and stilled
>punch him in the face

"We're on the same side, you daft twat. Also, what fair maiden? I've spent the last month or so in the abyss, offing demons with my homies."

...

Yeah? well up yours too buddy!

Make her brown and you've got official artwork of the Silver Flame's Pope.

"Up yours too, buddy."
>cast Haste on self
>make like a tree and get the fuck out

My current character is a female cleric who initially suspects he's talking to someone else and doesn't take kindly to his implications.
>"Excuse me, what have I done wrong to you or your lady? Did someone imply I insulted either of you?"

>"She lost fair and square! Accept it with honor, and don't disgrace her further by being an ungraceful loser!"

I summon celestial dogs, and then flee to the nearby cover of our fighter. This is my bard's response to any threat.

You don't vote for a king!

The ordinance survey map marked this as a public footpath!

A PUBLIC FOOTPATH!

I'm reporting you to the parks and forests commission you big tin bully!

Kiss his fair maiden who is right next to me. She's my fair maiden and he never had a chance outside the arranged marriage done for desperation by her family. Even if I'm also a maiden, if I've stepped on some lord's ego with no repercussions suffered previously I can surely do it again.

"Bob, stun setting please. Let's not kill the liege-lord"

>"Real men have no honor, isn't that right Charles?" (said in a heavy Russian accent)
>Stab myself in the gut with a succubus's dagger (lot of fucking trouble I went through to get that)
>I let Demon King Charlezkibahnn possess me in exchange for a huge blood sacrifice (down to 1 hit point levels of blood sacrifice)
>There will be.
>No.
>Survivors.

Warlocks are the best when people don't minmax the shit out of them.

This post gave me cancer.

KYS :^)

>Old hag with dirty clothes, a large cleaver and foul temper.
>"Since when you have the right to tell me where I can step my foot, you good-for-nothing tin man? Now piss off before I sell your armor to the next blacksmith and turn your horse in dinner!"

Look at those spikey shoes!
How is he supposed to spurr his horse without kicking the poor creatures legs off.
I bet he's not a knight at all, probably a mimic riding a slightly bigger mimic.

Eh, character was supposed to be this innocent, demon worshipping Russian boy. One reincarnate and witnessing a Chaotic Good Ranger kill innocents for the sake of a lie later and that character made no sense anymore.

I'm honestly surprised he survived long enough to get that close.
My party usually goes full cat when they see moving creatures and like a terrier won't stop till it's guaranteeably dead.

I challenge him to honorable combat to first blood, sword on foot. Later we go on a hunt together and laugh at the peasants for being dirty, poor and honorless.

Rolled 17 + 8 (1d20 + 8)

Ok but a spider just crawled into your visor!
i roll for deception

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Norscan Berserkers, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Ostland, and I have over 300,000 confirmed kills. I am trained in Orc warfare and I’m the top Champion of Khorne in the entire Legion of Blood. You are nothing to me but just another skull. I will wipe you the fuck out with wrath the likes of which has never been seen before on this world, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Crystal Ball Network? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of blood conjurers across the frozen wastes and your soul is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, mortal. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, mortal. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred thousand ways, and that’s just with my axe. Not only am I melee combat incarnate, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the War-Given-Form, and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of Bretonnia, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you gods-damned idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, fodder.

I-I beg your pardon, sir knight? That was a routine check-up for your fair maiden's health which I have signed consent for. It's your turn now, would you mind leading me to your estate? I can take care of the staff as well, then.

>"Lamiss! Lamiss, help! I don't speak High Gothic, what's he saying?!"

Five bloody, chainsword-revving minutes later, the young boy wonders if he should've let the knight dismount first. A live horse could've made this long trek to the planetary governor a lot easier, after all.

>Casts Glibness/Suggestion/Generic compulsion spell
You're now a cuckold. Go tell your wife. Also, I like your cape, give it to me, thanks. Also, forget my face when you're done, thanks again.

He will eventually realize it, but it will be too late. And this is why I love playing bards.

I disarm him and bismirch his fuccboi butthole.

"Good sir, I have never sullied a land by boot or blood that did not deserve or require it for the greater good. And never have I sullied a maiden who did not request it, nor have I left one unsullied who did request it!
If you doubt my words or deeds I stand prepared to accept your challenge, provided you are prepared for your skill to be challenged in turn."

Bro I ain't done shit, and I never fucked your girl unless she wanted this dragonborn d, you hear me? Now if you still want to fucking go then I'm ready to fucking go.

"Which lady? The countess? The duchess? The princess? Lady Bergfalk? You have to be specific here."

It's a just political campaign... there's a lot of parties... it just happens. I didn't even intend it to, I swear. It's a running gag at this point that she's the ambASSador.

...

...

>Huh?
>Summon phallic longsword
Yep, it was one of THOSE characters

He isn't even suprised that command fucked up the intelligence of the level of development this world had. The sheer volumes of ineptitude he has had to deal with in his time in the Guard has hardened his heart. He simply sighs, and wonders if he could get away with shooting the local.

>"*Thou hast, *thy footsteps, *my own. If you're going to insist on being an archaic twat, at least follow proper grammar. Now, Have at thee!"

Oh bummer, what is this? Who is this person? Why is he dressed like this? I don't get it, is he into some sort or historical LARP? Maybe he's a cosplayer? What do you think, Horace? Maybe he's dangerous, I mean, he's armed.

>The knight can then notice how the knave in question is talking to a particularly large Komodo dragon.

Oh fuck-nuggets, Masquerade violation! Go for the eyes, Horace, go for the eyes!

...

Run screaming away forever.

Bring your pretty face to my axe!

MY LEGS ARE WIIIIIINGS!

About face and charm person while he's blustering.

"Why my good sir knight i do believe you have mistaken me for some knave. I am Sir Thrace Corvan, knight of the three kingdoms and defender of the relm. In service to Duke Wrex Krowl and with the permission of Your King i did pass through your fine lands in the persuit of my appointed duties. While their i defiled no maidens, fair or otherwise. I do swear it in the presence of my scribe and notery that i have done you and yours no wrong. If after hearing this you decline to recend your slanderous and unproven accusations or assault my person it will be my great pleasure to personally introduce you to the fair earth upon which we stand. Doubt not my oath that your relationship with it, though brief will be swift and memorable to all throught the lands to which i have sworn fealty."

Which is about the nicest way of telling someone "to fuck right off before i beat your ass and tell everyone how you got your ass kicked by a 25 year old sell sword who just got his knighthood."

Mfw I'm a "human" fighter (kitsune in disguise with all nine tails)

FECK OFF YE BANDY LEGGED HOOR, ME ASS IS CLEANER THAN YEE CUNT ENGLISH FACE AND A DAMN BETTER THING TO GAZE AT. YER MUM'S THE VILLAGE SLUT, YER KING'S A CRIPPLE, AN YER DOG IS UGLIER THAN A FECKING RAT. GO AN DIE AND MAKE THE WORLD PRETTIER YE HOWLING WASTE OF GOD GIVEN FLESH.

This, followed by liberal application of blunt force to the head.

Character is pic related.

Bullshit. Druids can't wear metal armor.

i has't sulli'd thy fair maiden. liketh thy many s'rfs; i plow'd those fields yond belongeth to thee. soweth mine own wild oats into f'rtile soil i didst. cometh sir knight of the cuckold table. t's not a secret thy lovely maiden handles sw'rds bett'r than thee.

Underrated

"Now what are you on about? I'm just passing through on a public road."

>character is a good fighter but prefers diplomacy when possible
>has made several powerful allies that way, including a human king and an elf queen of different lands
>doesn't mind bashing a few skulls when necessary using both sword and magic

[stops]
You sure caught me for the crime of walking good sir, bravo on your valiant efforts. However, I'm certain I didn't mean to do that second one, if that was even me at all. Either way, what do you want me to do about it? I have places to be and being accused of being a lady besmircher wasn't on my daily plan.

>Tfw this is all a revolutionarie propaganda attempt

>cool sword
>shiny armor
>delicious horse
Today is gonna be a good day for this murderhobo

Heat metal

>"She happily gave me her honor, sir! And about stopping me I'd have to say - CHEESE IT!"

>"Sir knight, if your fair maiden's honor is so easily besmirched, i suggest getting another fair maiden."

Well allow me to retort: I AM A NAGA. I DO NOT HAVE FEET. Clearly I am not who you believe me to be, and my own honor demands your apology for this unfair accosting.

Diplomacy to make him leave us alone, take 10.

Well how'd you become king then?

"Did I walk into a time machine? When the fuck did we drop into the ren fair?"

Fight probably happens. I jump onto the horse and call in close air support from one of the automated jets.

"I besmirched it about 6 times last night. Get out of my way before I besmirch your asshole too, fuckboy."

>"You lands honor is flimsy material if my mere footsteps can sully it and your maiden I have not heard of, a folly on your part to let such a beauty be cast in shadows."

>blunderbuss
Literally the worse firearm in this situation.

I show him this tapestry and steal his gold, maiden and armor while he's reading.

As a Duelist i throw my Duelling-Glove. If he picks it up, a duel till first, second or third blood... or last blood if he insists.
After that apologize to the now widow for having to kill her husband.

>Fornicate thou.

He looks wealthy. Am just gonna wait 'till the barbarian and the monk murderhobo him to death and take my part of the loot.
Only a few chosen have survived an unprepared encounter with the party so far.

It is an ever-turning wheel, perfect beyond compare.
I stand at its center, as you may come to stand in turn.
It is my will that keeps it spinning. My will that urges time onward through eternity.
Our kind must fight, and through fighting prove the temper of our will.
It is a fight that knows no end.
It repeats upon itself, that all the world may repeat with it. And so the cycle continues, forever and ever and ever..."

U fuken wot, U cheeky cant?

Geddof tha' fukken 'orse and lets 'ave at it like men! Ur R U sum sorta Sodumite wot dunt know proppa boxin'?

If he refuses to get off the horse Kavin will punch the horse and then he will either be off the horse or under it's unconscious body. Either way the knight is going to get a right kicking.

>said wizard is in fact dead
That wouldn't stop a competent wizard sending a message if he thought it was important enough.

For example, if he wanted someone to do something about the birds perching on his gravestone.

>Beg pardon, m'lud, but I didn't mean nuffin by it. I was just sellin' charms and tokens for th'other pilgrims an' she asked me for one, an' I said that any lady pretty as her could take one freely, m'lud, honest as all that
>All that asides, sir, how can you keep us from that chapel on your lands, sir? A man needs his god just as surely as his bread or his water, if he's a king or if he's a sorry villain like me, m'lud

i do a forearm jerk and roll for attack with main weapon

"By land and by sea I will battle with thee, fuck thy mother."

Either ignore and move on, only attacking after being attacked.

Or

Just open up with his bolt pistol. Ain't got time for this shit, especially from a Feudal Worlder who things they're hot shit.

>>Mmm, canned food. 'aven't 'ad that for a while!

>2edgy4me

Pic related is how my character responds

>Iss alright Gerald, he wouldn't a gotten off 'is animal anyway. At least we got some good eats fer tonight

>For example, if he wanted someone to do something about the birds perching on his gravestone.
You always know the wizards' graves in the local cemetary. They're the ones that are always suspiciously pristine and yet littered with horribly mutilated bird corpses that the poor groundskeeper has to sweep up once a week. Can't let the dogs or cats eat them after what happened to Old Blue.

>Good. I was hoping that'd draw you to me. Now strip naked and get in the ritual circle, I have a demon to summon, and we're short one virgin.

>Knight
>Beefcake motherfucker with high social standing
>Well educated, well spoken
>Virgin
user please, even if it were forbidden some woman would have mounted him the moment his stones dropped

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

"What?"

Be more interesting and thematic if you seduced him without making clear ill-intent, like being a witch but posing as an innocent lost peasant girl and tempting the knight to lie with you over the few days or weeks it takes for him to escort you home.

Then in secret you birth a child who by fate will grow up to kill and usurp the knight's name and position. Bonus points if he's actual royalty.

Get off Veeky Forums Morgause.

> I am the Grand Wizard Zaniel Mobious! Greatest arcane spell caster the world has seen in hundreds of years!! I have defeated Atropus, The World Born Dead, Destroyer of World!! I have Slayed Zargon the Returner, Killer of Gods!!
>You should feel honoured that I even visit the land of a lowly knight for I stand on equal footing as the Kings of these land and have rebuilt entire nations!
>now stand aside. I was told by a farm girl that there are some bandits near here and I wish to bring them to justice.

>shoots him in the gut
cyka blyat

Rolled 9 (1d20)

>"thine maiden is but a whore, oh brave knight. Sooo, wanna fuck? "