Ok, you caught us. We made most of the plagues your species has suffered, started most of your people's wars...

Ok, you caught us. We made most of the plagues your species has suffered, started most of your people's wars, and lessened your species original 1000 lifespans. But we did it to mold your species into the galaxy's best warriors and prepare you to be the guardians of all life in the galaxy from an vast swarm of Not!Nids!

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No Thor, you didn't. You just had some fuckers worship you as gods, which is nothing new around here.

Or, you could just engineered us being the galaxy's best warrios without the dangers of years of evolution and even getting wiped out.

>Galaxy's best warriors

>minimal natural weapons
>stupidly weak and fragile compared to similar sized lifeforms on our home planet, even most of the ones most closely related to us taxonomically
>Social history of trade taking precedence over war in most civilizations
> Military technology that's shit tier by galactic standards
>Most thriving cultures in our civilization are grounded in capitalist/multiculturalist globalism and not "MUH WARRIOR'S HONOR"

Ya gone done fucked up, Mr. LMAO

>But we did it to mold your species into the galaxy's best warriors and prepare you to be the guardians of all life in the galaxy from an vast swarm of Not!Nids!

Hah! FAGGOTS get ready to DIEE.

VIGILO CONFIDO

Ambassador Ayy, did you really think it was wise to tell us that you fucked us over to become the galaxy's greatest warriors?

We'll make sure you never meddle with another budding species ever again.

Just imagine what the rest must be like.

let the space fuckening begin!

Yeah, well, you failed.
We want our millennia lifespan back.

On humans being living weapons, I prefer the XSGCOM version of it.

>he thinks natural weapons make a good warrior
Look at this faggot

This. You think that if they want us to be top warriors they would let us keep our 1000 year lifespan so we have centuries of combat experience.

Whichever one of you Xenos thought of this plan needs to go kill yourself and give us back our 1000 year lifespan. I would like to spend centuries exploring the universe.

>not understanding that profits from trade can be used for weapons and that capitalism makes the population more competetive

If you are so very smart, you must have also observed us and our culture. Now tell me, do you know of krorks?

Go home Thor, you're drunk.

>That's some fucking eye candy right there, eh?
How the fuck do people paint like that? My soul hurts now.

If you can do all that then why didn't you just make another swarm of not!nids to eat the first one?

that means you won't bitch anymore about the catgirls?

no they still want them gone.

You have got to explain this bullshit, ambassador ayy or we will have to cease the probing.

>I would like to spend centuries exploring the universe.
You're not losing anything, it's all procedurally generated crap.

>That makes them good warriors hue hue hue xD

B-b-but muh endurance running, muh rocket fuel!

Yeah, but you can guarantee some human, somewhere will gouge out the enemies eyeballs and skullfuck them... then post it to the deceased family on spacebook.
LOOK AT ME MA!
I SHOWED THIS SPACE FAGGOT!

>no man's sky

ZOG OFF! WE DA HUMIES! WE GOT ALL DA TECHNALAGY FROM DA ANTICS!

One. You fucked up making us warriors.
Two. Telling us you did this was one of the ways you fucked up.
Three. If you didn't fuck up the first part then you REALLY fucked up telling us that you've been fucking us up.

Four. Give us your fucking space tech already you cunts. We want to live centuries with catgirls while we still can. We want to try summoning slaanesh with the levels of depravity we will reach before the nids arrive.

>Saliva carries infections
>endurance running
>adrenal means if we don't panic we get stat boosts in combat
>Greatest heroes are mass murderers
>willing to fight to the death for generations over petty shit
>easily manipulated into doing the above.
>able to recover from injuries that put most living things in the dirt
>occasionally violence becomes linked with reproduction or vice-versa to make some of us REALLY into it.

He could have done worse.

They tried. This is like, the sixth bug swarm. We're pretty sure this is how civilizations kill themselves. They engineer bug swarm after bug swarm, with each swarm getting stronger and deciding to eat them after killing off the prior bug swarm.

>the secret pinnacle of warfighting technology is proprietary compact pdw's using kinetic energy

>image

I never realized how much I needed an edit of that with a Chozo saying "when wintertime comes around the metroids simply freeze to death" until now.

Yes, that was indeed the joke. Thanks.

Also most mammalian mega-fauna should get it's thousand year lifespan back since we have the same aging genetics. Also I want my Franz Ferdinand back. That shit was low.

>Saliva carries infections
I propose biting the not!nids as our main strategy.

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

Wow, the rest of the universe must be pretty shit at war.
Now give us back our 1000-year lifespans or I beat you to death.

We can survive severe injuries because we have brains and medical technology, don't act like it's anything more than that.

the guy on the left is like "seriously, what the fuck" and the guy being used as a club is like "I know as much as you"

Compare humans to the other major races in Stargate. Humans are the number 2 warrior race, and the only reason they take the second slot is because the guys in the first slot murdered themselves to pieces.

Pardon me, but that makes no fucking sense, Ambassador L'mao.

Why not just use bug spray?

You didn't say this is happening in a game.

It wasn't edgy was it? ...Damn, it was.

I assume you arn't considering the Asgard because those guys are beast when it comes to warfare, even discounting the power armor raiders that show up in Atlantis
youtube.com/watch?v=cbZq2MPYHoY

This scene always stands out to me as what a truly advanced level of warfare would look like. Some lights flash, there's a horrible ripping scream from the aether, and then, quiet open fields and birds chirping in less time than it takes to pour a glass of milk.

"You misunderstand me. We don't expect you to fight the Npt!Nids with what you think of as weapons. We can outperform you in that domain. The insect swarms die spectacularly when faced with certain sonic resonances which must be repeated and adapted on site. We knew you were ready when you created what you call Metal music."

mfw humanity specializes in space bards : fighting the insect swarms with the power of metal.

Fully erect captain o7
youtube.com/watch?v=fIzUTgtZ9_Q

Nah, ignore the tech. Go by pure biology. You don't engineer a warrior race and then be all 'lawl, our tech is better we'll stick with this thanks'.

The Asgard are physical pushovers. The only real fighting races in Stargate are the Jaffa, which are basically just engineer humans anyway, and those fucking weird proto-Goa-uld things that looked like Swamp People.

>Brutal Legend IN SPACE
>Pic related

And I'm supposed to explain this to the faeries how? You know they're waking up to take their revenge, right?

You have gained my respect, captain lmao. Still a little upset about the whole "80 year lifespan" thing, but I'm sure we can resolve that after we eradicate the Not!Nid plague with THE POWER OF METAL.

You got what you wanted. Now it's time to die for it.

the asgard were absolutely shit at war, terrible tactical thinkers, and relied entirely on their superior tech to do anything. The ancients were even worse.

>truly advanced
And yet that's still medieval to most of the Eschaton's civilizations.
>What's that? They still use beams that physically destroy things? How quaint!

Aren't WE starting to do that? Bio-engineered counter-mosquitos and shit?

motherfuckin africanized bee

I'm pretty sure we're still at the insecticide and laser stage.

We're gonna weaponize capitalism. We're gonna just drop it on enemy planets and watch them kill each other and run their worlds to the ground.

>"This is a living transmission from my home planet in the galaxy of Ida."
>shows up not two hours later
>Goa'uld can't get out of the Milky Way with their hyperdrive tech
>ZPM-enhanced Earth ships still take three days to cross over to another galaxy
>Atlantis itself, crown jewel of the Ancients, when fully-powered, is a day or two

Asgard ships are fast. Unbelievably fucking fast.

The Ancients weren't fighters. They ran away from the Ori because they didn't want to, they just wanted to do science and not get bothered by anybody. Most of their technology is weird application stuff. Their deadly drone weapons everybody shits themselves over? Basically TNT with phasing tech and an engine strapped to it on an advanced scale.

you succeeded spectacularly:

Don't they use stargate technology to travel between galaxies?

You can't fit a ship through a stargate, m8.
Asgards had crazy FTL, that's all.
They definitely could and did use the gate network too, though. No energy problem on their side.

In the episode, they speak with Thor, and as the passage of time proceeds to the end of the episode (can't be more than two hours later with events unfolding as they do), he shows up in his personal warship to wipe out the Goa'uld.

They also on several occasions demonstrate immense speed, such as Thor towing an Earth ship (Prometheus) for about a day, and Carter even says that she's seen them cross galaxies in minutes.

Asgard ships are the fastest around, bar none. In that I think it can be safely said that they surpassed even the Ancients. A fifty thousand year old mothballed Asgard cruiser was in one of the novels capable of going between Milky Way and Pegasus in 50 hours, when it takes Daedalus eighteen days or 3 days with a ZPM. While towing another ship, which massively decreased their speed, they could do 1500 light-years in half a second. Carter mentions seeing the Asgard ships cross galaxies in minutes.

But yes, they can and do also use Stargates if they don't have ships available to spare at the time. Which they can also use intergalactically, because they can power the gate to that level at will.

Replicators are faster. They kicked a Goa'uld drive up from its maximum speed of 125 years to reach the Milky Way to covering the same distance in under an hour, which, based on the numbers in the episode, is over thirty-four billion times the speed of light. Replicators can cross the observable universe in eighteen years.

It's cool, I could have done the same for funsies.

Medieval art is weird.

>You can't fit a ship through a stargate
... do you want to be the one to tell him?

and you haven't seen their illustrated guide to copulation for the purpose of procreation

They might be stronger, but we are crazier.