ITT: Post your group's in jokes

>Burning 'puppies'.
The wizard defended himself from some wolves using fire (he loved fire) and another player couldn't make the game that week, so I brought her up to speed by text. I joked that the wizard had set some puppies on fire and she took it at face value, probably because the wizard was the wizard.
>Thrown weapons
I don't think I've ever seen as many objects go flying in a single campaign as I did last campaign. Warhammers, knives, ye olde grenades, ye olde magical grenades, the king...
>Property damage
And lots of it, mostly arson by way of the wizard. Casualties of the party's existence included the city barracks, a wine cellar, a warehouse, ye olde old apartment complex, an inn...

>Paul Walker
Originally a PCs "archangel" cause I allowed them to make up their own backstory religions. He died recently at the time and I hoenstly didnt know much about him aside from the obvious. I rp'd him as a really cool and genuine guy and the party fell in love with him. The NPC is now present in every setting I run and is a permanent trustworthy ally.

>Pulling an Anthony
Commonly jokes to be "my best AND worst" player, who learned and broke all of 3.P after taking a single level in cleric and never looking back. He is responsible for me banning all magics and any comparables in every setting since he taught my other players how to think like he does. Usually his great feats are just to do something randumb

>"Throughout THE STARS!!!"
What happens when the Rogue Trader plays like a Bard. A joke for any flamboyent or "reputation seeking" character

>"A totally normal man"
Something SHOULD be false about a character, but they actually are what they say. Started when my party started saying I'm an alchemist/wizard/ranger/gunslinger hybrid when unbeknowst to them Im just a totally normal Human Commoner

>The Weekly Perception
The group's fighter will crit a perception check at least once a week. This has been going on for 4 months. It also tends to be for something completely useless.

>"God DAMMIT RUMGRIM"
- Group

>"I had to try"
-Rumgrim

> Magical realm
Very different from Veeky Forums's definition of the term, "magical realm" is a situation specifically catered to one of the player's tastes and character. For example, when I'm playing a knight, a tourney with jousting would be my magical realm.

>Paul Walker
Double dubs confirm.
Seriously, though, I'll have to use that. He sounds like the sort of guy who you can just look at and unironically say 'This guy is completely trustworthy.'

>Party signs up with expedition
>Tell them that the expedition leader and main investor is called Griffin
>Since he was introduced near the end of a session, they couldn't memorize his name, so for some reason, one of them calls him Rupert
>It becomes an in joke to keep calling him Rupert
It was a few sessions before I told them that the name I had long before written on the charactersheet of the Expedition's quartermaster, the guy who I'd always just refer to as "the Quartermaster" was in fact Rupert.

Since then, "The Rupert" became basically "That Guy"

"Remember the Owlmo!"

Our group came across an Owlbear. The barbarian wanted to keep it as a pet, but the beast wanted to kill us all. Our rogue killed it, despite the barbarian's demands we only knock it out. He named it Owlmo, and gave him a proper burial. Now whenever he enters battle, he screams "Remember the Owlmo!"

We shout it a lot randomly too.

"This isn't Skyrim, Jared!"

I've been playing a bi weekly game for the past 2 months, and aside from the DM I'm the only person who's played before. Everyone else isn't really your typical tabletop gamer, just typical mainstream geeky stuff.

Anyway, Jared keeps on confusing lore and everything is Skyrim to him, so he constantly brings up Draugr and dragonborn and whatnot and it's just gotten to the point where whenever he makes any suggestions out-of-character we all yell at him.

"Please refer to the diagram: I am now as strong as a level 2 bear."

Another guy in the party is playing as a heavy and he's drawn so many terrible diagrams on his stat sheets to let him get away with ripping things apart or intimidating NPC's.

It has to be midnight because I smell bacon.

Our fighter fell into an obvious trap and slept with twins who turned out to be doppelgangers.

"We wouldn't be in this situation if Belleg wasn't a Dopplebanger"

"Is the Dopplebanger going to be joining us tonight?"

The apartment of our group's That Guy, Mike, is the Deep Umbra. You know something's wrong with a place when you can smell it on a guy outside the house, and you know it's even worse when the apartment contained something known as the Black Milk. His kitchen is entirely covered in a thin layer of grease and has dishes stacked a foot out of the sink.
Five-dimensional super AIDS. One of our players (a very intense raver with a weird private life) supposedly has it, and it's the cause of all weakness, sickness, death and misery in all living beings across all possible timelines and diensions for all eternity.Another guy has True Herpes, which isn't defined besides that it's a 2-point Merit in Vampire.
Bob and the Frog were two characters in a very wonky Vampire one-shot that went off the rails before character creation. They were a blond Nagaraja in a white trench coat who looked like a JRPG villain, and a Nosferatu who was basically a tumorous Murloc. They had a Pinky and the Brain-like dynamic and ended up ghouling a whole city block through vague rule shenanigans, and after that the game was wisely cut off.
The Blue Opel is a leftover from a Vampire game (we were pretty one-track back then) where the characters shot up a whole ghetto apartment full of neo-Christian cultists led by a Samedi, rescuing only the kids (by throwing them out of a window), crammed them into their blue '95 Opel Astra and sold them on to different vampires in the city. And then they asked if they could gain Humanity.
There's also the thing with the bugbear ass pirate. We were getting drunk and playing FATAL, and one guy gives up on manual character creation and goes full random generation. He ends up with a zoophilic bugbear pirate, which he then proceeds to play to the hilt while nearly crying out of shame.
The Were-Die is a red d10 with green dots, and it seems to have a mind of its own. It rolls well when you don't need it and turns up 1 or 2 below the threshold when you do.

>We need to seduce the guard, WIZARD! Remove your beard.

>Kill that guy and take his sandwich, it will be a good final boss.

>Quick everyone piss on the floor, we can escape through it.

>Why is the Cleric stealing all the shit, and the rouge offering help?

>We'll name this goblin Munchy, just in case we run out of food in the desert.

>OH GOD MUNCHY YOUR HURT. MY BABY

>Do you think the boss is tired of getting a box full of dismembered body parts?

>Artemis Paladin the Cleric

Same campaign

Our necromancer kept half a zombie alive at all times. "Halvsy" became our comic relief

>half a zombie alive
>half a zombie
>half
what

Okay, yeah my wording was weird.

The zombie was animated but was only a torso, arms, and a head

In a mutants and masterminds campaign I'm running, one of the heroes chose to be Coca Cola themed. So I decided to include Pepsi Man as a rival for him. Pepsi Man started showing up all over the place, and generally illegally. As a taxi driver with a car the villains previously stole, a bartender in a bar that the PCs were drinking in, etc. Always in full costume, too.

This reminds me. I really need to put Thing into one of my campaigns soon.

THERE'S MONSTERS IN THE SCHOOL, TOM

The Rotating Setite. I was describing a Setite ancilla's bite attack on a character, and after that I realized physics would make him rotate. He rotated six health levels out of a Toreador elder.
Xochipilli Too-Dumb-To-Live, the were-coyote who somehow lived anyway. Our That Guy was the player, but he does well when he can just fuck around and drive rocket-powered bicycles (made by the group's Twitcher - it was not a serious game) into Pentex revolving doors.
When characters die, their character sheets are burnt in a kettle out on our That Guy's balcony while everyone sings the Imperial March. It was originally intended to be the Funeral March, but everyone got it wrong in the same way at the same time.
Too many things to list from a single drunken Demon game. The min-maxed Appearance 11 Defiler went into a classroom in a nurse outfit, and with the help of the Slayer, it ended up involving the "kindest substitute teacher in the world" and some things that are far too edgy to mention. Everyone wants to kill Sausalito, everyone's gay for Rocco, sex with a Redcap is resolved like combat, no one can agree if what they stole was a chandelier or a ceiling fan and getting 11 successes on a stealth roll lets you penetrate someone unnoticed. One guy's next two characters got an extra Torment point because of a joke he made involving Marilyn Monroe's corpse and too many Lores.
Here the really old ones begin.
The Malkavian is not allowed to take dots in Occult without explicit Storyteller approval. This happened after a new player misunderstood Occult and asked another character if he could "perform some rituals on his partner".
No one's battle cry is allowed to be "For Agrabah". One player went ballistic at one point and rattled off "And then I take off my T-shirt revealing a bomb belt underneath and blow up the whole concert house while screaming "For Agrabah" uncannily quickly. The character wasn't even Middle Eastern, but just a Ravnos who looked like Justin Bieber.

got a couple to bump with

When entering the room to start a session, I would get "Bugler's Dream" stuck in my head and would repeat it out loud like it were the olympics or a dog show. It eventually became the themesong of the campaign, with the players banging the table and chanting like the castle guards in the Wizard of Oz.

The players once fought a chest-high billy goat that broke loose from a desert caravan. In respect for the goat after defeating it, they wanted to know if it had a name OOC. My reply, saying it was "just a boss goat", led to them honoring him as Bosco the Boss Goat. They name all unaligned animals they kill now.

Upon first encountering one of the main antagonists, a sphinx, a player asked where her tits were located. This made the game stop immediately as everyone started arguing about fantasy creature boobs. The argument begins again whenever said sphinx is mentioned.

During an investigation in a hospital, one player jokingly asked what the newborn babies in the viewing room were since he was only like 60 XP from leveling up. After I threw out 5 as a number, he began to seriously consider killing a dozen infants in order to level. We bring it up sometimes when talking about game and story.

For some reason, no matter who's GMing, if there is ever an inn or a housekeeper for some noble twat, the maids are always mexican stereotypes. I'm perfectly at peace with this.

The DMPC is named Steve.
The DMPC is *always* named Steve.
No matter what game the DM's running, no matter what universe it's set in, it's always *the same* Steve.

The DM is named Eric. None of us know anyone named Steve.

I always have the Merchant from Resident Evil 4 show up to sell the PC's powerful items.

My old group consisted of two experienced players and three inexperienced min/maxers. After some adventure, we ended up with a lot of gold to spend. We were in a small town and entered a general store. The min/maxers immediately asked for magical items.

"Hmm. Can I buy a +3 enchanted longsword?"
"No. It's a general store, think rope and tents."
"Hmm. Can I buy Mithril armor?"
"No. It's a general store, there's no weapons or armor of any kind."
"Hmm. How much for a trained Griffin mount?"

This went on for 20 minutes and the GM ended the game early. For the longest time afterwards, every time we entered a store, no matter the game setting or level of the party, we always asked for random magical items that we knew they didn't sell there.

I once had a random house in a town be inhabited by four skeletons. They talked in loud Manhattan accents and were painfully stupid. A player blew almost all of his money to hire and equip them. Later during an encounter, three of the skeletons got caught in a moonbeam during a building collapse. The player who hired them ran straight into the spell to save them (despite being weak to radiant damage) but could only grab two. The remaining skeleton's last words, "HEY KID, I'M GONNA DIE NOW", gets used during close calls. Those skeletons are quoted a lot in general.

Whenever a player explicitly mentions stats and such in-character, they immediately get swarmed by everyone else sarcastically going "How does your character know that, huh?" or plainly "STOP METAGAMING".

One NPC they met was a celebrity artificer named Palcio Arino. An exotic name to them, they always gave him the Benedict Cumberbatch treatment when referring to him in-game. People always understand who they're referring to regardless. Some players have also been tricking strangers IRL into believing that Palcio Arino is a real person they know, or that I'm him.

Another NPC they met was a hilariously corrupt slugfolk, Razansari-ansari. While making a transparent attempt to schmooze them, he says to one of them in this poor eastern-european accent "You, are a veerry important person". They now use it in both sincere and deceptive tones.

During our first session, things got bad and half the party was holed up in a desolate saloon while a gnoll leader outside demanded to take them as prisoners. One player grabbed a bottle, held it up and claiming it was potion of cloudkill and that it would kill everyone nearby if he dropped it. He rolled a 1 on bluffing, so she threw a dagger into his wrist that was holding it. Potions of cloudkill are like the vaporware version of snake oil to us.

> *Pours a broken sunrod onto a spider web*

>"I run towards the mob and jump over the line."
>You land on swords

>OLD PEOPLE MUST BURN FOR THEIR SINS

>I cast fireball on the wooden support beams.
>I cast fireball in general.

Somehow our group's theme song became "It's Hip to Fuck Bees"

I have no idea how this happened but there it is

Welp you asked for it.

Gather round pilgrims, and hear the tale of the 3 Garys.

Gary #1 I met while attending Community College. I thought taking some summer courses would help and since I was back in town for the summer, I signed up for some computer classes. I live in San Antonio and we have one particular college called San Antonio College or SAC. SAC's entire student body is seemingly composed of High School dropouts and social rejects. We had one weirdo in my Programming class who was asked to leave because he had furry porn as his desktop wallpaper. Proudly displayed in the middle of class. This guy was not Gary.

Gary was in his late 30's and had been attending SAC for about 10 years. Somehow. He eve kind of looked like the OP pic, except balder.

I met Gary in the student center. I was hanging with some friends of mine whom I hadn't seen in 3 months. We started talking about starting up a Deadlands campaign while I was back in town. Gary. who happened to be sitting a few tables down playing some magic, overheard and butted in. He turned out to be quite knowledgable about RPGs and knew of Deadlands though he hadn't played it himself. We were short of players, so I decided why not give Gary a chance. BIG MISTAKE.

Gary, as it turned out was utterly obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh. Basically he wanted to play Seto Kaiba. To this end, he tried to take BOTH the Huxter and Mad Science arcane backgrounds. The entire session degenerated into a long argument. First Gary tried to boss the DM around ,then he tried guilting me into letting him play this abomination. Finally we calmed him down and he agreed to play a more traditional character, but spent most of the campaign sulking.

"We could always go to the Cayman Islands" for when we spend a long time doing absolutely nothing relevant to the story.

All from that wonderful session spent travelling to the Cayman Islands to beat up a random guy in a bathrobe.

Ah. Your group has been blessed by the Bee God as well. Did you know that all giants are deathly afraid of bees?

>dabbing
>your eyes fall out of your sockets
>anything fetus-related in regards to our half-elf ninja
>ROCK COCK

His real "that guy" moments actually occurred at the game table. He once showed up at the student center wearing a Child's Yu-Gi-Oh costume that he'd somehow squeezed into. The wig was too big for his head so he messily patched it with hot glue and felt. He proceeded to march around the student center challenging people to "duels" and demanding to be called "Seto Kaiba." We dubbed him "Fatso cholesterol."

I left to return for Fall semester. As it turned out, Gary #1 was a self-correcting problem. He was expelled that fall for stalking a girl. Read, he followed her around campus from sunup to sundown staring at her until she freaked and called campus security on his ass. I never saw him again.

Gary #2

I met Gary #2 after I graduated and moved back to my hometown for work. I was down to just me and 2 other old group members. So we joined a new RPG group through Meetup.com. We met the new players and their long-time DM Gary #2. He was even bigger than Gary #1 and in his early 50's. Gary #2 was basically pic related. He was an obnoxious know-it all, veteran of AD&D who treated changing game systems like converting to a new religion. To him 3.5 was God and all other systems were inferior.

As irritating as Gary was, he was the only one who was willing to do DM prep for a weekly game, so we soldiered on for a while. Then the dragon bullshit started. Suddenly, the primary antagonist for EVERY SINGLE encounter was a dragon. Furthermore, they got increasingly bullshitty with their tactics. The Dm kept ignoring our tactics or just declaring that the dragons would win or get away by DM Fiat.

Also, if ANYONE played an Elf or Half-elf, Gary #2 would single out their PC and pick on them relentlessly. Our elf rogue found himself targeted by a nearly endless barrage of ranged sneak attacks, tumbling barbarians and save or die spells.

We use "dwarfing" as a substitute for "gypping", after a Curse of Strahd game where our GM jokingly insisted that we not call the Vastani gypsies or make racist remarks.

>"What, this sword is only worth 10 gold? I payed 100!"

>"That smith totally dwarfed us!"

It works.

The last straw for Gary #2 was when the Sun apparently moved clear across the sky in the space of a single combat round so two dragons could both hide in it. After that we told him to take a hike and started up a Shadowrun 4th edition game that ran for about 2 years.

Finally, that brings us to Gary #3.

Gary #3's tenure was mercifully brief. After we had regailed the new group members with tales of Gary #1 and dealt with Gary #2's bullshit we agreed to dispense with the Geek Social Fallacies. If anyone was making us uncomfortable, we would tell them to their face. If someone was being a Gary they would be told to take a hike.

About this time, we lost a couple of players to work life and the Shadowrun game petered out. So we decided to try recruiting some new players. We posted a meetup on our larger RPG group website to run a Pathfinder adventure path and got a few hits. 2 people actually showed up. One of whom is still gaming with us today, the other was Gary #3.

I forget exactly which adventure we were running, but the climax involved a fight against an evil priestess. We defeat her skeleton minions and resolve to bring her back to the Prince alive. Gary #3 takes this as an invitation.

Gary #3 with a huge grin on his face, proceeds to describe in graphic detail how he intends to bend the priestess over the altar and rape her. He then pantomimes forcing her head into his crotch and says. "Suck it bitch."

Our DM reaches across the table, grabs Gary #3's character sheet. Rips it in half and says "Get. The. Fuck. Out." Periods for emphasis.

Gary #3's smile fades and he sheepishly gathers his dice and leaves without saying a word.

Thus, "Gary" came to mean "a creepy maladjusted weirdo" in my group.

Almost like the whole thread was meant to produce a queue for you to copy paste your story.

Holy shit. OP.

I've noticed this phenomenon to. What is it about naming an infant "Gary" that condemns them to grow up a socially maladjusted manchild?

Is it the parents? Is it bad genetics? What the fuck is going on?

I liked it

Ooooohhhhh boy
>Around the time that the first hobbit movie came out the players used "There's worms in his... tubes" as an excuse to smuggle someone into a town. '(Blank) in his/my/their tubes' became a running gag and I broke down once laughing and couldn't GM for fifteen minutes due to not being able to breath.
>"I propose to the mummy pharoh!"
>Breaks down door "PALADINS BITCH!"
>Bottled Tarrasque.

>"Wolfpaw!"
-One Group Member

"Wolfpaw!"
-Whole Group

Our group was obsessed with the town of Wolfpaw.

>Bottled Tarrasque

Well that just sounds wonderful.

Gary Gygax

In my group, doing something incredibly stupid is known as "Hugging the Phylactory", when a plater, upon passing the will save to not run away in horror, and after cutting himself just barely touching it, proceeded to lean in, hug the giant obsidian skull, and whisper "Tell me your secrets".

It's secret was "Power Word: Kill". This instantly killed two characters then and there, the Lich broke free, and the party almost had to abandon their fancy airship if the maghi-tech Cyborg didn't have will out the ass and negotiated praising the Lich like a god if he would fuck off.

>Bottled Tarrasque.
Is that like a variation of the bottled troll?

>Bottled Tarrasque
This is why we can't have nice things.

As for myself, my group enjoys exercising overt racism and sexism in Pathfinder.

Gary Oak was here. Ash is a loser!

Did one of your group go on to write Rat Queens?

When a player is about to do something we all know is a bad idea, one person will shout "FOR SCIENCE!"
"Never go on a boat"
and whenever someone doesn't make it, we blame them when things go wrong.

Odd, it deleted my pic

>Our DM reaches across the table, grabs Gary #3's character sheet. Rips it in half and says "Get. The. Fuck. Out." Periods for emphasis.
I'm not trying to be a devils advocate, but that's pretty cringy. Not quite as trying to rape a priestess, but still.

Gaaaaary

It was the very first time I had every DMed and we played 3.0 D&D. Skip past everything to the tarrasque. The players were setting up an astral gate with the largest Wizard's gate on the planet. The players have murderhobo'd their way to level twenty and were leaving their mark on the world. By establishing this Gate they would be able to strengthen two kingdoms who were facing a tyrannical empire. Something goes wrong with the gate opening spell on the player's side though, a mage had a heart attack mid ritual and threw off the whole thing causing not a gate to be formed but a grey and winged tarrasque to be pulled from somewhere else in existence.
>>"I cast Magic Jar."
Says the Gnome Wizard.
>"Well what's the saving throw on the spell?"
>>"Magic Jar doesn't have a saving throw."
>You'reshittingme.jpg
>it didn't have a saving throw, and the tarrasque was only immune to elemental damage and ray/beams and the like.
>"y-you jar the tarrasque and the Jar appears at your feet." I say defeated.
>>>The rogue runs over at full speed grabs the jar use a magic item to help him teleport away and disappears.
The ranger, paladin, and wizard all look at each other dumbfounded and the solid session ends going into a VERY different epilogue.
>100 years later the party all meets again at the behest of a summons from a noble.
>They are led into a trophy room with head of fine game and many well stocked shelves of curios and interesting things
>and a bottled tarrasque.
>the elderly half elven rogue enters the room half senile talking about the good old days while the gnome wizard now Arch-Wizard, the Elven Ranger now priestess of Elohna, and Dwarven Paladin look on in shock as the rogue trips and tips over the tarrasque bottle shelf and dies on impact from the fall.
>The wizard hadn't brought a Jar today for the first day in nigh a hundred years.
>Epilogue end.

Cheap droids, Cheap guns, cheap weapons.

This unholy mantra was the watchwords for a scavenger wookie with a total lack of social awareness. After a pitched gun battle and a hectic flurry of medical tests we finally managed to stabalize a wounded dude, he lost both his legs but as his blurry eyes looked up the wookie callously shoved the medical droid aside. Gazed into them and without a single second of hesitation asks, "Where can I get cheap guns, cheap droids and cheap weapons??"

And thus the legend was born. Or at least pandora's box was unsealed.

We don't have too much that would be entertaining, except for the jokes that ultimately resulted in both this image and the word 'Henryk' as a verb to mean 'Trivialize an encounter via direct attacking without strategy'

Any other highlights from this hairy fellow?

The campaign, no matter if it's a one-shot or a multi-month affair, always begins with a dead hooker.

>>>/reddit/

>Yfw you discover you can reveal your power level in your group

Imagine being a stereotypical BBEG in that setting though.

>Spend literally decades preparing your master plan
>Since you were a child, you heard whispers in your ears, telling you the world must be destroyed
>You've dedicated your entire life to learning the dark powers, making horrid deals with devils and demons, suffering greatly all the way, but knowing what you want to do must be done, because this world is putrid, humans are corrupt, and the world must be cleansed
>Finally set in motion your plans
>Your evil horde begins sweeping the first kingdom
>You march victoriously into the noble's castle upon a successful siege, to execute him personally
>To entertain yourself, you ask him about his greedy collection
>Learn that there was a very angry Tarrasque bottled up in a simple jar right here in this random castle for a century, and you could've done away with your lifetime worth of preparation if you just came to this castle and pushed it off its display

How would you feel?

I can see it as an appropriate response. This is a touchy subject for some people, and rightfully so.

"for all i know it was a midget and not a child."

character i play in my dnd 3.5 game unknowingly and unintentionally kicked a goblin 9 y.o. to death.

Zero-to-one hundred Alan
Accidental Genocide
Hail Caesar!!

Gary? For us, it's Stan.

Stan is almost 300 lbs.

Stan has black hair that glistens in the light and looks as if it is held to his head with paste.

Stan has yellow and white head acne so bad that at least once an hour a pimple will just burst, either squirting on something next to him, or just dribbling down his face.

Stan has one eye that just looks at random shit all the time.

Stan breathes heavy while paging through books.

Stan's skin is slightly gray, this probably has something to do with when he scratched his arm, he left behind little rolled black things.

Stan has BROWN teeth that are blackish gray here and there.

Stan has a zit encrusted nose that usually has one finger in there. He often keeps his hand under the table or out of sight until he thinks you are not looking, and then his finger goes in his mouth.

Stan played AD&D, the old 2E stuff.

Stan was friends with the FLGS owner (who was also a loser) and so he got invited all the time into games by the owner, not the GM's.

I had just gotten back to the States and had met a group at the LFGS and was running Ravenloft. Ravenloft involves a lot of indepth descriptions, Ravenloft punishes dipshits and assholes right in the rules. Ravenloft is a slow story buildup, with a payoff that is often the choice between two wrong choices.

Ravenloft is fun in the same way that being lost out in the woods and telling ghost stories to each other is fun.

Now, Stan has never played Ravenloft before, but is the LFGS owner's friend. This was before I learned how big a loser the owner was. The owner wanted to play in my game, since he'd hired some half-retarded 16 year old to run the store while he sat around and got fatter. I was told I wouldn't have to pay for tables, that if I needed something to talk to him, all that shit.

So, Stan sits at the table.

Missy moves 2 chairs away and retched.

So, Stan hands me his character sheet...

Oh goody, a 7th level Anti-Paladin with all kinds of shit.

Me: Fuck no. The rest of the group is 3rd level, and hell no.
Him: I played in his (points at the LFGS owner) game all the time with him.
Me: You'll lose him in 20 minutes, man, so no. Good characters only, and I strongly suggest human only.

So, despite my urging, Stan rolls up....

DUM DUM DUM!

A fucking 1/2E fighter/mage/cleric.

Me: Are your ears pointed?
Him: (snorting gasping laughter) Yes, duh.

So, the group's in a village, healing up from having a pair of ghouls ambush them in the forest and tear them new assholes. The half-elf comes wandering into the tavern/inn/old dude's house, sits down, motions the barmaid over, and then pushes back his hood.

INSTANT MADHOUSE!

"VAMPIRE! GET HIM!" cry out the townspeople, upon seeing his pointy ears, pale skin, and other elven attributes.

"They're just 0-Level Humans..." Snorts Stan, who cuts loose with.... Flaming Hands.

Well, one of the waitresses throws the garlic stew on him, someone else gets a bag over his head, and INTO THE RIVER HE GOES after being beaten with hoes and rakes and axes and sledgehammers and splitting mauls.

The rest of the group is laughing their asses off.

"BUT HE'S AN ELF!" Stan yells, pointing at another player.

"Yeah, but we docked my ears after that happened and I ended up running into the woods and almost getting sodomized by a werewolf." That player says.

"YOU'RE ALL JUST PICKING ON ME!" screams Stan.

Who promptly bursts into blubbery tears and has several zits explode all over his character sheet. Missy almost barfs, and you will NEVER guess what fucking Stan did next.

He ran out of the gaming shop crying. An hour later his fucking MOTHER showed up to try and berate us for picking on her son. That's right, he went home and TOLD HIS FUCKING MOTHER ON US!

Stan was the bane of my games for almost 2 more years.

Fatback the FLGS Owner is another horror story.

All, hail Stan!

All hail, Stan!

youtube.com/watch?v=Pu-yc9XrM00

"surface!"
we were playing 2e and there was this monster turtle we were fighting and the cleric used command on it and instead of making it attack itself, kill itself, or anything else that would be useful he commanded it to "surface". so it did. the turtle crawled out and surfaced out of its shell and then we killed it. so fucking stupid but funny at the same time

we like to reference my ill-fated excursion into an opera house where i, the ratkin and the halfling got a large trenchcoat and sat on eachothers shoulders so we could get into the theatre and seduce the guard captain who had in his possession a sentient helmet. we managed to seduce him though what we were doing was he was he was whispering me what to say in order to seduce the guard captain. the first time he did it, it worked but the second time the guard captain took notice and was seduced by the halfling whos shoulders i was sitting on. so the guard captain took us back to his house and we tied him down with balsa wood rope (???) we left our weapons upstairs as we planned to kill the guard captain, but, in my getting greedy and being evil, i gouged his eyes out with my claws. what i failed to remember was that i was a level 1 unchained rogue with only 9 str and that the captain was a level 5 monkbarian who raged and punched me across the room. i tried to flee the premises but as luck would have it the halfling heard the commotion and had his towershield out and i ran into it and fell down the stairs and was immediately arrested by the town guard. i later escaped prison and from there on out we would ocassionally make references to the guard captain incident

nice SA pasta

God, I'm glad I'm not in your group.

How does it feel to be wrong?

>STATISTICS! ARE! BUUUUUULLLSHIT!
Anytime someone goes "Realistically, I should succeed/win" on a dice roll.
>Jim the Janitor
Back in 40k 5e, I would bring the Doom of Malan'tai to almost all of my games, as he was my favorite unit. We made the joke that the reason he showed up everywhere was because he was secretly the much beloved janitor of all my friend's armies. His disguise was a simple grey mustache, a hat, and a broom. The only one to see through his disguise was Bjorn the Fell Handed, ensuring wacky hijinks whenever they run into each other.

Oh and I almost forgot.
>Garret the Evil Ex-Paladin
A friend of mine played the most morally straight, lawful good Paladin in existence. In every campaign since, our characters will make reference to the dark reign of Garret, the Evil Ex-Paladin. Anytime someone says his name and title, someone else is required to say "God, what a dick"

every one of those has context to not only make it logical, but AWESOME

What exactly is "The Black Milk"

It was once milk.
It went on the floor and was allowed to stay there for quite a while, and then it became black.
It's almost unpleasantly simple.

How long is "quite a while"

>Southern Wood Elves

A particularly large family of elves gave up on being high and mighty in favor of farming and working the soil. They're all delightfully cheerful, sometimes socially inept, banjo playing folk. They travel the world selling fruits (mostly peaches and apples), and almost always are willing to help the party. As a result, they are in every campaign I run. If one goes with the party, they are always either a barbarian, druid, or once, a wizard with a thick southern accent who wore overalls in place of robes and used a pitchfork instead of a staff.

>Karl move
Doing something needlessly reckless and stupid, however you narrowly escape punishment by sheer luck.
Ex. Insulting/assaulting someone who is trying to help your or has done nothing to you, charging headfirst into a boss, etc.

except for the normal celebrity sleeping around stuff when he was married, yes, he seemed very trustworthy.

And for all I know, he and his wife had an arrangement which would have made that not cheating and all a-ok, so maybe that was trustworthy too.

The Black Milk was a solid.
I really think we're talking two months here - that's the span of time I remember being mentioned.
And then there's the (opened) milkshake that another group member had in the fridge for a year.

>"fuck it, I ram my meteor into the dwarf."

>Roll For Gay
When someone does something ambigiously homoerotic they have to roll a d100 for their gayness. It's especially funny because our resident gay guy always nails those rolls with 80+.

>Whiterun
Literally just the mention of it makes people laugh their asses off. A PC heard from a scout that strangers are approaching his fortress. He then proceeded to burn down his own place so the strangers / enemy couldn't have it. The strangers were, infact, 2 PCs that were to be introduced to the story.

Yeah I'd have given him a, "Yo, that's not how we roll here, do that again and you're out." warning personally. Its not HIS fault you guys had shitty players.

Oh so you picked on a guy who wanted to play a half elf, which is FINE in 99% of Ravenloft games.

Good job being a bully I guess.

I gamed with a group for about two years that consisted of a few people, one of which i became friends with and still play with today. two of them were men in their mid thirties who weighed around 4-5 hundred pounds a piece. these two would argue at the top of their lungs about EVERYTHING with each other. no matter what it was, even if they both agreed on the subject, one of them had to play devil's advocate and have a fight. lacking any form of imagination, they could only play games exactly as the rules described, no matter how stupid and nonsensical it was. One of them even commented that players don't have the right to adjust rules in a RPG because the designers made the game to always function as intended. and that it didn't matter if it made the game more playable, or made more sense, it's not how the game was intended to be played.

eventually, every time one of these issues would come up, I would make the Futurama quote "Well, you're technically correct, which is the best kind of correct." this would infuriate them to no end. it's still a joke in our group today.

Jeff Bridgebeard.
A dwarven play actor npc with an elaborate beard, with braids from his hair tied to the end of his beard lifting it up so it is perfectly horizontal and looks like a suspension bridge.

GARY!

Our group has a similar in-joke with Beard.
Beard is an old man whose beard in some way forms a perfect vertical circle in front of his face. It's never explained how he sees, eats, breathes, speaks or drinks.
Christ, that's a fucking long time ago.

"Everything's fine forever."

Once upon a time I was running Warhammer Fantasy and there was an obvious trap. An OBVIOUS trap. And my party rolled to detect traps; the roguey-guy got a 99, the elf got a 97, the mage got a 96, the knight got a 99, and I just go, "Man, okay, everything's fine. Forever."

then the swashbuckler remembered his turn and goes, "Okay!" and charged in.

From then on whenever anyone fails on a investigate or perception check the GM goes, "Everything's fine. FOREVER." as ominously as possible.

Why did I read this in Zapp Branigand voice?