DM session due in 4 hours and I haven't wrote a single word, drawn a map or created any NPCs

Wing it you pussy

yes. We already played 2 sessions.

>5 minutes before session time

>I can bullshit story-lines really well I know dick about item placement. Like if someone says "what's on the table?" I have no fucking idea what to say if I haven't planned it before.

For real? Just make some stuff up. A fancy metal bottle (full of liquid), a pair of white leather gloves with dragons embroidered around the cuffs, a silver tray with some dried flowers in it, and a jade ring covered in blood.

There, I just made up some shit that's on a table somewhere. Bottle could be full of wine, healing potion, or maybe a dangerous ooze. White leather gloves could either belong to a noble who desires their return, or maybe they're magical Gloves of True Aiming. Go nuts.

Just try to hammer out the broad details. Don't sweat telling them what's the name of every single bottle of wine is labeled as.
Don't say "There are 6 pages of parchment, an inkwell with a broken quill sticking in it and a half finished cup of mead"
Just say "office stuff".

Ok, is there anything plot critical going on right now?
What is the set up you need help with?

Anytime I have trouble coming up with shit I just go and grab a couple of rooms from different rpg's like Morrowind baulders gate Icewind dale

So their guide in session 1 was captured by some bandits. They decided to help him out and tried to sneak into the bandit camp but a series of very unfortunate rolls and terrible decision making made them captives of that bandit camp that wants to utilize as slaves. We ended the last session while they were getting closer to work out a feasible escape plan.

Is the escape plan feasible or is it doomed to fail at the mo'?

well they're not even close to actually escaping since they don't have anything on them outside of a jacket and some goggles.

Give them some obvious break out clues of several ways how to escape, let the die do the action, just go with the flow of the players. Just think about what they have to escape to, and why there.

Maybe help them out by having one of the bandits wanting to go legit and passing them a knife or maybe an escape map. So long as he/she can come along to a main city or something.

>Session was set up to play 2 hours ago
>Faggot DM is literally sleeping right now and I can't wake him up
>He's literally the only NEET of the group and somehow can't find the time to prepare for his own game

Literally just happened to me
Fuck you OP I hope you at least have an excuse

Are they in a stronghold or are they transporting them?

>haven't wrote a single word, drawn a map or created any NPCs

Show your players a blank sheet of paper.

Tell them:
>that's the map

The game is taking place on a plane of snow during a blizzard. Their first task is to survive for a session against the elements and occasional yetis.

Our group rotates GMs. Any time we want to play and nobody has something prepared I get put in the chair to make shit up on the fly.

Make it up as you go, don't be afraid to rip off stories from other things. Try to think of the session as an episode in a tv show.

Literally just draw out a chain of events dude, and at each chain you can just pick out a few different outcomes and go down each one. In half an hour you'll be prepared for literally anything your players throw at you. Then look up the monsters you'll need and bookmark the monster manual at pages you'll need.

If this is a recurring problem for you, might I recommend a lighter system like FATE (in it, the players literally roll and say what kind of thing they want to find & you can just say "yes, it is there.") I mean, it won't help you right now, but if it is a frequent problem, I'd definitely look into some less GM-intensive systems.

Reported.