Attention smelly dirt-farming primitives who like to hit each other with bars of iron...

>muttering noises from huddle
Right.. we don't exactly have much. Mining's a hard job with tunnel gas and cave-ins and whatnot.. just a fair warning m'luds, wouldn't want you think we were tricking you. If you're sure we could probably try doing a divine proclamation and the like..
Lots of quartz mind, tripping over the bleedin' stuff.

We have diseases. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe even millions. We just coughed in your direction. Your entire species is now on the brink of extinction. Have fun with that.

Hope you like syphilis and herpes because you got it now, boyo!

You know they'll have diseases too? That will kill us too? And we'll have no immune response to?

I consent, as long as I can fuck your female or female-analogues

It's a shame it's crap. I stopped reading it when it went on an extensive description of the effects of gonorrhea

these types of stories always tickled my fancy. what is the story?

SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!

...we just travelled the cosmos. We claim untold numbers of planets, systems and cold sapce stations.

Believe it or not we know about FUCKING PATHOGENS you inbred little naïve self-destructive monkey. We considered that and compensated for it on our first extraplanar colony. Now if you want to continue doing that disgusting biological function of excreting oil on your dermis you will cease this idiotic posturing.
You must know, surely that any civilisation that can claim planets and indeed just meaningfully travel and communicate between stars, let alone what we can do,is orders above you to the point where struggle is so incredibly futile that resting is more insulting your own intelligence than any real injury to us.

So either put on your big boy hat and understand your place compared to us, or leave and find some other being who has intelligence to negotiate. Perhaps one of those viruses you mentioned, I can hardly imagine that the level of intelligence could be any lower than yours.

You vile filth! This world is in our borders! We have the rights to mine this world bare. If you think that you can take it then we shall send our fleets against you.

Alright, this is ridiculous. You're telling me that you've got FTL and super advanced technology and yet you need taxes from people far less technolgoically advanced, have nothing of mineral or chemical worth that would be of value that you couldn't get far easier from space, can't manufacture anything to your standards and whose biology is radically different so you can't even grab booze and smokes or other luxury goods? What are you even going to take as tax? Sex slaves? Even then, you don't need that. I can only conclude that you're basically playing a game with us or being bastards just for your own amusement because there is nothing that we can provide you with that you wouldn't already be able to acquire with less fuss and cost than administrating or policing us.

What is the nature of your taxes, and who do you intend to tax?

Wait, the guvners are fun-guys? I love fun-guys!

If you're so fucking advanced, answer this guy here.

Why do you need to tax us when you're so far above us that we couldn't give you anything you don't already have nigh-on unlimited access to?

I would normally berate you but if it means I can leave this squalor sooner I'll answer you properly.

No.

No, but we have some.. eh 'bestiality' fetishists in our species. There'll inevitably be someone that will mate with anything. Sheer numbers and probability ensure it.
They probably won't mate with YOU. Stars above and below of course not. You're hideous.
But humanity in general? Probably, at some point.

If that's good enough then that's great. If not, too bad.

>smelly

YOU FUCKS

Suh, I'm just a simple farmer. M'lord owns m'land, I give him one part in five of my crops and the church takes another part in five. The rest is sold at market or eaten by m'family, m'lord. I can't really afford to give up any more of m'crops, we surely live lean and pious, m'lord. Perhaps you should be speaking to the Bishop or the Lordship on the hill up yonder, m'lord? You surely know your business better than I, m'lord, it just seems a bit odd, m'lord.

Well I'm a burgher and this is a free city so Mr High and Mighty can take his flying ship and fuck off. Unless he wants to buy some nice pottery in which case, come by my shop and I'll give you a lovely rate, Master Stranger!

>>Advanced race shows up expecting us to be colonizing the Solar System since they picked up our radio broadcasts fifty light years out
>>Instead we're still busy arguing over incredibly inconsequential things like beliefs and minor variations in skin tone
>>Ah well, time to bomb the world with asteroids. Maybe the next race that evolves here will be smarter.

Luxury goods. Artificial scarcity.

We of course can obtain nearly anything, we are largely post scarcity.
But we like to own things of value, unique things. So we demand tribute in exchange for some protection.

I can obtain triangle-fruit at my whim. I have access to many kinds of commonly farmed and produced foodstuffs throughout out holdings.
But your.. let's see, 'apple'? I cannot obtain one elsewhere. Only here.
There is a novelty in eating an 'apple' as opposed to a triangle-fruit. Yes I know the name is odd to you, it's a translation. But the point is simple, imperfections and novelty amuse us. Produce it, and you will receive some small reward. Small to us, you understand.

i'll wager my immortal and unkilliable species with super tech against your own.

That's not tax though. That's business. We'll provide you all the apples you could possibly want. Or as few as you want to fuel artificial scarcity. Why the political control? Why the demand for tax rather than just approaching with an open hand and a contract? Hell, you could have got everyone begging to be part of your hegemony on their own rather than coming in here waving the kinetic kill rods around.

Again? We just got conquered by the Aldebaran Hypersequence last week, and before that it was the Hrunt Hierarchy, and before that it was the Rapsilscon Horde. What is it about this planet that hyper advanced aliens try to conquer it at least once a month and go to war to kick each other off of it? What is so important about us?

I bet it's just some galactic equivalent of a hidden camera show and we've become a recurring character where the joke is that we're getting used to the crazy shit.

You have apples. Surely nobody explained to you that apples are very valuable, both in taste and nutrition, as well as medicinal properties?

As they say, one apple per standard rotational period negates the need for the medical professional to come near you.

We did not demand political control, did you excrete too much wax as to block your auditory sense organs?
Your system is ours. We are your overlords. So long as you produce what we request there is no other interest.
Rule yourselves how you see fit.

As for why we do not request you to join or allow others to join?
Do you ask monkeys if they want to rule your nations? ...Do not answer that. I have seen your rulers.

If it makes you feel better, some other races refer to us as their patrons.
You produce.. trinkets, novelty, perhaps even art now and then. And we throw scraps when we care.

If you don't like this state of affairs, feel free to destroy yourselves or advance to the point where we will pay you more interest.

Same reason you have your empires. Because it makes our balls (or at least our anatomical equivalent) feel big.

And because the kinetic kill rods really help when it comes to settling contract disputes.

Because what I am willing to offer you in exchange for the apple is not killing your entire village and then taking it anyway.

Business is fine for two equals. You and I are not equal. I could take the apple without you never knowing I was here. But the weaker party is the one that steals in the night. I am not here to take, I am here to see you give it to me.

And if you will not, then I will keep killing you until I find one of you that knows your place.

Simply put, you don't even qualify to request to be a trade partner for our hegemony, much less be accepted as one.

Fine. Come down here and grab some apples. You can get them for free on the side of the road.

Empires come around to economic or geopolitical requirements, mostly about securing territories that produce valuable stuff or conquering territories to make you safer from being conquered yourself. The dick waving is more of a side effect.

For being advanced aliens, you really don't seem to grasp simple notions like that.

>trading with savages and primitives
No, you give us what we want, and we allow you to exist on your ball of mud.

Now hand over the fruit.

Just for that, we're going to genetically engineer apple blight and there'll be no apples. Suck on that dickhead.

By the way, the Qwuiplontians were here last week, so you're probably going to be facing a huge armarda heading your way if you don't get out of their space.

Burn us and you burn the apples. Which you seem strangely desperate for.

fbpb

The Qwuiplontians are one of the afformentioned races that we patronize. They know they place.

The fact that you don't seem to grasp that the apple, in specific, isn't what we are here for only reinforces my already low opinion of your species.

The crows are understanding this message perfectly. Perhaps we should instate them as the rulers of your world instead.

>actually getting hot and bothered by the guy above.

If you were so smart, you'd know you'd needn't to have compensated in the first place.

First, there is the issue of the fact that the MAJORITY of diseases, pestilences, sicknesses, and etc are usually species specific due to differing biological make-up making cross-species transmission all but impossible. Second, the handful of diseases, pestilences, sicknesses, and etc are usually ones in which have a high mutation rate and are ones that we've already been trying to stamp out in the first place because of it.

Furthermore, the fact that you've actually gone through the trouble of learning or language, or at the very lease updating your translation software, in order to facilitate cross-species communication just goes to show how much you actually care.

Now, we can actually discuss this rationally, or you can get the fuck out. We're about ten years out from a private company having successfully starting a colony of Mars, the fourth planet from our star, and we don't need you getting in the way of us no longer being planet-locked.

I'm half thinking we should just destroy the natives and set this up as an agricultural world. There's some nice plants here. And fungi, not too often you see them together in such numbers.
But their culture does produce some novelties, and I'd quite like to see some more perhaps.

You think I was serious about apples. It was an example. A planetary tithe, or your lives are forfeit and we will make this world a production or agricultural world instead of a 'client' one.

THE APPLES WERE AN EXAMPLE. You idiotic apes. Artworks, consumables, ideas. Things to entertain us, the apples are an example, comparing them to triangle-fruit.
Apples taste terrible compared to them anyway. It is the novelty factor.

I hate conversing with primitives.

Forget it. I'm wiping this planet clean. They're all idiots bloated on self importance. Cant be bothered any more.
Not like another autonomous mining system ever hurt.

Too late. Now all you get are apples.

Fuck you, you can't kill us if we nuke ourselves first!

>burning
How primitive.

It's a metaphor. You think apples just grow on trees naturally? It takes hard work to get apples as you know them.

FUCK!

I'm serious about the crow thing. The crows have already offered us small shiny things. Its not a great tithe, but they are at least cooperating. We can build on that.

>Not like another autonomous mining system ever hurt.

That's what they all say before the mining robots gain sentience and unionize.

Okay, but we need to get some things clear first.

>Define "resistance"
>Define "taxes"
>Define "year"
>Define "valuables"
>Define "tolerance"

Any of these use local standards? For example, could we pay our taxes with pic related?

>We're about ten years out from a private company having successfully starting a colony of Mars

>king autist himself
>doing anything
>WANTING a private corp to colonize mars
You shame the human race.

...okay. Could be entertaining to watch.

sure, i'll give a tithe. you just gotta get it by o'll jimmy here first

>the mining robots gain sentience and unionize.
What, again? How many 'autonomous silicon-intelligence mining collectives' do we have laying around the galaxy by now? They're starting to war with each other, for Phlbt's sake!

nigga Qwuiplontians are all pacifists, didn't you read the brochures?

If the government would get off their ass and actually LET NASA DO THEIR FUCKING JOB, we wouldn't need private companies to do it for them in the first place.

>idiots bloated on self importance

Which species were we talking about again...?

...

NASA's job was to make strategic missile development palatable. They already did their job and now Lockheed Martin does it.

This is what we get for having universal suffrage.
Populist, short sighted legislature.
Rip us.

Footfall. tl;dr elephant aliens sent a probe and saw humans in the middle ages and invade earth but by then it's post-WW2 so they get their shit kicked in

>this meme again
>NASA's mission can't be redefined to something actually important, instead of babysitting satelites
Go fuck yourself

Don't bother. Tactical already ran the numbers, they literally can't exterminate themselves with their nuclear stockpile. They simply don't have enough area coverage. They could decimate a large number of their major cities, but at the expense of completely missing the rural areas, and even the cities would have survivors given their paltry yields.

Honestly, we only checked because they seemed so convinced that they had enough nukes to destroy their planet. It could have been a sign of a higher technology level than we had initially guessed, but no. Just humans exaggerating their accomplishments. Again.

Too many, by the sound of it. There really should be more regulations regarding this stuff.

Stars, don't remind me.
There's a reason why we now use automatons slaved to a master control system rather than robots.

On the other talon, the Collective is an excellent trading partner.

Finally, one that gets it. There will be a full document forwarded later with details. As for valuables.. we first need to do an inventory of likely items. We might want those.. organisms. Probably not, but stranger things have happened.

One has a galactic technocracy, the other barely has an impact on their satellite.
When we say we are important, it is because we are.
Compared to you, anyway. I suppose on the astronomical view we are all insignificant.

Can't. Too busy enforcing global hegemony.

>empires can't maintain their domain while also expanding it
Just need to cut some of the welfare and foreign aid, bruv

Did we check for the possibility they all detonated in a single location?
Haven't seen a planet cracking for a while.

New-new Terra has been identified communicating with unknown xenos scum. Commencing exterminatus.

>There really should be more regulations regarding this stuff.
You say that, but you even mention mining regulations in the Galactic League of Nations senate, and the Fibraxians and the Hrunt and the Lkrlians all start yelling and threaten to invade things.

Yeah right. You're just scammers. We've been through this before. Every other year or so some alien con artist comes here and claims to be part of a galactic federation or empire or principality or merchant guild or sewing circle and demands or asks for x, y or z before fucking off and never coming back. Well, fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on me.

>Not realizing we were stalling long enough for you to get here.

What are you, a heretic?

While I was typing this, I was gonna say that the elephants got high off of ginger or some shit, but that's a completely different story about a reptilian alien race that invades but shit happens and Nazi Germany, America, the USSR, and the UK kick their asses and I think fuck their women who get hyper-fertile due to the ginger high they get. If anyone can tell me what the hell I'm talking about, then that would be great.

Word of advice: be careful with the "Japan" polity. It mass-produces disturbing memeplexes. It may be weaponizeable.

For such a "superior" race they've spent an awful long time bitching at the monkeys while doing absolutely nothing.

Makes me wonder if you're all just talk.

The Race, from a guy named Turtledove.

I for one welcome our new reptilian overlords, and hope they like macaroni and cheese.

Under no circumstances is this a plot to poison any dignitaries.

Sounds like Worldwar, by Harry Turtledove.

Why do you think i do it? It lets me get a nap in while they argue.

Once I put forward a motion to mine in the forbidden sector with engineered bioorganisms with sapience just to cause the largest argument I could.
Went home, had a meal with my spawn, a whole sleep cycle and cleansing and returned before it ended.
Was paid for the full day.

A commendable initiative citizen, perhaps your soul may yet be saved. Exterminatus launched.

Hey, wait a tic, what about the System-Bound Species Act?

Yeah, bet you weren't expecting us to know about that one, were you? Specifically states galactic powers are not to interfere in the development of species whose means of travel are limited to within their own star system of origin.

If you're wondering who told me, I'm pretty sure that ship above my apartment building isn't one of yours. For one thing, you seem to be fond of black/yellow color schemes and this one's pink. Also it looks like the kind of flying saucer a cartoonist would draw.

>They know they place.
We wuz aliums n' shiet.

I really like the Stellaris alien designs.

>why is Veeky Forums so retarded lately I just don't get it where did the good stuff go
Turns out you have to make it yourself. So, where's the good stuff, user? We're waiting for you.

At least we aren't being bulldozed for an interstellar bypass.

If you shrunk down your hideously bloated prison system, you might be able to afford that welfare.

But if you shrunk the prison system, the economy would suffer anyway from the lack of unpaid prison labor.

OR, we could keep our prison system, and instead spend welfare on space.

Or, even better, we could cut prison spending AND welfare, and spend it on space.

>Attention all humans, you will deliver us your apples. It is our right as the superior species.
....
....
....
>I really think the US should cut welfare and prison spending.

Sorry bro, we have friends!

Welcome to election season. Now you know why /pol/ exists.

You'll only have to deal with us for another 11 days.

Welcome to Veeky Forums, enjoy your stay

Nah, the way American election cycles work, we'll be starting up again in two months.

Theres also one about reptilian aliens who send probes and see the crusades but when they get there its in the middle of ww2. World at War: In the Balance I think is the name Its really good actually.