The barmaid stealthly slips a caltrop onto your chair as you sit down

>The barmaid stealthly slips a caltrop onto your chair as you sit down

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Well you just told me, so my character must have noticed, so I ask her what she's doing.

There are like a dozen taverns in this fucking town, why do we always pick the one near the Fools Guild?

>The PC unstealthly shoves a sword through the barmaids chest.

>The joke's on her, I stealthly slipped another chair on top of her caltrop

Nothing personal, GM ;^)

>my anus is ready

>the seat of the second chair was brittle and breaks over the caltrop's tip as you sit down on it

I pull the caltrop out of my arse, and wrap my fingers aruond it, forming a punching spike, feeling the other points sink slightly into the flesh on my hand, using that pain to focus my fury as I jam the spike into the barmaid's plentiful breasts, driving her backwards over the table. Then I draw out my 4 foot broadsword and chop deep into her shoulder, watching her stagger backward in surprise, a bubble of blood dribbling down her mouth. Her eyes full of fear, she begs for mercy. Several white knights immediately rise to defend her, but in a single swipe I cut them down (thanks Great Cleave!), then step forward and bash her in the face with the hilt, knocking out several teeth. I pull up her skirt and slide the sword into her, using her vagina as a sheath, twisting it to shave bits of skin from the inside of her vagina. She screams in agony. Her little prank isn't so funny now. After she has been properly bloodied, I slip my penis inside of her, fucking her to orgasm, using her blood as lube. Despite the pain, she cums within a few minutes, at which point I drive the sword through her back, resulting in a choked gasp as she experiences pure pleasure and pure pain at the same time. As she dies, I use the caltrop to cut out her eyes, then jam it into her forehead as a reminder to those who choose to play pranks on the most dangerous fighter in the West.

My masterwork shoes give me a +3 bonus to AC against caltrops.

...

That's ok, I prefer to hang upside down from the rafters.

>this thread

...

It's poking your ass, not your feet dumbass.

>virtualoptim needs to cum

>Not wearing shoes on your ass

RAW don't make that distinction.

>getting your ass kicked so hard it's wearing someone's boots

>implying i can afford to go to the tavern
otherwise
>guess who's getting targeted by the bard tonight

>One ass to two boots
Looks like I came out the winner in that exchange.

True, that's like losing the battle but winning the war.

A Ring of Invisibility doesn't only make your finger invisible

I slap her, and use my quivering palm ability
Guess who's dying of a heart attack next week?

i SIT UP AND MOVE, vampiric blood sputtering out of ther wond. IU take the caltrop out of my rear and throw it at her head like a fastball, causing her face to get iunjured. I pull a arm forward aned drink the blood, orgasmically enjoying the sensations. After drinking, I leave.,

Any who are in the club woulpd be mental dominated so I can continue teaching the barmaid a lesson.
(Thanks to dominate being leveled up enopugh to control rooms.)

>trying to keep a namefag's memory alive

Stop. It's best to just forget him, rather than giving him exactly what he wants.

You need to work on your spelling there, buddy.

...

What the hell is wrong with your fingers? What the FUCK is wrong with your BRAIN?

Maybe he's typing with it?

Well, RAW is wrong, you fucking moron.

Difference in function. You make an ass of yourself trying to draw that parallel.

You two are both retards, I hope you know.

>You make an ass of yourself trying to draw that parallel.
The clever fiend! He's made his entire body capable of wearing masterwork shoes!

OH NO!
HOW WILL WE EVER DEFEAT HIM, NOW?

Like this?

Is the barmaid an elf?

That or his dick depending on which one was in control.

I sit on it, wiggle my ass to make it sink deeper, order a drink, stand up. The caltrop is now betwixt my buttocks, bleeding from the contact. As the barmaid watches this in horror, I bend over, aim towards the dart board that a tavern always has and yell "ARTILLERY FIRE INCOMING!" and proceed to fart at such force that it launches the caltrop as if thrown by my hands. The blood covered caltrop flies across the room with the grace of a thousand fancy elves dancing around around to seduce each other, landing firmly in the bull's eye. I walk out and yell "Put the drinks on my tab" and find the party cleric to heal my butthurt.

I'm going to need you to hold the fuck up there. First of all, I know this is your first session but you only get to control your character actions, not the NPCs.

Second, you didn't include a roll. Based on group policy in these matters, if you don't roll you are treated as having failed. So you don't hit her with the caltrop and none of the rest of that happens either.

Third, that caltrop was poisoned. Can you roll a fortitude save?

D-don't bully me please

The (caltrop placed under your butt) Contingeny spell that my wizard always has protecting him when out drinking activates, blinking him to safety before vaporising everything in the inn in the devastating blast of of a 20d6 fireball.

>the caltrop slips into my anus and goes unnoticed.

I use Hold Person, tie her to a chair, set the chair in the center of the room, and burn the tavern to the ground.

I guess that time I didn't think she saw me chatting up the blacksmiths' daughter, she actually did.

Did she spit in my ale as well?

Hot.

Yay for being into gore.

You mean a d4?
I ask her why I would play a mage.

>I roll for anus circumference

I think caltrops only do 1d4,(or even less relevant amount in other systems) so I just have her arrested by the guards or ignore it.

>I take one point of damage and proceed to burn the tavern down, murdering all who stand in my way.
>The life of a Murder Hobo is a busy one.

What do you guys think user meant by this

>playing a scaven Lich
>Feat that allows me to take on vistage of life so I don't spook the mortals
>dr 15/blunt and magic
>Probably don't even feel it, or just pretend not to
>Make her wonder just how fucked up skaven are
>probably will skeletonize tavern patrons later anyway
Lich unlife best unlife

I stealthily slip my cock into her rear as she sits diwn

>I think caltrops only do 1d4

>The average human peasant has 2 hp
>If you take twice your health in damage from a single source, your body explodes
>Sitting on a caltrop could make a peasant explode

Makes you think

Can't be Virt, the barmaid's not an elf and there's no mention of her bare ankles. Trust me, I have a doctorate in virtology.

RAW not RAI.

I just sit down on it and don't even notice it's there because I have 100 hp and get disemboweled by horrific giant monsters on a daily basis.

Hi there!
You seem to have made a bit of a mistake in your post. Luckily, the users of Veeky Forums are always willing to help you clear this problem right up! You appear to have used a tripcode when posting, but your identity has nothing at all to do with the conversation! Whoops! You should always remember to stop using your tripcode when the thread it was used for is gone, unless another one is started! Posting with a tripcode when it isn't necessary is poor form. You should always try to post anonymously, unless your identity is absolutely vital to the post that you're making!
Now, there's no need to thank me - I'm just doing my bit to help you get used to the anonymous image-board culture!

Is she...
Is she coming on to me?

youtube.com/watch?v=YMDTVyDvudk

Shush

Damn I just really wanted to call out the fag above who couldn't type correctly but it looks like I'm the fag.

>d4 HD
>Max HP at first level
>10 Con
>2 HP

???

omfg, classic

"At first we were all offended that the age of reason left us all behind, but then people stopped expecting us, stopped hunting us, and stopped teaching their children our weaknesses that their ancestors had taken centuries to work out"

I yelp, smile at her, palm the caltrop and stick it in my pocket.

On my way out, wait till her back is turned, palm the caltrop and slap her on the ass with it.

I break into her bedroom and leave a small buttplug on her chair.

why?

This, secretly, was the plan the whole time. For the cost of a single caltrop and a bribe to a barmaid, a local lord has cut the head off of an entire resistance movement that was meeting at the tavern.

The blame for all those deaths pinned on you, shopkeepers in town no longer offer you their services.

I assumed she was flirting.

>Max HP at first level
Not unless that peasant is a PC

we kill the barmaid of course. and the rest of the bar employees. hell, we kill most of the locals. plus a little liberal burning of major structures. leave a few alive to spread the word. maybe the rebels will get the fucking point, and we won't have to spend another six months playing the counter insurgency goon squad. leave the kids alive though. the contract is very specific about that