Jumpchain CYOA Thread #1169: Look Upon My Editions, Ye Mighty

>1169
>69

L-l-lewd!

What are some good jumps to find forbidden love in?

Your Pokewaifu is an excellent choice even if it's played out.
There's a reason it's babbies first waifu and that's not just because it's easy.

Alternatively Overlord NPCs are excellent and it's still totally doable early chain.

Spend next 4 years walking house to house and slap everyone who answers door and yell "You did this!"

Do same thing if Hilary wins.

...??
This honestly seems really too...dry? Like I know you're trying to probably not bring the lewd to the forefront but it's hard to tell what this is actually ABOUT from the perks alone

Don't screw your pets!

You might want something else for that.
In the timestop/slow you can run along suspended cloth, but if you want to defy gravity entirely you'll probably want something like Naruto wall walking.
You could totally fake it with touhou flight though.

user, I respect your opinion, but jumpchain is a community, and isn't defined by an individual's preferences. If Brutus tells me he can't allow the finished version on the drive, I will respect that decision and move on. Otherwise, I intend to keep chipping away at it.

Yeah. I get you. On the one hand, I didn't want to passionately describe nipples and ass cheeks for paragraphs. On the other hand, I didn't really know what else to do. So right now it's a super-dry, bland powergrab. I'm more or less just moving forward and hoping I stumble over quality.

PJO.

Be the child of a fertility goddess and then waifu your mom.

I'm literally not even joking.

I didn't do shit. I refuse to be responsible for either one of them becoming the most powerful person in the western world.

>nipples and ass cheeks for paragraphs
>didn't really know what else to do
>super-dry, bland powergrab

These are all reasons I suggest you focus your efforts on something else. There is very little, if anything, to the setting other than raw fan service.

Mind you, these are your own words. Please, simply stop. More people than myself have pointed out that the setting is simply not worth the effort.

...

Thanks, Red.

Movies X-Men Superspeed (Quicksilver) is arguably some form of Time Dilation with how things sometimes went during his Days of Future's Past and Armageddon scenes (Either that or some really decent super durability because hitting those water drops at the kinds of speeds he was moveing at would have torn his skin to ribbons. Hell at those speeds even wind friction gets to the point where you'll end up raw faced, but the Time Dailation theory pans out better when the odd times when the explosion would suddenly speed up happened during Armageddon.)

More people have also told you to fuck off. Senran Kagura got on the drive, this can too. Fuck. Off.

Rolled 1 (1d5)

Background: Villain (-100)
Races: Pokemon [Anorith] (Free)
Age: 28 years old.
Location: Prowldent Virginia Community College
Perks: Pokemon Type [Bug] (-200), Chaotic Mastery (-600), Trolle Fatale (Free), Witch (-100), Brainwashing (-200)
Items: Wooden Badge (Free)
Drawbacks: Shopping! (+100), Sammy (+100)

>mfw I'm at the community college
>mfw I'm stereotypically obsessed with shopping
>mfw I'M AN ANORITHFACE

[SCREAMING]

>1. Kill la Kill
>2. SOMA
>3. Undertale
>4. Hellsing
>5. Akame ga Kill

[CONTINUED SCREAMING]

>Senran Kagura
>Let's see who made that one...
>SoftAnon

I'm seeing a pattern. Had I been here at the time, I would have spoke out against Senran Kagura as well.

Personally, I think it's some combination of super-speed and personal time manipulation. He's had a weird version of personal time travel in the comics before.

I mean, either that, or the writers gave it less thought than we nerds did. That can't be right, can it?

This jump is emptier than my dorm's refrigerator.

Jump # 113 “They Live”
Background: Drifter (100)
Age: ???
Gender: Female

Perks:
*Situational Sharpness (0)
*Incredible Wealth (100)
*Hero Sense (300, Discount)
*Mastermind (400)

Equipment
*Bubblegum (0)
*Special Glasses (0)
*Special Contact lenses (100, Discount)

It’s sad how common this situation is getting to stumble upon. Humanity once again sheep, blindly fallowing their masters without realizing they are really slaves.

I befriended Nada and Frank long enough to awaken their Aura. They both thought I was a little crazy but I was helping them and I was cute so they tolerated me.

I helped them where I could but I had Rick gathering materials and prepping for the big reveal just in case. I Also convinced Holly to turn on the Aliens…

It turns out she was a huge B**** but she had a weakness for tons of cash I purchased her loyalty such as it was. She didn’t ask where I got the two suitcases full of hundreds that I gave her not to backstab Nada and Frank she just took them.

Of course she wound up getting arrested for carrying around two suitcases of money with no explanation on how she got them. She was later released but the money disappeared in the evidence locker. It wasn’t my doing either.

Nada and Frank succeeded in revealing the Aliens, they however were partially bullet proof and Archer took care of the police helicopter for them so they actually lived.

They became big figureheads in the “war” that fallowed. I put war in quotes because it turns out the aliens kind of sucked at fighting and the ones that didn’t run died and Humanity acquired their tech.

Senran Kagura is approved despite it being 90% lewd. First two minutes of anime is pretty much all panty shots and boob jiggling.

>I
Well there's the problem with your argument isn't it? The majority doesn't mind it, because apparently only you and one other guy are against it. You not being there cut all the protests in half.

So stop speaking as if you're a majority when you're only one guy with an opinion people either disagree with or just do not care about.

I'm pretty sure the speeding up and slowing down was just Quicksilver gaining and losing the focus needed to have his reflexes so accelerated. When he wasn't paying attention, it would speed up, when he was paying attention it slowed down again. As for the water drops not exploding him, that's just typical speedster Required Secondary Powers. Some sort of inertia-dampening field, or something like that, that he has semi-conscious control over how it extends to things he's touching.

Yeah, exactly.

Senran Kagura has actual serious danger and an overarching plot to go together with the power levels and fanservice.

Keijo is just... one tenth parodied shounen tropes (very little of which is properly reflected in the jump) and nine tenths fanservice.

Get serious.

Drawbacks: They Take Notice (1600)

Name: Diamond D. Brando
Age: 26
Starting Era: Rise of Dio
Origin: Bad-Blooded Brando (1500)
Gender: Female

-Perks-
Calisthenics (Free)
Joestar Secret Technique (Free)
Dramatic Persona (Free)
Dynamic Entry (Free)
Blood Vessel Needle (1450)
Shadow Walking (1300)
Create Zombie (1100)
Bodily Mastery (800)

-Items-
Stone Mask (600)
The Arrowhead (0)

I crouched on one knee while inspecting Blaze's shuddering form. That bastard Dio had punched him while he was busy checking at Frisk and had sent him flying into the wall. Speaking of Friisk, I was sorta worried. I'd never seen them knocked out for this long before. The others were around the room trying to shoot Dio full of sunlight, but the fucker was proving to be more agile then I would have thought. I lazily dodged a stray solar bolt that was moving at speeds that made it almost invisible to the human eye. “Hey, watch where you're aiming that shit! He's not the only vampire around here!” I shouted, and turned back to my patient. Sensing a shift in the air currents, I looked up, and saw Frisk moving around. Relieved that they seemed to be alright, I was about to return my attention to Blaze, when I sensed a sudden...malice in the air.

I looked over at where Dio was dodging the bolts of sunlight. Nah, not him. Too...insanely homicidal for him. Hmm, couldn't be Caim. I'd asked him to deal with any other vampires in the town. None of the others, with the possible exception of Lucifer, could be that blood thirsty, so who could it be? I looked over at Frisk, who had gotten up and...was wielding a knife? What the fu-oh. Oh shit. I quickly grabbed the others with my telekinesis and threw them to my position.

>But I thought I'd remind everyone that I exist, and ask for input. Please be as harsh and thorough as you can. I need it.

I don't understand why you've made this jump if this is all you can muster for it. People can try to defend you by saying that the setting itself doesn't have any worldbuilding, plot, or any trace of uniqueness aside from the assfighting, but what that boils down to is that you're making Female Assfights the Jump, and deciding that giving it a Japanese name somehow makes it more acceptable.

As it stands, your intro and fluff text tell me the bare minimal about this world. Your items are, as you recognized yourself, bland, because they also seem to have a very tentative connection to the world. I feel like I'm just walking inside 7-11 to pick up a couple perks and leave. Now normally this would be fine for a setting that I'm otherwise unfamiliar with, except the only drawback you've had makes the world seem like nothing but a magical realm.

I'm told that this setting is supposed to have a lot of parodies of some common anime themes, but I'm not seeing any of that reflected in your writing, your tone, or your perks. You're very good at delivering what the effects of each perk is in a straightforward manner, but here it doesn't do your jump any actual service.

Take some examples: Your Qikong (It's Qigong if you're referring to the Chinese practice, and Japanese doesn't have a Qi character) perk is probably one of the perks with the most "character", but the way you've written it turns it into a bland "Here you get Ki" perk. There's nothing indicating where Ki/Qi shows up in the world, how it's used, what it does, etc.

Your Ass of Babylon perk, something that seems intriguing in the title, again has absolutely no references to the world, and instead entirely focused on "You can copy anything you see and replicate it". So why call it Ass of Babylon, what was the connection?

I mean...the jump doesn't have to exist. Like, I could make a jump of freakin' Animator Vs. Animation but if there isn't anything there then I can't make it happen

Right, so seeing as we're now allowing more and more lewd jumps, I'm going to begin work on Generic Pornstar / Porn Director.

I need jumps that provide inspiration anons, any jumps that let me take dramatic leaps in tech or grants insight or even just some hyper-obsessiveness that allows a jumper to invent something wonderful...

“Hey, what's the problem, Mr. boss sir? We almost had him.” Garchomp said, arms motioning in Dio's direction. “Yeah, he's not important right now. Quick, through this portal.” I said, creating a portal to the warehouse on the ground, careful not to take my eye's off of Frisk. “What!? But, sir!” Rapidash protested. “Forget about him, grab Blaze here, and leave!" I shouted. Seeing how serious I was, she decided to shut up and follow orders. Everyone began to jump through the portal. “Wait, what about Frisk?” She asked, before she stepped through. “Trust me, Frisk is not the one to be concerned about right now.” I said.

I shoved her through the portal and closed it. There, they should be safe enough on the other side of the world. I returned my attention to what was going on in the room. Frisk, or Chara I guess, was just staring at the knife. Dio, who had been busy catching his breath until now, finally turned his attention to the last remaining occupants of the room. "So, all but two insects have run away, have they?" He asked, though I could tell it wasn't really a question.

I feel obligated at this point to remind everyone that "WIP" stands for work in progress, meaning the jump is not done yet. Yes, there's shit missing. Yes, it needs polish. That is why it is a WIP. Because it is still being worked on.

Should I not post WIPs anymore? Does that bother people?

Generally unimpressive and you're missing text out of the Auto Mode perk

Is the only reason why this became a jump was because the premise was downright strange to normie viewers, leading to its accidental popularity in some weird variant of the Streisand effect?

Weren't you going to add something to super speed about being able to interact with things normally despite your speed and being able to extend your speed to objects you are carrying?

>actual serious danger
Has never been a requirement of any jump and more then a few jumps don't meet it anyway.

>Plot
As does Keijo.

And what the fuck are you even talking about not properly reflected? You're a fucking troll if you think this given people have complained that the fanservice is underrepresented compared to power stuff. Fuck off shit poster.

"Dio, none of us were running running from you. Though, if you value your life, you'll want to start right now." I said keeping my eyes on the biggest threat in the room. "What the devil are you talking about?" He said turning to look in Frisks direction, unfortunately for him though, it was too late. One second Frisk was standing at the opposite end of the room, the next they were swinging the knife, it's blade, sheathed in light, slicing effortlessly through his stomach.

“W-what?” He asked, staring shocked down at the bleeding stomach wound. While he was still reacting to this, another knife slipped out of Frisks sleeves - why did I ever give everybody those damned extra-dimensional storage places - and into their hands. Gripping it with both hands, they stabbed upwards into Dio's chest. The force of the stab rocked him backwards, and he fell to the ground. Reeling from this turn of events, he was unable to lift himself from the ground, nor was he able to defend himself when Frisk-Chara jumped on him and began punching him in the face. Seemingly growing tired of this, they retrieved the knife from Dio's chest, and with a single swing, sliced off his head.

Well. That went about how I expected it to. I teleported behind Chara, and the reaction was swift and brutal. They swiftly turned around, and stabbed me in the stomach. I fell into a crouch, holding myself up with one arm, and looked into Chara's face. Their eyes were bleeding some sort of tar like substance, and the mouth seemed to be full to the brim and leaking the same substance. My free arm fell down around their waist and grabbed them. They started stabbing me furiously, arms pistoning in and out. I brought them closer, hugging them to my chest. “Stab me as...much as you wish. I won't fight back.” I said, gasping from the pain. They stabbed at me even faster, knife going at every place it could reach. “The two of you are family, and family doesn't hurt family.”

Dwarf fortress, Symbiote, and Infinicon.
Take all the hyperfocus perks and push your limits.

I AM only speaking as a man with an opinion. I have ONLY spoken as if I was a man with an opinion.

I would point out that there are at least several other people speaking out as well, in addition to the unknown number of anons that spoke up when it was mentioned last.

You said "close to being done."

Your words, sir. Your words. This shit feels half-finished and rushed.

Does seem like people are being extremely critical and harsh.

I mean, again, you've already admitted that it's hard to find some inspiration for it and even if it's a WIP it's still an impression you make

If you're showing a WIP it's because you're either trying to drum up some excitement or get feedback and this is the feedback you're getting

If you want to take it as "I need to make the perks a bit more grounded in the source" or anything similar, you should, but showing a WIP implies you want to know what the thoughts on it are

Wait, is that not already there? You can definitely do that.

Where to first, /jc/? Please, no gauntlets.

They stopped stabbing me. “That...is the one rule none of us will ever, SHOULD ever break. It is the rule I created when this adventure first began. Heh...That feels so long ago now, and yet I remember it perfectly. Curse of having...such a good memory I guess. Heh.” I laughed, the elation helping ease the pain a little. “Have I...told you how that rule came about? I don't think I have, though I'd imagine...bits and pieces have trickled down to you over the... years. It was back... when this whole journey began, and the only one with me was Blaze. We were being terrorized by a dream demon, you see, and one of the most powerful criminal organizations were after us. I was not nearly as strong or capable as I am now, so we were forced to run most of the time. We were shacked up in this shitty motel one week. I was on guard duty with a shitty steel pipe, and Blaze was out getting stuff from the store. I hadn't slept for a couple days, and we had just survived an attack by a couple goons. I was pretty paranoid at the time. I heard someone at the door. I thought it was another attack by gangsters, or I fell asleep and the demon was going after me. The door opened. I swung with the pipe. It wasn't a gangster or the demon.” I said, voice sombre and wistful.

"He still has the scar, you know? Right there on his arm. We're not sure why it's on all his forms, though we suspect it's because She wants to keep me reminded of it. Anyway, I freaked out afterwards, apologizing and crying. He just stood there, saying ‘no, it's not your fault’. Heh. The fucking idiot. Of course it was my fault. It was my fault for not being strong enough to end the organization, for not being able to stop the demon before. It was my fault, for being too much of an emotional hot-head to check who was opening the fucking door. I promised that day that I would never hurt anyone as close as he was to me again.

He said it's "GETTING close to being done". Not that it is close to being done. If you're going to bitch him out, at least give him the respect of reading his posts.

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles

Girl-chan

Charles Barkley shut up and jam gaiden.

Minish Cap. It's an amazing starting jump, you can clear the setting with Hero/Drop-in gotten from the +300 CP drawback and get a whole lot with it
It is recommended you get the Walkthrough drop-in capstone in that case though cause you're basically being run through the game AS link

have you ever run for political office, /jc/?

I looked down to where Chara was sitting. They were sitting there, face - back to normal, except for the red eyes - staring up at me. “Have you calmed down?” I asked. They nodded, face quickly shifting down to look at the floor. “Alright. ...I think I need some candy. How about you?" I asked. Again, they nodded their head. I got up, grabbed their hand, and we began walking forward. “I think chocolate bars have been invented by this point, so if we're lucky, we might find some.” I said idly. They began to move ever so slightly faster, and I smiled.

>run for political office
>run
Pfffft.

>Please be as harsh and thorough as you can. I need it.
For starters I think this is a stupid idea as there's nothing to do in the setting outside of fighting with your ass, and even the drawback you have reflects this. This entire jump has no plot outside of asses, and it shows with bland perks that are equally one-dimensional.

Got that out of the way, I still feel like this jump is really, really bland. It's all just vague power-ups that you can walk in and gain abilities that aren't related to the setting at all, and to be frank that makes you come off as trying to play up how you want to put lewd into the chain because it's "fun" then use it as a boat to put in completely unrelated things.

Finally, you take criticism worth shit. You say "Please give me criticism" and then you ignore everything that isn't praise and fueling your temptation to spite others. You posted a WIP of a setting that only has to do with fighting with asses, one that is practically robotic in both flavor and intent. You then decry people who are giving you honest criticism, and your constant objections and ignoring of that criticism comes off as you crying not to be bullied when you ran around inviting it to begin with.

And already running into issues - should Drop-In just be the Camera Man origin?

You said almost the exact same thing the last time I mentioned this, you forgot to add that part.

>not ruling from the shadows

Aside from the sport, which I understand is a focus, is there a plot beyond fan-service?
I'd like you take the setting more seriously if so.
I mean like is there a romance or some kinda feudal class system in place to give people something other than the sport to think about?
Usually these kinds of things can reflect political ideals of the artists that even they don't notice. Other times it's just fan-service for fan-service. I'd like to know which this sides on, because that's the major deciding factor here.

Personally I vote Time Dilation, it gets around so many things and would explain how fragile he is out of his speed.
[One of the things that spawned this was the fact that they used youtube.com/watch?v=nTvkArcVYFA as a BGM, which in my opinion is shaky ground but it could be a subtle hint I guess.]

He hit's people several meters with finger pokes but again it's just a theory. I get where you're coming from I just like to point it out is all.

I ran for president in just about every jump with an America post Metal Wolf Chaos.
No rigging, just good clean politics.
I've never won, but that's ok. My businesses basically run the country anyways.

Rolled 2 (1d4)

1
2
3
4

Man, if people's criticism all started with "This is shit, we don't need this jump, drop it if this is the best you can do" I'd be unenthusiastic about answering it too. There's a difference between harsh critique and being an asshole and telling a guy to piss off because his jump isn't needed and his work is shit anyway cross the line. People gave great criticism after they said that, but they still said that.

>The loops are getting closer together.

Fuck me, so much. And fuck you too user.

I won't make any judgement on your design choices as far as origins go. I'd assume that you at least considered carefully whether gender locking the origins was a necessity, and the impact that would have on people's builds and stories. Ironically though, your intro text already seems to suggest that everyone should lock themselves in on the path. Whether that's intentional or not is up to you, since you're the author.

Other than that your fluff text reminds me of tera's stuff back in PS238. I have no clue if this is because the setting doesn't give you enough to work with (as some people have told me) or if you're hesitating (judging by ), or if you just can't think of anything. Did you do any research into the origins of this anime, and the game shows that it draws from? Have you watched many of the game shows on NHK at all?

Somebody told me that this was supposed to be a parody. Would you agree to that statement? Because right now I'm not seeing that either. This jump is written in a very "serious" tone, and your very straightforward approach to writing fluff reinforces that notion. So if it really was supposed to be a parody, that part has been lost in the jump as well, but that's a personal matter.

>So right now it's a super-dry, bland powergrab. I'm more or less just moving forward and hoping I stumble over quality.

If you're doing that, then why are you working on a setting that barely helps you, and why are you trying to get it to the drive? If you can recognize that the quality isn't there, then scrap the project, move on, and come back when the setting is either more favorable, or you have better tools at your disposal.

It should be pretty simple to accept that we can't always produce quality, but trying to pass it as "well I'm still trying to get better, so accept it anyways" just seems like a lame excuse if anything.

You poor bastard

funded many a soul, never ran personally.
a scientifically-minded merchant's place is behind the curtains, not in front of them.

who else is going to make cutting edge plagues with the soul of a damned orphan in them? or who will create the legions of amped-up deathclaw black-op shock troops? HOW is a biological machine THAT BIG supposed to get built and WHO will paint on it "gozilla".

>I don't understand why you've made this jump if this is all you can muster for it.

Because I like it? Do we need other reasons for jumpmaking, now?

>People can try to defend you by saying that the setting itself doesn't have any worldbuilding, plot, or any trace of uniqueness aside from the assfighting, but what that boils down to is that you're making Female Assfights the Jump, and deciding that giving it a Japanese name somehow makes it more acceptable.

The setting does have a plot, although that plot is "protagonist-chan works her way up the ranks of keijo players." So far, it's literally been training arc -> tournament -> training arc. That's it. As for worldbuilding... it's just another Japan. The uniques comes from the contrast being characters taking assfighting Very Seriously, and the assfighting itself being totally ridiculous. Are you saying I should focus more on that? Try to convey a sense of the ridiculous taken seriously?

I think that's a valid approach, but part of my reason for writing such restrained descriptions is my desire to actually produce a jump that isn't blatantly lewd. In order to be appropriately ridiculous, I would need to be appropriately frank about, you know. The stuff. But it's worth a try.

This indeed Female Assfights the Jump, but, like I said, I am trying to rely on more than just the Japanese name to make it acceptable.

>Take some examples: Your Qikong (It's Qigong if you're referring to the Chinese practice, and Japanese doesn't have a Qi character) perk is probably one of the perks with the most "character", but the way you've written it turns it into a bland "Here you get Ki" perk. There's nothing indicating where Ki/Qi shows up in the world, how it's used, what it does, etc.

Fair. Part of that, to me, is subjective. I dislike excessive flavor in perks. But I agree it currently lacks pretty much any flavor at all. I will attempt to look over the descriptions and include more characterization in them.

>Says please be harsh as possible
>Starts pulling back when people get harsh

Stop worrying about whether things come off as lewd or not. That seems to be the main problem. Ignore the couple of whiners that'll bitch about a bit of fanservice and describe the perks more like they are in series. It'll add some much needed flavour.

A/S/L?

Like I said user. There's a difference between harsh critique and insulting someone. What Dirge has done is mostly harsh critique. Digger telling he guy his work isn't needed and if he can't do any better he should piss off and stop making it? That's an insult, not harsh but helpful critique.

I blame school, man.

Don't do school, kids.

If I haven't fixed it by Thanksgiving, bring it up again and I'll do it. I'm planning some minor updates to a few of my jumps anyway.

How long until we're trapped in a perpetual moment for eternity? I want to make sure I'm eating or something when we get there.

After having read the Jump, and knowing the series though what I've seen through random clips, I find myself needing much more in the way of information about the universe itself. Your Jump lacks the 'Muchness' of tone that brings a document to life. Without a tone tying it all together, there lacks any feel of cohesion between the perks, only powers to grab.

You mentioned items being lacking and work still needing to be done. This is evident. If you want harsh criticism, I think you should pack it in and find a series that does not appear to be 80% fan service. Your lone written drawback does little to help your own cause.

You need to take the criticism you have been offered into advisement if you intend to pursue this Jump in a serious manner.

[Continues laughing at your suffering]

GUNNM has some incredible perks that will allow you to rapidly advance your understanding of cybernetics as a whole. Karmatronics is not a field of science to be ignored either.

Not yet, in the new chain. I may at some point in one of the more tame, quiet Jumps. My Coordinator likes to be entertained and seems to derive great pleasure in thinking up punishments for my failing to do so.

By my calculations, we'll be trapped sometime in the latter part of Thanksgiving Day.
It could be worse, all things considered.

Hope you're American.

Hey Digger can we expect any sweetness coming from you anytime soon-ish?

Not that guy but...

>Because I like it? Do we need other reasons for jumpmaking, now?
Well not really but a passion for the subject matter can only carry you so far, as you've noted, before you need something more.

>Try to convey a sense of the ridiculous taken seriously?
That'd be a bit more interesting, might be a way around the bland without making it such a bland Jump.

>Fair. Part of that, to me, is subjective. I dislike excessive flavor in perks. But I agree it currently lacks pretty much any flavor at all. I will attempt to look over the descriptions and include more characterization in them.
You might actually find things out that you were taking for granted. The background could be a thing. Is this one of those 'Everyone settles their fights, even on the political level, through a sport.' settings?

Yeah, I'm not sure what to do. I'd like to allow people to replicate the scenes — because why bother with super speed if you can't do that kind of shit, right? — but the calcs for that are ridiculous to the point it would both overshadow the other powers and most every other speed ability in the chain that I know of, time manipulation or not.

That was a goddamn good choice for music, regardless.

>I mean...the jump doesn't have to exist. Like, I could make a jump of freakin' Animator Vs. Animation but if there isn't anything there then I can't make it happen

Jumps in general don't have to exist, Digger. We make them because we want to.

I guess distance is a subjective sort of thing.

Oh yes, absolutely. But I'd like thoughts other than "It's shit, fuck off." Not that I'm referring to your posts, Digger. Just... other people.

>I mean like is there a romance or some kinda feudal class system in place to give people something other than the sport to think about?

Heh, no. The closest thing to romance is some incredibly light yuri bait. There are no politics aside from a generic school rivalry that apparently ends the moment the protagonists win the inter-school tournament. I wouldn't say Keijo exists purely for fanservice, though. It also exists for comedy.

Other than that your fluff text reminds me of tera's stuff back in PS238. I have no clue if this is because the setting doesn't give you enough to work with (as some people have told me) or if you're hesitating (judging by (You)), or if you just can't think of anything. Did you do any research into the origins of this anime, and the game shows that it draws from? Have you watched many of the game shows on NHK at all?

Let's call it all three. I admit, my research ended on the manga. But I am extremely inclined to avoid actually watching NHK programming if I can. For personal reasons.

>It should be pretty simple to accept that we can't always produce quality, but trying to pass it as "well I'm still trying to get better, so accept it anyways" just seems like a lame excuse if anything.

Good thing that's not what I'm saying. Kinda the opposite. I'm still trying to get better, so please don't accept it until it's good. That's what I'm trying to say. Also, comparing me to tera is very harsh. But I understand where it's coming from.

Then maybe he should ask to have baby criticism next time.

>The setting does have a plot, although that plot is "protagonist-chan works her way up the ranks of keijo players."
Then make the jump reflect that instead of whining every time someone insults you. It's a WIP you asked us to rip into, you asked us to be harsh. If you can't take us being harsh, then why are you asking for it?

>Are you saying I should focus more on that? Try to convey a sense of the ridiculous taken seriously?
If you want to put your money where your mouth is, then yes. That is exactly what we're asking. You can be ridiculous without being lewd, but you keep acting like that's an impossible feat.

> I dislike excessive flavor in perks. But I agree it currently lacks pretty much any flavor at all.
You don't have to go all in or nothing at all, you know. There's a little thing called middle ground.

Holy fuck you are literally worse than Red when it comes to criticism.

>Because I like it? Do we need other reasons for jumpmaking, now?
If you like it, then why are you doing such a bland job of conveying that? There's nothing in there to suggest that you like this setting at all, and a lot of it reads like a set of wiki articles, except wiki articles would have more background information.

What you have right now could literally be called Female Assfights the Jump, because remove the Japanese name, blur the nation, and suddenly it becomes completely generic. That's arguably the result of your perks lacking flavor, in addition to the rest of the document.

If you feel you need to deliberately hide things away to make it acceptable, then aren't you just trying to avoid the fact that people will hurl shit at it once they find out whatever it is that you're hiding? I don't see why you should have to hide away fluff in order to produce a jump that isn't blatantly lewd. I was under in the impression that you believed this setting had more to it besides the ero aspect.

>The uniques comes from the contrast being characters taking assfighting Very Seriously, and the assfighting itself being totally ridiculous.
If this is the only unique aspect that you can see, then it must be exactly what you focus on. Otherwise aren't you just taking the most innocuous aspects of the setting and trying to pass them off as "the entire deal"? Right now there is no sense of ridiculousness that's conveyed in your jump.

Wow, someone's feeling cunty today.

Actually the calcs posted previously were shown to be crap, you only need to be a few mach over the Omega level soft cap to replicate the first quicksilver scene.

When a jumpmaker is all braggy about wanting harsh criticism then ignores all of it and acts like we're bullying him for something he wanted and actively encouraged, then yes that's grounds for being blunt. Talk shit, get hit.

If he can't play by his own rules, he shouldn't be making them.

I'M A BUGGY SCHOOLGIRL WHO CAN'T SEEM TO ESCAPE THE BARISTA ARCHETYPE. HOW IS THIS AMUSING.

...So. A thought occurs.

How do Parasyte powers affect things if you're a Kamui? Is shapeshifting clothes a thing? Are your life fibers all Parasyte muscles? Could I conceivably condense myself back into a humanoid form?

>After having read the Jump, and knowing the series though what I've seen through random clips, I find myself needing much more in the way of information about the universe itself. Your Jump lacks the 'Muchness' of tone that brings a document to life. Without a tone tying it all together, there lacks any feel of cohesion between the perks, only powers to grab.

Despite the incredible ambiguity of the word muchness, I appreciate the sentiment. It appears to be a popular one. I may have to start over from scratch.

> I think you should pack it in and find a series that does not appear to be 80% fan service.

I am trying to take criticism well, but anyone telling me "give up because this might be too hard for you" will, respectfully, find that particular advice ignored. If I were the type to give up that easily I would have just killed myself years ago.

>You might actually find things out that you were taking for granted. The background could be a thing. Is this one of those 'Everyone settles their fights, even on the political level, through a sport.' settings?

Well, no. It's just a professional sport, exactly like horse-racing or boxing. It's just a popular and successful one.

Honestly it is kind of funny that people who do ask questions like this, with sincere attempt to help me, result in me going "no, the setting is not that interesting. It's just assfights." Still, I will soldier on.

>That'd be a bit more interesting, might be a way around the bland without making it such a bland Jump.

The more I think on this, the more appeal it has. I will almost certainly have to start over from scratch now.

>I admit, my research ended on the manga. But I am extremely inclined to avoid actually watching NHK programming if I can. For personal reasons.
Then why the fuck are you doing this if you don't want to put the effort into it.

>danger and an overarching plot to go together with the power levels and fanservice

So by that logic Queen's Blade shouldn't be banned?

I'm glad you're still continuing in spite of a few people being assholes. I liked your work in the past and I hope to see you make something good again.

>If I were the type to give up that easily I would have just killed myself years ago.
Way to go overboard there, drama llama. How the fuck do you go from jump criticism to suicide.

>If I were the type to give up that easily I would have just killed myself years ago.

Don't you think its a little bit dramatic to imply there was a possibility you would die on your sword for boobs and ass

But-but DDanon made it! How could we possibly have something he made on the drive! You take those vile words back you fiend.

>be banned?
Unbanned

But user

He is fighting for his life and his hometown.