"After many trials and tribulations you have finally made it to the inner sanctum of Septius, the Harbinger...

>mage casts dispel
>crossbow dude fires again
>fighter prepares a charge

>campaign's ultimate villain is the ruthless pet dragon of a dead goddess

Are you me?

But for real, at the thread subject, if they're there to murder the fucker I usually don't expect anything less than this. You should just roll for initiative the instant they see your really bad dude, and show how much of a bad dude he is by having him monologue while he bats the party around like a bored cat

youtube.com/watch?v=7D8zu1hcSis

"Your bolt passes through Septius with no resistance, only making him appear pixelated for a moment. He continues to speak."
>he's actually invisible and standing behind the party

My players don't interrupt me and I don't interrupt them. We have respect for one another.

With that being said, if a player did that, I would wait for them to finish their outburst, finish the monologue if it was anything important, and move on. After the session, I would remind them that they're not the only person in the game and they should be mindful of the others' experience.

I'm not much for aggrandizement though so I have yet to have a villainous monologue.

You're right. It's much better if the PCs surround him as he is monokoguing and then all move in to kick his ass!!

How the fuck did my BBEG get his hands on an Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill?

>Have combat reflexes
>Have Cut From The Air feat
>Destroy that bolt
>"Now, harbinger, I saved your life so you owe me a life debt..."
>Wink at the crossbow user

With our rock bottom first time buyers discount and competitive low interest installment plans thats how!

Aperature Science knows, heck first hand in most cases, that sometimes you need right now something that you can't really pay until later. It happens, it's not a big deal. Nobody should make fun of you for that.
We all understand that sometimes you have good years, and sometimes you accidentally coat a range of toys in an antibacterial coating that turns into pyroclastic napalm when exposed to saliva.

It happens.

We've all been there.

So, here at Aperature Science were more than willing to take you on credit as long as you're willing to put your money where your mouth is and sign a commiserate deposit, I don't know all the details my lawyers handle that. Talk to them.

All I know is I'm not even allowed in an nursery on the entire west coast by federal injuction.

I'm Cave Johnson.

I know this isn't /v/, but I couldn't help but think of the ending of Killzone 2 when reading that.

No, see, you're supposed to have him give the speech over telepathy or wizard intercom or something ON THE WAY to his inner sanctum.

>"Son, that crossbow wouldn't even scratch the paint on my first form's health bar. Now are you gonna listen to the speech your GM prepared or not?"

>Remind them that talking is a free action for enemies as well as for PCs.
>Break out my three times as long monologue to punish the interruuption.

>Interrupt the BBEG with my own long-ass speech
Two can play at this game motherfucker.

>tfw you can't read it without hearing his voice

>old timely rap battle happens >they take turns one upping each other about their power
>diss each other about their useless feats
>bard lays down sick beat boxing sounds to the fighter slapping his sword against his shield
>rap battle finishes with crossbow guy and bbeg gasping for air after spitting so much game
>wizard used the entire time to buff himself and ends the BBEG.

>After The Perpetual Testing Initiative, Cave Prime has the Greg and the Lab Boys modify the Multi-Universe device to extend it's range
>Now instead of just accessing Parallel Universes, it can access any Alternate Universes
>Aperture Science Products start appearing In Fantasy and Lower tech level Sci-fi universe,
>Aperture Science Products get a huge boost of sophistication when Cave Prime jump starts an initiative to send Test subjects to high Tech Level Sci-fi universes to steal their stuff and reverse engineer it
>Cave Prime Avoids the Moon rock poisoning induced death of his counterpart In the Portal/Halflife by undergoing the Transformation to become a Lich and Run Aperture Science for eternity
>Fantasy Necromancers now have skeletons running around with Aperture Science Turrets in their ribcage as their guards
>Space Ship battles have brought back boarding ships, as Army's can instantly reach the Surface of a ship by splotching it with Moonrock Geletin, and Using The Aperture Science Portal Device to get on.
>Aperture becomes the Multiversal Equivalent of the ACME corporation.

>Septius falls to his knees, blood pouring rapidly from his chest
>Coughing up blood, he says, "And I was just about to tell you about my dead man's switch."
>The entire building explodes
>TPK
>GM explains in the epilogue how Septius had already completed his plan 35 minutes ago.

Just as planned.

>GM gets beat up
>Players collectively retcon their victory

Just as expected, faggot.

>GM actually has an immunity to poison ivy and has applied the toxic oil all over his body and now all the players have terrible rashes where they beat him
Just as keikakued.

Fair enough. I wouldn't actually do the last bit, I just wanted to make a Watchmen reference.

If the players fail to question why the BBEG is approaching them alone and defenseless then that's their own fault.

user, I...I love you.

I'mma steal this sheit.

I am about 482% positive that Cave Johnson actually posted this.

"You kill him. He's dead. No save, for realsies. No clones, no hidden masters, no pets or underlings going into a rage. Here's the equipment he had on him and take x XP each. So what do you do now?"

youtube.com/watch?v=c0g79dLyS0s
Level up, hi-five everyone, celebratre, then offer to run the next campaign while the DM wonder if his passive-aggressiveness wasn't a bit wasted.

Video related.

Best way to handle this is how Metal Gear Rising did it.

When Sam wanted to monologue at Raiden, he did it from a distance via holograms.

When Armstrong wanted to monologue at Raided, he did it *WHILE* he was beating the shit out of him, not before.
youtube.com/watch?v=LmWQd8zhEg4

After all, talking is a free action, so there's no reason not to have the villain give his villainous monologue *DURING* combat.

>spend hours trying to think of evil guy name for campaign
>sepitus sounds cool
>think I'm sort of original till I see this thread

Who are you. Is this wenzel? Where are you hiding in my house when I run game?

This happened once. The boss in question didn't think the player character he had specifically set up to be out of magic so he could gloat at leisure to be stupid enough to try Charm Person on a high-level warlock.

Bump

We already had this thread.

>see some angry guys barge into my fort
>they've killed most of my people
>hm... what's the most logical thing to do here?
>Save myself? Kill myself before they get me? Set a trap for the bad guys? Delete my porn? Write a note saying how much I love my family?
>Nah
>I know! I'll read a speech to the assassins!
It's OK, the gloater is a decoy to throw the party off and give time to prepare an ambush/escape.

A Multiversal Aperture Science campaign where you play as Aperture Science Employees, (Test Subjects, Lab boys, Lawyers, and Marketing boys) and go around doing whatever Aperture requires you to do at the time. This could Range from:
>Advertising Aperture Products
>Securing deals for Aperture product trade (from fantasy BBEGs to Sci-fi galactic federations to singular planets fighting a rebellion against alien invaders)
>Installing said Products and helping the customer figure out how to make the best use of it
>Repossessing assets from customers who fail to adhere to the payment contract either due to Lack of funds or incapacitatin conditions, such as death or permanent destruction
>"Borrowing" high tech lookin thingies from other universes in the name of Science
>Destroying the occasional Eldritch/Demonic monster from Hell Dimensions that decide to try and eat other dimensions (no other universes means no customers, and that's bad for business)

This needs to be a thing.