Useless magic items for a pathfinder tabletop setting?

>Used as the lynchpin in a Rube Goldberg machine.

Combine with an automated system to Detect Magic and to discharge the wand at a preselected stick, and you now have a magical form of memory that doesn't invoke SkeletonSoft's legions of lich lawyers.

Old, classic example: Potion of Uselessness. It's a potion, alright; but it can't be drunk, does nothing to objects, can't be anointed, the gods don't want it... in effect, it seems to be useless.
Yes, that is a reference.

Wallhanger of +5 Impressiveness: You get +5 to performance rolls to make people think you're using a legitimate weapon when wielding this. "Wallhanger", in this case, means any fake sword or fake weapon that's too ornate, odd or overbuilt to ever be used as a proper weapon.

Rod of Disintegration
>Immediately turns to dust upon use

Ring of Invisibility
>Ring turns invisible when placed on finger

my GM had a few other funny ones for our first encounter with an amateur enchanter

afaik wands require a spellcaster or someone proficient in umd

I do love how ADOM rewards you for finding the use of the potion of uselessness.

Rock that increases your carrying capacity by 15 lbs. It weighs 15 lbs

A free large rock to throw at things

Cast shrink or some other weight-reduction spell on it.

Wand of Paizo Favoritism (Makes Martials suck and Casters godly.)

An illusionary light source, whose light doesn't illuminate anything and can only be seen by the user.

That's incredibly useful the fuck you talking about. It's a flashlight that can't be detected by enemies.

...

What part of 'its light doesn't illuminate anything' is unclear?

d20pfsrd.com/extras/community-creations/black-flame-studios-lab/useless-magic-items

There's another link full of useless items, but i goofed and didn't bookmark it.

Stilettos of Shortening
>Fancy boots that shorten you by the height of their heel when worn. (noncumulative)

Wand of Minor Displacement
>A wand that displaces a

That's indistinguishable from a regular stick then
I could go pick up a stick from the woods and claim it's that wand

Book of obvious knowledge
>Simple leather bound book with empty pages that fill with bits of information the reader already knew when opened.

>Wand of character points
This wand is made of solidified character points. Only useful in the system "Hero System".

What happens if multiple poeple read it?

It fills itself with obvious information that all the current readers know collectively. It then insults the readers for trying to cheat.

Nigger, that's a journal that automatically writes things
It could be used to write down facts so you don't forget them
It could be given someone you want to interrogate. Nothing about it says that the user has to be willing

Apple tree roots make good prop wands

Not exactly useless, but a game example of highly limited use in-game.

Posting for an user I screencapped awhile back in a similar thread.

>some guy finds this and carries it the whole campaign waiting for a giant spider boss
>finally gets to a cave coated in sticky webbing
>it's a giant silkworm

>nanometer precision machining now possible
Vertical Mills here we come

>Wand of Detect Magic.
Upon use, the wand can detect magic. The wielder, however cannot.

Useless as in actually useless? Or useless for adventuring and combat? Because I got plenty of the second.
Stick of Cleaning: It would be a wand, but it's actually a wonderous item using a nerfed form of prestidigitation. It cleans things.
Icy Chest: It's a box that keeps things cold/frozen.
Ore Diviner: A crystal pendent that is activated to point towards the nearest vein of ore. Comes in multiple variants for different ores.
Paintbrush of Plagiarism: This brush never runs out of paint and can switch between colors at will. But you can never paint an original piece, and it's always an obvious forgery.
Gameball of Patriotic Success: A ball for a game, always slightly deflated. Activating it guarantees your team a win, including compelling officials to rule in your favor.
Figurine of the City Smashing Lizard: A six inch tall statue of some giant lizard looking thing, upon activation it attempts to destroy the nearest city. It's still six inches tall however.

or
>Wand of Detect Magic
The wand detects as magic

Ouch, was that patriots dig really needed?

>magic lube
it is like regular lube except there is absolutely zero friction and you can never ever get it off
>cup only the gods can drink from
well it's annoying as hell but still a very powerful item
>fairy repellent potion
it would be useful if there were fairies

>Always nearly misses what it's aiming at
>Nearly misses

So... it hits the target by a narrow margin?

It's close enough that if a close friend or family member were watching they'd claim it to barely hit.

It always deals minimum damage. But its good for a bonus to intimidate.

If it always nearly misses, and therefore hits (even with your stipulation, and that of the person before you), then what defines the target?

If I'm standing in the middle of a room with a dartboard on the North wall, and I shoot South with the intention of hitting the dartboard, do I hit the target?

You somehow manage to shoot it backwards, barely hitting the dartboard. Everyone agrees that you're a one lucky idiot.

That's an incredibly useful item.

Ah, so its a signal in the dark the only the user can see?

Yes.

>Poison arrowhead
>Fire arrow with the intention of hitting high value target
>???
>Profit!

I assume the bow has a range limit, else you basically just created a medieval Death Note

But what if "nearly miss" means you barely hit the part that doesn't matter when hit? Like a sleeve or some shit.

Bow of boomerang arrows.

In that case, perhaps you could attach an object to the arrow and have a wizard enchant it with a proximity trap that suits your needs.

But I assume the magical nature of the bow allows it to understand your desire, and aiming it at a person would constitute a scratch of some sort.

>never run out of arrows
I fail to see the problem

But then you risk the bow's enchantment sending the arrow just close enough that the proximity trap nearly misses.

Spam it in all directions of a dark room at the same time and it becomes a cheap sonar.

Wand of Nothing

It does nothing

Spiked Gauntlet of healing.
Deals 1d4 damage.
Heals equal to damage done.

Equip to nerd mage with negative strength modifier. Heal 3/4ths of a point of damage per combat round on average. For freeeeeee.

>Useless magic items for a pathfinder tabletop setting?

Dagger of healing. Normal dagger damage plus 1d4 of healing.
Bracers of here and there. Bracers teleport with a command word and switch places. (Just the Bracers)
Saucepan of infinite flavor. A saucepan that, with a concentration check, recreates a meal that the pc using it has had in their lifetime.
Bore top. With a spin, the top will never stop spinning unless hit or knocked over. Can drill through a foot of dirt in one day if left undisturbed. (Wind can knock it over)
Book of remembrance. Records the exploits of the person holding it. Upon getting a new owner, it reverts to a blank book.
Call of the wild. Summons a random hostile(to all) animal.

It heals equal to the damage done. Less damage, less healing.

Invisible rings can be used as invisible brass knuckles.

>Orb of slope detection: just an orb. it rolls
>Ring of Might: When asked a question, the ring gives an ambiguous answer
>Wand of Raise Dead: once cast the nearest dead body will levitate
>Potion of Spider Climb: while under its effect the user can perfectly climb any spider, giant or otherwise.
>Invisible Pen: its a pen that is perfectly invisible
>Orb of Miner Destruction: if thrown at a person who considers themself a miner by profession, or who is mining, it will destroy them immediately. also effective against youth.
Orb of Major Destruction: destroys anybody who has the rank of Major

I had an entire joke dungeon made filled with stupid shit like this for a fun little one off. called it the crypt of Juice Laser.

>Dagger of Healing
Torture device.

>Dagger of Healing
It's possible to get some sort of ability - I think it's a Paladin of Devotion thing - that gives the maximum value of any healing you perform.

Call it an acupuncture needle.

>Bracers of Here & There
Signalling.

>Saucepan of Infinite Flavour
Straight-up useful.

>Bore Top
Timer.

>Book of Remembrance
Personal journal and reference diary.

>Call of the Wild
Shock & awe tactic, good for sneaky types who won't be noticed by any party.

>Orb of Slope Detection
Divination focus.

>Ring of Might
Decoy.

>Wand of Raise Dead
Floating platform.

>Potion of Spider Climb
You just KNOW there's going to be a spider dungeon.

>Invisible Pen
Shiv under duress.

>Orb of Miner Destruction
Immortal's weapon of choice; all are young in the face of eternity.

so many possibilities!

so many possibilities too!

after reading through all the stuff people consider "useless", I realized these people are just as devoid of imagination as my bed is devoid of live Eva Green
which is sad

But this stick glows when I cast Detect Magic on it

>live Eva Green
>live
so you say you have enough dead ones lying around?

what can say, the fact the took away my medical license doesn't mean I forgot how to do plastic surgery

Those first two are extremely useful.
That lube would be able to increase output and building availability of wind mills by not requiring as much water to spin it or increasing the speed the stone would crush things by reducing the energy lost between the water/air and the grindstone. Secondly, you would be able to build trains without any technology. Just get oxen to pull along rails at a steady rate.

As for the cup, that's one way of appeasing the gods by guaranteeing no one can steal their offerings. Or use it as a gambling tool like Thor and Útgarða-Loki's drinking horn.

Ring of Sustenance. Doesn't affect gameplay, ever.