Hello, welcome back to 'Whose Loot is it Anyway' the thread where everything's made up and the elves don't matter

>Hello, welcome back to 'Whose Loot is it Anyway' the thread where everything's made up and the elves don't matter

>Next suggestion: 'Things you can say about the party healer, but not your girlfriend'

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=cwyVV5_orBo
twitter.com/SFWRedditGifs

"She sure has the best staff out of all of us, let me tell you."

"The calloused hands of a seasoned veteran"

"She knows how to use her hands."

"thanks for being there for me when I needed you"

"thanks for fulfilling a role and actually bringing something to the table in this relationship"

"thanks for not fighting over every little fucking detail of the role disparity we were born into and when I ask you to heal me your reaction wasn't to declare yourself a stealthy rogue and vanish from middle school to your mid 20's before you realize you were a healer all along and a shitty one at that for a long time because of that rejection"

"oh yeah sorry. I wasn't listening at all. what were you saying?"

"having you here in a group has really made everything about this endeavor go smoother."

She's never dug around in my guts.

She exists

>And his blowjobs are amazing!

Someone's bitter.

>"Oh thanks, I finally feel good!"

>The players have to attend a social function, like a ball or gala

[Rogue dances autistically]

My girlfriend is the party healer, what do I do?

...

"Finally! I can roll to seduce!"

>"I don't care how charismatic you think you are Dave, I doubt the King wants a Barbarian stealth-cleaning his castle."

>entire party immediately starts scamming and pickpocketing people

>The least suitable person is sent to the gala
>The street sammy shows up in full kit, decked out with tools of the trade and enough weaponry to set off the detectors at the 'Shack down the street
>It's a costume party
>everybody thinks the "costume" is great
>cue 40 minutes of the sammy being awkward around party goers

F-fine thanks
J-just taking a breather
*sips cocktail*

>Invisibility
>Detect Thoughts
>Ventriloquism
>???
>Profit!

Good times were had by some.

>"The Goliath wants to know if pants are required for the ball."
>"For the last time yes they are required."
>"Okay, well now he says he has to acquire the very best pants. Does anyone know what that means?"

Why is the bard off shagging the princess? At her wedding celebration? Can't I leave you people alone for 15 minutes without you all devolving into drunken, perverts? ...Where is the cleric?

It makes me feel better, when you use that magic wand on me.

...

Since when did "the bard shagging everything" become a thing, and where can I find more the bard shagged x stories?

"I roll to make out with the princess heheheh."

The sorcerer immediately inquires whether it would be possible to;
- Just run a premade
- Stop this RP-shit and just roll persuade

Is it offensive to do the robot when there's warforged present?

>I disguise myself as wearing a tuxedo
>But dude you're wearing plate?
>Fine fine, a metal tuxedo

Everyone goes full gear and all weapons equiped.

I'm sorry user, there are good womens there... I hope...

>tfw the paladin dragged my fighter along to a ball and made her wear a dress.

Paladin needed a date and no one else was available. My only diplomatic skill was intimidate. Cue an hour or two of the fighter cornering several party goers at the punch bar and talking vividly about her gruesome triumphs and mishaps as an adventurer. They were too scared to excuse themselves. She had also managed to smuggle a battle axe and no less than 8 daggers in with her.

You will find a good grill, I have made it so. Be patient and watchful, my son, and happiness will find you.

>Things you can find in your bard's bedroom but not in a dragon's treasure hoard

kys

2 dragons

Oil of Slipperiness

> Guy's a total bro!

traps

No!

>you get to see the normally rugged females of your party wear pretty dresses.

"She's always there when I need her, and asks almost nothing in return"

Dragon dildo

Well, then make it so for me too. Got pretty disappointed by the (now) ex.

>cue beast rider still being wary of forks and being confused at the array of utensils, as well as the clear things the drinks are in

A princess there by her own free will.

Lots of lute.

I think that's the winner.

A copy of how to win friends and influence people

Everyone except the Ranger and Fighter goes. The Ranger sits inside a yurt outside the city walls. The Fighter is a magic robot who is disliked by society, and is playing cards with the Ranger. The Ranger has no fancy clothes, and doesn't really know the local customs.

A giant chest.

Ha. Gay.

Not for me, user.

the dragon's phone number

The missing princess

Giant dragon dildo

A firepit fueled entirely by "dear father" letters written in draconic.

A really cool waterbed which can count as a hot tube

What do parties do with a drunken sailor?

Sail

Shave his balls with a rusty razor, then lock him in the cabin with the capitans daughter.

Turn him out in a pretty dress.

That depends on if the GM intended informed the players about the sailor on the first or second description of the room.

Because if it's the first, the players will ignore the drunken, loose-lipped sailor despite the plot relevant information he is spewing from his mouth in accordance with as much alcohol as he is putting down it.

If it's the second, the players will make the next month of games revolve around this sailor that the GM made up on the spot, because obviously the bitter ramblings of a drunken man will lead to an all-powerful revelation about their arch-nemesis.

Make a persuasion check to convince him that he is not, in fact, a drunken sailor, but that he is a seafaring philanthropist here to make a large donation to the local adventurer's committee... err-lie-in-tha-mooor-ning.

Send him out as point man. Nothing can possibly resist the might of Liquid Courage.

Employ him, seeing as how one character is the Captain and I'm playing the Drunken Sailor.

Is it early in the morning?

...

Draw dicks on his face.

>What do parties do with a drunken sailor?
Rub in some white chalk to give a nice pallor,
Make some fake fangs for when we bring him in later,
Cash the bounty, bounce town, off to 'ventures greater.

Put 'im bed with the captin's daughter

Push him off the dock, and drag him out after 5 seconds.

>most rugged woman in the party shows up in princely clothing, much to the disappointment of the men in the party
>and much to the delight of curiously unbetrothed youngest princest

Win

>princest

Say nothing, say everything

I'm okay with this typo. Long lost eldest daughter and possibly rightful heir to the kingdom unknowingly beds her youngest sister.

It's like a /u/ themed Oedipus Rex. Only with less murder, suicide, and self-mutilation. Hopefully.

gotta keep that bloodline pure somehow, user.

You know it, baby~

Given it's only one generation of incest going on and would by necessity need magic to work out, such shit wouldn't happen.

worst iteration of this thread type ever

>most rugged woman in the party shows up in princely clothing, much to the disappointment of the men in the party
>disappointment

I was bouncing off of the user who wanted to see the rugged women in dresses, so i had to assume that the men in the party had shit taste. Also it makes the next line a bit more potent..

Fun fact: Captain's daughter is actually a euphemism for the cat o'nine that was used to discipline sailors, because it was kept in the captain's quarters and the penalty for tampering with it was losing a hand.

>the penalty for tampering with it was losing a hand.
Sounds about right.

Wizard's favourite war cry

>Fire Blast, cyka blyat!

Huh!

>THIS is where I put my shotgun!

Triggered

Tennis ball!
Tennis ball!
Tennis ball!

>"You dare to challenge Elthin'dal Tu-user, master of the arcane arts, champion of the ivory towers of Elthan, owner of the legendary spellbook of kro-thac toon? Prepare to face your- wait did you guys kill him before I finished?!"

Wizards are wordy bastards.

I cast... Oh no wait that will hit you. Um, I cast.... No wait that won't work.... hold no.... let me look through my spells.... I delay

ZAP MUTHAFUCKA!

oh shit, out of spells, OUT OF SPELLS

youtube.com/watch?v=cwyVV5_orBo

...

>objects you shouldn't awaken

The bard's bed.

The dragon's hoard.

The warforged barbarian

The Tank.