ITT: describe your current character in a single quote

"Everybody makes mistakes. People take jobs to feed their families, even when those jobs are less than morally solid. Other times people are conscripted into causes they don't support, forced to fight for evil they don't believe in. As a result, I'm giving you the next thirty seconds to abandon your post and run into the forest. This is your grace period. There will not be another."

"If i worried about half the things i should worry about, i'd be too busy worrying to create stuff to worry about"

>I may be a dumbass, I may be have some coward vibes, but I still have enough guts, spite and honor to do it! Oh, look, lolis. Bueeenoo...

>What is your purpose behind pursuing Darksbain, the avatar of destruction?

>He owes me money.

"Billy Mays here! And I can save your soul today with our new Orphan Donation Toys!"

"Eating children in public is kind of a crime. *sigh*"
>the local wizard then cast meteor rain on the retard

...

>look, i know i shouldnt be complaining, i achieved my goals, i have complete dominion over the region, and last but not least i have some of my biggest opponents, your friends, at my mercy.

>and i know you are trying to stop me and thwart my plans, i really do.

>But can you, FOR ONCE!

>GIVE ME, AN ACTUAL, GODS-BE-DAMNED, CHALLENGE!

>I have many reasons to help people, but do I really need even one?

He's a sweetheart.
A genocidal, trickster god tier, plotting, manipulating killer-of-gods-by-proxy, but a sweetheart.

"You have nothing to worry about, your enemies can't afford to bribe me."

>"Life is just a long freefall from a vagina into a grave."

"I'm not going to talk you into walking out of a camp where you've been held captive by a Dragon cult. Rescue your fucking self."

"I'm going to eat your fucking face and use garden pliers to rip your nipples off."

He's a poetic kinda guy.

"Please don't hurt me, I swear, I was tricked. I have nothing to do with these people, they halfling-napp- Oh, he's dead? HAH, SERVES YOU RIGHT, WEAKLING!"

I'm literally intelligent, nihilistic with a wicked sense of humor

Character at campaign start: "*sigh* Toffee, for the 27th and hopefully last time, let the nice paladin go, his armor isn't for you to eat."

Character currently: "I'm afraid to use this...i hope it works, i've never done this...oh, why couldn't i have learned some normal magic instead of this...abomination."

In response to "I'd like to get to know you better."
"That's my book, I got titties in one hand, and wine in the other. This is about all there is to me."

"Forever DM".

"I love knots!"

Greetings battle brother!

"I swear I'll do anything unspeakable things to that crystal dildo that calls itself a "god" if I have to go through every plane of existence and through every one these so-called actual gods three times, no one makes me kill myself and lives, for long anyway."

"Man, fuck this shit. Why do I keep letting you gringos talk me into this?"

>Ya know, sarge, I'm thinkin' joinin' tha Guard ta get sum meanin' to the fightin' wasn't a cleva' idea.

>Technology just WANTS TO BE FREE.

"I smile at her while playing my bongo drums, and tell her, '22 Charisma, baby!'"

"It's not against my vows to be seduced by the dragon."

Knowledge lives at the razor's edge, between life and death!

"You've torn my home apart, now I'll come and get you and your's.I wonder, where do you go to when you die in Hell? Well, I guess when I get to you, time will tell."

>"The world would be so much easier to deal with if you would all please just stop the pretense, and go back to open war with each other. Really. This peace malarkey is just ridiculous"

>If just a tiny delving into a dreamscape filled with daemons mind-breaks you this much, don't try salvia.

This said while using a barometer to compare the atmospheric pressure of a nightmare to the one of the real world. He's a man of science, not a balanced one.

"Your stupid and useless spells are as stupid as they are useless."

"Freeing Satan seems kind of sacrilegious, but Hank says it's okay and he's a hero so, I'm sure it'll work out."

"This Barovia place is horribly depressing. I wonder how I got here, and if the Devil Strahd knows who I am. If only I could remember more."

>"You are a worthless sun-ava-beech I loath to call my king. What can I do for ya?"

"Well done my loyal squire, great idea! Just the plan I was about to suggest!"

"Fuck you, I'm a vampire!"

"Bring us the debt, or we wipe away the girl!"

"Fuck it, I'll take the NJP if I'm wrong"

"Death is an inconvenience now! Nothing more! We are all...dead men walking!"

>I will save you, Tiny mammal!

" :bip-bop: "

Greg Universe, except he lives with his dad, works on motorcycles, and developed magical powers to control death and matter after he got into an accident while riding a motorcycle he unknowingly enchanted to be indestructible.

"I'm going to make Phandelver GREAT AGAIN"

"You know, if we cut down the gunner's seat and bump the CROWS mount over to the side, I think we can turn the command hatch into another turret ring."

pretty much this, warned my party by sending this image that yes i'm playing a paladin, and no i will not leave the orphans behind to burn in the fire because "taking them all back to town will be a paaaaain"

"They say home is where you hang your hat! Well, here's my hat! I've lain it! Now I can't abandon my home!"

"The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.""

"This is a Shit Plan. This is a Shit Plan, because it's obviously a Shit Plan"

"You know what? Fuck this. I'm a mercenary not a philosophy major, and neither I nor my coworkers have the time or patients for this shit. Now pay the fucking bill."

"I swear, the instant the world is saved I'm never talking to you fucks again."

Context?

"Pass the M1, please"

"I wouldn't expect a human to understand. I've been working the land before you were even in your mother's womb. This castle is haunted. The grass tells me so."

"I... uh... THAT'S your plan? Wow... now I'm not saying that we CANT do that per se... but I'm pretty sure that at least one of us isn't going to walk away with all our limbs."
Or alternatively,
"I don't mind having a boss, or even just some asshole telling me what to do, but you had better practice what you preach, bitch

>"You know those awful things that happen in Africa that nice people like you are supposed to be informed about and give money to fix?

>"It was me. I did all those terrible things."

Best one in the thread so far.

"Now, sport, I don't believe I've given you the pleasure of making my acquaintance. The names Richard Flagg, also known as Reginald Fortangler or Rupert Finnigan in the South. Perhaps you've heard of Rickart Farce in the European Colonies. How do you do?"

I'm onto you Walter.

Dat glorious feel when no one in your play group understands the reference your making with your character.

tower junkie?

...

"We all have our place in Lord's plan. The common people are his flock, the clergy are the shepherds that keep the sheep from getting stray, from falling victim to the wolves, and then there's couple hounds that run after the wolves to tear their throats out. I'm one such a hound. Good shepherd will know I'm no danger to the sheep. I only chase the wolves."

"What the fuck does the munitorum pay you for you damn moustaches!?"
"What is this pay you speak of sarge?"
Space cossacks are pretty great.

"Freedom without limits is just a word."

No offense but almost every quote here sounds like it's trying to be written by Joss Whedon or Neil Gaiman

"I don't do well in enclosed spaces!"

"Science is how I tell the world 'I love you.'"

What's the first rule of comedy?

"Yes, and...?"

"See what did I tell you. A whole lot of problems go away if you're willing to sit down and talk with people."

"If you don't stop messing with us I'm gonna eat you!"

"The things you consider natural aren't natural to everybody else. I don't care how easy you think it is to cook, killing things is easier for me."

*coding intensifies*

This comparison pleases me.

"I have a massive penis"

>FUCK YOU DEMON MAN

"Legends says that he raped his own mother to concive himself"

Aside - "If we truly have traveled back in time, we mustn't do anything to alter our own..."
To the townsfolk - "My name is Tits McGee."

"C-c-could you stop staring at me..."

"I've run this gig before. Please don't try to use my own tricks on me. It isn't going to work."

"STOP!"*crunch*"BEING!"*crunch*"EVIL!"

>"Fräulein Doktor, i dont think a human being is supposed to act like this"

My current:
>"I'm a professional"
My favorite:
>"I locked him inside a desk"

I live by the Emperor's will, and will die when he permits it.

So you're character is a media critic?

"It's easier done than said"

One of my favourites from an old Robotch game.
The SDF1 had undergone a coup and Internal Security was (trying) to run the show.
The Head of InSec had cornered the party /squad in one of the Med Bays.
*where* doctors had begun brain surgery on my character.
They had been told "he dies - you die" and had changed their minds about letting me pass.
While a doctor and nurse worked on undoing the damage a fight was going on.
My friend Chris when asked by the cocky villain if he had any last words.
Chris said "I do. You die last."
More shooting ensued.
2 of our side were unconscious and all but the head of Security was left on the other side.
I had been rolling for about half the fight each round to wake up.
I finally did and unsure exactly of what I was doing picked up a pistol and made a called shot on the bad guy.
Rolled a natural 30 (we actually had a 30 sided die.)
They died last.
It was so ludicrous and so damned fun.

> I'm buying you a first class ticket for the $#!% train to $#!%ville.

I use an app on my phone for the bleep sound effect.

Healslut?

Currently DM'ing for the following players
> "IF YOU NOT HELP ME, I HIT YOU WITH FISH"
>"I would have helped you if you didn't steal my shit yesterday."
and
>"I loot the twenty griffins I just killed."

Diapers in fog

"Ain't no such thing friends here. Only thing that is real is the money and the miles."

Was that an ECON joke?

"your destiny is calling to you, but it calls collect. Do you accept the charges?"