I need help Veeky Forums. I need to make a villain with good bantz for fucking with my players...

The life you live, since the day of your birth, has served as nothing greater than amusement to me. Every failure. Every victory. Whatever you accomplish is due to my own interference. Everything you fail is because I chose to do nothing.

You exist because I allow it. You will end because I demand it.

What do you say to that other than "no fuk u"?

It's a decently written line, but it's also clearly a line and not an off the cuff comment, which by necessity is what the response will be. I feel like that sort of line, delivered in a tabletop RPG, presents the player with three bad options: agree and give up, disagree but don't respond, disagree and try to say something defiant and eloquent and probably fail because you didn't have the advantage of knowing you were going to say that in advance.

Or don't take it seriously, which is much less hard to roleplay. Hence "no fuk u".

I forget what Commander Shepard said in response. Even with the aid of scriptwriters, I doubt it was much more eloquent.

They're basically linnorms that arbitrarily fly.

I really really dislike when authors/GMs do this.

Like they make some "master strategist" who's actual shit, but wins by handwave. As if the writer didn't research a damn thing about military strategy or the like.

So yeah, per that advice for the OP:
Play a character that you at least reasonably know how to play in real life. Try to imagine quips you could actually say.

I kinda wanna see a villain who does all this because it is part of his character that he thinks he is smarter then he actually is. Anything that goes right for him was usually by some crazy over the top coincidence.

He is essentially the bad guy version of Rincewind, a completely incompetent villain that some god of luck/fate/whatever is giving attention to for the lols. He has no idea and thinks its all according to his plans.

Canned bantz are rarely applicable to the situation.
That said, read through the 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue if you haven't. It might help.

youtu.be/RA6efGfgrW0?t=171

"-Sorry, it's a little hobby of mine. I hear these heroic speeches so often. I started making a mental list of how many times I've heard certain lines".

"Fuck you !!"

"391"

Most writers and GMs know strategy from, at most, games of chess they watched someone play (hence some hare-brained analogies).

It's all about how you present it and make it sound believable somehow, otherwise we'd just restrict ourselves to mundane stuff or fuckoff adventures in fuckoff land.

I no longer have anyone to DM with because I was obsessed with "realistic" and "original" stories that I got too anxious to put out an advneture every week and now I miss that sorely.

Let people have their own fun; I wish someone told me a few years ago that people don't come to an RPG expecting insane standards and unique prose.

They're actually rain gods.

Alternatively, that could be a good antagonist for a comedy oriented campaign. Think of how satisfying it would be to slay someone who talks like that.

"Do you every feel a sense of Deja Vu? You're a tightly-knit group of four people with good intentions, and I'm a single man who fights you at every turn. Can you feel it? Can you feel the spirits of a thousand good men directing your hand, pushing you forward, giving you the strength to go on?

I feel it. I can feel a thousand screaming specters of wicked men who failed and died at the hands of people like you! I can feel them pushing *my* hands, I can hear them crying out for *your* deaths!

We're stuck in a never-ending cycle, I can see it now! Selflessness manifests on one side, and selfishness on the other. I threw my lot in with selfishness, and I know what's going to happen to me now!

Ha, come on! Fight me! Throw me into that screaming well of souls! And when the next dirty bastard rises up and challenges you, I'll be there, hollering in his ear!"

But people that are nowhere near as intelligent as they think they are tend to be the most hilarious people to fight.

Depending on the setting, you can also have them deal intelligence/willpower/sanity/etc damage as the players try to figure out their utterly retarded brand of "logic"

Realistic and original isn't actually that hard. It's just most companies take the easy route of doing something they've seen before.

If you do the opposite, something you haven't seen before. Then consider how it might work realistically in the fantasy world. You do well.

But it takes creativity. That's what separates the good GMs from the mediocre.

Autism

and then the party barbarian calls your villain a faggot for his fedora tipping monologue.

There's really no good videos to share, but my players' favorite villain is one I based heavily on Hades from Kid Icarus Uprising. His bantz are god-tier, so I strongly recommend playing it.

"Let it be. For after we are all long gone, there will be others, good men and women to combat the likes of you. And as we cast you down, they will decry your legacy.
And we will be there, guiding their hands"

All I can think of is the villain keeping a massive, badass spy network just to listen in on shit to banter with the PCs about.

saltandsanctuary.wiki.fextralife.com/Scarecrow
Has some pretty badass and non-specific villainous lines.

It's really got to be character-specific, or it means nothing.
There was an Open Palm monk in one of my parties who was asked why he didn't seek out a wife. His answer was that you couldn't have an open palm while holding onto a loved one.
My fighter, who had a wife, helpfully pointed out that the monk had two hands.

The jab has a few critical components:
>Truth
>Brevity
>...TIMING!

Look to these, my son, and yours will be the burns that scorch your players.

That's Nyarlathotep tier

Reverse Insult Duel
Players give the GM insults for the villain to use. Target gets -1 penalty for 1 action or 1 round/turn, +1 damage vs. villain for rest of combat. Villain has +N improved armor class that drops by 1 for each insult until it gets to zero.

>get into argument with my dad once
>he literally busts out "yeah well I fucked your mother!"
>tfw there was literally nothing I could come back with because he actually DID fuck my mother

Villain becomes a favored enemy insult by insult, permanently, does not end upon the villains death.

You need to one up him, user.

You know what to do.

Holy fuck. This is viciously unfunny. Why do people waste time watching this shit? They could be googling trivia info, or researching ways to get the fuck out of their mom's basement.

Just give your bad guy tourettes, teleportation, and a battle plan that consists of jumping out of closets and hitting the players in the knees with a stick, then teleport before they can actually retaliate.

Else you're gonna have to come up with some sick burns yourself.

Yeah I read that on funnyjunk too.

>researching ways to get the fuck out of their mom's basement.

What's your excuse?

Also don't fucking bullshit to me like you're living on a 6 digit incom. If you were would you REALLY be here?

Well, that's just like, your opinion man.

Damn. Someone's get a pepper in their pooper.