Veeky Forums please, I need your help. A tribe of short...

Is this 3.PF?

Because if so then my only answer is "haha you're screwed."

It may be the only remaining option is to embrace The Way of The Bounce.

>Our party's mage is a witch too,

Alternatively, find some curvy fertility deity, and start shrine-building all around the castle.

Eventually build up enough favor to start rebuking the smalltitzen for their interference with castle family life.
>They try to mist walk.
Gaia wrecks them.

>Build shrine to Shub-Niggurath
>Loli-witches tyring to enter castle get devoured by Dark Young of the Black Goat of the Woods
'Course, now your castle's taken over by Datk Young. You probably should get rid of those somehow.

>witches
Suffer not the witch to live.

Get the hose.

A little cold running water will show 'em who's boss.

Welp, time for shrines to Yog-Sothoth. That'll solve everything. Honest.

No need to build anything! Just grab a big banner, paint the Yellow Sign on it and raise it high for all to see!

Hastur would just fucking put the flattywitches right back in the castle. Then he'd leave. He'd just leave.

Don't you go dissin' and presumin' to know the intentions of the God of Shepherds.

>he's crying about it here
We're going to melt cheese into your socks next. Get ready loser.

Dress her up in pink, insist that she's a "good witch." Remind them that everyone knows good witches wear pink. Your average rabble will go along with anything if an important-looking person implies you'd have to be stupid not to.

Use magic to transform them into voluptuous, scantily-clad babes. That way people will overlook the fact that they're rude and you can go broke in style.

>Dress her up in pink
I read this as "drink up her piss".

But I'm pretty sure if you use the word "witch", the exact opposite of anything you want is going to happen, where medieval peasants are concerned.

I wish my GM would do something as creative and funny as that.

Have you tried murder?

I pay a shrine maiden to push their shot in and tell her it's an incident.

>witches
NO
SUCH
THING
Even your own party member is lying to you! Witches don't exist!

>Arrive at castle
>All the lolis are wearing pink

Yeah, if they have advance warning it won't work.

Which they will, because loli-witches.

They're probably watching you masturbate right now.

Make biscuits, dress your best. Politely announce yourself at the castle and request to join them for a tea to parley. Don't bring up the topic of them moving out of the castle yet, just ask them about their plans and goals and make small talk. Actually don't raise any requests at all just yet. Just be nice and observe.

Make sure the biscuits are poisoned though. Just in case.

You're playing against genre in that case. It'll fail

You fail at parley.
By what godforsaken genre do you run by that a person bringing biscuits to a tea party would be turned down?

Now the follow up of this plan is to wait couple days. At least two but no more than a week. And come to parley again. You can bring one other person with you. But don't forget cookies or some pastry. Ask the witches what happened since the last time, don't make strict demands. Now they should give you more freedom to move around castle without suspecting you or trying to get in your way. So just look around estimate damages. They're probably not cleaning up, make sure to point it out, but don't expect them to start.

Knowing Hastur, he'd probably AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

How powerful is your party mage? You could set up a Glyph of Warding containing an Antimagic Field and set up some sort of lure for the witches inside a sealable cell; I'm imagining something like a setting-appropriate paddy wagon. Depending on the system (I'm going based on D&D 5e for the time being) that gives you an hour to carry them off and either dump them in a lake or at least throw them in a properly-warded prison, depending on how you and your party feel about dealing with witches. If your party mage can't cast 8th-level spells, perhaps take a portion of your fortune and use it to hire someone who can.

Giving each of them a sound spanking and a stern lecture would be another alternative.

>By what godforsaken genre do you run by that a person bringing biscuits to a tea party would be turned down?

The only way your plan works is if you change the genre by shooting one of the witches in the head with a giant gun.
Now you're in Hellsing land, where you can serve tea to your enemies and they'll drink it.

Without that, you're stuck running slice of life errands and resolving the witches interpersonal disputes and feelings of inadequacy.

Summon air elementals, throw them out again. When they try to Mist back in, blow them away.

>Hellsing land
>tea and biscuits
yes we can

Son, you get the idea. Now, I want you to get in your twin-engine fighter, practice your BFMs and energy conservation, and teach those Witches why BVR is God's gift to steelwings.

It's better than those Nazi deathtraps. Rockets and fuel, what were they thinking?

Hellsing is pure unadulterated entertainment.

I still maintain that the sexiest character in all of anime is a fucking mute shirtless Nazi officer werewolf.

>I still maintain that the sexiest character in all of anime is a fucking mute shirtless Nazi officer werewolf.
But are you a grill?

No. That's what confused me the most.

...

>You fail at parley.

You fail at pest removal.

...Alright.

We've tried playing nice. We've tried playing naughty. Veeky Forums has no other choice.

SEND IN OINKBANE!

It's not gay if it's the Captain.

No one's 100% straight, user.

Forgot my image, but it doesn't matter. This just means I'm spreading my love for this magnificent badass across two posts.

>Not wanting the Major instead
What are you?

Subtle. Perhaps too subtle.

The Major is someone you want to be best friends with.

user, would you fuck a toaster?

I don't know about that user, but I like Schroedinger more because I'm a pleb like that.

The answer to both questions is in the beauty of war.

And what better war is there than LOVE?!

If the toaster was more human than most of the characters in the series, then maybe.

Remember what board you're on, homes.

...

Everything that magnificent bastard said was glorious. He was just so great to listen to.

Didn't the DvD release come with his speech with one of those singalong subtitle things at the bottom in the special features?

>Loli-witches tyring to enter castle get devoured by Dark Young of the Black Goat of the Woods
Last I heard Shub-Niggy only "eats" shotas

Is there a reason "eats" is in quotes?

That's not even the sexiest anime Nazi. He has nothing on Stroheim

youtube.com/watch?v=6xU1W5iLsgM

Yes.

Yes

You must have missed a particularly delicious doujin....

Police Girl!

Seras was a special kind of boner fuel.

Still can't compete with mein Captain.

With big titties!

Find their matriarch and complain that she raised her family to be a bunch of little shits. If she continues, have the local authorities arrest them.

Take off your shirts and assert dominance.
If that doesn't work, fool them with a childish game.
If that don't work, smoke em' out with some bad smell or a spooky item.
And as a last resort, throw your ethics out the window and kill them with your bare hands.

keep the cutest one get rid of the rest

if they are of age, put a baby in them, they won't be flat chested for long

No user, Yupiel keeps YOU

Im okay with this

To understand the loli witches you have to be a loli witch first.

Time to grab a polymorph.

Is that really her name? Yuppy-el?

PURGE THEM IN LIVING FLAME

yep

That middle one, down the page a bit. You can really see it.

Is that with a short or a long U?

I always pronounced it You-pee-el

Have you considered the nuclear option?

You have a cleric and a paladin?

It's simple. Drink a bunch and have the cleric turn your bladder to holy water, then waltz into the DM's magical realm.

When they try to do lewd things, just whip it out and piss holy justice upon them!

Have you considered actually stooping to their level?

Find someone that can polymorph you, become more smug than they ever could.

The problem, as I see it, is that they are witches and thus magical too, so anyone you find to polymorph you might actually be one of them polymorphed so you wouldn't recognize them.

There's no telling how far this conspiracy goes. They might not just be squatters in this dudes family home. They could be running the government! Maybe the local orc hordes, too. My god, they could even be behind the neighborhood princess eating dragon!

They could even be you!

That shouldn't be a problem for a few reasons.

>They're witches, and thus you simply don't trust anyone who wears pointy shoes
>They're smug 100% of the time. Anyone nonsmug cannot be a witch.
>They'll never take the form of someone busty, on principle. Find a big-tittied mage.

Why are you so worried about witches among you? It's silly.

Oh yeah, you're definitely one of them with all those lies and misdirections.

Well, do you have a BETTER idea, you titty monster?

Cast a powerful magic that removes their ability to taste sweetness for as long as they are in the mansion.

Alternately, an even better magic to give them tiddies.

Marry one of the witches

Get the other players to go in with you on a free chemical castration for your DM.

Have you even read up your literature? If fairy tales have proven anything it's that the natural enemy to the little girl is a hungry wolf. So either trap a few or leave some raw meat lying around the place. Put up a few signs saying "Porridge Thief Den" in case bears show up.

If this somehow turns into a sexy situation then the players are at full liberty to smack the DM in his fat mouth with a bag full of loaded dice.

Wait, what if they hired a druid? Assuming their druid isn't some bitch boy who turns into a puppy, that might work. Plus, the druid's capable of producing the anti-lewd bomb themselves!

Obviously you need to transform a party member into the alpha bitch loli and bully them into submission

Depending on how gothic said castle is, there's probably some sort of clan of lycanthropes nearby. Two birds, one stone.

No user, said partty member will end enjoying the role too much, and they will need to stop an entire session to make the member go back to normal after learning a lesson about being humble.

Take the rest of the surrounding kingdom, and push it somewhere else.

OP here. I have a cunning plan to fool them, will lace cake with laxatives and hope for the best, I feel like there's got to be a ritual spell somewhere that prevents teleporting into an area. Maybe I can get out of the way long enough.

I'll also try paying more attention to our party's witch than to them, but they might just pull more mean pranks on her.

Also, to clarify, they are not lolis, just short and flatchested. Apparently they all take after their grandmother, who was friends with my PC's grandfather, who invited her and her offspring to come over any time. If they were lolis I could maybe find an orphanage catering to magically gifted children or something.