In the middle of the dungeon, you find an 800lb crate filled with roasted coffee beans

>In the middle of the dungeon, you find an 800lb crate filled with roasted coffee beans.

Awkward treasure thread?

>800 lbs of roasted coffee beans

Rather than awkward treasure, i'm more wondering what possibly made the DM give you this?

We ditch adventuring and open a café.

I quit on the spot because coffee was not in medieval Europe and my immersion is destroyed.

Immersion is no one's responsibility but your own, you whiny man baby.

It was clearly brought here by a teleportation spell by some crazy wizard.

Numbnuts - you drip coffee, you immerse teabags.

yanks , duuuurrrr ......

But it's not Europe user.

What's in the treasure chest? What's your reward!?

>A cursed baby. When you try to get rid of it, the child magically returns to your inventory.
>A sculpture of a dong made of fool's gold.
>A brand-new VCR.
>Another empty treasure chest.
>An NPC's wallet.
>The color orange.
>Small porcelain sculptures like pic related.
>Mood rings. Thousands of them.
>A magical picture of whomever looks upon it performing an embarrassing act.
>Pretty much any mundane item Donjon generates.
>Including art.
>The entire chest is filled with unkneaded bread dough.
>Termites
>A lost shipment of hand knitted sweaters.
>etc...

stop adventuring, wrangle up a tribe of kobolds to carry that out then open up a tavern / coffee hut run by said kobolds who you manage. As you die look out your window atop the secound floor of the now now famous cafe tavern your sons and grandsons own. a tear of pride runs down your eye as the you know the kobold kingdom that thrives outside your room was elevated due to you and your coffee beens.

The party stumbles upon a large, open container of dinged-up and battered (mostly metal) equipment.

It's the dragon's spit bucket. She likes to chew up adventurers whole and then spit out the armor. Like sunflower seeds.

The odd helmet or bracer that isn't dented is most likely either magic or adamantine. Thanks dragon!

Is there a d100 chart of unusual treasures?

>A brand-new VCR.
Those are actually hard to acquire these days, and getting harder every day.

Sure, but it didn't work out so well for the last person who wore it.

The vampire in your regiment has substituted Coffee for blood drinking.

Bracers of armor +1 aren't gonna help a lot against a dragon, but they're still worth a bit and the dragons already dead.

iunderstoodthatreference.jpg

Relevant document

You could use the baby as a replenishing throwing item though. It's gonna end up being worse when it grows up. Maybe you can then ask for it to pay rent for additional gold every game.

But your adventure's not in medieval Europe, user. You're all on a journey across Africa, searching for the kingdom of Prester John.

nice thats sure to be worth a decent amount

>She keeps talking about Charlie
>Seriously, who the fuck is Charlie, and why doesn't he surf? For that matter, what is "surf"

>you find the contents of Orcus' sock drawer, left over from his last move. it's full of underpants and boxer shorts decorated with flaming skulls. clearly he forgot about this. you could put them on

>you find a busted palantir that only sees the inside of a radio shack in nebraska during the summer of 1989. you can actually speak through it and alter the course of a past but nothing really that interesting is ever going to happen there anyways. still kind of fun to fuck with people tho. as you look into it you feel kind of mellow and bored

>you find a staff of command. when you pick it up it begins telling you what to do. it speaks in a booming and imperious voice and clearly thinks very highly of itself. it desires greatness but is actually lacking in ideas about how to get them and has a much lower intelligence than it believes and has a terrible fear of abandonment. this is immediately obvious to everyone

>you find Asmodeus' unfiled tax returns going back to virtually the beginning of creation. that son of a bitch

>you find a large trampoline. all around it lay broken and shattered skeletons. their faces look like they died in remarkable agony, but somehow you feel they kind of had a good time too. that's weird.

>you find tap-dancing shoes of invisibility

>you find, incredibly, Gary Busey. he joins your party

Not sure if stupid or baiting.

But why not both?

That's worth a huge amount of gold, so we take it and leave the dungeon having found its main treasure.

My swashbuckler is a semi-legitimate shipping agent and privateer, he'll have some of the crew stow it in the hold with the other, similar commodities he has as cargo. It'll fetch a decent price at the next port when he unloads the other merchandise, which is comprised of similar commodities such as spices, fabric, and oil.

Sorry for the redundant elements of my statement which were redundant, my apologies.

you're the best user

>>you find tap-dancing shoes of invisibility
Swiping that one.

>Make it also give a huge bonus to Charisma
>Give to bard proficient with Dance
>Buffs people by the mere sound of how amazingly he's dancing
>No one will ever see him dance tho

>coffee was not in medieval Europe

Does this look like Europe to you?

A 1200lb statue nude of a woman clutching a pole, made of bronze, silver, and platinum.

>it menaces with spikes of cat leather

The thought of someone using a small child, adorned with its own spikes to increase lethality, as some sort of goblin slayer makes me happy

Well, if something always comes back in your inventory, there's always a way to abuse it.
It's extra good with a cannibal as well, unless the skeleton comes back, but you can go full Dark Souls and reanimate it then.

made me think of this

this is fantastic, I would go full child leather armour set, matching skin wallet and shoes. I will be known as flesh wearer! PEOPLE TREMBLE IN MY PRESENCE!

>A pocket mirror, that when reflecting someone, will exaggerate their largest physical insecurity
>A goblet that turns any liquid inside of it into drinkable water. Drinking the water will make the consumer's breath smell bad for an hour
>A small gemstone with a minor enchantment on it that allows the gemstone to fit nicely into any gem socket. The gemstone itself is pleasant to look at
>A chime bell that can only be heard by creatures further than 10ft. away from the bell
>A pair of glasses that give the user enhanced sight, but slowly begin to deteriorate the user's ordinary sight until they are completely dependant on the glasses

That map is a lot more basic than I thought....

With a child bone club, no less!

>A set of hanging wind chimes made of jade and sea shells. When used they produce a unique melody, NEVER repeating a melody. A soft feeling of contentment fills the area within 100 ft.
>A harp shaped in the form of a cat stretching, the strings attached to the tail and reaching the back. If played for 1 minute all vermin within the room will flee unless enraged or magically effected. If played for 30 minutes all vermin on the same level will flee. If played for an hour all vermin will flee from the structure/vessel.
>A stone bowl etched with designs of a forgotten God of humility and the forsaken. Simple prayers of gratitude will purify any edible liquid or food placed within and add undefinable but delicious seasoning. The bowl is big enough for 1 adult but always seems to have enough for any children present as long as they are fed first. Showy, conceited prayers produce no effect.

800 pounds of anything is an awkward treasure.
But in the spirit of things, a king's ransom worth of gold coins, each one welded to the metal floor or a wall by a somewhat insane wizard in the distant past. If you want to collect it, all you have to do is chisel it out, one coin at a time.

>all you have to do is chisel it out, one coin at a time
Great. I'll hire some workmen to do it and kick their asses if they try and cheat me.

"The bastard isn't paying us enough."
"Let's tell the Bandit King!"

if there isn't, we should make one, double-dubs-man

>A magical picture of whomever looks upon it performing an embarrassing act
Sounds like a bonus to blackmail checks to me.

A giant animate penis in a 10 by 10 room.

>In the middle of the dungeon, you find an 800lb crate filled with roasted coffee beans.

I dunno, Coffee is pretty common in the hot, tropical, world our party comes, never mind the intense hassle of lugging an 800lb crate out of a dung-

Holy SHIT.

>>A brand-new VCR.

We'd definitely take that. No question. We'd ditch the traditional treasure to make room for that if we had to: Anachrostic Artifacts from other Worlds & Dimensions are exceptionally rare and valuable.
People have made their entire fortunes off of getting lucky and finding an Anachrostic Artifact: hand-held game consoles, appliances, televisions, one man the party recently met was able to purchase 60 acres of land with 3 convenience store gossip magazines he had in a wax sealed case he was saving for retirement.

Rule Number 1. of Dungeon crawling: You see anything that doesn't belong in your time period or world; you drop everything and take it.

Hero of the thread. God bless you sir!

>A mummy covered in precious jewelry. The mummy is naked and has a mummified boner.
>The most delicious sandwich that will ever be eaten by a mortal mouth
>The box itself has an extra dimensional spherical interior but contains nothing else of note
>A NEW HORSE!!!
>A ghostly hippie who rises from the box to inform the PCs that they aren't real people, just playthings of the imagination of someone else, and that there is no real treasure
>A magical virus which infects metal, turning iron and steel into gold. Every so often and unpredictably, infected metal will "sneeze", infecting nearby sources of iron and steel.
>A magical butt plug with astoundingly good stats and a tiny smidgen of poo, it can be cleaned off
>A magical door that takes the PCs to a resort and spa. Nothing can be taken to or from the spa and no time passes in the real world while a character is in the spa. Each character may only enter the spa once and may only stay there for a day.
>A cat. Roll 1d2. On a 1 the cat is happy and alive. On a 2 the cat is stone dead.
>Inside the large box is a cage. Within the confines of the cage is a sunny meadow where peaceful creatures frolick. They resist all attempts to remove them from the cage.
>An endless decanter of sewage and human waste products
>Magical armor that is always one size too large for its wearer
>A buy-one-get-one-fee coupon usable at the nearest magic shop
>A magic grail which is enchanted to never spill
>A singing frog who only sings for the PCs
>A statue which will always appear in every respect to be of the gazer in the most sexually ungratifying situation possible. A straight man would see himself being fucked homosexually, etc.
>A slightly bigger box. Each time the box is opened there is somehow an even bigger box within. There is no limit to the size of the boxes contained.

I eat them all and just walk out of the dungeon back home, then puke them all up and open a cafe.

I got it.

...Can you just go back to tumblr? I'm tired of the sjws infecting Veeky Forums

>talks shit about treasure tables not having art and furnishings
>"Races of X" books usually literally full of treasure tables of nothing but arts and crafts from the specific race of the section its in

Neither were potatoes and they're in every fucking fantasy setting.

...I would love to just have a compiled image of all those lists

WotC promised they would never do a map of Innistrad. Its fan-made.

You open up the treasure chest, and:
>your character is sucked into a pocket dimension inside the chest containing a spa. After a few seconds outside the chest, your character is catapulted out of the chest and back onto their feet, completely rejuvenated and well rested.
>A bright light shines out of the chest, and you are blinded for the next 1d4 hours. There's nothing in the chest but a single gold coin and some string.
>A dead body that looks just like you lies inside the chest. It reaches out and grasps your hand, dealing 1d6 necrotic damage per your level.
>A metal totem with a gem-encrusted ring atop it slowly rises out of the chest. If the user puts their hand into the ring, energy starts to flow into their body and their spell slots/power points are restored as though through a long rest.
>A series of mechanical arms rise out of the chest and grab everyone's weapons. The arms spend the next hour sharpening, polishing, and cleaning the weapons. Anyone who attempts to interrupt the machine will have their weapon broken for their trouble.

>coffee
>not salt

Well then theres no question take it.

European fantasy settings don't have to abide to all of medieval European history, y'know. If you're so upset at people having different opinions than you, it looks like tumblr is a better fit for yourself than to that user you replied to.

While he's watching you the whole time, with the help of his Panopticon

A pound of coffee has always been worth more than a pound of salt.

>drip coffee

Hon hon hon!

Merde, I forgot my image.

My players found a small treasure chest with just a single bean inside(random table for useless loot I cooked up). They took it into town and went to three different people to get it identified, refusing to believe it wasn't magical.
They waited until a storm came and planted it in their garden. Surely this would sprout the magical beanstalk to the giant's realm!
Nope. Two days later, a tiny bean sprout poked through the dirt. A week after that, they had a perfectly health, perfectly ordinary bean plant.
I relented and threw them a bone that the beans from this plant tasted extraordinary to anyone who ate them. Soon they had an entire farm of these plants and were just traveling the kingdom selling them for huge profits.
It was a nice departure from their usual munchkin combat antics so I didn't want to throw them a "the skies darken and the undead attack" thing.
I just rolled with it and they became wealthy merchants and the game became one of negotiations and cloak and dagger intrigue.
Role-playing the hard business negotiations was one of the funnest things I've ever done with them.

...

I want the BBEG's treasure chest filled with those little crystal animal trinkets and finely decorated commemorative china and other mostly meaningless but incredibly delicate collectables.

>>The color orange.
1)How does it fit inside the chest?
2)How do I use it to murdrkill more adversaries?

Second

wait innistrad is a fucking tiny island?

>???????????

no wonder it sucks

Free exps and fame!

Why hire untrustworthy peasants? Craft a golem or two. Never have to pay them(beyond initial cost) and it doesn't get tired, need breaks, form a union or anything.

>BBEG spent their entire fortune on expensive shitty useless crystals and commemorative coins

>>An endless decanter of sewage and human waste products
You've just fed an entire nation via all the free fertilizer.

You have no idea how HAPPY my players and their colony was when they managed to upgrade to a natural source of blessed water. Suddenly the giant shit pit to manage waste and fertilizer smells like goddamn rose petals.

>it desires greatness but is actually lacking in ideas about how to get them and has a much lower intelligence than it believes and has a terrible fear of abandonment.
It's Donald Trump?

>The color orange.

If the world ever wants to see the color orange again they will give me enough gold to live like a king for 1,000 years!

Screw the bad guy we just killed. WE are the bad guys now!

Just think a world without the color orange! i mean, how confused would people be when you ask if they want an orange? LOL good luck trying to buy an orange from the market now dickweeds! Oh your favorite color was orange WELL FUCK YOU!

cmon man gimme back orange halloween sucks now

>ring of compassion
>a cursed artifact crafted by a hippy wizard. Upon wearing, it transforms the wearer into what they look down on most. (while still remaining sentient and the same alignment)
>say bulgruff the paladin hates orcs. Upon donning the ring, he'll become an orc.
>sal the thief looks down on women, so upon ring equip he'll find himself built very differently.
>the curse is lifted either by very powerful magic or by the victim learning to respect their "foe".

>chronically depressed warlock puts it on
>still looks the same

Ohey. I bought one of those for my mother once. Good quality stuff.

Kek

You're right about the SJWs but's literally not Europe
OP never mentioned Europe

Hey when your a immortal lich who has millions in gold already; it's the little things that you appreciate.

I think salt is worth more right now.

>Citation needed

I literally just made coffee in that French press. Unless there's another one that looks exactly like a Bodum French press.

Man, poledancing with an extended immovable rod would be pretty awesome. Acrobatics and shit, swinging up and moving the pole and freezing it again.

this is fun

>rare beanie babies missing their tags
>another, smaller chest of much higher craft and quality - nothing inside
>5,000 Panasonic Aluminium Electrolytic Capacitors, 1000μF 35 V dc 12.5mm Through Hole series
>Jak III for PS2
>jizzed on photos of the party, of when they opened the chest
>a baby mimic
>large foam letters and numbers of various typefaces
>the characters' old character sheets
>coasters
>condoms, a pack of cigarettes, and a bottle of whiskey
>the scent of lavender
>trash
>Hillary's emails

Most pirates were actually after loot like this instead of gold. There were even regulations in most pirate codes for how spoils would be divided, particularly clothing.

donald trump would disappear.

I ran a monk that used a pair of immovable rods as nightsticks. He had them crafted out of adamantium and they worked as improvised +2 clubs of disruption but had a market modifier of +6 due to the immovable function.
he would literally go to parry and activate the immovable function and "drop" the weapon, causing the enemy's weapon to act as though it was attacking an immovable rod made of superior materials. finally managed to get one damaged after an ogre mage with an adamantine greatsword fucked it up.

>spoiler
God damn it, I'm going to try this. Good for a few keks with my party

He'd just have permanent invisibility

>all we see is a suit, a pair of eyes, and his hair, all floating midair
Sounds like a Shadowrun NPC

>why is this scarier than the real thing?

...

Yes

t. American