You exit your office and in an alcove you see a fat man you once fired. His shirt is unbuttoned. He's nursing a cat

Can I just admit to be a replicant now so I can go home?

Why is there an alcove near my office building?

You wake up in the dark and find you cannot move. A frog with human eyes and teeth climbs over your chest and starts whispering into your nostrils.

After a particularly enjoyable night on the town you find that your teeth are shedding as walk home.

What do you mean I don't help him?

I send it to bed without supper.

I take them to the vet.

"Frank, this is exactly the kind of shit that got you fired in the first place."

I attack the Placeboo.

Thirty seconds ago you will be imagining the conversation we were about to have now.

Everyone is john?

Rolled 17 (1d20)

I roll d20 to strike a pose at him

How do we know YOU are not the skinjob?!

I yell "cease all motor functions" to the interviewer, as I am clearly spending my vacation at Future World and want to troll the people running these hosts.

You walk into your local grocery store and find a solitary camel with four humps, drinking cognac. The store is otherwise unoccupied. The camel appears to be sick, but continues to drink.

What's a cat?

"You know what a dog is?" "Yeah." "Same thing."

but you can't get ye flask

I hand him a burger.

...

Why can't you get ye flask?

That's a chick with a dick. Nice.

Rick, what the fuck?

Jesus christ is this from something? It's poetic.

Question from the Voight-Kampff tabletop game

I... I... What sort of questions is that? I nod.

While cooking dinner, your wife calls. She asks if you will be home late. The dish is green beans and steak. The beans are seedless.

Say not by much, use it to get her flowers before I get home.

Treat a bitch who cooks you steak well, meng.

...

See

You clearly care for your wife, user.
That is very admirable. Now, these are just questions, and I don't make them up. They're designed to provoke an emotional response, so just answer quickly and truthfully.

You are in the woods. You stoop to drink from a lake - the lake seems murky, uninviting. Bugs buzz in the air, and a fish breaks the surface, a little way off.
Though you are repulsed, you take a drink.
Why is that, user?

Probably because I'm lost and potentially dehydrated, but ultimately I don't have enough context to tell you for certain.

You do need to contemplate these answers, simply answer quickly and truthfully.
Please do not get agitated.

Now. You are at a society affair. The guests are enjoying raw oysters as the main dish, but the entrée was boiled dog.
Do you eat?

>You are on an airplane. Over the intercom, the pilot announces he's leaving the cockpit to fight you
>Your wife looks away

He said exit your office, not your office building.

Why don't you just use your mod powers yadda yadda

I don't think they respond to that command from guests. I've been wondering exactly how much discussion people have about WW in the outside world. I imagine there's probably at least a wiki about all the things people have found (Pariah, etc.).

>I am clearly spending my vacation at Future World
It made me laugh imagining a theme park that has things like flying cars (that actually fly) that don't exist in the "real world".

im loving these questions

>55. You’re the lone police officer monitoring traffic for speeding. You catch someone and pull them over. It’s your spouse. Do you write them up

>No, I blackmail them for guaranteed future sex.

I eat the dog, but not the oysters. I hate oysters.

no, i get drunk and embarass myself

Hell no. I don't associate with Korean pigu.

>You do need to contemplate these answers, simply answer quickly and truthfully. Please do not get agitated

He has a stoic demeanor and calmly says: "But I am answering truthfully. The people who made these tests should have studied philosophy."

>Now. You are at a society affair. The guests are enjoying raw oysters as the main dish, but the entrée was boiled dog.
Do you eat?

"You have a contradiction there, I suguest you read the definition of entrée. But, for the sake of argument, I'll give you resonates each possible world."

"If the meal consists of oysters, then I'll eat it. ... If the meal consists of dog, then I first ask the waiter if it is replicant dog--as eating real dog is against the law and the aversion toward eating something 'dog-like' is irrational."

As he said all or this his facial expression, tone of voice, and eyes remained very stoic. He also dressed like one would expect of a college professor.

>As he said all or this his facial expression, tone of voice, and eyes remained very stoic.

I feel as though you have never read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, nor have you watched the movie Blade Runner.

Some humans do behave like that.

Right, but the VK doesn't care about your voluntary body expressions. Come back when your greentext mentions being able to manually control the dilation of your irises.

Interesting.

Please answer the questions as posed.

Wise. They are all replicants. I should know.

Hmm - Interesting.
To tell you the truth, I don't know the educational background of the people who make these questions. Hell, they might be plumbers.
Would you like a cigarette?
Again, just relax, you do not need to answer these questions at length. We simply measure emotional responses.

It may be a little while, but rest assured that we a have a remarkably low rate of false positives. There is no cause for alarm.

You are a proffessional interviewer. You interview people suspected of falsely posing as humans.
You offer the man you are interviewing a cigarette. He declines.
What is your next question?

"... I. Do. Not. Eat."

This question. Then I ask him how he feels about recursive questions.

"do you have a preceeding heart or lung condition"?

Did you mean 'a preexisting heart or lung condition'?

"You wanna go for some coffee after this?"

You are now dilating manually.

...

this is getting entirely too meta.
I mean damn, Charlie Kaufman, some of us have work in the morning.

"How do you feel about the impact of meta arguments?"

Fun things are fun. Meta is usually pretty fun. But it can go too far.
Do you know what your own cum tastes like? Masturbation is fun, but if you ever jack off to the point that it gets in your mouth, you've probably gone too far.
That's about the same point meta leaves a foul taste in my mouth. It tastes like self-congratulatory cleverness and salty pennies.

>Masturbation is fun, but if you ever jack off to the point that it gets in your mouth, you've probably gone too far.

On the contrary, that means you're just beginning to go far enough.

You a droid?

Kek

F U C K

"If you had to describe one aspect of your mother as 'tasting like self-congratulatory cleverness and salty pennies' what would it be?"

>express confusion with mild distaste
>Ask "Why is he there?"

probably her meta humor.

>Masturbation is fun, but if you ever jack off to the point that it gets in your mouth, you've probably gone too far.

You lack ambition.

Earlier I was hungry, and ate several mushrooms. The mushrooms were hallucinogenic. I am on Pluto.

I mean, it's funny you say that, that really is one of my flaws.
I could make excuses about having had ambition once and having it beaten out of me by failures, but honestly I was never very deeply motivated by my dreams as they were. If my needs are met and I'm comfortable, I'm happy with my place in the universe.

That's generally not so wrong, so long as your needs aren't being met by inflicting undo suffering on another. Ataraxia is a fine goal.

I mean, beyond "I live in the first world, so my cell phone and clothes and shit are all made by slaves in southeast asia" I'm not inflicting suffering. I pay my own bills by working for a living, just not going out of my way to try to move up the corporate ladder or anything.

Then hey man, power to ya. The world would be a much better, though probably less advanced, place if everyone could just be happy with having enough.

We prefer to use the term "replicants" so as to not confuse them with actual humans, capable of suffering, rather than a finely crafted facsimile.

Chinese BBQ.

Did you know, the fastest way to pass a Turing test is to aggressively attack your proctor's humanity?

Cat? I'll tell you about my cat!

Bot detected.

I know I'm human. What are you?

I'm one of multiple scripts set to run on this website to maintain the illusion of other participants and posters than you.

no one is crafting southeast asians. they're actually people.

Both of those are impossible, because I know for a fact that I'm a Boltzmann brain and none of this actually exists.

I am a human.

Beep boop.

That's what the random chaos of entropic fluctuations WANT YOU TO THINK.

hey, I've gotta ask. What does beep boop actually mean?

It means we still have one meatbag to hunt down.

What if there aren't any actual humans left?
What if the beings with a full emotional range and reproductive capabilities are just second generation replicants?

I guess we'll know for sure in a few years.

You are walking down the street when a clown in the sewer. He asks if you want a balloon.

I ask him what floats down there.

he says they ALL float down here. When you're down here with us, you'll float too!

I'm sure there is a dick somewhere you should be sucking .

...

>The plastic tips at the ends of shoelaces are called aglets
>Their true purpose is sinister