Warhammer storytime

So. I just wanted to tell the story of our ridiculous 40k campaign to somebody.

Not sure where to start so i guess i'll just give a rundown on how it happened.

So our GM likes big games. like. our group usually has around 20 or so people when he hosts. It's alright. it gets wierd but it's fun.

So this time. He called us over for a 40k game. not just any game. He had spent who knows how long mashing together the rules for tabletop, battlefleet gothic, and RPG together.

23 of us gathered here.

And through a series of horrible and awesome events.

We became 6 inquisitors

7 chapter masters

a commisar general, and lord commander of the imperium.

3 rogue traders.

a canoness of the adepta sororitas.

A grand judge of the adeptus arbites.

2 master adepts of the administratum,

a tech priest Magos,

and the master of the adeptus telepathica.
Our military forces consist of an imperial battlegroup with

2 billion guardsmen.

4 million skitarii

17000 space marines

900 deathwatch marines

1100 grey knights

1000 minotaurs

1000 red hunters.

for a total of 21000 elite and regular space marine forces.

23000 sisters of battle

an additional 4000 sister repentia

653 titans

46 ordinatii

328 cybernetica battle-automata

50 million krourk ogryn auxilia

1 million 500 thousand imperial and inquisitorial storm troopers

250 thousand krieg grenadiers

1 million cadian kasrkin

4200 ecclisiarchy crusaders.

749 imperial knights

140 assasins

and 100 thousand solar auxilia troops

and 800 Elitre units formed from a composite force of ryza skitarii and catachan jungle fighter companies dubbed the "plasma devil commandoes"


Backed by full armied and vehicular support.


Any of you guys care to hear the story of our politcal backstabbings? copious boots on the ground and excessive use of heavy artillery in the name of humanity?

Other urls found in this thread:

suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/2590502/
youtube.com/watch?v=IEGo41443iI
twitter.com/SFWRedditVideos

I think your lying. Nobody has that many friends.

I dont have that many friends. i have a large group of people who show up to the same event every week to steal the hosts food.

But If you dont want to hear. i shall fuck off and die like a good imperial soldier

no I need this tale impregnating my mind with illusions of grandeur

Sounds like a bunch of Mary Sue Bullshitting to me senpai.

Tell me a story, oh wise one.

Well go ahead and spin this yarn OP

You've got a crowd, now it's time for you to deliver.

Then let me begin typing. And i shall preface this with the simple statement of. Dont get attached to anybody. we all died. a lot.

Regale us with this clusterfuck of a shitstorm

IT BEGINS!

>and 800 Elitre units formed from a composite force of ryza skitarii and catachan jungle fighter companies dubbed the "plasma devil commandoes"

Looks like your GM reads Age of Dusk.

I can believe this level of autism.

Also
>1100 Grey Knights
>More Grey Knights than the entire chapter.

I approve, Matt Ward's Codexing a shit. Silver (and Gold soon) Legion is best.

Come on, OP, deliver...

you're

Our first 7 sets of characters died off instantly to plot bullshit.

first the GM murdered us off with orbital bombardment without us even doing anything.

second ones died to a tyranid swarm inside our base.

third and fourth both died to chaos sorcery.

5th got executed by the inquisition.

6th was lost in battle to orks.

and the 7th was completely obliterated by our gellar fields failing in the warp.

At that point. the collective group mentality was "fuck this GM." what was the point of even making us roll those guys up if he was gonna kill them off?

So finally. our newest characters.

We took advantage of his horribly mashed up game rules and built the most horrendously bullshit characters we could.

4 space marines got rolled up.

an ultrasmurf, nothing special, devestator marine sergeant with a chainsword, hand flamer and krak grenades.

a deathwatch kill marine with a bolt pistol and powerfist, with incorporated melta. and plasma grenades

a space wolf terminator with lightning claws and a missile launcher on his back. frag grenades

And our Blood angel with a jump pack, power sword, and combat shield. did not pack grenades.

10 of us wrote up guardsmen.

"hammerhand". a commisar. with every unarmed talent he could throw on a single character. With synth-muscle grafts. Bionic augments. power fists. He beat an ogryn to death with his bare hands.

"bilbo" the ratling. Still a stupid name. but a badass sniper. And pretty good at snatching important items.

"grog krogyn" Ogryn should never be trusted with heavy weapons. But grog was a special case. he could blast you into next week if you looked at him funny. And if you ever think ogryn are already too strong. take the max amount of synth-muscle you can throw on a dude. and You get grog. He had a grav-gun. a twin-linked. combi-grav. the combi? another grav gun. Liberal abuse of loopholes for 4 grav weapons strapped together.

1/?

Well keep going asshole

I've seen a Roll20 group that was doing a post 40k game with 24 people. the story was that they (and others) are survivors of the end of 40k and are traveling to another galaxy. I don't know any more than that since I never joined them

"Spike" and "tweak" Twins. Psykers. Absolute fucking monsters in battle. Since our GM was mashing things together. one had a Force sword and specialized in biomancy and the other wielded a force rod and specialized in telekinesis.

"mikag omnod" our close combat specialist. another ogryn. Synth-muscle. Bionics. an eviscerator chainsword in one hand and a grenade gauntlet in the other. Loaded with plasma grenades.

"commisar crane." Another commisar. this one was a pariah though. And with a fucking power sword in one hand and a chain fist in the other. carapace armor, and digiweapons in both eyes.

"john smith." a most valued party member. He was our storm trooper. Nicest guy. De-facto leader of the party. and Totally screwed in the future.

Our last three were "Bain mourn" just. regular old las-rifle. And a very minor psyker. incredibly lucky. and talented in dozens of ways. Nothing but minor psychic powers and some "tricky" and stealthy talents to boost up his "luck"

"terminator." was our enginseer. We didnt call him anything else because we couldnt remember the long ass name he had.

and "House." Our medic. who really spent more of the time throwing combat drugs and pain killers at us then he did actually healing anybody.

2/?

Suck my Inquisitorial dick.

I was going to go to bed, but now I'm staying up.

This is going to be very delightful.

"bloody mary" Our resident sororitas. total cunt. and best damn backup ever. I will never go anywhere without a bolter bitch at my side again.

then comes our inquisitorial acolytes. 7 of those fucks.

"Judge Mortar." Our arbites, with his power maul, shock shield, and cyber mastiff. Another Pariah. one of his eyes was a sonic digi-weapon.

"Father lovecraft." Our so called priest. and a secret psyker. His favorite thing to do was burn people with his assortment of flame weapons. and when the light went out. all you saw was fire, flashing lights, and the strange glistening of writhing flesh beneath the flame and shadows.

"Galad the Strong." A crusader. Carapace armor. Power sword. power shield. the whole deal. both master crafted of course.a shining paragon of righteous fury. standing over 8 feet tall and strong as an ox. And The best part is he is secretly a combat drug addict and a horrible abomination. of genetic engineering, mutations, and bionic implants.

"Blender B Rodriguez." Free cookie to anybody who gets the reference in his name. Blender was our acolytes tech support. And he was built like a fucking woodchipper mixed with a trench digger. He had so many mechadendrites doctor octopus would cry. his legs were replaced with 6 lightning claws. he had 3 extra arms on top of the mechadenrites. and every god damn limb he had was stabtastic. From the chainblades on his mechadenrites to the lightning claws for feet. one of his arms had a null-rod built into it and attached to a mono-edged sword. two more he wielded a force sword on it. and his last two he used to two hand this big ass fucking power sword. He had his entire body laced with hidden blades..

"nuke." Our pyromancer psyker. Never spoke. carried no equipment. Just sat in his armor and waited. but when he came in. it was like hell on earth. theres something to be said for specialists. and when pyromancy is your only focus... things burn. And he'd just burn brighter as we went on

I hope fucking everybody got who "Blender B Rodriguez." is referencing.

"tartaros" was our assassin. and a damn good one. Nuke never spoke. Tartaros was never seen. he spent the entire game hiding under a camo cloak and psi-blocker. the only thing we ever saw of him was the corpses he left behind. and the notes he'd leave to talk with us.

And our last inquisition friend. "jay 'thunderer' gram." a guardsman. carrying a fucking autocannon and enough mines, bullets, and grenades for a small company. He also happened to be a damn good cook.

and the last member of our merry band of misfits. a rogue trader by name of "jak firehawk." jak was a wierd one. he'd used everything from las gauntlets to a c'tan phase sword during our journeys. the sad part was he was barely old enough to be a whiteshield. but he had so many quickdraw talents. He could pull out a bolt pistol, fire it and then tear into you with las gauntlets, and before he finished hitting you with the laser he had already unloaded four other pistol types into you. He was a minor psyker. another "lucky" and "talented" one. wearing power armor. and enough weapons to be a small weapons platform on his own. You'd never know who was under all that weaponsry and equipment if he didnt take it off. it was less power armor and more of a tiny mech for him to pilot. He'd grow into it though.

It's almost 2 in the morning here. since our cast is finally presented. I'm gonna head to bed and finish this tommorow. if any of you are still reading anyway.

Keeping this window open man, I'm goign to bed too.

I look forward to this, though I wish you had written this up beforehand, but thats alright.

>"john smith." a most valued party member.

Well, I'll bump it if no one else will, but I feel like this is one of the great trolls of old, like suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/2590502/

You dirty son of a bitch. Get back in here and finish the story.

Who told you that you can fucking sleep?!

Oh shit, this thread still up?

Alright fucker it's been 8 hours when are you continuing?

Come on you fuckin faggot, POST DAMN IT!!!!!

I shall await the return of OP with you fellow elegan/tg/entlemen

In the meantime we should bump thread with 40K imagery

I second your idea.

Good morning. and fuck yourselves. sleep is amazing.

So our story begins. as many do, with blistering fire. Orks. i fucking hate orks.But there they were. Our glorious guardsmen ready to die for the emperor.

Hunkered down in trenches. Firing into battle. and refusing to let Tweak and Spike do anything. Crane and Hammerhand threatening to execute anybody who backed down.

Now i dont know if you've ever seen an ork. but when one of them is barreling towards you with a chainaxe. Its terrifying. So John (yes. that was really his name.) Steps right out of the fucking trenches, with Bain and Grog Following him. and the ork got fucking shredded between the sudden cracking of his organs under gravity and the mass of las-gun fire on his chest and face.

Almost immediately Mikag has to drag them back into the trench to avoid Losing them to artillery.

It's a long. hard. miserable Slog through this battle. Every few minutes. More orks. Grenades. check. Las guns? fire. check. We started this with all our vehicular support already gone. We are not losing another set of characters on the first mission though. We will advance the emperor damned motherfuckin plot!

Finally. Between John's rapid fire, Bain's lucky shots, and Two drugged up Ogryn with heavy weapons. We got the chance to advance. So logically our commisars told us to Charge the enemy instead of hunker down in the next fortified area.

So We're charging the fucking orks over the hill, Guardsmen dying around us. But frankly, Crane scares the crap out us. And Nobody wants hammerhand to execute you.

So we start charging through. Orks do not aim, and lasguns are angry laser pointers. So we dig a trench and throw some fortifications up. And we hunker down like we were before.

Gee what a great idea Commisar, Now we get to be in a trench IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ORKS THIS TIME!

So it goes on and on like this.

Finally. The ogryn of all people asks one of the most important questions. "Where we at actually?"

It's been over ten hour's already, bet this fucker has a job or life like some fucking normie.

dammit, I just started shitposting!

The answer is one that even makes crane shudder.

We're on planet Krypnan. In the FUCKING OCTARIUS SYSTEM! So all at once we go from hating fucking orks. To piling fucking trip wires, land mines, Grenades on fucking strings. Booby trapping our own damned trenches. Fuck this shit. Not just greenskins oh on. now we've got FUCKING NIDS TO WORRY ABOUT! But dont worry. Command says there arent nids here yet. Bullshit.

In the middle of our little fortification run. Crane gets this angry ass grin on his face. "Charge."

We look at him like he's fucking nuts. Charge? we are right across from the orks. they have not stopped firing once. You want us to FUCKING CHARGE THEM?!

But we cant say no. Because as soon as i hear somebody pipe up. the next sound we hear is the crackling of a power fist and the wet sounds of a chainweapon dragging through somebodys head.

So we charge. And Before we do. Hammerhand climbs up out of the trench and shouts. "I BET YOURE ALL A BUNCH O FUCKING PANSY ASS GROTS AND TOO SCARED TO CLIMB IN HERE AND FIGHT US UP CLOSE!"

three things. where the fuck does a commisar learn to insult orks like that? why are you taunting the fucking orks? and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!

But they charge. And without even a second thought. Bain knocks out a smoke grenade, we book it. And all we hear is a gigantic fucking BANG! as our trench explodes. That was half of our fucking explosives... And hammerhand lights up a lho-stick on the burning pit. Before walking over to us.

"Crane said charge. Let's charge. I need to get my hands dirty anyways."

So Our options are. Deal with crane. Who kind of emits an aura that makes you want to kill yourself just to avoid him. Or. Listen to hammerhand and keep going towards the orks.

We vote orks. And we advance. On and on and on. Until roughly 60 of us are left. Entrench. fortify. charge. die. repeat.

But it gets us moving. Terminator Slows us down by insisting on grabbing every fucking piece of looted imperial junk

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>orkchan is secretly the warboss

I say we shitpost between all of OP's posts.

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I second(?) this notion.

C'mon man it's been like half an hour! You're killing us here.

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OP needs to deliver

If he doesn't come back and finish this story

I think we scared him off with aggressive shitposting.
Shitpost more to bring him back

No, post funnies! Funnies will bring him back better than shitposting.

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Poor guy

Squat is friend.

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OP. You do not get to get us interested and cut us off. You promised death and badassdom. please deliver, you fag.

I'll hold onto this a little while
guardsmen

Do you think he saw everyone's reactions and decided to not finish his story just to be a dick?

This exact scene just happened in Mimikyu's Krieg Waifu story. Goddamn that was cute.

youtube.com/watch?v=IEGo41443iI

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Who is the primarch?

MY SIDES

Angron

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holy fucking shit

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If there ever was a story. It greatly resembles the All-Guardsman Storytime.

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We're trying our best OP! Please deliver.

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WHERE ARE YOU OP

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OP has abandoned us.

OP never existed.

We are all OP.

S E N D H E L P
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