The headmaster has given your party a simple task

Anything can be cursed. always bring holy water, you never know when your GM will be a dick and curse a ladder.

Also ... mimics. Everything is a fucking mimic.

The most important part to protect is your left leg. Because for some Emperor-damned reason 90 % of all hits you take will hit your left leg.

Also, if you ever find glowing blue crystal shards buried in the ground, bury them the fuck back as deep as you can and get off the fucking planet.

That's one way to phrase it. The party has become a pretty jaded and calloused group of douchebags as a result of the world more or less constantly shitting on us. There's next to nothing they haven't been through at this point, and it's harder and harder for them to even give a shit anything anymore.

I think your GM may of fucked up.

Don't sleep in mysterious homes in the forest. Those are mimics.

Oranges make for the Shittiest of waifruits. Apples the best girl.

More along the lines of running into a dragon that two lone party members can't handle on their own

So you are murderhobos because of a shit GM. Nothing unusual about it

You will need to read the documents and pay attention to things to find clues to the puzzles.

Reading the wrong things or paying attention to the wrong things will likely kill you or rape your san, as will solving the wrong puzzles.

We thought we were starting a normal CoC game ... our GM sent us to Heavenly Host for investigations.

Kekles Jekles

I just imagined 2D from the Shadowrun Story screaming that and panicking.

Kids, always ask what kind of folk medicine the lesser educated members of the party know.
It could save you from being snogged by a minotaur.

What if the holy water is cursed and/or a mimic?

I think some of the players already have developed PTSD over these things. I think this will just further the cause. I know what I am going to suggest to him and see if it will be possible make some of them go fetal.

Don't do necromancy kids, not even once.

>When in doubt burn it down no matter how much the party urges you to do otherwise.

>When burning does not work, blow it up.

>When blowing up does not work run

>When running does not work pray

>When praying does not work get a shitty job at a school so you have meat shields in-between you and the horde of vampires you may have pissed off.

Dear children, remember that your soul is precious, and you only get one.

So compare devils before you decide, and always check the contract for recurring payments!

Why sell them YOUR soul? Buy souls from others, then sell them to daemons.

i shit on your table and tell you to fuck off, you fat weeb.

Violence is always the answer to everything. It might not be the ONLY answer, sometimes it's not the BEST answer, but when in doubt violence is always an answer.

>mage class
Sorry, let me adjust the lesson plan.
Fireball is always the answer to everything. It might not be the ONLY answer, sometimes it's not the BEST answer, but when in doubt Fireball is always an answer.

>fucking with the demon mafia's supply chain
>trying to jam yourself in as middleman in a millenias-old industry
This is how you end up a in fucking ditch.

Mortals can't buy souls, silly

Contrary to popular belief, sex in the missionary position for the purposes of procreation is not degenerate.

That sounds like mortal talk to me.

Never stick, or let yourself be sticked, by crazy, kids.
Especially if he/she's hating tabletop roleplaying games for reasons.

It's okay, they're not girls they're stakes.
My first lesson is that magic isn't real and Virigillia is a whore and you should always carefully label your tiny food bombs.

If someone makes a "joke" about doing something stupid, like blowing up a wall instead of shooting through a window like a sane sniper or raping a prisoner for answers, before you laugh, make sure they aren't serious

We're all mortals here

If they weren't serious before, they are after you laugh.

Self centered fireball is always a viable option when surrounded. As well never trust the newest party member until he survives long enough, and is competent enough, to actually give a shit about.

This geoup is gonna give me PTSD, I swear.

Mammon is cute! Cute!

Wizards are of homosex, don't be a wizard and kill all wizards.

>hating lolis
What are you? Some kind of alien monster? can't be, even alien monsters love lolis

>Only alien monsters love lolis
FTFY.

[citation needed]

kids, remember to allways kill Yuan-Ti and lizardmen on the spot, skin them, sew them into a boot and dump the gore inside. It's best for everyone that way.

From his experiences? I don't get to use his academic background? He studied ancient history damnit, let it be relevant!

Doing good is a Good thing. That's a good lesson. Also wearing trousers is a good thing. Dress warm and comfy, fashion be damned. Protectiveness is also important.
But seriously can you wear something on your lower bodies?
And why do you all have red eyes, it's... Wait, VAMPIRES! Badly clothed loli vampires! Sounds like smiting time!

Welcome to "Magical/Mechanical Hybrid Siege Engine Operation 101." If any of you have forgotten your permission slips or EOD suits you'll have to sit the lesson out in the blast booth.

Remember to pay attention, children. If your mind wanders while you're using one of these thunder ballistae you may end up floating in the astral plane wondering where your leg went. Which is no fun, trust me.

Now stop crying and open your texts to Chapter 1: Basic Safety Procedures and Relevant Prayers.

Bring unholy water too, just make sure you always know which is which.

I would say: "Stay out of Technocracy affairs", but my character already knew that and it seems like nobody else will live long enough to learn from it.

So I guess that doesn't count.

Do not, I repeat, do not shoot at the hostage in order to defeat a kidnapper, even more so if you do it without looking just to look cool and to show off your archery skills.

The only exception is if you also want the hostage dead. Then it can be used to make the kidnapper shit his pants.

I am gonna make my penis disappear.

Alright listen to me you whelps. You're going to learn how to insult faggot elves like a proper dorf. You're going to make them cry & then brew beer with their tears. Then you'll bend them over & examine how butthurt they are. You will laugh at their misfortune. You'll do it all so you can smug at their faggot faces.

What if the best way to kill wizard is to be better wizard?

This sounds really comfy. I don't think having my warlock give out advice is a good idea though.
>captcha Camping Rocks

>PC is blatant ripoff from obscure manga
>canonically part-time teacher
Oh boy...

Alright younglings, I have three lessons to teach you:
1. Never trust an Elf, they're lying, cheating, backstabbing scum
2. Never trust a Elf's claims about their proficiency with a bow, refer to lesson 1
3. Never, EVER permit an Elf to shoot the individual you're engaged in combat with, refer to lesson 2

The remainder of this lesson will be spent educating you fine young girls about the glorious history of my people, and our triumph over the Elven scum in The War of Vengeance. And so help me Grimnir, if so much as one of you calls it The War of the Beard, you'll be running laps around the oval until you're vomiting up your breakfast. Now, let's begin.

Furthermore, put on some damn pants. For shame.

Okay kiddies, it's like this:
When in combat and in doubt, reload.
When out of combat and in doubt, repack your mags.
When you're not sure about how much gun you need, bring a launcher.
And what ever you do, don't engage the balkens in melee unless you have AT LEAST three team mates to back you up.
Also, never doubt the usefulness of a paranoid with acute PTSD

>mages
>pants

Hey kids, want to learn how to hunt a rancor without having to use some poor sap as bait?

Don't worry, it works exactly like using him as bait, he just doesn't have to be told.

>All this apple wank.
>Doesn't even know about peaches.

Peach is best waifu and best waifruit.

Wrath > Sloth > Pride > Envy > Greed > Lust > Gluttony

All are best girl though, some are just more best than others.

>teach the class a lesson learned from your experiences
Skub is a wondrous substance that can make all of the following come true and more:
- Revive your beloved witch!
- Give you 50 tons of pure gold!
- Turn furniture into human!
- Make FAAAAT people lose weight!
- Allow single mothers to get the parenting award they crave so much!
- Revive your dead brother!
- Turn moon hotels into a booming business!
- And so much more!

Skub is great! Use it everyday!

>belphegor not at the top
The best dad doesn't approve.

Belphegor is pretty great, but she's not my waifu

Eh, Satan still rates pretty high on my scale though. Probably immediately after Belphe and Mammon.

>Children, if you look carefully at my arm, you can see where my patron demigoddess replaced my flesh with hers! Today's lesson: how to conduct surgery while unconscious.

Protein-rich breakfast followed by a full day of physical training, regular rest periods will be lessons on ki, mediation and flight.
In the evening it'll be how to prepare a feast which will be our dinner.
Cleaning up, massages, hot baths, perfectly innocent skinship and finally, time to sleep.
During the night while they're asleep she'll be using her ki to heal their painfully sore muscles.
Come morning another breakfast before she helps them fly home.

Over this day she would have also given them an abridged history of the Z-Fighters, her own trying to find the remains of the Saiyans and the rescue of her friends and the attempted demonic takeover of Earth. Also everything she knows about the Dragon Balls and why they will solve most problems.

She'll give it a year before they head off together to find them all.

You, I like you.

> pro-skub

If somebody tells you to get in the giant robot, you get in the giant robot and you robot that giant robot as giant as you can until you can't giant robot anymore.

There is no half-assing giant robots girls, that's how you get people killed. You fully ass any giant robot you happen to pilot and if everything goes wrong at least you can say 'I put my ASS into that giant robot and NOBODY can say anything different.'

>It's a harem anime about a lonely transfer student (male) trying to find new friends by starting a TTRPG club
>But in a surprising twist, only five beautiful girls show up!
>They're inexperienced, but they're fast learners and really into roleplaying
>REALLY into roleplaying
>Before long it gets really weird

I'd watch it, but they have to be lolis.

>Magic must defeat magic

This is you on skub.
Don't do skub kids.

Damn straight

My party

>Fighter
Combat training with impractically large weapons

>Ranger
Fantastic beasts and where to fight them

>Rogue
Identifying cursed items by touch

>Cleric
Economics 101 - Building a financial empire on the backs of others

>Paladin
Coping with stress

I find it hard to imagine a more generic party, and I kinda love it. Stick to those tropes.

Alright girls, lesson one: if you're living with a significant other, do not let your best friend live with you.

When the only thing you have is a hammer...all your problems look like nails.

DIE THE DEATH

SENTENCED TO DEATH

GREAT EQUILIZER IS THE DEATH

Keep a scenthound like a bloodhound, foxhound, or harrier to keep a nose out for rogues and other stealthy threats. They're good at disguising themselves visually (and spiritually if alignment matters), but they rarely make an effort to hide their scent. And in case of emergency, you can grab puppers and go innawoods.

Lesson one. Magic isn't real.

No, no, only one loli. The girls need to be different enough to allow different dynamics between characters. So one loli, who's actually a sophomore/ junior who gets very angry when people treat her like a little kid (but secretly wants to be pampered and fed sweets) and plays Gromak The Destructor, an 8' tall Barbarian whose battle cry is "Blood and Vengance!"

>"Alright class, today I'll begin teaching you how to make extracts and mutagens. By the end of this course you'll each be able to mutate yourselves into a horrible monster capable of ripping and tearing your way out of every problem."

>DBZ Saiyan OC
Please be either distant future, or distant pa-
>Z fighters
Either distant future, or cancer

Remember, if you act like you no what your doing, and that your supposed to be there, enemy guards won't question why your there.

Also, there is very little Thant can't be solved with Wands of Heat and Cool Metal, and basic thermodynamics. That's how we killed that one Deathknight.

But those are furniture, not girls.

> Bard
If manic phase, probably will preach about how one should only use one's earned gold. Also a shitton of lessons on applying cosmetics.
If depressive phase, wear an apron: he'll teach cooking, and he cooks meat really messy. It's like murdering a cow. Repeatedly.

> Wizard
Will probably attempt to convert them into his blind followers with pure charisma. If that fails, will teach them how to use charisma and manipulate those in power in order to get more shekels.
Also a ton of lectures on enchanting items and fireballing, I guess.

> Warrior
Joking, pranking, trolling, murderhoboing, career paths connected to dark magic cults, escaping cult and acquiring bitches AND bling in the process.

> Thief
How to fail all your contracts and still have your job. How to escape three jails in a row without even picking locks. How to endure Warrior's jokes and evade Bard when he's depressive.

> Paladin
How to kill anything with a sword, including your old friends from 20 years ago converted to a cult, advanced level. Deus Vult not necessary to pass the course.

Hey, there were a number of Saiyans off-planet at the time. Hell, judging by Raditz's dialogue a lot of them were cleansing planets for Frieza and never knew anything was wrong.

Considering Vegeta calls him and Goku the last Saiyans, my personal head cannon is that most of then people off planet were cleaned up and killed off in the same way Bardock's team was

We did a game once, without telling the players ahead of time, where magic was in the mind of mages. Magic wasn't real, they were just delirious and thought they were magicking. The mage players were not happy, but it was funny.

LISTEN UP WELPS:
HERE'S HOW YOU PREPARE AN AMBUSH FOR A DAEMONIC BEING THAT WISHES TO SWALLOW YOUR SOUL. THERE WILL BE A PRACTICAL EXAM.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS

TO DEFEAT

THE [Insert evil fantasy race here]

>Druid.
ALRIGHTY THEN!

>That one realm for fur- er I mean space wolves.

ALRIGHT YA SYRUP-SIPPERS!
Welcome to the wonderful reality of being stuck in this shit-ridden galactic fjord.

Lesson 1: take everything that isn't nailed down.
Lesson 2: always bring a good claw hammer so you can also take the things that are nailed down

Vegeta's brother is alive, much to his shame.
Broly and his father survived up till they ran across the protagonists.
Also in the semi-canon Xenoverse games, a number of Saiyans are still around not even a century after the events of DBZ.

Anyway, Chiri is from the past, decades before Planet Vegeta was destroyed. Time travel is involved bringing her to present.