Phrases that ALWAYS precede bad things happening in games

...

>*incredulous tone* You're doing X?

I should stop asking my players if they're sure when they're doing something stupid.

> You've got low STAT, right X?

I keep doing this to give my new players a break, but eventually I'm just going to have to start dishing out PKs

>btw where are you standing?

>Okay, BUT, since the radius on your spell is

*monster dice roll behind dm screen*

>Hmm okay yeah so here's what happens

It's generally meant to prevent them from derailing the game in a direction nobody in the room cares for (like oh no you broke the seal suddenly demons all over the world sucks about your politics), or PCs dying in extraordinarily stupid ways. Characters making mistakes makes for types of roleplaying and character development that are almost impossible to do without. If you have a player that likes to play an edgelord (or, say, a warlock) and otherwise is basically not roleplaying, you'd be surprised how into the self-loathing and redemption business they can get.

>somehow, the [seemingly ordinary man] appears to be unharmed

>DM Mutters 'shit' under his breath

Do you take some time to preparefor the journey in the city?

>An ominous rumbling comes from the ground

>the woman you THOUGHT was a

>so was there something you have wanted to do between the last session and this one
>players are chatting about something unrelated like video games
>there is a thing they should REALLY HAVE DONE and you fucking know when it comes to the consequences they will say of course they would have done it, but it would be perfectly IC for them to forget, and it's also not so obvious that you should ask directly, and you know you're going to be the one looking like asspuller cunt at the end

>Roll for X...

>In this campaign, if you didn't state it, it didn't happen.

No, that doesn't mean you have to describe basic biological functions or taking your gear with you.

>They're all burned up, yeah. You are counting your arrows, right?
>no reason

>okay, but

>he teleports behind you and says--

>Can I borrow some d10s for a sec?
>You do realize the King is right in front of you, right?

>you don't see/hear/sense anything

Just means we missed something.

>"Everyone roll a d20"

This is only fair if it's proceeded by an agility roll or perception check.

>Okay, so... *papers rustling*

>He hits you and deals *rolls*
>How much HP do you have?

>What's your Perception?
>Are any of you resistant to poison?
>What's your marching order?
>Which hand do you open the door with?

>the door is unlocked
>the lady smiles at your character
>you enter a room full of hideous, monstrous statues
>suddenly
>before
>as you do X...
>who farted?
>where'd that dice roll off to?
>I made some brownies
>watch your drinks!
>let me see your character sheet
>what was your fortitude save again?
>oh wait, I forgot to add their charisma modifier
>ah no, that's for unlocked doors
>you fail.
>Ooo, nasty.
>ouch, well...
>unbeknownst to you, the Orc was female and pregnant.
>as you slice through the rope, the baby falls towards the molten lava, make a reflex save

>I made some brownies
BASTARD

>orction

> you think you are hiding well

As an Anima GM
>"Hey, what're you guys' notice/magic appraisal/ki detection" followed by Passive roll.

Also
>Any time my players think they hear dice being rolled two or more consecutive times.
They usually think the beastie they're fighting just open rolled. They're usually right.

Name one good reason any player who kicks a coffin in a dungeon-crawling RPG would deserve to live through the night?

>DM randomly rolls
>DM grins
>"Well!"

>that dice

>the Orc was female an pregnant
Looks like we just performed an aborction.
>carlos.jpg

>hey I was wondering if I could play this class, it 3rd party but-

>after group discussion, this is the best option we could think of...

>I couldn't find the rules on it, so...

>(since no one's agreeing with me) I'm going to say GM has final say, and I'm GM

>Marching order, and exactly how spaced out are you guys?

>So you make DIRECT contact with it, right, skin and everything?

>Alright what hand do you use?

Oh shit forgot a few

>Okay so as you go through his pockets...

>After you hear the click...

>*rolls an ungodly amount of d8's, then chuckles*

i wrote an article back in the 90s called "the Last Word" which had a bunch of these. i think some people might have posted it since then.
Basically, any time the DM stops and stares at Player X and says something along the line of "Are you sure?" is a good reason to reconsider that plan of action.

>so, I prepared a map...

>But it's what my character would do...

>so... how would you describe your characters current actions?
>he's not actively looking for threats right?

I take it you've had some shit GMs?

>Guys, I just want to remind that if things get too bad, fleeing is always an option in my games.
EVERY
FUCKING
TIME

The worst thing is, he doesn't make fleeing easy either.

>[Pregnant Pause] you can try.
>Now I'm not trying to stop you
And my personal favourite,
>Ah! That reminds me

Player: While the king is talking...
GM: What's your marching order again?
Player: [impatiently interrupting important exposition] I understand; I understand.
GM: You guys have read Lovecraft, right? Well, this monster...
GM: Does anybody have any immunities?

>I need you to roll perception.

>Okay. What's your defense?

>Huh. Can you roll stealth real quick?

>I need two willpower checks. Minus [number] penalty, by the way.

Welcome to world of Darkness. What you don't see first is going to kill you. So will what sees you first.

what crazy kind of monsster is this manager?
Oh wait, answered it myself.

>I've never done any of these
>My group loves me for it
Feels good.

>I've had a DM that did MOST of these
>In one fucking campaign
>It was a PREMADE ADVENTURE PATH
I actually hate the word grin now. He fucking said it so fucking often
Fuck you Chris you piece of shit.
Liches, demons with beaks, and fucking spore clouds cannot grin you smug fuck

>I roll Intimidate

I do this one a lot but its due to my players cutting me off mid sentence a lot

>"Ooooookay then"
>*sounds of GM going through their notes*

> "AHAH! I've got "X", there's nothing you can do against me!"

(This actually followed me into the KOTOR MMO, was tanking a robot I did not knew had a knockback, at the time)

>Seriously? Well, Ok...

Rolled 9 (1d20)

>liches cannot grin

They can't "begin to"
at any rate. They either always are or never are based on decomposition.
Certainly can't/shouldn't do it fucking 5 times in a single goddamn fight. At the very least, I wouldn't mind if he used any other goddamn word, but no.

TL:DR you cheeky cunt you know what I meant

I mean if the party genuinely failed the checks to notice whatever it is then they don't get a chance to react as they were caught off guard.

"You encounter a wicked Vizier..."

ESPECIALLY TRUE IN EXALTED

>Face is literally a skull
>Somehow has eyelids
Holy shit, I've never noticed this until now. I guess I always saw it as a convention of Rich's drawings.

>What are you going to do, stab me?

>Just position yourself on this map for me

Would I be a terrible person for randomly making the party roll perception checks for no reason?

>y'all wanna meet up and play D&D?

> X is busy and Y has a date. Z said he may make it but has alot of homework so I guess we'll have to cancel.

>"I haven't checked yet, but I'm pretty sure I can make it tomorrow"

>Player says something along the lines of "I hope X doesn't happen"
>GM says "High or low?"

>ME WEEPING ORK
>UNUSUAL NAME, YES?

With my group? Any time we announce our roll, and there's a brief pause before our usual GM says, "Okay, here's what happens." At this point, the entire table flinches.

I struggle, but I don't think I've ever done this one. I let the hitches get their pointless pre-actions from paranoia out of the way every time, because if it's advantaged or sneaky, they're fucked if they're fucked no matter how many weapons they ready or bottles they chug.

>Hey guess who's back

>It's an elf...

>the lady smiles at your character

One of my favorite sessions in recent memory was running an encounter with a mysterious, deprived noblewoman who ran debauched orgies and feasts in her manor every night. Kept referring to the PCs as delicious, delectable morsels and so forth. It was exquisite.

Makes sense if you're describing something they see but this phrase usually is said before some bullshit happens

probably the worst

>Hold on, I got a call from my girlfriend -- she's coming over.

>Which hand are you using to open that door?

>It's not technically against the rules

>What could possibly go wrong?
>It can't get any worse than this.
>At least it's not raining.

>So; fun fact
>Take [x] ability damage
>Oh no, this won't take long

If you play irl, you should sometimes roll dice for no reason. It's a very basic GM trick.

If your game is sandbox-y and your game depends on what NPCs do offscreen and you're caught off guard, rolling odd-even can be a good way to determine what an NPC will do, and is probably a less important thing than the players think. If you do this enough, they'll get used to it and won't read into it.

It's a lot harder to do on the internet, though, because you could just roll on your home table and rolling online for no reason looks pretentious.

Man, I fucking love Dwarf Fortress. If I was a millionaire, Toady One would be getting a hefty donation.

You enter a room

>unbeknownst to you, the Orc was female and pregnant.
>her belly rumbles ominously
>roll initiative

I don't see what's wrong with many of these. Can you elaborate?

Has this ever been preceded by a player trying to do far too much in one turn?

> As they look at you, their face appears emotionless. Roll (insight skill).
>Looking closely, you see (subtle, almost unconscious expressions of threatening emotion).

>*Rolls dice*
>OK, I'll make a note of that.

I sort of switch-GM with anotehr member of our group and we both have this habit. Most of the time when I do I'm merely rolling dice for effect before making shit up as it's fun to unnerve my players.

Whenver he does it, it means he's consulted one of the 2000 autistic tables he currently has open on his laptop because he takes "random events" to their retarded conclusion.

>Alright things are too boring time for suffering.

This is the result of a DM who's had to deal with "BUT I WAS ALREADY CASTING MUH SPELL" too many times.

Also players who won't shut the fuck up.

God I miss playing with my dad. I really need to get that started up again.