I've completely lost control of my campaign and I feel like absolute shit

I'm sorry man. That's fucking awful. But speaking from experience, I can tell you that that sort of interaction is worse than no interaction at all. I understand overlooking shit because you lack other good options, but there's still a line.

>The players declaring that the quest hook was "dumb and someone else's business"
If they don't bite on your hooks, I think the proper course of action is to close your books and say "Okay, well that was all the stuff I had prepared. Since you guys are going off in a different direction than I anticipated, I'll need some time to plan what comes next. So we'll just pick things up next time we get together." Then they learn that if they go out of their way not to cooperate, the game ends. Plus, you legitimately get to prepare shit instead of frantically trying to pull something out of your ass.

>Someone spilling iced tea all over my battle maps while I'm in the bathroom and everyone laughing about how nobody will fess up to who did it
If nothing was damaged, I would simply be very unamused. If there was actual damage, I'd rage quit.

If you want to keep playing with these fuckers, might I suggest Paranoia? Somebody is obnoxious and you get to execute their character on the spot. Somebody says something out of character that distracts from the game? "What did you say citizen?" There is no out-of-character unless you feel like it. You're *supposed* to abuse your players in Paranoia. And best of all, you get to pit them against each other. Just be sure to reward the ones that play along in any particular situation.

Why is Dave Mitchel in his soapbox garb there?

As you can expect from random guys you meet playing MTG. Just say that you aren't interested anymore, and they should be fine with it as they clearly aren't interested themselves.

You don't have to be sincere of course. While putting the game off with them, find other people if possible or spend your time in a way that doesn't make you feel like absolute shit. What other people have said in this thread is pretty much on the dot.

Jeez, what the fuck level of autistic fucks would do ha-
>chucklefucks at my community college
Found your problem.

Quite seriously OP, in the words of my mentor, "If you surround yourself with failure, you can only ever expect failure". Fuck FNM, fuck this "human interaction". Tell them to fuck off and cut off all ties with them at once. They are less than human beings, and sticking around with them will only drag you down.

>dnd isn't a job or responsibility
>Goes onto describe how you're responsible to the table for them having fun against your own desire to have fun
How about get bent?

I have a grand argument with a lot of people about the point of D&D mastering, the freedom and the randomness allowed. I will try to describe arguments of the both sides, and, maybe, you'll say what you think of them.

Side one: the game should be interesting for the players, at all costs. That would mean, that master should, at every time, change the world around them, to fit them. There should never be an unfair encounter in D&D. There should never be a situation, where players have no good way to win the battle. Even more, if the players' party dies stupdly, dies to an enemy being lucky, or being just too strong, DM should interfere in the fight, to let the players survive. Noone likes to die to a crit. Noone likes to die to an unnamed orcs in a random encounter. Player dying means his whole story dies with him, and it is almost impossible to continue it. Therefore, it shouldn't happen.

But of course players should die. And they should die for the mistakes they make. If the player fucked up somewhere, then he should be punished. If the player did a stupid move, and found himself in the circle of enemies, then he should die. Maybe if the player makes a conscious decision to sacrifice himself, that death will boost the drama, that would help the story, then that death is allowed. But killing players essentially for the sake of random is a shitty gameplay.

Side 2: The D&D should be fair for both sides, the players and the enemies alike. If the monster crits and player dies, then so be it. That's what the crits were made for, sometimes someone can get lucky. If the player dies, and all his story dies with him, you should make a new story. But the main point is, that the players, just as the real people in real life, should try to actually stay alive. They should prepare. They should say "No" to a guy, that asks them to infiltrate the heavily guarded castle. They should at least have some plan, if they go there. Side one says, that the players should only be punished for their mistakes. I am more or less agreed with that. But you should understand, that the bad decision making counts as a mistake. Even the shitty build counts as a mistake. If your party consists of shitty characters, that cannot fight, then they should all die, if they encounter the mere kobolds. Yes, kobolds are stronger. Yes, this fight is 'unfair'. But how satisfying would it be, if the whole game adapted to that shitty characters? What is even the point of stats and rolls, if the bad characters do just as good, as a bad ones? What the point of dices, if the bad rolles are banned? What's the point of the whole system? What players should do, even if their stats and classes are bad, they should seek the way to win. To survive. Just as every sane person IRL would do. They should seek their strengths, they should create tactics that build on that strengths. and when they overcome the problems, that's when they'll feel they've actually WON. And the Side One's system looks like the players are retarded, and they want to win, without putting any real effort to it.

>DnD isn't a job or responsibility

It's not a fucking daycare either.

Yeah, there's a reason these guys were hanging out at a community college gaming club. Most of the worthwhile players are playing in more clique-ish games because they don't want to play with assclowns.

Pearls before swine, user. If you feel obligated to do this to get rides, don't play the straight man anymore. Make the campaign kinda stupid/funny(see: Oglaf) and don't pour your heart and soul into adventures. No nobleman's balls, they get some cave full of goblins.

This is sage advice, user. I found myself in the same situation for years trying to impress friends so I didn't lose em. If you have to do things for them or be a certain way that is disadvantageous to yourself, they aren't your friends and never were

Jesus Christ man. Time to cut the dead weight.

I'd fucking love a couple guys like you in my group.

But we also do blow and play mtg while narrating it GOT style so there's that.

That you'd willingly put up with anything you've described says a lot about you as a "person"

>Friday Night Magic
You should know what sort of people you've gotten involved with by now.

>Seven different instances of the barbarian declaring that he whips out his dick
Oh god, believe it or not I had this happen. People think that if you play barbarian you are literally an ape that can intimidate others with his dick. OP do yourself a favor and just leave these guys. It might hurt at first but you will be better of in the long run.

Randomly pick one player each night to have a "private side quest" with.

Then rape them. Eventually being exposed to your seed will breed compliance, and the fear of being violated will discourage their outbursts.

>A player getting up from the table and leaving for an hour because he had to skype his girlfriend
That's just rude as fuck, unless it was a literal emergency
>Fifteen straight minutes of lanky kong memes because I described a character as looking "lanky"
That sounds pretty funny desu but I may just be retarded
>Seven different instances of the barbarian declaring that he whips out his dick so the thief can blow him, met with uproarious laughter from the table each time
>An hour long derail brought about by one of the players declaring he moons a nobleman at a party so he gets thrown in jail for the night
It seems like your group just has no interest in actual RPing so you if that's what you're after from D&D you may have little choice but to drop the group

I have no idea why I linked the post every time I replied to a different part of it I swear I'm not a newfag

Blreh. Hyena pack may may trolls are such a delight to hang out with. General consensus in this thread is "fuck em"

I could only condone meming (if they can keep it to about three minutes and know when the joke's run dry) and fucking up the names (if it's been a while since talking/referring to the character or they're making a point that they don't respect the character enough to use their actual name). I do that name bit myself, keep it rare and useful and it can stay funny way longer than it should.
>had to skype
Fuck off had to, that's wanted to
>get thrown in jail
He stays in jail, reroll character.
>getting told that I need to lighten up when I ask if anyone is actually in the mood for a game
No one answered seriously, so no game
>"dumb and someone else's business"
It becomes their business or there's no game
>whips out his dick
You're obviously playing with children
>Someone spilling iced tea all over my battle maps while I'm in the bathroom and everyone laughing about how nobody will fess up to who did it
They're not respecting you or your work and don't have the fucking balls to come clean, there's no question at this point that they're pure cancer.

While the correct answer is that you should mass poison them and burn their carcasses in a furnace, the socially acceptable thing to do is to tell them that the game is cancelled and try cobbling up together a new group. It may be hard and a lot of work, but better take your chances with a new batch than wait until your kidneys die from frustration.

>Fuck 'em.

You have a hell of a tolerance user. Here's what you should do; start a game online, pick a simple and common system like 5e, run one shots every week where you have to bring a new character every week, but tell them to keep their previous sheets.

You then just do an attrition grind doing constant recruiting and booting the worst player until you have a group of 5 players that get along and can make the schedule

Then all of their surviving characters join up together for some reason and you start the real plot.

and let me join

Forever DM detected.

Make someone else DM for a while. They probably just can't empathize.

>WTF this is actually really stressful.

Maybe not a newfag, but you are certainly an idiot.

Drop them. Dropping bodies is too optional, but ditching the group isn't.

I feel both of these sides have some truth to them.

Players should die, and it should be as much from their own fuckups as it is from "Shit just happens"
That's part of adventuring, obviously. You can, and will die, even to normal, underwhelming mooks.

But an unblanaced fight can be interesting. Half the party fleeing from a fight while half the party wanted to fight it created a far more interesting situation than if we just sat down and murdered some bandits for 5 hours.

The game should be interesting for the players, but not necessarily at the DM's expense. Ideally, both sides should be having fun and working together, rather than against, to create an interesting and fun story. A DM that's too rigid is just as boring as a DM who deus-ex-machina's everything.

I feel so sorry for you.

I can't imagine having such low self-esteem and such low self-respect to allow myself to put up with the type of shit you just endure.

You are a pussy.

People do this to you because they know they can get away with it. You are a pushover, a pansy, a Momma's boy. They know you aren't going to say or do shit, so they walk all over you.

Does it feel good, doormat? Do you enjoy being treated this way?

Time to stop jacking off to cartoon Asians all day and grow some fucking testicles.

Respect yourself and others will respect you.

Until then, enjoy being a little sissy who gets taken advantage of like the faggot you are.

Sounds like OP's idea of a fun game round is experiencing an immersive story, not fratting it up with the dudebros.

I put as much effort into DM'ing as my players put effort into their gaming. It sounds like the players want a murderhobo campaign so give them a murderhobo campaign. There's no point in torturing yourself trying to come up with original stuff when all the players want is tropes and tropes.
At the same time though, has a point. Your groups knows they can take advantage of you and they disrespect you for that.

jimllpaintit.tumblr.com/
Artist that paints absurd requests in MS Paint.
So basically no real context, just someone wanting a weird picture and getting it.

You can't lose control if you never had it to begin with!
That's my GM philosophy

There are two types of rpg players, those for whom the inherent fun of role-playing takes precedence and those who use it as a vehicle for shooting the shit and irk shitposting

>ywn bully your GM into such total submission that he lets you spill drinks on his battle mats just so he can get a ride to FNM

No gaming is always better than shitty gaming.

If these chuckleheads aren't going to take your game seriously, they don't deserve to be in it. Hell, if they're going to take advantage of you this badly, they don't deserve your company at all.

This looks like the weirdest Wikihow picture ever.

If you consider storytelling and improvising unfun work, you shouldn't be a DM.

The point of the game is to have fun with people, not force your epic quest and structured scenarios down their throats. -- If you want to do that you should write a book.

>Fifteen straight minutes of lanky kong memes because I described a character as looking "lanky"
Did you try telling them "nice meme guys, but let's keep playing, alright"?

>>A player getting up from the table and leaving for an hour because he had to skype his girlfriend
Tell him he's not getting any experience during that time, and if that doesn't scare him, let another player play his character.

>An hour long derail brought about by one of the players declaring he moons a nobleman at a party so he gets thrown in jail for the night
The guards should've tried to kill him instead.

>>A player intentionally remembering every character's names because he thinks its funny when I correct him so he can repeat an even fucking stupider incorrect name like a jackass
Stop correcting him. Let him deal with the consequences of saying the wrong name, if any.

>Getting told that I need to lighten up when I ask if anyone is actually in the mood for a game
Explain to them that you're taking a lot of time out of your week to prepare the game, and you want to make sure that using that time, and using their time, is worth it.

>The players declaring that the quest hook was "dumb and someone else's business" and then leaving for the next settlement after I finally managed to get things on track enough to give them something to do
If this commonly occurs, either adapt to their style or just tell them straight out that this quest hook is where the game is.

>Seven different instances of the barbarian declaring that he whips out his dick so the thief can blow him, met with uproarious laughter from the table each time
Either ignore it since they're having fun, or have it so the barbarian gets castrated.

>Someone spilling iced tea all over my battle maps while I'm in the bathroom and everyone laughing about how nobody will fess up to who did it
Explain to them the concept of money and paying for damages.

Alternatively, just stop playing with them since you're not compatible.