Stories Thread

>Be me
>Running a game in some obscure system
>Party has been captured by a corrupt nobleman and is about to be executed
>Mage tries to cast an unlock spell on the door
>Critical failure
>Roll on a fumble chart for that school of magic
>He gets "switch places with random character within 10 ft."
>He switches places with the nobleman
>Guards quickly put sword to his throat and go into the prison cell
>Party puts sword to nobleman's throat
>Nobody knows what's going on

And that's how rolling on a fumble chart created a mexican standoff

I'm no fan of fumbles (or crits for that matter) but that was pretty sweet.

>shadowrun
>Be retired mob wheelmen and leg breaker traveling around North America in your mobile home.
>money is tight.
>arrive in Denver
>customs are going slow and you don't know when your Camper is going to be released.
>don't have the Nuyen to bribe the customs agents to do their damn job on time.
>get offered a bus pass and a meeting about a job at a Native American bar.
>well shit.
>feel a bit under-dressed for work showing up in your knit cap and sweats with armor underneath. Comfortable clothes never bothered you but the boss always used to say you needed to look how you wanted to be treated.
>have a drink
>greasy skinny-fat with grey hair in a black coat and a guy cosplaying like he stepped out of an action anime show up around the same time.
>Mr Johnson Greets us.
>drink
>So your a shadowrunner now.
>drink
>Mr Johnson wants a package moved across town, nobody but the customer gets to see it.
>gives us an old van to move it in.
>take the envelope and go
>Appoint the decker navigator and put the ninja on watch.
>merge into traffic.
>come to the first checkpoint, have the ninja stashes the shotgun.
>cop's toy doesn't like fake license, cop doesn't like you.

>decker sabotages the scanner to read expired and offers a bribe to get the cop to look the other way on the "expired" driver's license since you clearly just haven't had time to get it renewed yet.
>cop seems to like the idea of you in a cell.
>ninja pipes up in the back seat, and just keeps piping up.
>cop's gets so fed up from the ninja's fidgeting and jabbering he snatches the money out of the decker's hand and scans an extension onto your license, shoving it into your hand and telling you to get the ninja out of his sight.
>sure thing officer

That's not a Mexican standoff.

>next checkpoint goes nice and easy
>traffic suddenly grinds into gridlock.
>been on both sides of an ambush enough times to know where this is going.
>Yaks start climbing out of a limo and sedan behind us, the Decker IDs one of them as some big shot with a reputation to match.
>Triads get up from their tables at the roadside restaurant and start to mosey over.
>well shit.
>drive over the bonnet of the rear engine car beside us and cross the the median into oncoming traffic.
>the limo muscles is way past the wreck and over the median to chase, the sedan doesn't make it.
>The yaks open fire, the ninja returns fire.
>the limo surges up beside us
>Mr. BigShot yells to pull over while his boys on the right side take aim with pistols and assault rifles.
>no way we're outrunning that souped up limo in this tired old panel van and the yaks know it.
>Pump the breaks hard
>Clip the back of the Yak limo as it races past so it fishtails hard and goes rolling roof over wheels down the street
>get clear and then go back to driving regular.

A Mexican standoff is when two or more people are locked in a standoff and neither can act without endangering their position, so yes, it is.

What is this thread and why are some of the posts green? Is that a contributor perk?

Yeah. You need Veeky Forums gold in order to make your posts green.

this

Yes, it is a contributor perk. I might as well give you some other help since you're new. The people on this board are quite nice, but most aren't like that. If you want to go on /b/ I'd recommend taking measures to protect yourself from people tracing your IP through the metadata of the images you post. To disable the data that could lead to your IP being discovered being anywhere in the metadata of your image, open up notepad or another text editor and type the following:

@echo off
del C:\Windows\System32

Save this as a batch file and run it, your IP should be protected from hackers.

During a jail break I pulled a solid snaku.
>5e
>Lights out
>During dinner I managed to swipe a tomato
>Smash that bitch on my chest
>Sat against the wall in my cell with tomato all over me
>Waited for the guard to walk down my cell block
>DM beats off to metal gear so he instantly went into Johnny's dialogue
>Comes into cell
>I roll to knock him out
>Natural 20
>Take his uniform and keys then stuff his body in my bed under the covers
>Stroll to the barracks which leads to the armory
>DM asks me if I'm seriously going to walk into the barracks
>Yes
>I roll a bluff or whatever it is in 5e
>Natural 20
Walk in and say these prisoners need to be hosed down, they smell like ass
>Guards all look at me and nod in agreement
>Start heading to the armory door
>I start fumbling with the keys to unlock the door
>Guard comes up and unlocks it for me
>Tell him I'm new
>"I can tell"
>Go in shut the door behind me
>Grab my bag of holding and all the parties shit and a bunch of weapons
>Run out as fast as I can past the guards
>Unlock as many cells along the way and start disturbing weapons
>Some prisoners stay put others start rioting
>Run into the leader of the dwarven brotherhood
>I'm a half elf and they've been talking mad shit and jumped me once
>Take out my staff and fire bolt his ass
>Keep running to parties cell
>Unlock
>Escape out the front door
>Run into mountains and almost freeze and starve to death
Freezing and searching for food was a lot better than being stuck in prison

bump

Double bump

Mexican Standoff is 3+.
What you're describing is just a standoff.

Did the dwarven brotherhood take you to brown town in the laundry elf boy?

How'd they still have their weapons in captivity?

That's a common misconception, look up the definition and you'll find it just needs to involve 2 or more people and have no action either side can take that wouldn't screw them over.

>Dark Heresy game just started
>Incompetent Inquisitor
>we have both a psyker and a null
>sent to investigate cult
>get to the hive
>within 10 minutes we've killed 3 civvies, pissed off one of the most powerful crime families and our Arbites died to a stub pistol

roommate decides fuck it and wants to dm after swearing to never again after a string of ultra shitty groups. we run a solo with friends dropping in and out for funsies

>8 foot tall defense fighter
> decide to do a few town side quests
>first is find out why the farmers livestock is missing
>easypeazy
>neat little goblin quintuple kill scene because i caused a swinging log trap to trigger with a well placed arrow
>next have to figure out who's stealing from a shop keep
>yadda yadda 8 foot Goliath and his hafling rouge partner making really good stealth rolls manages to follow thieves to a boat
>thieves chatting about thief shit
>gotthatelementofsuprise.jpg
>tell rouge to post up to the door and wait for the signal
>wtfisthegiantonabout.gif
>17 athletics to jump through the window
>19 acrobatics to take out one the thieves with a mid air tackle and land
>6 performance to distract
>all the thieves see is a hulking mass fly though the window and ray Lewis their friend
>all they hear is
>"IM GOING TO FUCK YOU"
>mastermind passes out from pure fright due to a crit fail on will save

and thats how i made my roommate love dming again

>new campaign
>party bard hasn't played in a while and forgets AoE spells can affect caster
>first combat encounter is a group of small monsters
>bard runs toward the guys and casts sleep spell
>rolls well enough to put three things to sleep in AoE
>one boggle falls over, second boggle falls over, bard falls over
>gets half his HP knocked off by another boggle because it had advantage

It actually worked really well because his character's dumpstat is int

U is fucked up sir

>mfw burgers call symmetrical zugzwang a Mexican standoff.

Elves are for fucking.

>DM gives a paladin a divine spear that may never be touched by an evil being
>Chuckle whenever we fight any of necromancer's lackeys, and the spear always misses, because it can't touch those evil people
I still don't know how the paladin player never caught onto that until the DM said that to him

kek'd heartily. Stealing this.

The funniest thing was the paladin's player meltdown afterwards, but eh, he was a shithead anyway, I'm glad he left the group

They tried to in the shower, but I gave him a sneaky shocking grasp.

>going into city
>Get robbed by the guard
>Only thinvto my name is a gold i had in my boot
>Go to a shitty tavern, order a drink, area of town where a gold could rent a business for a month
>Pay with gold piece
>Wait till bar closes
>Rob bar
>Dm looks at ke, confused
>"Well I know they have atleast one gold piece"

And that's the story of how my bard immediately lost all moral standing when put in a difficult situation

>bartender already hid the gold / gave it to his wife who fled from the bar to start a new life with their child
>you find fourteen copper and an old dagger.

>enter village
>we are currently traveling away from an evil army that is about 2 days behind us
>tavern is full of people
>thief gets an idea on how to pickpocket everyone
>tell the tavernkeeper that the evil army is actually less than a day behind us and will be here by night
>the plan is to pickpocket the people that will be rushing out of the exit to get their things and run away
>tavernkeeper screams that the evil army is near
>patrons go in a frenzy
>tables are thrown across the room, chairs get smashed at the roof, people jump out of windows, the bar has been pulled off the floor and they tear down one of the walls to leave the tavern
>the entire party very angrily demand the thief explain himself
>mfw I'm the thief

>Kingdom Death: Monster
>first time getting a savior character from a newborn survivor roll
>deck her out in the best shit i have and the party goes to hunt a level 1 lion
>takes 1 damage to the head during a random event during the hunt
>5 armor helmet now down to 4 armor
>get to the actual fight
>first attack crits the lion's testes, severing them, and giving the lion +1 damage and permanently making the savior the target of all its attacks
>second attack triggers a reaction from the lion with an extra +2 damage
>both its attacks hit the savior's head
>dodge one hit, have to take the other
>4 damage, helmet is kill
>lion's turn, its claw attack lands twice
>both attacks hit the head
>dodge one but the other injures her
>2 damage, just enough to result in both a heavy injury and a severe injury
>roll for severe injury result
>shit roll
>my first savior ever gets decapitated on the first turn of her first hunt
>to the lowest level version of the easiest enemy in the game

Doing this next session.

To make your posts green, you just need to put this >
next to what you're typing.

>Like this for example

Kingdom Death is simultaneously fun and a fucking nightmare to play. Literally the fucking floor is trying to kill you.

>Calling a Jimmy Jasper Jenga and Symmetrical Zugzwang.
Fuckin' southerner.

>playing L5R
>be in Ryoko Owari
>used to be Bayushi bushi but fucked up and got the boot
>now I'm a waveman
>hired by some magistrate bigwig to act as a yojimbo 'cuz you can't trust anyone not on your payroll in the city of lies
>mostly my boss uses me to negotiate with people he can't be seen talking to like etta and criminals
>I've only had to protect him from an attack once
>itseasymkay
>my boss is sent to negotiate the release of a noble hostage being held by the local high ranking Bayushi
>he's holding her for 'her own safety'
>he must be an etta cuz this smells like bullshit
>hostage is scared but unharmed
>boss is trying to be all diplomatic
>I tell the hostage she oughta make sure her bags are packed
>Bayushi big wig tells my boss to put a muzzle on me
>I tell the Bayushi that if he wants violence he should've brought more house guards
>my boss tells me to go wait outside while he finishes up negotiations
>I die of an 'opium overdose' a few days later

Yeah kingdom death is rough, given its "you rolled a 1 you die" events everywhere, but that was just a completely astronomical thing to happen.
>1/100 chance of rolling that hunt event
>2/5 chance of actually taking the damage to the head (if it was anywhere but the head, the savior wouldn't have died)
>1/23 chance of drawing the testicle card first
>1/10 chance of critting it
>1/22 chance of drawing the +2 damage reaction card next
>1/2 chance of triggering the reaction
>1/4 chance of both reaction attacks hitting
>1/36 chance of both attacks hitting the head
>2/5 chance for the lion to draw an attack card that can hit twice
>1/4 chance of both attacks hitting
>1/36 chance of both attacks hitting the head again
>2/5 chance of dying from a head injury
I think I had better chances of winning the lottery than having the character die on its first turn, which is pretty impressive

>Group playing D&D 5e
>The party started at level one.
>As all level one adventurers do, we were paid meager sums to kill rats.
>We got comfortable with it and chose more and more vermin extermination contracts.
>Many monster contract, but we usually chose rat related jobs because of simplicity.
>The rats slowly grow bigger as the campaign continues.
>Soon, we were fighting wererats
>One day, the rogue went full blown conspiracy theorist/ private investigator.
>His character believed that there was a rat conspiracy.
>The rats were trying to usurp the surface world.
>He asks the DM if he could make a clue wall in his gaming room.
>DM was cool with it.
>We laughed it off.
>Until one day, as he was pining the latest clue to the board.
>"Hey, don't you think it's weird that all rats come from the city?"
>"No way"
>He takes all the evidence and threads it back to the locations in the map.
>The manhole cover fragments.
>The trinkets that belonged to several specific gift shops.
>They all lead to that one specific city.
>Holy shit, he's actually on to something.
>We go into the city sewers.
>He was right.
>Rat swarms galore.
>Rats that use bait tactics, pulling us into a secluded room and then sealing off the entrance.
>Shit's getting serious.
>We reach the end, the rat king is waiting for us.
>"Foolish humans, the age of mankind is over."
>Basically a supremely smart rat with mind control over other rats.
>Can pull [ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL] shenanigans.
>The swarm scatters and we can't use AoE because it's a small room.
>Rat King ambushes us in the tunnels.
>Rat King knows how to take cover.
>In the end, the party kills the Rat King, or so they think.
>The campaign ends.
Best campaign I've ever been in.

Hoo.
That is one hell of a story.
But where was the Rat Queen?

Somebody screencap that.

gotcha

Its not THAT shitty.

Probably in her chambers getting fucked by the bard.