Field Kit Inspection: Standard Issue Uprising Edition

At attention, guardsmen! Form up, neat and orderly, or I'll shoot you myself!

It has come to my attentions, that one of you has been using the Regimental command Chimera for, "recreational" purposes. I.e. tying a steel cable around it, before venting the atmosphere from the hanger, and watching it soar out into the void.

Well I'm going to tell you all right now th-!
...
....
.....

...Very well. I'll alert them immediately...

*AHEM!* ...It seems I'm going to have to cut this short, as I have just been informed, that our regiment is being rerouted from it's three day leave on the Casino filled paradise world of "Nevida", to instead deal with more pressing matters. As we have just received an urgent distress call, from a nearby ecclesiastical world known as "Dracolese". Apparently they are being overwhelmed by the forces of of the Arch-enemy, and all local forces are needed there ASAP!

So, while we await the transition into realspace. I am calling for a surprise field kit inspection, to help steel your determination!

As such, present arms and armour for a Field Kit Inspection!

>Welcome to ''Field Kit Inspection", home of the 'Unknown Regiment". Feel free to join in! Remember though, we tend to use spoilers for OOC chat, while greentexts for are used for describing a character's actions. D20s are for combat checks and d100s for other things you wish to roll, with higher being better.

Hey who do I talk to if I want some weapons fixed?

That's a true shame my honored commissar, yes.
I'm your new...quartermaster, yes

Third company is prepped, and ready to go on your orders, Commissar! We're ready to strike fear into the hearts of those foul traitors, with every shot we've got!

That would be the Quarter Master, Gunnery Sergeant Rias Wyvern.

Once again, I'd suggest you talk to Gunnery Sergeant Rias Wyvern.

Hey, you. Strange inferior xenos specimen. I want new shuriken pistols mine are fucked. Or better I suppose.

Hell yeah, I've never rape a chaos asshole before

You! where is the male you promised Lag'!

Let me rephrase that, who do I talk to if I want some weapons fixed *discreetly*

Yes honored queen, follow me...
>Spits on his visor
Of course captain, I'll talk to her in a moment
I have supplies that need my immediate attention, yes

R-Rerou- ya gotta be shitting me, I've been savin' up for weeks for that! Can't the damn heretics wait 'till I've had a coupla hands of blackjack?

Rolled 2 (1d100)

*roll to reflect spit and throw it back with telekinesis*

>Matthias would see a tiny version of himself let out a sigh, through his mind's eye.
>He bloody hated dealing with these damned Xeno infiltrators. But rules were rules, and he simply wasn't allowed to execute them.
>...Yet...
>He would nod his head.

I'm afraid I couldn't tell you, trooper.

>she follows the merchant,but also oulls out a small plasma pistol,just in case

Ah here we are, this meat, erm I mean human is Jeff
>Points at a guy in rags
He's from an underhive, yes.
>Brings Jeff to Lag
Here's your delivery yes

He is clearly not a trooper. He's a fucking eldar! Are you blind captain?

*sighs visibly*
Well I guess I will just take it up with the quarter master when I find them being the loyal trooper of the mon'kleigh imperium that I am.

>A small carrier bearing symbols of the Administratum would enter the hanger, drop off a small container in the center of the hanger then fly away
>The shutters would roll up, revealing an adept of the Administratum, holding what appears to be a large metal briefcase
Adept Viktor Morvos, here to provide emergency aid to the hive o- wait a fucking minute, this isn't a devastated hive city. Where the fuck am I?

>The Hospitaller would place a gentle hand upon the Sergeant's shoulder.
>She really HAD spent the better part of a week and a half, by Van Kleez's side, after his recent injuries.

Doesn't seem like you're going to get to spend your life's savings anytime soon, Sergeant! You'll just have to suffice for the thrill of possibly throwing away your life, in the name of the God-Emperor, and Lord Commander Guilliman.

An eldar! What a funny joke you are playing!
As if an eldar could infiltrate a mon'kleigh regiment! What a hilarious joke!

>she inspects this "jeff",searching for any sign of Illness or another "problem"
and you are sure he will suffice?

Indeed you're not, Adept. You're on an Imperial strike crusier called the "Eagle's Fury".

>He would flash the man a quick salute.

Captain Matthias' Wyvern, commanding Officer of the Regiment's third Company.

Hmmm yes, Jeff should meet all the standarts you listen yesterday...which were none, yes
But I assure you honorable hrud, he's healthy and at the peak of human performance, some would say he's an...how od they say, ah yes astartes material, kept obidient by the shock collar, yes.
Are you dissatisfied with your purchase honorable queen?

>He would plant a firm, painful boot, upon the trooper's own foot. Rubbing it in harshly, in order to shut him the hell up.

Best not let the Commissar hear you say that, trooper...

If you say so merchant,Lag' is not dissatisfied
>she turns to Jeff
Have you anything to say my prize?

Your wish is my command

>he presents the same things as last time with few exceptions:
>Flintlock pistol, gunpowder and ammunition
>Worn robes and an old staff
>Metal mask and two obsidian-black fake eyes (slightly too large)
>old boots and his daily ration of Nutri-Slurry

Wonderfully done captain!
Also I'm pretty sure there is a sex slave thing going on round the corner that you should deal with.

>he has a slightly harrowed look in his eye
>he shrugs her hand off
Oh boy, what a holiday.

You've just been subjected to the worst c-clerical error of your life. Welcome to the regiment!
Now I think about it, this is how we receive a surprising number of our recruits.

>the adept hastily returns the salute, before removing several scrolls from within the depths of his coat, along with several quills
>The adept hastily scribbles several lines on blank spaces on the scrolls, using each of the 7 quills at least 3 times.
Uh, ok, Captain... >the adept adjusts the goggles he's wearing slightly as he looks at the captain's nameplate
Matthias, I need you to sign here, here, initials here, name in print here, sign this in duplicate, and this in triplicate, for my statement as to why I'm not currently assisting in the rebuilding of the Hive City Atrepolis.

>leaving the sergeant alone, the sister walks up to the new Administratum agent

Hello there I am Illya, and its time for your mandatory medical check up please follow me this way

>she places her hand on his shoulder, and trys to herd him through the doors

>A hunched fugure comes near the captain
Honorable captain, where can I find the gunnery sergeant you wanted me to see?

Then follow Lag',Before the others get worried
>she begins to drag the poor human to god knows where

A medical check up you say...
>the man procures even more scrolls and quills
I need you to sign here, here, here and here, initials in triplicate here, one signed in cerulean blue, one in navy blue, and one in cerulean blue, full name in print here, a copy of your medical qualifications here, initials here, here, and here, and for you to fill out this form registering the completion of a routine health check up. In quadruplicate.

>the sister smiles and forces him to walk towards the corridor

oh I will sweetie, but that's for after. now lets just do the exam then I will happily fill out all the paper work in the segmentum

Ho-lee shit this regiment is as dumb as bricks...

>the man slowly puts the scrolls back into his coat
That's fine I guess... it's only a medical inspection I suppose, what's the worst that could happen?

Then you m-make a fine addition.

>he shouts after him
You shouldn't have said that!

Now now there, there's no reason to insult yourself like that. Also how the fuck are you still alive.

Huh

Rolled 29 (1d100)

>once they are in a nice secluded section of the ship, she begins the exam

>rolling for how through the exam is

Kleez I saved your life the other day, I want "not drugs" in return.

To add, my negro, you are an Eldar. Why are you in a fucking guard regiment.

>Never one to sign anything without first reading it. He would spend several moments going over every line of it.
>Should everything seem in order, he would sign off on the forms, before handing them to the Adept, alongside his quill.

It should be in order.

Rolled 30 (1d100)

>rolling for how much PTSD he gets

Again, I'm clearly not an eldar. Look at me.

>Illya's eyes would widen in horror at the sight, of herself.
>I don't think I ever thought I'd have to say that...
W-w-w-WHAT!?! WHO IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME ARE YOU!?

My honored captain, you wanted me to see the gunnery sergeant,yes.
Where can I find her?

Take off your helmet and show your knife ears. Go on.

Take out your heart and let me watch you grow a new one mon'kleigh. That's distinctly not a trait you should have.

>the man looks at the two Hospitalliers confused
ALEEEAEDHGHBLLLLLLF
>he promptly falls to his knees, swatting at the air
HOLY FUCK THESE COLOURS ARE FUCKING INSANE GUYS

Rolled 36, 64 = 100 (2d100)

>looking at my double, I grin a very obviously bad grin

oh just helping about............ALPHA LEGION AWAY FOR THE EMPRAAAAAAAAAAAA

>vanishing in smoke

[roll for coolness and actualy vanishing....not in that order]

>I'd smash my hand into my chest, ripping out my heart and throwing it at your face
Now... you have to... do as I asked...
>I'd slump on the floor, """dead"""

What is this?

I can provide a whole s-selection of not drugs, maybe drugs, definitely drugs, depends-who's-asking drugs...
>he rummages in his coat and tosses the corsair a small pouch

>he looks at her with glazed over eyes
It's fine, I'll wake up any minute now. Aaaany minute now.

>with a realy rather bad look, I run pretty fast through quite a few tunnels

"BYE BOLTER BITCH"

mad ness and autism in a very fun mix

CAPTAIN WATCH THIS CORPSE
WATCH IT CLOSELY
HE JUST TORE OUT HIS FUCKING HEART CAPTAIN

>Matthias would openly sigh at at the sheer stupidity of what had just happened.

She should be around here somewhere...

Well. That went about as poorly as one could expect medical care around here to go...

Hopefully, we'll be in orbit soon...

Of course my honored captain
You can call me over the vox when you know where she's located, yes

>my heart would begin to regenerate, eventually all the fibres re-connecting, and a new heart would now be visible
>After a few seconds it began pumping blood around my body

CAPTAIN ARE YOU FUCKING PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO THIS HERESY?

Lag' has returned from her, "time" with Jeff,do not expect to see him again

>the man stares at this spectacle, mouth agape, before giggling
hehehehe... This is way fucking rad dudes... I can SMELL.... SOUND

>I would mouth to the man "Hydra Dominatus"

Lag' wonders what is going on,are you fighting each other?

Fine, this is me without my fucking helmet.

KNIFE EAR

My honorable biped are you well?
You want to give me all your cash, yes

>the elf nods and drags him into the bowles of the ship before anyone can notice

*hastily reequips helmet*
No idea what you are talking about. Also I recorded that shit with the heart. I'm gonna look this up on spacebook.

>crawls out of a massive weapons crate
Who the hell nabbed two of my fucking plasma pistols. I'll castrate the man who did it.

My... my cashy cash?
>the man thinks for a moment, or potentially trips the fuck out, who knows
Yeah, you can have all my cash
>the man digs deep into his pockets, pulling out several empty ink bottles, and handing them to the robed creature, before sliding up close to the being
What, like, really IS cash though, maaaan?

I recorded your knife ears
My eyes double as cameras

What are you doing Prince-Man?

It was probably a "woman"
Also I want new pistols.
Shuriken equivalent or better.
How do I pay?

>I'd burst out from a random crate
How are we all?

Rolled 13 (1d100)

Hmmm yes this will work nicely honorable biped
Can you also ive all your thrones?
>Roll to convince
Oh honorable sergeant, captain Matthew wanted me to see you

That would be me
step into my office
and dont knock over the wraithknight I spent a lot of time fixing it

Rolled 65 (1d100)

What even like, IS a throne though, maaaan?

Wraithknight?
You are allowed one?
I take it you are familiar with eldar technology then?
*enters office*

Who was it....
Also in trade or thrones. Give me some fancy eldar gear and I'll get you something fun.

maybe I mean like... you should give ME all your thrones, maaaan. Fuck the man and all, y'know?

>he stands in line on crutches having just found out his holiday's been cancelled
*wheeze* Wonderful, thanks.

>Matthias would flash his wife a smile.

It's a pleasure to see you're so enthusiastic about your work, as always Darling!

I will get back to you on that

Lag wonders why are you in there.

>I pick him up and wak off with him

lag says come with me

Rolled 50 (1d100)

>I'd attempt to manifest a power to heal the man of all his injuries

Look on the bright side, Sergeant. You got an entire week and a half off your usual duties. And you got to spend it with me, nrusing you back to health!

I think you should consider that a win-win.

Rolled 10 (1d100)

Fuck off
>I'd try to cast smite on the man

Hmmm stryx are not charitable, but I have to pay for the treasures you gave me
>Gives 50 thrones
Oh honorable sergeant, I'm Ars'andog, captain Wyvern asked me to see you

>with the power doing so little, it still stings and I drop the man

that hurt Lag, lag go back to my mate now


>RUN THE FUCK AWAY

ALPHA LEGION

You are not Lag' who are you?

Excellent my man... excellent
>the man wonders away to the crate he arrived in, collapsing onto the floor

Rolled 21 (1d100)

Rolling to catch that fuck

Hey, I'm almost f-feeling better. Thanks for that.

>he grimaces
Given that I also couldn't fuckin' walk for a week, we'll call it a win-lose at best.

He did? That c-can't be good.

No problem. So we're fighting chaos kookies today? How fun.

Rolled 55 (1d100)

HELL NO

[to escape]

I don't like people stealing from me, ever. You know this.

Just come find me. I'll have your stuff.

allowed? sure I am definitely "allowed" to have it
but yeah I can fix just about anything that isn't nid or ork tech and doesn't require me being a psyker.
of course since you are a crafworld we'll see what I can do
spent two years in commorough but thats different tech I think.
the knight is fixed but I had to take the soul stone because the angry murder ghost tried to kill me
now its just a nice decoration and hat rack

>She would pretend to pout at his words. Her cheeks puffed up, and her lips pushed outwards.

You're so mean, Sergeant! All I am, is kind, and gentle with you nowadays.

>Her face would return to its usual smile at this point.

You could atleast TRY to pretend you enjoyed my company. It would be nice.