Tell me some cool things from Biblical/Abrahamic/Islamic/Hebrew Mythology

Tell me some cool things from Biblical/Abrahamic/Islamic/Hebrew Mythology

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biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 5:33-37&version=KJV
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There is a species of cricket that is kosher

Zaz is a gigantic bird that exists to protect all the smaller birds.

The Nephilim being the offspring of angels and humans always fascinated me. You don't see more of them, but they're described as "might men of old, men of renown". I always thought that they're the demigods that you read about in other mythos

if you take a handful of sand and you let it slip in front of your ear you can hear a Djiin talk if he is near you

Jesus once beat an entire building full of people with a whip full of broken glass.

I don't remember where I heard this, but aren't they supposed to look like Lovecraftian horrors half the time?

they were merchant in a holy place IIRC ?

Goliath is implied to be a Nephilim in some traditions.

The fruit of knowledge is never actually specified and different denominations like the Orthodox church represent it as multiple different fruits

Golems
Angels
Really big monsters

>The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

>I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

>Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

>So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

>Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

It was a vision, but still. If you ever wanted to make a necromancer cleric, there you go.

They were money lenders who charged interest. This was considered to be cheating people, and it was also heresy because they were doing it in the temple.

oh ok

God can be rendered powerless with cold iron.

And for a theological hypothesis, there are a few theologists that think Jesus was basically an ancient Terrence McKenna/Joe Rogan.
>open your mind with dmt duuude
>smoke weed brah
>eat dese mushrooms

Job 41 describes Leviathan, a gigantic fire-breathing sea monster with a thick, armoured hide.

Checked

The Bible is actually Jewish fanfiction on Babylonian myth, and Adam and Eve isn't about the first human pair, but about one of the early Jewish royalty.

The book of Job predates Genesis.

At one point in the Bible, the Philistines managed to steal the Ark of the Covenent from the Israelites and placed it in their temple in Ashdod as an offering to Dagon. Yes, that Dagon. God got pissed off about it, beheaded Dagon, and gave every single Philistine in the area painful cancerous tumors all over their bodies.

The Philistines flipped their shit and decided to move the Ark to different places where it would hopefully not fuck them up as badly. God made the tumors even more painful in retaliation, until the Philistines begged the Israelites to save them and gave offerings to God asking for forgiveness. God then executed the Israelites that he held responsibly for losing the Ark in the first place.

Old Testament God did not fuck around.

Wasn't it that Old Testament God had essentially smacked down entire pantheons of other gods?

>implying Babylonian myth isn't just fan fiction attempting to explain the then-ancient rites of Mu
Absurdly ancient antediluvian settings are criminally underrated. I wonder why nobody uses them.

>whip full of broken glass.
Uhh, really? Biblical citation? Why glass? I thought he just busted their asses with his hands.

>dem tripdubs
G*d damn.

He smacked down the worshipers of the "other gods". As God makes perfectly clear, there are no other gods to worship. Isaiah 45:5, 6

Aliens sent two seeds to the Earth that caused a war and then everyone turned into Tang.

Here's an interesting one: you know how people swear on the Bible? In fact, swearing oaths is forbidden in the Bible.

biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 5:33-37&version=KJV

Checked and Amplified.

>NGE is biblical fanfiction.

Its a type of whip, he sat on the steps and braided a whip of broken glass and leather, its called a scourge.

Exodus and Numbers both imply that God soloed the entire Egyptian Pantheon.

Kings, however, has a point where another deity sent "an outburst of divine anger" that routed the entire Israeli army and forced them to return home, so there were presumably some heavy-hitting gods other than the Lord back then.

I'm a simple man.
I find the spider/camel story in the Quran very nice and the spider to be very clever.

TLDR: While mohammed escaped from the mecca because he was being persecuted with his compagnon Abou bakr, he hid in a caverns from the bounty hunters that chased him (his head was at the price of 100 camel!), and the bounty hunter had a very good hunter with them to track them, and so they found out that he went there, but because Mohammed is the messenger, he was protected by god and a spider made a web there and a bird made a nest there, and so when the bounty hunter came they saw the web and the nest and deducted that the groups haven't hid in the caverns because else there wouldn't be any web and no birds in the nest.
The camel is when the prophet came to medina, everyone asked him to take their house and property for him to sleep in and live in, but him being so kind and modest, i think it's Amar? or him? decided to let the camel the prophet was sitting on to decide where is going to be the first prophet house by sitting on the place it's going to be.

I think you mean Akkadian-Sumerian, but there's actually some definite differences there. The Bible, however, definitely shows signs of inconstistent editing, likely dating from after the Persian diaspora. Largely attempting to turn from Polytheism with a primary deity to Monotheism.

Your story is shit and mohammed was a serial liar, murderer and child rapist.

>>/pol/ is thataway.

More or less. Mostly seemed to really throw down when in Canaan and dealing with all those guys after the Jews got out of the desert. Favorite one has to be when Elijah gets sent alone to deal with a bunch of prophets of Baal. They set up some contest on top of a mountain, and all the Baal-ites(??) are throwing more and more shit on the fires, yelling and cutting themselves and stuff. Elijah knows he's gonna win, and smugly keeps taunting them, "Maybe he's asleep? You should yell louder!" They give up after a day or so I think, then it's Elijah's turn to try lighting his fire and get God to show up. Basically throws some wet sticks on the altar, tosses the equivalent of a match back then, and burns down the entire mountain, and all the priests of Baal.

> Golems

Specifically clay golems that resemble humans near-perfectly, aside from being ice-cold to the touch and perhaps some naivety.

As opposed to modern fantasy golems (water/rock/air/etc) that may not be humanoid at all.

That story you have there is not correct. The anger against Israel in that story (it is in 2 Kings 3:27) was not divine. You probably used the NET translation; it is not correct, that word is used elsewhere in the Bible for ordinary human anger, and there is no indication of "divine" in the text.

Am I the only one that enjoys the irony that on Veeky Forums, of all places, is where I tend to see the most level-headed discussion of religion and theologies? These kinds of threads always get helpful anons, and everyone's totally down with sharing stories and viewpoints, and outside of the occasional Rustler, everyone's chill. Truly, Veeky Forums is best board.

You're remembering the story wrong. They weren't throwing anything on fires, and Elijah threw no match. Nor were the Baalites killed by the fire. The way the challenge worked was simple:

The Baal prophets would lay up a sacrifice to Baal on an altar in the morning, and not light it. They would ask Baal to light it instead. They asked, Elijah mocked them because of course Baal did not answer them (largely because Baal does not exist).

Then, in the evening, Elijah put a sacrifice, had it doused in water (12 large buckets' worth), and prayed to YHWH. YHWH burned the sacrifice with fire from the sky, so hard that it incinerated the sacrifice, the wood, and the water.

Then Elijah had the people of Israel seize the false prophets and he personally executed them the old fashioned way, with a sword.

>wah wah /pol/ exists and I don't like it
Stop blaming /pol/ for every troll on Veeky Forums. You don't see /pol/lacks blaming /lgbt/ for every trap thread, now do you?

>You don't see /pol/lacks blaming /lgbt/ for every trap thread, now do you?

No, of course not. Traps are OUR thing, /lgbt/ has nothing to do with it!

Go to Veeky Forums, or stay on this thread for a few more posts. Your opinion will change.

Ah. Thanks, it's been a while. Really the most that stuck out to me was the taunting, and purposefully using wet wood to make a point.

Some stupid kids once made fun of Elijah the prophet for being bald. He cursed the children in the name of the LORD, and the LORD did send female bears to kill and devour the children.

Don't worry, in a few posts we'll all be calling each other heretics and screaming at each other about whether or not specific apocryphal texts should be accepted.

Are Satan and Lucifer different beings? Lucifer was an angel cast out of Heaven and Satan is just a generic evil overlord, I've never heard how they connect

>female bears

I will never understand why people of Abrahamic faith believe their god is the only god. When their own holy script talks about how their one god interacted with other deities.

Just because you killed most of them doesn't mean they never existed at all.

...

Edgy.

>charged interest
God forbid they get paid for doing work.

Saint Christopher was 7'6" tall. A walking slab of Canaanite beefcake who could uproot trees and use them as cudgels.
He apparently was not a brilliant man, but he had it in his head to go serve "the greatest king of them all".
So, he hooked up with the King of Canaan, which was a powerful empire.
That relationship ended the moment Christopher saw the king do the father-son-holy-spirit cross thing when one of his advisors mentioned the Devil.
So, since the King was evidently afraid of the Devil, Christopher went looking to pledge loyalty to the Devil.
And he FOUND him.
And Christopher served Satan loyally *until* his new master flinched at a roadside cross.
And Christopher was like "I can't be seen with no fuckkin pussies."
So, he sets out and asks a bunch of random people a question that can be taken all kinds of wrong.
"Where can I find Christ?"
Eventually, he gets directed out to meet an old hermit in the woods, who he asks "how can i serve Christ?"
The hermit recommends fasting and prayer.
Christopher is like "Uh, Naww, i was hoping for more of, like, hitting people? Something physical?"
So the hermit is frustrated and makes a suggestion. "Okay, look, you're like a moving wall. The river just a little bit away from here is stupid dangerous, why don't you try helping people cross it?"
And christopher was like "Cool, okay, i can do this".

So christopher becomes a Canaanite ferry. He picks up travellers, puts them on his shoulders, and walks back and forth across the dangerous river all day. The hermit assures him that this labor would be pleasing to Christ.
So, after a good amount of time being used as public transport, An unattended child shows up, and asks Christopher to get him across, and Christopher agrees.
Except... this kid is inhumanly heavy, his weight is such that it bends Christopher's back and pushes his head below the water... and every step he takes is agony, fighting and struggling just to push across the river. But he makes it to the other side.
And he's like "Kid, wow, that was the worst it's ever been. I don't think the whole world weighs as much as you."
But the kid is like "you just carried the weight of the entire world, and he who created it. I'm Christ, and you're serving me well doing this. Keep up the good work."
then he vanished into the air.

Christopher was pretty baller, far as the saints go. He was eventually martyred by a jealous king after he refused to make a sacrifice to a pagan god, refused to be bribed by the king's riches, and converted the two women who had been sent to seduce him over to christianity. He also converted thousands in that king's city and survived multiple assassination attempts before an army tied him down and beheaded him.

Satan is (or rather was) God's "dragon"
I've always felt the most appropriate comparison for it was that on the great trial for the salvation of man, he is the prosecution. Man is weak and too easily lead astray, according to him. In that logic, Jesus serves as our defender.

At some points in the bible, it's painfully obvious that Abrahamic faith was that there are many gods, but their God was the best/strongest/only one worth worshipping, and that the transition to an entirely monotheistic belief where all the other gods were imaginary wasn't as smooth as planned.

Some beliefs and interpretations have attempted to asscover by saying that the other gods in the bible were all either Satan or a fallen angel trying to lead the Israelites astray, but that's a pretty lazy as shit explanation.

That's the thing: the holy script does no such thing. Even the text you are replying to only has God interact with an idol, and idolatry is repeatedly mocked throughout the Bible specifically because idolaters worship a piece of wood or stone that does nothing.

You are reading into the text that which is not there.

I could be totally wrong, but I believe that Lucifer is in fact a fallen angel. While "Satan" is more a title. Like how Captain is the title of the person in charge of the ship.

So Lucifer can be Satan when he wants, the same way he could be a Captain of his own ship. But whoever is currently Satan is not always Lucifer.

Look at me.

I am the Satan now.

African Proto KANG-doms
Kek.

The Jewish bible is a Caananite cult playing revisionism with their war god. The religion is Caananite, not Babylonian, though they are related.

You come here slinging /pol/ memes, we point you where they belong. As for traps? Most /lgbt/ folks I know don't like that term. But they were popular on /b/ before Veeky Forums existed, and they're popular on Veeky Forums now. But the 'Mohammed was a serial liar, murderer and child rapist thing' was A: not at all relevant to the topic, and B: /pol/ as fuck. So. Gtfo back to /pol/.

>God forbid they get paid for doing work.
Theirs is no work.
Usury is very specific in it's crimes and every society on earth until the last 100-150 years agreed that it was immoral to make loans charged twice.
Even those who partook in it agreed that it was, they just had rules that allowed them to be immoral to "subhuman" people groups (those not of their religion).

The best example of old attitudes towards usury is Cato, when asked how to best make money, answering that in the fields and animals was the best.
The interviewer asked him what he thought of usury as a money-making method.
Cato rethorically answered "What do you think of murder?"

The Finno-Korean Hyperwar was a thing of violent, genocidal beauty, and the only legitimately funny thing Veeky Forums has ever made.

Really? Because if you read the fucking bible then you will know that when the jews were trying to leave Egypt Moses went up against the court magicians. They created magical snakes by the power of their gods. Moses was forced to use the power of his god to create a better snake.

If it is all blind idolatry, then why the fuck would Moses be forced to compete at all? If his god is the only real god, then were did the power to create those snakes come from?

>inb4 hurr durr Satan!!!

No, the Egyptians never once worshiped Satan or Lucifer, they worshiped THEIR OWN GODS.

I'm pretty sure its just the differences between different subsections of Christianity, some call it Satan, some call it Lucifer, some portray Gabriel as female, others as male etc.

>mfw my youth pastor told this story to shit on the Jesus Hippie image

>God can be rendered powerless with cold iron

Elaborate

Discussing religion elsewhere is almost always for the purpose of either defending or shitting on it, which naturally rustles everyone's jimmies. Discussing religion on Veeky Forums is ideally to harvest it for cool ideas, which ideally just leads to discussion of cool ideas. And of course, we're still autistic so the explanations/discussions can get really, really in-depth for no other reason than one dude half-remembered a cool story and somebody else had to correct him on it.

Jacob ran into an angel one day and asked for its blessing. The angel said they were too busy to do so.
Jacob didn't like that answer, and the two of them spent a full day wrestling.
Eventually the angel tapped out, and gave Jacob his blessing. Jacob was then known as Israel, which means "He who fights with God."

Some minor passage in the bible says that the Israelites lost a battle because their enemy had chariots made from iron and they had no chariots.

Fedora-tippers have somehow construed that to imply that God is a Fae creature and is weak to Cold Iron.

>usury
>work

>The Nephilim being the offspring of angels and humans always fascinated me.
When the Nephilim are depends on who you ask. They're generally said to be the offspring of fallen angels and human women, but some argue that they're actually the sons of Cain, as he was a "Son of God", like his father, Adam, was.

Nephilim were described as giants, some sources saying the were grotesquely ugly, others saying that they were angelically beautiful.

I only now notice that absolutely is misspelled. welp
Good thing I didn't make it

On /pol/ it's mostly about shitting on every denomination because the pope or some pastor in the bible belt was caught fucking a dude or something.
On Veeky Forums it's about reigniting 500 year old arguments
On Veeky Forums it's mined for intrest and setting ideas like said
>mfw going on Veeky Forums threads

This guy knows what he's talking about.

It's likely a partial mix of Akkadian and Canaanite religions, and it's most close relative, pre-Islamic Arabian paganism, was active up until about 1400 years ago.

As such, YHWH had a wife, likely a variant of Ishtar/Inanna, as well as other deities.

Amusingly enough, Ba'al just means 'Lord' in most Semitic languages of that period. Modern religious-related names inspired by that are Beelzebub (Ba'al-zevuv, literally 'Lord of the Flies', a term of derision against other deities) and Ba'al Shem Tov (Master of the Good Name), the founder of Hasidicism.

The name Lucifer, and especially the idea of a fallen angel named Lucifer, is not biblical. The passage in question is foretelling the downfall of some Babylonian king.

"Lucifer" is just Latin for "morning star."

Thought it was spelled Ziz.

That's how Wildbow spells it in his shitty grimdark story.

>not Zzz
Also,
>CAPTCHA: COUNTY CEMETERY
I'm scared, anons.

>They created magical snakes by the power of their gods.
Nope. No gods mentioned in that passage. You are, again, reading into the text that which is not there. They did it "by their enchantments", or more technically "lehatim", which means "secret" or "hidden arts". It is not explained how they did it, yet nothing in that passage says they did it by the power of gods of any sort.

>No, the Egyptians never once worshiped Satan or Lucifer, they worshiped THEIR OWN GODS.
They thought so, at least.

It's actually spelled zyzz

From what we know of Asherah, she was probably way less of a total monster than Ishtar though, who was about as negative as you can get with a deity without going full Aztec.

Oh, right, the Lucifer/Satan thing.

Lucifer is entirely a Roman Church invention.

Satan simply means 'adversary', and in the context of Judaism it seems to have initially been a title for heaven's prosecutor, then a relatively minor demon. In Jewish demonology, Asmodeus is the grandfather of all demons.

I still miss him

what other gods would be worshiped at the same time as what we see as the modern God? i thought God was originally El-Elyon turned into Marduk but says they were Caananite

so what is "Lucifer's" real name?

Yup. But Asherah/Ashtoreth often gets confused with Molech and the sacrifice of children.

Do we know many details about Molech outside of, IIRC, Judges/Kings?

...

-Jehovah's Witnesses believe that they have "the truth."

Muslims believe they have "the truth."

LDS believe they have "the truth"

Christians believe they have "the truth."

Jews believe they have "the truth."

Russelites believe they have "the truth."

Unification Church believe they have "the truth.

All this sounds like a trap to me, and traps are kinda gay!

We do have evidence from other Semitic religions in the area that YHWH was the Zeus equivalent of his pantheon, only A: more of a dick, and B: less prone to dicking random women.

Fuck off, we don't care.

It's not really a meme, unless you just completely ignore that god isn't real but Aisha was.

Around what point did Christianity/Judaism absorb Zoroastrianism into their texts and interpretation of God?

>more dick
>less dick
Is that like some kind of faith mistery?

That Jackie Chan disputed casualty always gets me.

Zeus gave the dick.

YHWH was a dick.

There's a difference.

It was during/after the Persian Diaspora. I believe that, over time, focus on YHWH had become more and more central to the Hebrews, but the tribe of Judah (from whom we get Jew), when it returned from Persia, really made the jump. IIRC, the northern tribes of Israel retained more of their polytheism, as well as had a fair amount of miscegenation, which led to the southern kingdom of Judah viewing them as not really Hebrews any more.

Zeus was also a dick. But YHWH was more of a dick, and gave less dick. Basically, as a primary god, the more dick you have, the less you want to give it away.

>God can be rendered powerless with cold iron.

No wonder the term "atheist" has become synonymous with smug neckbeards who do nothing but regurgitate out-of-context shit they haven't even bothered to fact check.

why are we saying YHWH instead of Yahweh?

Because it's his name.

The Witch of Endor is one of those weird things that people try to ignore or gloss over.