This shouldn't piss me off as much as it does

>I have never played Dungeons & Dragons before, but my friend decides to start a new campaign and I ask to join because I want to get into it. All of our discussion takes place over online chat because there are seven of us scattered across North America, plus our DM who lives in Norway. I’ve never met any of these people or heard their voices before I joined the campaign group. These are the highlights of our first session.

>(4:30pm:)

Friend #1: “What’s everyone up to?”

Me: “I’m eating spaghetti and I got marinara sauce on my t*tties.”

Friend #2: “How…?”

Me: “I’m eating shirtless so I don’t get marinara on my shirt, OBVIOUSLY.”

>(5:00:)

Friend #1: “[Friend #6] said she’ll be at work late so we can start without her.”

DM: “Oh, god. That means I have to get started. I’m not prepared.”

>(5:10:)

DM: “The tax collectors came from the east.”

Friend #2: “So if we want to follow them, we head west.”

Friend #3: “Wait… what?”

Me: “The opposite of east is west.”

Me and Friend #2: *at once* “Never Eat Soggy Waffles.”

Friend #4: *who is in Canada* “…what do they teach you people in America?”

>(5:30:)

Me: “Be right back, my roommate has company over so I have to put a shirt on.”

Friend #1: “Marinara t*ts.”

Other urls found in this thread:

notalwaysright.com/whether-choose-east-west-going-south/90816/
twitter.com/SFWRedditVideos

>(5:45:)

Friend #2: “Can I roll a perception check and try to peek in the window and see if I find anything suspicious?”

DM: “Sure.” *rolls dice* “You got a 10. You can look, but there are people around who might find it suspicious.”

Me: “[Friend #3] and I distract the villagers with our awesome dance moves!”

DM: “Okay…” *rolls* “You got 12. Your performance draws a few strange looks and is distracting enough that no one notices [Friend #2].”

Me: “Sweet! Do we get any tips for our sick moves?”

DM: “No.”

Me: “Aww.”

>(6:15:)

DM: “Your party sets up camp by the road. It starts to get dark.”

Friend #2: “Should we build a campfire?”

DM: “You could, but keep in mind you’re a band of wanted criminals and the smoke could draw the authorities.”

Me: “Guys, I’m a fire genasi. My hair is literally smokeless fire.”

Friend #3: “So it’s settled. We’ll just huddle around [My Name] all night.”

>(6:30:)

DM: “A pair of guards comes up the road. You need to hide quickly.”

(The rest of our party hides somewhat successfully, but I roll a one on stealth so my character decides to hide behind Friend #2 and stand very still. Note that Friend #2’s character is a lawful good monk.)

DM: “The guard asks what you’re doing.”

Friend #2: “What, me? I’m not doing anything.”

DM: “So what’s wrong with your friend there?”

Friend #2: “I was, uh… traveling to the monastery when I found this ungodly heathen–”

Me: “It’s true; I’m very ungodly.”

Friend #2: “I was bringing her with me so I could show her the light of the gods.”

DM: “I see. You wouldn’t have anything to do with that farm that burned down yesterday?”

Me: “Oh, because I’m a fire elemental, I’m automatically the subject of an arson case? This is racial profiling!”

DM: “The guard gets off his horse and attempts to arrest you.”

Me: “IT’S CLOBBERING TIME!”

(I roll a one, AGAIN, so when my character tries to attack the guard she ends up hitting herself with her own morning star. Thankfully, the rest of the party gets some fairly good rolls and we manage to kill the guard.)

Friend #2: “WE JUST KILLED A MAN!”

Friend #3: “It was in self-defense.”

Friend #2: “I’m lawful good! I’m a monk! It’s our first session and we just KILLED someone!”

Everyone: “…”

Me: “Can I take his eyes as trophies?”

DM: “Sure.”

Friend #4: “If [My Name] gets to take his eyeballs then I’m taking his teeth!”

DM: “Okay.”

Friend #1: “Well, as long as we’re taking body parts… who’s going for his d**k?”

(We all ended up fighting for it, but Friend #2 was victorious.)

(you) need to get some sleep.

You seem to be right there in it with the lolrandumb idiocy. Why exactly are you pissed off?

Is this pasta(tits)?

...

>pissed off at something
>dosn't say what
>sounds like the worst person in the group
>LoLz im a random girl

fuck off

What is God's name did I just read.

Are you twelve and what is this?

In relation to the actual theme of the thread,I have a PC who is a long time friend and not a bad player but he has the nasty habit of trying to alter reality with his RP.While he is talking in character and such he will often drop in details of his "backstory" that change details of the game.I tell him over and over that you can't change world stuff after character creation by simply commenting on a thing he did once,but a session or two later he does it again.Don'tget me wrong,I know it's a minor character flaw but it irks me when a player does the same thing over and over.

>While he is talking in character and such he will often drop in details of his "backstory" that change details of the game.I tell him over and over that you can't change world stuff after character creation by simply commenting on a thing he did once,but a session or two later he does it again.
Can you give an example of this? I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what you mean. Also, put spaces behind your punctuation marks.

Post pasta tits or fuck off.

Thats a good roleplayer.
Your a bad gm

I know I only wrote a quick comment. But this is getting more and more on my nerves.
We had a GM like you, who HATED fun. But the rule in our group is because everyone likes to run we all get to have a go gmming.
Hes done some really stupid shit giving his bestbud a character that was many folds powerlevels above everyone else another person from our group desided to write a backstory to end all backstorys
it was 6 or 7 pages and gave him access to a warehouse full powerful items, tons of contacts and safe houses all over the world.
The Gm said ok, then started to strip it all away once he saw how much freedom it gave him.

At least link to where the story came from, people might think this happened to you:

notalwaysright.com/whether-choose-east-west-going-south/90816/

And yes, it annoys me that they put people's in-jokes on Not Always Right.

I allow and encourage that. Of course, provided the player is reasonable and doesn't go "oh, and I'm a priiiincess, so I have an aaaaarmy, and a magical uuuuunicorn". I'm not one of those DMs who writes the setting for a casual campaign in meticulous detail, so it's cool if the players add some details to my broad strokes.
Sometimes I have to say "sorry, but I have a different idea for that particular thing" or offer a twist on the original idea, but so far my players have been pretty quick to figure out what the boundaries of what works and what doesn't are.

Nice blog.

>teehee im a girl :)
fuck off

Why does this piss you off? Seems like you fit right in.

This. This is art.

Not him, but what I think he's going for is sort of stuff like

>Yeah, I'm a hardcore assassin, I once bumped off king of [country]
>That country doesn't have a king, it's a theocracy, we've said it was a theocracy a bunch of times before.

I encourage this as long as the player understands that it might get immediately rolled back if it conflicts with existing setting info.

>Yeah, I'm a hardcore assassin, I once bumped off king of [country]
>High Priest, actually. They're a theocracy, remember? So how did you evade capture and pursuit?
>"Wanted by Fantasy Interpol" goes on the DM notes. "[God]'s wrath", too, if gods are real.

Just illustrating the difference in approach here. This kind of stuff probably wouldn't roll unless agreed upon in chargen and we aren't playing level 1 schmucks.