Field Kit Inspection: Ball Busting Elysian Commissars Edition

Settle down 'un form up, on ze double!

'Ello men 'un women of ze Unknown Regiment. I am ze new Commissar, Alex Clérisseau. And if you are wondering about ze accent. It is because I am un Elysian. So you 'ad better get used to it.

Now, with ze formal introduction out of ze way, ve can get on to ze more important matters. As you should all be fully aware of, your regiment is apart of ze 82nd army group, supporting ze Exolos Crusade, under ze command of Lord General Gerald Montague. As is befitting such an honorable posting. I am expecting you all to be on your best behaviour, no zat I am 'ere. Should I see anything zat does not fall within my expectations, there vill be 'ell tu pay. With discipline being both 'arsh un brutal. Zis means, no painting ze grenades ze colour yellow, no pissing outside ze mess tent, no using your bayonets to pick your nose, un no filling your socks with copies of ze uplifting primer, to use as a makeshift club!

Now, tu make sure zat you are always prepared for ze unexpected. I am calling for a surprise, un mandatory field kit inspection. As such, present arms un equipment, for a Field Kit Inspection!

>Welcome to ''Field Kit Inspection", home of the 'Unknown Regiment". Feel free to join in! Remember though, we tend to use spoilers for OOC chat, while greentexts for are used for describing a character's actions. D20s are for combat checks and d100s for other things you wish to roll, with higher being better.

EHM, YES, WHATEVER YOU JUST SAID LIKELY IS TRUE.

A 'elpful reminder, zat anyone 'ho fails to pass inspection, vill be painfully punished, un made un example of in-front of ze entire regiment.

Zis vill be done via ze end of mine electro-whip. Any questions?

Tally Hoo Comissar, Barrington Von Gladstone is ready for service, Glory to Emperor!

I here, does you has boots

I IMPLORE YOU ABHUMAN, REMOVE THAT BOOT FROMST THING NOGGIN THIS INSTANT!

Wait the old commissar died? Oh well
Reporting for duty and all that.

NOOOOOOOO, its my boot get your own mister priest man

>She would indeed have boots! High-heeled leather boots, that would go up to just below her knees.
>She would also be looking at the abhuman bullgryn, as if he were nothing but a bag of rocks, that someone had glued googly eyes onto.

Oh? A Praetorian, here of all places! I am quite surprised, to say ze least.

Priest.... You are already getting on my nerves...

I protect you boot lady...you have day high rank yes? I protect high rank

There are three actually, me, Major Wyvern and tank commander, M'am

Yes he has, Magos. Almost a month ago to this very day.

It was just before the Eagle's Fury was destroyed.

excuse me mister commissar may you please inform me of the need of my bike. I am Ren sir. so where do you need us

Wait we lost the ship as well? Goodness I've been so busy working on this invention that I didn't notice

I WILL TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT, DISPLAYING HOW THE ECCLISIARCHY RADITATES WITHIN THE NERVES OF EVERY MAN WIMAN AND CHILD IN THE IMPERIUM, DUE TO THE MAGNIFICENCE OF THE VERY EMPEROR HIMSELF!

I dont think dat was a compliment angry priest man

Yes comissar, Private Belasya present and stuff

ARE YOU ACCUSING THE GOOD COMMISSAR OF INSULTING A MEMBER OF THE ECCLISIARCHY?

Wat do accusing mean angry priest man

>The Elysian Commissar's eyes would narrow with Angela.

Lose ze attitude, you little Merde. Or you vill taste ze full force if ze Electro-whip. Am I clear.

As if right now. You un your men, are to present arms un equipment for a mandatory field kit inspection.

you sound a bit off mate, you sure your alright?
>he takes a swig of some black liquid and then replaces the bottle

>a long deep sigh
JUST, STOP.
I CANT HANDLE YOUR STUPIDITY.
WHAT ARE YOU INVENTING TECH PRIEST?
SOMETHING LEGAL I HOPE

>Makes salute
Oh course commissar!

I HAVE CREATED A RECAFF MACHINE THAT MAKES ACTUAL TASTY RECAFF.
A INVENTION TO MAKE THE FABRICATOR GENERAL JEALOUS

You are angry little man, I now go follow commisar lady around

MATTHIAS, WHAT IS WITH THIS ACCENT?
HAVE YOU ALWAYS HAD IT?

*put on his prothesis*
I salute thee Commissar!

I AM NOT ANGRY, THIS IS MY PRIESTLY INSPIRATIONAL VOICE!

I no feel inspiration, I feel you are mad at me

>Staying silent. Intently studies his Uplifting Primer.

Rolled 46 (1d100)

WELL IF YOU HAD GONE THROUGH THE SCHOLA YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.

NOW, ADMIRE MY INSPIRATIONAL HYMMS

That was the wrong name, and you know it

I du not know who zis "Matthias" is. But he sounds like a Praetorian. I am not, a Praetorian. Do I make myself clear, Priest.

>Alex would narrow her eyes, and begin inspecting the "trooper" for anything "off".

>the man walks out of a chimera, picking at his teeth with a quill whilst messing with the tablet he received with his free hand

do you need anything ?

Your words hurt, boot men said words cant hurt you, boot men lie, you word hurt priest man, you too loud

Hello! Commissar! Are you going to inspect me or what?

Rolled 58, 33 = 91 (2d100)

>with the regiment apparently doing their thing, he begins working on his bike with his 4 other squad mates, placing bets on what horror they would send to the warp today

my bets on traitors
james, the 2nd in command: we killed them last time
that's why they would send us again

[rolling for improving them out of tech priests eye sight]

>Following contacts appear:
*Phoen Cun'ek
*Mad Rob
*Inquisitor William
*Mr.Red
*Namelia
*Robert Menaro
*Big Drug seller
*Pact Fleet customer service
*Ars'andog
*Hyla'falen
*Eldar goods seller
*Fat Tim
*Hrud

Your hymm can only inspire children

>my bike makes a few modifications for speed, but my squad only manages to re-align the targets of the twin guns on the handlebars before the local tech adepts scold them

and this is why no-one likes the cog ones

Different name

It no inspire me, it is too loud and angry make it stop pretty lady

>the man looked over the contacts on the screen
>his eyes hover over Ars'andog's name, looking at the shrouded face in the contact image for a few seconds
>then he hits Fat Tim's name with his finger

You! Vot du you think, you are doing?
>She doesn't seen pleased, by the man's blatant picking of his teeth.

Zat is disgusting, and unsanitary! Two laps around ze base! Now!

>The Elysian Commissar would begin eyeing the Magos, with extreme prejudice. Looking for any sign of corruption or heresy involving him, or his invention.
>As she passes by the man, she would use her gloved hand to lift his chin up, and inspect his face.
>When she was finished, she would nod her head, before quickly giving him a gentle tap across the cheek.

Very good

>Should would inspect the man, to see if anything was heretical or "off" about him.

Welcome to Fat Tims exotic inter-galactic food delivery company, how can we be of service?

Commisar lady does I pass, I was told to protect you I should pass do I pass

>the man looks up from his tablet for a split second, before removing the quill from between two molars to sign a sick form, then stamp it.
Uhh... Pizza?

so whats the betting that someone trys to get with the commissar or she kills someone for attempting to. I'm placing 30 thrones on the execution anyone else want a piece of the bet?

>he attempts to stop the commissar listening

Okay boys, remember, slowly and steadily take aim and then fire.
Got it?

I'm in for public electro whipping.
And for the record next time your bike needs mods just talk to me I don't ask many questions

Which one?
>Tablet prints an extensive list of pizza toppings, half of them are made of words Viktor never heard about

>the squad looks at each other

thanks........ um are you not supposed to be screaming about spirits and disrespect in some sound we cant understand?

>Belasya throws some used earphones
This should make it quiter

>the man selects several toppings at random
And a two liter coke

I'm from a more....... Unorthodox forge world. As long as it works and no one gets caught in down with most whatever

Understood, that'll be 300 thrones

How do these do?

Rolled 99 + 15 (1d100 + 15)

>Her eyes twitch with anger unimaginable.

Two laps around ze base! Or I will add a whipping session before it! Now move!
>The look in her eyes says it all...
>The abhuman before her, is worth less to her, than a bag of bricks with googly eyes glued on them.

... You're fine, Abhuman...

>Rolling to hear.

very well then, and how many thrones are you betting on electro whips?

Just put them on your ears

Rolled 30 (1d100)

[rolling to sense the danger I'm in]

Thirty

Yay! I can protect like boot men said
He places them on top of his ears, not inside them
Now what pretty lady

>hmm I got a bad felling about th-

wellp I think this is an alright deal

30 30, your making double

Now everything should be a bit more quiet

so can i go now ?

>the man screams, then hangs up
I can't, I'm recovering from a violent and painful injury

You okay chap?

>Standing still, coughs.

>Shuffles in place.

Yes, after the surgeries and the anti cybernetic rejection drugs I'm recovering well

The bill for that pizza nearly gave me a heart attack though

REN? COME HERE NOW
I4VE GOT THINGS TO TALK ABOUT YOU

Why? What did you order chap?

> the bullgryn is very much confused as the earphones fall from his ears
NOTHING HAPPENED PRETTY LADY PERSON

>The sound of heeled boots clicking against the permacrete echoes loudly in the biker's ears, before suddenly stopping directly behind him.
>A hushed voice echoes into his ear as she begins softly speaking into it.

I hope I did not 'ear, what I think I just 'eard, trooper... Zat would be very bad for you un your men....

Sigh
>She takes some earbuds and places them in his ears
Better now?

>stopping dead, I keep my face neutral despite my hands shaking slightly

magos gelt, is there a very angry elsian with the authority to execute me behind me?

>the rest of the bikers slowly begin to speed walk away

>The man looks over the receipt for the pizza
I... I don't know
>The receipt is written in an completely incomprehensible language. Just looking at it gives headaches

Wouldn't it be Alexei? Or is this just a self insert power fantasy and your name is Alex?

SCREEEEEEEEEECH
[Calm down there, he's just joking]

> the bullgryn nods furiously, then he picks up the elder in a crushing hug
THANK YOU PRETTY LADY

I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of a terrifying angry commissar RIGHT BEHIND YOU

>Quietly, asks for a Pepperoni and Tomato deep dish.

>Offers to pay himself.

>Belasya get crushed by his hug
Uhhh can you place me down

Leave this man to me
you do not need to waste your precious time with this scum
and you get up now!

Yes lady, I will protect you too, you be nice to me I no forget

Rolled 55 (1d100)

>still calm I straighten my uniform

well commissar, may I just express a small piece of the tactica imperium that is not covered very often.

>still not turning around the biker recites a small passage

"when faced with overwhelming firepower, it is best to retreat to a better position where you will not needlessly sacrifice your assets" I think I will now exersice this action

>he takes off running

[rolling for out running the commissar and her bullets is any are fired]

COMING SIR

Your wallet
Lemme get a deep dish pepperoni and tomato pizza, boneless. Oh, and a two liter coke

>Hands him the payment, but adds that he will expect repayment if anything goes wrong.

[he is infact running towards hanzo]

Of course, please insert credit card

>get him by the ear*
now follow me you little twat
>him and Ren rush into a nearby corridor

I take no responsibility for this course of events

Fuckin... you got a card? I maxed out all of van Kleez's

owowowowowow

>he continues to complain as he is dragged into the corridor

THANK YOU, FOR WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF THE EMPEROR!

>Halts as he makes to hand the card over, before asking what the final price is.

>The man looks over the tablet again
I can't see it. Huh.

Rolled 1 (1d20)

It is ok, trooper. You vill not be executed...

>Despite the kind tone of her voice. It's very clear that you're in-danger.

I am just going to punish you a little....

>She looks up, and glares at two nearby men, before indicating that they should grab hold of Ren.
>Rather than risk the same treatment. The two forcefully grab hold of Ren by his arms, and force him to his feet.

Regiment! You 're about to see ze price of an undisciplined mind, and un impure body!

>She would motion for the two men to remove Ren's shirt, and toss it away. Which the two would be quick to do. Exposing his backside to the Commissar.
>Moving a few feet away from him. The Commissar places a hand upon a cool black whip, before beginning to unfurl it in her hands.
>Once she had reached the perfect spot, and the whip had been unfurled, she flips the switch. Causing volts of electrical current to course through the various pieces of sharped metal infused into the whip.
>A loud crack, echoes throughout the airfield, and a half a second later, Ren feels a sharp pain run across the length if his back, followed by a sharp electrical shock, that courses through his back and body.
>This is soon followed by another, and another, until he has been whipped ten times. After which, the Commissar motions for the troopers to let go of him.
>Rolling for how painful it is. Mind you, it won't kill him, even on a natural 20

> inside the corridor
ok now this isn't playground anymore
this commissar is very suspicious about everything, and will not hesitate to kill us both, so be a good little soldier and i don't want to hear about you anymore
did i make myself clear ?

>It shows 15 thrones