Mages guild: Condensed Matter

This is not a Quest thread. /qst/ is for "Author-driven collaborative storytelling" where "A single author (who) controls the plot of the story and (who) drives the creative process". Mages Guild threads have no author or anyone in control. The purpose of these infrequent threads is to simulate Mages in a boardroom environment, a group of highly opinionated bathrobe wearing idiots which may as well be an analogue for Veeky Forums itself. It's actually sad this has to be stated, these threads have been on Veeky Forums since 2013.

Hear ye, hear ye. I hereby call to order this meeting of the most illustrious Mages Guild! The giant unstable temporal anomaly in the Chronomancy department is finally gone! A brave Chronomancer stepped up to solve the issue, however, it has cost him not only his life, but also the entire department. The results of his experiment have created a destructive black hole that could have destroyed the guild, thankfully the remaining Chronomancers managed to condense and contain the catastrophe.
Of course, this means that we now have a black hole lying around, we haven't had one of those for a while.

So! I'm leaving this one to all of you to decide what to do with it. Utilize it for research? Find a way to stop it?
Whatever everyone decides on, I'll be in the back making preparations to get a replacement department running.

Welcome to the Mages' Guild. Pick a name and join in! Conflicts are resolved with d20s when needed, or with playing it out.

You..morons! That idiot got dozens thrown into another timeline and killed in the chronomancy department! Why are we debating this!? We need to close the damn black hole!

I'm sorry, when did the Chronomancers even HAVE an anomaly again?

Veil, we've had it for months. It was a time distortion anomaly.

Like fuck you dad, me and the blackhole are in love and we're going to run away and get married!
>Goes to kiss her love
>gets sucked in

Talk about gettin knocked into next week.
I guess it was their time?
Or did they really just want to clean the anomalies clock?

>Sighs
A few months of our time? Because chro-
>Is cut off watching Kimilla
Oh, that's not good for your health kid.

But think of the research opportunities! Space is stretched to it's very limit in the proximity of the black hole, imagine seeing how it reacts to Mana dumps or manipulative energies. We could even try putting a portal next to it, or attempt to send it to another Plane.
I always thought the Chronomancy department was 90% anomalies and then just a head office.
Chronomancers have to run out of time eventually I suppose. Must have been an impressive way to go.

What a way to go. Hey, sucking is like... third base though, right? She made it somewhere.
They really shoulda watched out.

NO YOU-
>She facepalms
Do..you realize..what happened the last time the chronomancy department tried to do that?
>She clenches her fists

You know, you're not as funny as you think you are.
>Sighs

It's more than JUST anomalies.

Ah, your just sour grapes'n cause you can't make jokes.
You oughta just stick to raisin the dead.

Guess the gears and cogs of their mind didn't prepare them for the danger.
Which one did they try? What happened after?
I really should attempt to commune with it, I wonder what wisdom or insight it could offer.
I suppose they do have a water cooler, but Chronomancers always seemed more like a field work kind of profession rather than being stuck in an office.
Being stuck in an office divining all day really gets to me, I'd rather be outside.

Then get a different job.

Well at least you're not making puns.
>Grumble grumble grumble

>She wacks her on the head with a large scroll
The last time that was tried, the entire western part of the department was destroyed! You do NOT try to do that with black holes! And now most of the chronomacners are dead, if you try messing with this you will cause devestation!
>She pinches the bridge of her nose
This is a fucking mess..

What it lacks is a dozen pair of felinoid ears and a bit of toning down it's sucking power and it would be a easy money-maker

i take you left the window open as a sign that you have forgiven me for the entvale incident

Raisin the dead, sour grapes? What, ya didn't get it? That was good stuff!
I got a skele-ton more though, you just wait!
You'd think they'd have seen it comin, but hey, we gotta put it past us and get ready to present ourselves to the future.

Did you just say you CONDENSED IT FURTHER?! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL YOU MANIAC!

whats this?

Okay, now that I am aware of you making puns, I feel like I got dumber just listening to you make puns.

Feli-If you're asking to get the nekomancers to enhance it, I think someone let a giant dog or something loose down there a while back and they're still recovering. Or something.

Hmm, well this certainly seems interesting

A different job? Are you crazy? I enjoy my work! It's just that there's always paperwork to be done and young mages to instruct.
OW!
You haven't even told me what it was they attempted!
Oh? How could we profit from it?
Aside from a giant waste compacter.
I honestly don't remember Entvale, so all is forgiven on the basis that I have no idea what you did wrong.
Honestly, if he'd have set an alarm clock maybe everyone could have been warned.
Nonsense! I'm sure it's... fine. How would you fix it?

I don't think we've shillou-met. Whats ya name?
I don't know how it snuck up on them, considerin they all had well constructed clock power. Geddit? Clock tower?

>Throws open the doors in an extremely dramatic way.

I have found a vey to kontain ze kondensed black hole! Simply eh.. give it to ze Abjuration department, and everything vill be okay, yes?

>He wrings his hands nervously, dabbing his forehead with one of his exceedingly long sleeves.

Because if I TELL You then I know you're going to try and recreate it like the idiots you all are!

>name
>She throws a book right at his forehead.
>This chronomancer is straight pissed off

Right, I forget sometimes that not everyone has to work with a bunch of raving lunatics on a daily basis.

>How could we profit from it?
Let's just say I know a few celestials with peculiar tastes
[spolier]and it could stop all those damn 29 year olds down in their cellars from flooding us in a year[/spoiler]

Isn't it great. Quick, help think up some experiments, this is almost as exciting as when someone abandoned that sphere of annihilation in the guild park back in the first age!
Good good, but the momentum in that one was lacking, unlike say the pendulum in a grandfather clock.
No no no, it should be free for ALL to experiment on! How could you be so selfish?
If we don't know how can we avoid it! I'm already on thin Ice after you put this stamp on me.

>The book thumps uselessly against his arcane barrier.

Now, now, I know vhat you are sinking, and trust me, zis vill vork! I need eh... several hours vith ze kondensed black hole, as vell as some graduate assistants.

And as for YOU! Ze Abjuration department has still not forgiven you for ze UNSPEAKABLE deeds performed in ze Entvale Miracle-Gro Catastrophy!

Our department is very small, Divination simply isn't as popular as raising the dead or causing explosions. It means I get more time to distill the individual lunatics down into proper researchers!
I mean, our current class size is only ten. It's rather sweet actually. How many do you get in a Necromancy lecture?
First we have to figure out how to move it before we rent it out to anyone. Thought renting does sound like a good plan, we could lend it out to said celestials in time slots.

>Death glare
If ANY of you come into the chronomancy department, we have full obligation to WIPE YOU FROM EXISTANCE! We are closing this black hole, and that is final! I will not let you people that don't even know the laws of space-time screw this up further!

Um... A single lecture, let's see.
>Counts on his finger a bit
Well I mean our biggest lecture hall seats I want to say like... at least 100 at a time.

How do ve know zat you are a Chronomancer? Ze Archvizard said zat all of ze Chronomancers died. Eet is possible zat you are an enemy from anozer dimension!

>The head of the Abjuration department waves his staff in emphasis of his words.

Astrid please! At least wait until the meeting is over, what if someone suggests something we just HAVE to try?
I'm jealous, that sounds like a hilarious and chaotic experience. I should become a supply teacher. That could be fun, then I can sternly warn why one should never ever try to commune with death.

Now, now, I am certain we can arrange some deal, certainly you desire to have some parts altered or would like to try a little shorter and wide-bossomed perspective? The lightning plane bill won't pay itself, as we all know

>I don't think we've shillou-met. Whats ya name?
I am but a humble Ambassador for a city far, far, far, far away. You Mages are certainly an intriguing sort. Gleefully messing with the timestream without thinking of pesky consequences

He didn't say ALL The chronomancers died, he said that there were a few left. One of those few is ME! We just had to save you all from being destroyed by a hole in spacetime, stop trying to fuck with it!
Veilhex raise your skeletons and have them guard the Chronomancy department, attack anyone that tries to get in.
>She looks at him angrily.
I will personally take my crowbar and break open your throat with it if you try.
Shut the fuck up!
Believe me, we try and prevent the idiots from doing that..

>Scoffs
You wouldn't like it.

And you're not going to win an argument with her, she's far too determined.

Your city is on this plane, right? You seem like the kind of guy to be from a different one.

Yes ma'am!
>Snaps his fingers
>MEANWHILE IN CHRONOMANCY
>Oh fuck that's a lot of skeletons
>Oh fuck some of them are big
>Oh fuck that one's a former chainsawmancer
>Attempting to reach it would be a bad plan

A young, confused looking man walks in the room, sees the arguing people, and manages to weakly voice "Umm. Sorry to interrupt, but I'm trying to learn magic as a job. What schools of magic do you have to offer, and what do they do? I'm new here." before darting in the corner, trying to make it so that nobody sees him.

I tied my shoes together again.

Even you will have to sleep once

>Mustum seizes the young man by his collar.

You must join ze Abjuration department! Ve study the art of sealings, protective magiks, and other wards, charms, and barriers!

I feel sick

What other than Transmutation, of course! The enterprising wizard's school, a school to change the world! We have really came a long way since that certain event

Zen maybe you should have payed more attention in my lecture on "Warding Oneself Against Disease and Other Ailments", Milton!

We're passed messing with time now, what we're doing is messing with space. What plane are you from, do you take visitors? I'm always up for learning about far off places.
Alright! Alright... I won't do anything. Promise!
How do you know I wouldn't like it? Cmon, admit it, this is a dare isn't it?
We could go through the entire list, or we could start where all good interviews should.
What do you enjoy doing? Do you have any hobbies?

why bother picking anything? just hang around and pick stuff up.

Keep the new student out of your perverse clutches, you lecherous glabrezu! I called dibs!

"Okay!" he says, and then asks "Could you please let go of my shirt please? Thank you."

I need a bucket

>Believe me, we try and prevent the idiots from doing that..
Ah! But why would you try to stand in the way of such glorious ambition? Their work truly opens new Pathways towards all sorts of things.

>Your city is on this plane, right? You seem like the kind of guy to be from a different one.
Oh no no no no. My dearly beloved city is -so- far away I doubt you could truly walk the Path to get to it. Such a shame too. I would have loved to show you our many pleasures.

Oh, yes of course, my apologies.

Can't you see zere are much more important things to discuss?! Go find your own bucket, rapscallion!

"Well, I don't like people that much, and I avoid them when I can. Hobbies? I don't really know. Abjuration seems cool, since I have a bad habit of being unpopular enough to warrent people trying to punch me, and it tires me out to break out every one of their teeth and then force them down their throat, so just casting a shield and ignoring them seems good."

>Smirks
Not at all.

I'd have to have declined anyway. I've duties here that I can't simply shirk.

Come on, you don't want to end up a newt, do you? Hand over the young one before he falls to your boring arts

Just put a couple of caution pylons around it and leave it there. We can use it as a trash dump and cut down on overhead

Thank you..
Ugh..
Because their ambition is what gets a lot of people hurt or killed.
>She points a finger in her face
I'm watching you, Aphelion. Just because you are in the Divination Department doesn't give you the ability to trespass in our department when we're dealing with a situation.

*warrant

How about you instead become popular? How about a few dozen extra inches and taking revenge?

Does anyone know where the bathroom is? I'm gonna hurl.

*Sighs* "Maybe once I get my bearings, I'll try."

You're welcome. They've been ordered to ignore chronomancers, so don't worry about them hurting anyone who's supposed to be there.

That way.
>Points.

You are too late, you magnanimous baboon! Besides, your puny charms would never penetrate my layers of wards and charms!

>He said, giving Anromus a cheeky, shit-eating grin.

Abjuration definitely seems up your alley then, if I may recommend, banishment is a particularly useful form of Abjuration for getting rid of all sorts of attackers.
Well, I'll be applying for a multi school teaching position soon anyway, so I could end up in your department at some point, who knows.
See, that seems extremely useful. We could even offer that as a service to the other guilds to dispose of their problems. I bet the fighter's guild would just love to toss aberrations in there.
Ok! Ok! I said I won't do anything! Gah, in the first age all departments would be rushing to try and test things on this...

>We're passed messing with time now, what we're doing is messing with space.
Ohohoho! Such wonderful little things you Mages do with your art! It's truly impressive. The city could use ones such as you I think.

>What plane are you from, do you take visitors? I'm always up for learning about far off places.
Ah, yes. My dearly beloved city of Alagadda, truly splendid. A realm where the celebrations never end, where the ancient powers sing and revel with
great joy, and the Grand Masquerade continues on and on. Visitors are always welcome my friend, our great city welcomes all across the breadth of space and time to come and make merry with us.

Become a Witchblade! Learn an assortment of spells to mix with martial prowess! Bitches love muscles and swords, which are great for when you're in no magic zones, and if you can't cut through their enchantments, you can run and hide to fight another day!

>too late. milton has puked on the floor.

Zis, uhm... "Alibabba" or vhatever you call it sounds awfully... dull. Not much vork for an Abjurer zere it seems. Shame, too. Zose Ancient Powers sounded interesting at least.

Nor will you penetrate anything, old man :^)

The problem with using it as a means of profit is that we let more outsiders observe our grounds and experiments, and the next thing you know the local lords are wanting an inquisition. Besides, while the apperentices might have signed the handbook that absolves them of extra-dimensional maiming, we'll probably get caught up in legal matters with unions if there were a workplace accident.

Oh, dammit. I'll go get cleaning supplies and get away from the smell.
>Veilhex gets up from his seat and sneaks out

Please, just how can any celebration come close to being good without Big An and my... companions

>that last line of the first paragraph

The people in the Quest Thread General were pretty baffled by it too. Nobody seems to understand why Mages Guild threads suddenly count as quest threads.

Seems like there's an effort to get all roleplaying moved off of Veeky Forums.

Um, luv, could you at least let some of us do a study or two? SOME of us have a use for the ability to condense and warp space...
>bloody department budgets.

>Zis, uhm... "Alibabba" or vhatever you call it sounds awfully... dull. Not much vork for an Abjurer zere it seems. Shame, too. Zose Ancient Powers sounded interesting at least.
Oh you wound me my dear! Our grand city, "Dull"? Far from it! Every being from every corner of the infinite multiverse ends up in Alagadda at some point or another. And some enjoy themselves -so- much that they don't even want to leave!

>She shakes her head
No. If you try to go in there, the skeletons will attack you. If you get past them, I have permission to erase you from this guild.
>She says coldly and incredibly annoyed.

How would one get there?
That's true, then our research would be more difficult to hide. That means it could be stolen.
Hmm. I've never been in trouble with the unions, it's hard to with Divination, less dying, though the mental stress does build up after a while. Maybe it's time to add another clause to the handbook.
New mods clearly don't understand the role-play part of "Table top role playing game". They didn't even give us a reason why they moved us.
You don't believe me, do you?

Does anyone have any tums?

Excuse me, has anyone seen a like... a thingy. with pages and stuff. itd be like, this big.
>she marks out space with her hands
i think I left it in the archives and somebody moved it cause it isnt there and I cant find it anywhere.

using undead as lookouts? See, this is why I have to waste my time with managing security matters. So many casters think it's a good idea to use eyeless beings to keep vigil.

Fuckoff SHEP! We've already lost our dumber redrobes the last time you showed up! It takes a couple semesters tu build up the stupidity again.

Honestly kitty if you can't keep track of your things how are we supposed to?

>milton has thrown up again.

>like, this big.
*hand on jewelled codpiece*
Well I have something that size alright, and I can make it have pages. Just give me the word

I am asking for PERMISSION and SUPERVISION you kill-happy time archon! I don't even want to touch the bloody thing, just research its effects on local spacetime.

>How would one get there?
Alagadda is the crossroads of the entire multiverse, my friend. You merely need to have the "desire", no, the -Need- to find it, as well as the proper Path, and you shall find.

No! No, and that is FINAL!
Not at all.
>She groans

O-ohkay guysh shtep away from the *Hic* the dark hole thingie, I'ms gunna awaken it
>He wiggles his fingers like a sober johnny depp then hefts his half filled bottle of 40, takes a swig then chucks the reminder at the black hole
WAKE UP ASSHOLE!

>kitty pouts
I didnt think anyone was gonna move it.
And I didn't mean to leave it there, I just got distracted by something else and forgot about it.
But its like, really important and dangerous and stuff.
nono, its a book. one of those big thick books with the name thats weird and its full of all of my spells.

>A large black Harpy with a mailbag over her shoulder flies through a high window in the meeting hall, descending with a quick gust of air to the ground.
>She does make sure to land reasonably far from any vomit.
Hello. I have a delivery for...
>She opens her bag and ruffles around a bit for a piece of paper. After staring at it for a few moments, she looks up and around.
For the Chronomancy Department. No name under the order.

Just use some basic divination or summoning cantrip. Honestly, this is applicant level stuff.

Thanks to my magnificent transmutation, it can be whatever you want, you little wildcat

Does anyone know why im feeling so gross? ive been feeling yucky since i used the water fountain on floor 5.

yes well, it seem someone did move it. maybe it was to teach you a lesson about taking better care of your things, Hmmm?
>She leans foreward, smug look on her witchy face

*Transform into Astrid*
Where do I sign, fair lady?

All right, Malik, you know vhat we've gotta do. Let's just fireball ze bint and proceed to ze kondensed black hole!

Give it here, i'm a chronomancer.
>She pulls out her crowbar and shoves him back
Can you fucking not?
If either of you try I can get Secretus, one of the founders of this guild, to remove you from your positions.

listen, you, if i could remember all the hand thingys right now id give you something to look at.
All my spells are in my boooook.
ooh, you! I need that to do my research and stuff. I cant test new versions of spells I dont have!

>Can you fucking not?
Of course I can, but why WOULD I not?