An Elf is in your tree. How do you get her down?

"Please get out of the tree, miss."

By realizing that elves are not real

Politely inform her that she can live in the tree but she should be aware of the black squirrel I call Nignog that lives there. Nignog is the meanest and loudest motherfucking squirrel I've seen and has successfully spent the last 3 years chasing out every other squirrel and cat in a 1 house radius.

Move bitch

I turn the hose on her, just like the last elf. And those damn kids though wont keep off my lawn!

Oh come on, they never really get stuck. Have you ever seen an elf skeleton in a tree?

She'll get the pressure washer.

Take upskirt photos until she gets embarrassed and leaves.

Jesus fuck, how many of them are up there now? I'm going to have to call somebody before they get into the house.

How you sure you can climb the tree. It's a pretty tough tree to climb. You're probably better off on the ground.

>her
Statistically most elves you encounter will be male.

Have you ever seen an elf skeleton?

Elves bodies are supported by a system of fluid filled bladders.

Then what have I been skull-fucking?

When I get anxious in the real world, I get on the internet.
When I get anxious on the internet, I go into the woods behind my house and climb tree.
If elf can into tree, I can into tree as well, just maybe not as easy.

By arranging my lap such that it looks like a better, more stimulating place to sit on.

Set the tree on fire.

A child's skull you necro-pedo.

In tree you say? is all right bring rope, bottle and axe

She can stay, but she's gotta pay rent. Not because I'm greedy, but I don't want to have elves all over my place just in case they think they can just dick around my area like it's a public park.

Oh god there's one on my Favorite Willow!

Alright you. Go get them then.

12-gauge.

"Uhhh miss can you come down? Do you need help? No, ok stay safe?"

If the elf looked like that, it'd make the 3rd time I've seen someone who looked so good I didn't want to look at them. Or maybe not. Who knows if the art style would translate to real life well.

Wait, what are we talking about?

Elf in your tree you little cat thing while surprisingly good taste!

I'll jump up there with my Kreen racial bonus and get you down in a minute, I just need to finish seasoning the pot here...

I tell her she's in the tree I'm going to hang myself from. I then proceed to do just that.

Oh that's easy. I just start the can opener and she comes running. She loves that vegan chili I get at the supermarket.

I don't see a reason to get her down, especially if she doesn't mind me looking. I might try to ask her out if I could work up the nerve.

Tell me about those first two times just so I can sleep better, please.

One time I was at a sky train station and I was on an escalator when I turned around and I looked directly into the eyes of this girl who had the most amazingly blue eyes. To be honest I don't actually know if the rest of her would be rated by most people as being better than just "pretty" but in that moment I was kinda blown away. I then quickly turned away because it made me feel shy and I thought it'd be rude to just sort of gawk at a person.
The other time I was on a bus and there was this bookish-looking girl in a purple dress and pantyhose standing in front of me. Nothing like drop-dead gorgeous just overall her figure and general air was at least to me incredibly attractive. But both of these incidents were years and years ago so most of the details beyond the most significant colour I've forgotten.

Arrow to the face. Rape the corpse. Don't need no fucking half-breeds running around

I offer food and wait until it feels comfortable enough to come down and approach, then rub it's ears.

Then I call animal control.

The shit is vegan chili? Tofu and beans?

youtube.com/watch?v=7GI0GEKVbb0

Adorable, thank you.

>step 1
Cut a hole in the box

I put the idiot box in an enticing location and wait for her to climb into it.

Never fails. Elves love the idiot box because cardboard is warm and it surrounds them.

Gun.

...

>implying that's not why I have a tree in the first place
If you don't leave some kind of nature-related distraction they'll break in and make shoes or bake cookies or steal your children or whatever.

Remember to label it "Box of Secrets." Elves are naturally drawn towards mysterious objects.

They reaaaally love the wood

purge the tree!

Why do you think it's my tree? She's meant to be in it, I'm not getting her down.

Oi tink I have tha salooshan, Mashter OP.

Probably tell her to get the fook out of my tree

A ruby the size of a tangerine?

So if elves are cats then what are cats?

Chickens.

>forest people
I give her a flask of whiskey.

There's no way her hips are so wide that she can straddle the branch with both of her legs hanging straight down.

Shut up and take the damn tree already

>Not raping her out of the tree, then on the ground, then a couple times later for good measure.
Beta af

T H I C C
H
I
C
C

okay

An arrow.
A fire.
An axe.
A throwing knife.
A crossbow.
An explosive.
A big, sharp rock.
Magic missile.
Using psionics to make her head explode.
Polymorph her into a dead elf.

Shoot it then throw it in the trash.

you clearly underestimate elven legs

Get a broom and swipe at it.

Everyone knows Elves have jointed femurs.

Burn the tree

They've all gathered in the tree so they can get a good view of you jerking off from your window.

Not many people know that elves are, funnily enough, lewd yet extremely shy. Natural voyeurs.

I cast le colour spray le xd
Wizards rule!

I attempt to subtly make the elf aware of the differences between what is considered acceptable in human society as opposed to elven society, I specifically refer to occupying trees as a prime example of this.

Failing that I write a letter to civil authority in order to make an official complaint so as to express my concerns.

I indicate that mayhap she would prefer to sit herself on my wood instead

>it
Elves are people, guys.

Only on the weekends.

napalm the forest. Elves are like the goddamn VC

why take her down from the tree? I'd let her hang around

...

Ask politely that she remove herself from the tree, my neighbors are probably going to freak out that there's a stranger on the block.

>An Elf is in your tree. How do you get her down?
The elf is held down by her neck as the targeted feathers are torn from her skin. When the skin rips during this process it is sewn up with a straight needle and the elf is left to recover before the next harvest of feathers. This process is repeated every 6-7 weeks before the elf’s eventual slaughter, or death from the trauma of the plucking process itself. The elf may struggle, honking and squawking throughout the plucking. After her chest is stripped of feathers, the elf is simply tossed to the floor where she can struggle to stumble away, perhaps with freshly sewn skin.

That is how I get her down.
Why?
How do you get it?

>Fucking Exodites.

>her
Good shitposting thread.

You're kidding, right? I WANT elves in my apple trees. They keep other pests away/from getting out of control. Them and bees are the best thing for the orchard, really.

TBF ducks (at least male ducks) have it coming. Have you read about duck mating behavior? Jesus fuck those feathered assholes.

Depends on the traditional game we are playing.

Burn down the tree.
I really don't want it after an Elf has touched it.

Have bunch of gnoll crossbowmen shot her down and then cook and eat her, because I GM and I am not having pointy eared cannibals running around.

Rolled 13, 15, 20, 18, 17 = 83 (5d20)

I climb up the tree.
roll to grapple.
Is the elf prone? Roll to prone.
Roll to attack with adventage

...

this