You are the last surviving tech priest stuck in a bloody stalemate between Imperial Guard and Orks...

You are the last surviving tech priest stuck in a bloody stalemate between Imperial Guard and Orks. In this desperate situation the general demands you employ some sort of technology to turn the tide!

And so you desperately go to work...

The object to your left is the true purpose of your device.
The object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses.
The object behind you is what your creation will be used for by the guardsmen.

Did your heretical new creation turn the tide?

I have literally nothing to the right or behind me, but there's a phone to my left, so there's that, I guess.

>Object to my left is a massage chair
>Object to my right is Horus Rising
>Object behind me is a pillow
uhhhh

A water-window used as a wall.
I guess in the grim darkness of the 41 millennia water is indeed heretical.

You create the Comfortable Chair of Truth, which creates a relaxed setting and has reading material detailing the accurate history and setting of 40k.

The Orks realize that their entire way of life is based on a silly artificial premise, shattering the influence of their genetic instincts and warp have on them, decide to reform and act more rational.

All of it is declared heresy and the planet destroyed, with one surviving chair placed in a Vault on Terra never to be seen again.

>Left: Chair
>Right: Chair
>Behind: Chair
Hmmm...

A device intended as a nail clipper, capable of many a things indeed (smartphone) but used as a heater by the guardsmen.
I guess if it's a winter campaign, it would make sense... though that would have to be a big nail clipper.

>The object to your left is the true purpose of your device.
My wall. It's a wall. Seems reasonable.

>The object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses.
A cellphone. It is some kind of magical far-speaking wall? That sounds pretty neat actually.

>The object behind you is what your creation will be used for by the guardsmen.
Another wall. I sit in a corner, so I guess the guardsmen will use my wall as a wall? Seems to check out.

>Did your heretical new creation turn the tide?
If we're getting overrun by Orks, maybe a wall will save some lives. Sounds good to me.

My devise shall be the Imperium's finest in multi-drawed storage, but within my creation lies (to the dismay of the faithful) the cool and comfortable texture of the humble pillow.
Despite these amazing and harrowing facts both, my creation will be employed by the most inept of the Emperor's faithful, as a model ship in a bottle...to confound the Orkz...!?!????

Microphone to the left.
Star Wars Revenge of the Sith dvd to my right.
Walking stick behind me.

A communication system that can broadcast bad movies? I guess a sonic weapon of sorts then. Not sure how the stick can come into things. Try to break the orks' legs with the power of bad scripts at volumes sufficient to shatter bones?

A toilet with the power of a wall being used to wipe asses?

>headphones
>pc tower
>hamper
I don't get it

>empty cup
>toilet paper
>wall
I don't...
I don't want to put this thought together.

>The object to your left is the true purpose of your device.
Okay, game controller. It'll be a remote control.
>The object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses.
Headphones. Pretty self explanatory.
>The object behind you is what your creation will be used for by the guardsmen.
Pillow? This is what I get for bringing my laptop into bed with me I guess.

>The object to your left is the true purpose of your device.
Necromunda book

>The object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses.
Vitamin D3

>The object behind you is what your creation will be used for by the guardsmen.
Door

Ok, so the necromundan gangs will be invitalised with vitamin D3 though they have never seen the natural sun, and be used as a breecher through which the imperial guard may make a door through the enemies serried ranks.

Are you sitting on the table?

>bad
wrong answer user

>The object to your left is the true purpose of your device.
A bed

>The object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses.
A wall

>The object behind you is what your creation will be used for by the guardsmen.
A shitty homemade fishing arrow

Yeah, I got nothing.

>Left:
Light Blanket
>Right:
Sleeping Bag
>Behind
Sleeping bag

At least they will not die tired.

>The object to your left is the true purpose of your device.
Lockbox

>The object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses.
My animu figure collection
UH

>The object behind you is what your creation will be used for by the guardsmen.
Trash can


So what, a vault that'd protect us all from harm but the guard would rather throw their refuse in it and heretics would worship it?
Sounds about right actually.

>object to your left is the true purpose of this device
A desk fan. Eh, archaeotech comes in all flavours.
>object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses
Pillow. A cold wind blows o'er the battlefield, turning friend and foe alike into empty headed somnambulists, stumbling about aimlessly in a fantastical reverie.
>item behind you is what the guard use it for
Blanket. They cut up the science magic fabric of my ten story tall fan turret for space blankets.

The flesh is weak. The war is lost.

>Calculator
>Bottle of water
>Air Conditioner
This powerful water cooled calculator can be used to calculate precise and complex artillery bombardments etc. In dire circumstances the water from the cooling system can be drunk rendering the device unstable.
The Guardsmen have rigged up the cooling system to keep the inside of their command bunker at a crisp 20 degrees Celsius.

A 3d printer. An X-acto knife. And a wall.

Everything turned out better than expected?

>Using a powerful stc constructor as fortifications

>OH&S form, contains the power of a lunchbox, it'll be used as a chair.

>smartphone; a handheld cogitator and vox-caster. It could revolutionize battlefield communications!
>toenail clipper
...
>I guess hygiene?
>bed
>MFW

To my left is a bottle of water
To my right is a bottle of hydrocodone
and behind me is my bed

Anyone got anything because I don't.

...

No, I was on a almost empty classroom

>Curtain
>Wall
>Jacket

Better armor than what they were wearing before.

>Object to the left is a laptop
>On the right is a potted tree
>Behind is a table
I feel like i'm fucked.

Object to my left is a fucking plane object to my right is an escalator and the object to my back is an affixed tv... I got no idea.

That's one long OH&S form. Long enough that the Adminstratum included food so that it could be completed without anyone starving.

Lets be fair. Most things the guard have are things that they will want access to in a hurry. Meaning they will want them outside the lockbox.

Trash being the major exception. They will want that out of the way.

Think about what kind of fish they are trying to catch.

Anything can be used as a fortification if you're desperate enough. They sound desperate.

>nothing to my left
>binder with university material to my right
>rain coat at my back
uhh, heretical knowledge that none of them know what to do with, so they just use it as a rain cover? sounds plausible

>did it turn the tide
don't think so. but at least their other stuff was dry.

*sobs*
there's just something... BEAUTIFUL... about a plot-setting where there's cyber-druids!

>Xbox 360
>PC tower
>Bed
The ultimate heretical fusion of console and pc and the guardsman just fucking sleep on it.

a door

a couch

my girlfriend

help me Veeky Forums I'm stumped

You have a very ornate door. If taken from the hinges and lied flat, it makes a good couch.

A guardsman fucks a cushion.

>Object to my right is a dinosaur book with stickers
>Object to my left is an empty mug with a spoon
>Ogject behind me is a bed
...

>Door
>VR headset
>Chair

I create a miniature warp-drive in hopes that every Ork will run through and leave the planet, finding the Warp more interesting a place to fight. Something about the Orks' psychic energy and the EMPEROR'S GUIDANCE cause that particular section of the Warp to close off from the whole and act as a pocket dimension.

The Guard run inside and sit down, because it's much nicer in there. The Orks can't find anyone to kill, get bored, and leave. Battle won.

You try to make a biological computer that sustains itself.

What actually happens is sudden reforestation of the entire planet. Everything is terraformed, killing the Ork spores.

The Guard use your Ork-proof trees to eat on.

>usb drive
>usb drive
>paper storage and files
I... I don't think it helped much.

The object to your left is the true purpose of your device.
>My work smartphone
The object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses.
>My private smartphone
The object behind you is what your creation will be used for by the guardsmen.
>My amplifier speaker

So... it's a dataslate with the power to amplify sound to such a degree that even the noise marines are blown to bits by the chanting of the Manperor fearing guardsmen?

Left: Laptop
Right: Roll of paper towels
Behind: Glass wall

What

>The object to your left is the true purpose of your device.

Smart Phone. the purpose must be an advanced communication and data system

>The object to your right is the near heretical super power it possesses.

Coffee. It makes coffee as well.

>The object behind you is what your creation will be used for by the guardsmen.

A chair. Oh boy, so I presented it to the general, who presented it to the colonels, who presented it to the Majors, alllll the way down the line to the shitty privates who only heard 'recaf machine,' which of course they thought was stupid and useless so now they just sit on it instead of sending any live updates from the front to central HQ.

I'm executed for wasting precious time & resources on a stupid device.

>Phone
>Multi Channel Radio
>PA system controls

I turn the tide by allowing the commanders to micromanage EVEN MORE EFFICIENTLY!

>To my left is a window
>To my right is a lamp
>Behind me is a shower

My attempt to create a fortified gun emplacement proves a success. It is essentially two transparent steel plates in a frame that can closed or opened as needed. However, the opening/closing process takes twenty minutes, but the control panel produces light equivalent to a large lamp, which gives away the position of the Fortified Openable Frame (FOF) to the enemy. The machine uses copious amounts of pleasantly warm, soapy water as lubricant, so the guardsman just keep it at their base as a shower. I guess they'll have a well defended position if they get ambushed while taking their morning shower.

Morale soars as the guardsmen are finally able to safely take their first showers in months. I am commended by the Imperial Guard and executed by my Magos for tech-heresy.

>true purpose
Either air or a wall in the distance.
>super power
Wall
>guardsmen uses
One of those sound-dampening, movable semi-walls.

Left: Squat Rack with bar and weights
Right: Curl rack with bar and no weights
Behind: leg press machine

>prostate massager
>extra large jar of Marmite
>beanbag chair
Uuuuh

>freshly bewed tea; water cooker; rain outside my window
a drink made for a tech priest, probably containing battery acid and other substances not processable by unaugmented bodies.
hot enough to boil a lot of water,
sprayed from the sky

sounds pretty fucking horrifying

>right: Ball point pen
>left: Unpainted skitarii
Am I being told to create an army?

>behind: Makeup drawer
Good, they need it.

It's toilet paper that works as a laundry detergent, but the guardsmen just shit on it.

Try to make that save the day, I dare you.

That's some serious heresy among the gaurdsmen you have there.

Microphone
Bed
Jacket

hmm

Heretically tasty book reader that is used as armour.

TV
Smartphone
Trashcan

There's a wall or crackers and cookies to my left, a hat to my right, and a fridge behind me

>left
Buttplug fox tail
>right
Second monitor
>back
Pass out whore

Well I do not want to play this game anymore.

>lying on the internet

>Coke bottle to the left
>mouse to my right
>couch behind me
Oh dear.

Sad lonely people, that pays other? How is that not Veeky Forums?

>Left
Either my computer or heater
>Right
my coca cola
>Behind me
a confederate flag.

i suppose taking this to its logical conclusion the guardsmen are making some sorta oil based firebombs to burn the yankee scum?

who counts as the northerners in 40k then?

Lamp, dynamics (currently playing Gloryhammer), and sofa (cover?)
I guess if we turn the sound high enough...

But is it fluffy?

Whores don't sleep over.

>Laptop
>Heat gun
>Air purifier

This would make for a computerized heat weapon that burns the very atmosphere sterile.

Sounds like a biological weapon disguised by its lemon fresh scent. Space botulism!

>Empty beer bottle
>Left Speaker
>My comfy chair

No worries, behold "Orkbane"

>Nurgle sybian
I'm ok with this.

>My left: A fountain Dr. Pepper from Hardee's
>My right: A mostly empty water bottle
>Behind: My shoes

A device which turns water into Dr. Pepper, but the guardsmen have decided to pour it all over their feet. Sounds like we're all dead.

Pain-numbing water, which could be used to fight through grievous injuries and even the fight between guardsmen and their hulking foes, is instead being used as a sleeping aid to counter PTSD. What a waste!

>Hand lotion
>AD&D 1st DM's guide
>20 lbs barbells

>left: frozen ham an pineapple pizza
>right: my mouse
>behind: blanket

>Left
My moist nugget.
>Right
Disassembled Nerf gun.
>Behind
A wall.

Omnissah only knows what the fuck comes from that.

>left: iPhone
>right: cardboard box
>behind: more cardboard boxes
Well, I guess I gave the guard more flak armor.