What is the weirdest fight you’ve ever had in your games?

What is the weirdest fight you’ve ever had in your games?

Mine is when my dude got attacked by an assassin in his bathrobe

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Ninjas in a cupcake factory.

assassins in bathrobes should be more of a thing.

Attacked by genetically modified corn and tomatoes.

Or the time we fought the cast of Sesame Street.

My players crashed a lingerie party at a wizard's tower, by cross-dressing to get past his minotaur door guards. They confronted the "wizard", who turned out to be just a con-artist pretending to be a young, attractive professor of the arcane arts at the local wizard school, in order to get laid.

>Mine is when my dude got attacked by an assassin in his bathrobe
Was the assassin in the bathrobe or your dude?

Wait, your dude was in his bathrobe, or the assassin was in his bathrobe, or the assassin was in your dude's bathrobe?

Sad thing is.

My dude was in his bathrobe too.

What happened was that I heard I was going to get attacked by my normal assassin (hot Japanese chick) so I spent all day in a mixed bathhouse to laugh at her when she came in.

Turns out they didn’t send her, but the second best assassin. I was shocked when a old naked man busted a knife out.

You sound like a fun GM

When I first read this, I thought it said an assassin IN a bathrobe, and I had a vision of courtly intrigue in the many-chambered royal bathhouses.

Noice.

Uh...evidently, you read it right:

We had stumbled into this now abandoned asylum for magical idiot savants; and in fact were trapped inside. Trying to find our way out involved a number of (contrived) situations, but part of the adventure involved my character drinking a shrinking potion to retrieve some mcguffin or other. I needed to get in and out before the potion wore off, or Bad Things would happen. Along the way, I ran into a rabbit. Just an ordinary bunny, which was now about 60 times my character's size and blocking the way that I needed to go. I didn't even want to kill it, just sting it enough so that it would move out of the way, and needing to avoid its giant paws trying to squish my character like a bug.

Just for clarity, it was abandoned by the staff; there were the descendants of a few of the magical idiot savants running around, not that it's strictly necessary to the rabbit fight.

I'm glad I did.

Why was the assassin wearing your character's bathrobe?

>"Why, you aren't my regular ninja! What's going on here?!"

goblins had raided a merchants cart with fireworks (pretty sure the base idea is stolen from the pathfinder module). they employ the fireworks to.... moderate success... the fireworks did a lot of damage, but they mainly did a lot of damage to themselves, so it was pretty much us walking into a goblin "fort" (a fortified house foundation) and watching goblins blow themselves up, shoot rockets into their own towers and from time to time race up into the sky and explode... while we killed two or three of them ourselves.

So this is a setting my player ran into. The had to find and kill King Joffery who was the leader of the Homeless Population in a city.

They eventually found him in this super nice club, he'd snuck in and was drinking from the wine barrels. A fist fight ensues as he's worth thrice as much alive.
the mother fucker is so methed out hes jumping around and just feeling no pain and it's a nightmare. Eventually the two players knock him out with one of them also being KO'd so now he has to get two bodies out of a club they snuck into.

fast forward to the heavy ass tank guards in like two inch plate armor taking him and the reward given. They're talking and the guard is like
"I'm impressed you subdued him, now may I have his spoon?"
"Spoon?"
"YOU DIDN'T FIND HIS SPOON? They're all dead." and runs out of the room. They go out with him and the three guards and priest are all dead.

They got two needles off the guy which they used later in a fight with a werewolf. Hex takes out the dirty white liquid and stabs it into his leg because the werewolf bit him. It was novocaine.

My character is a mafia member with the ability to throw things supernaturally hard.

I’ve fought her at
>cousin Alfred’s birthday party (took her out with a high velocity party hat)
>a warehouse, blew her kneecap with a rock
>a jail yard (taken out by boxing, as she didn’t have her sword)

Had a spell that basically deflected a hit by forcing it into a different dimension, which I had been using routinely. What that ended up meaning was that alternate dimension copies of my character been randomly cut and shot throughout. So eventually an alternate dimension version of my character tracked down what happened and tried to strangle my character in their sleep across dimensions.

We once complimented a minotaur until he died of a rage-induced heart attack.

Did it go something like this?
youtu.be/f2kMK-qdDUw

Myself and Chinese Me were engaged in a car joust when the police arrived. I had the idea to play dead and leave him to explain things, spend the day in the morgue, and disappear with everybody preoccupied manhunting him. I crawled out of my drawer the next night when it was quiet and felt late, and so did he, having had the exact same idea. We fistfought wearing only toe tags until the technician still there took out her earbuds and was surprised, and we scattered out separate fire escapes.

>Jojo game
>1920s Chicago
>at my apartment
>go take shower after long day
>found a stray dog a few days ago
>hear scuffle in kitchen
>some fuckface is stealing my dog and leaping out the window
>live right next to L train tracks Ala blues brothers l
>chase fuckhead while completely naked across half the city

Shit was fun

Teach me your ways master of fun rpgs

>D&D 3.5 game
>Level 4 Factotum in the middle of a siege
>Name's Karl Ernst Krafft
>Can basically do nothing against heavily armored enemy, decide I'll focus on utility for the party rather than trying to fight
>Go around picking up the weapons of those who drop them, carrying the unconscious and the wounded out of harm's way, and stuff like that
>See enemies approaching the staircase in front of me
>Decide to use my 0 lvl spell, Prestidigitation, to make the stairs slightly wet
>They all fall down, I withdraw to security
>One of them keeps slipping and falling down and eventually dies
>Fast forward
>I am in some sort of arena against an heavily armored Crusader
>oh shit
>There's a huge pillar in the middle of the arena
>Use Brains over Brawns' bonus and Cunning Insight to climb it
>Crusader can't because of maluses
>Decide to use Prestidigitation on the rim of the column
>The arena starts to fill up with lava
>The Crusader slips on the rim and falls down to his death

Truly His Excellency the Vice Commander's sorcery is without flaws.

Public toilet shootout
>party's fixer goes to meet someone to get them a job in the public toilet attached to the pub they where in
>uncomfortable few minutes go past as single guy in a shitter standing around in a toilet
>someone comes in
>its not the contact
>its a crackhead, immediately sees well dressed guy in toilet = free money!
>aw hell no! guns get hauled out
>10 minutes of screaming and shooting later, the whole place now has more glory holes than a nasty JAV film
>neither the crazed crackhead or the fixer have managed to hit each other
>floor is a roiling mess of shit, water, drenched toilet paper and broken ceramics
>crackhead decides that there's got to be an easier way to make some money and does the bolt
>two homos emerge from a ruined cubicle somehow unscathed
>contact arrives a little while later, does a double take at the horrendous mess and decides not to stick around either
>player decides his fixer should be scarce too before the cops turn up

Random encounters = best encounters

Can you also throw punches?

Yea

Hardly fair though, I have cybernetics and she’s unaugmented.

The Dance Duel we had that was half perform (dance) and half deadly combat.

Best part of the whole encounter was the (now naked) barbarian wrestling and throwing one of the minotaur guards off a rampart.

Well, it sounds like you're a supervillain or something. Don't underestimate Batmans, it's often a bad idea.

Call of Cthulhu, NYC, 1920s.
A rich, noble wimp, a delusional first world war official very skilled with a saber, a depressed artist, an occult-enthusiast photographer and a young, unattractive maid run from corrupt police in Boston and enter an occult Mafiya den in NYC filled with russian gangsters armed with weapons from the future.
Through thorough use of fists, sabers, combat knives, stealth and, when those fail, a shotgun, the group manages to rape twice their number in hi-tech russian henchmen and to force them in retreat.
The party advances across the compound, made arrogant by their achievements across the henchmen, who have so far only engaged the party in groups of two or three. They find a secret computer room, filled with key informations about the site and the true intentions of the bad guys.
At that point, the party hears a new death squad of five, rumbling down the corridors to intercept them and realize their only way to escape has been cut out. They close the only door dividing them from the russians, who promptly blow a large hole through the keyhole and toss a grenade in the small computer room where the players are, grinning as the GM declares a TPK.
It is only then that the maid, who had not participated in the fights so far, reveals her past as centre-forward player in women's teenage soccer league and scores a critical hit with her Kick skill, throwing the grenade back through the hole before it can detonate.
I can only imagine the russians' faces by remembering the GM's speechless face.

>both characters keep missing attacks
>just flailing awkwardly at eachother
>decide to just call it even and never speak of it again

lol what game.

Naw, Tony’s not evil. Pretty neutral. The assassin is worse than him.

For the tone, think hotline miami plus metal gear rising.

Sorry, I was going to say "superhero" but I didn't because of the mafia thing.

A giant (intelligent, talking, spellcasting) carnivorous potted plant, whose pot was carried like a palanquin by a tribe of slightly-comical, mostly-horrifying vegepygmies.
youtube.com/watch?v=h4-1IbeJjRc

Happened in a PF game I was DMing
>Human Fighter (played by neckbeard supreme) separates our blackout drunk Tiefling Witch (played by legbeard supreme) from the rest of the party and brings her to a steam room
>tries to seduce her
>doesn't work out, so he knocks her out and drags her by her hair back to his tent, passing the stealth checks en route.
>Feeds her a HP potion, then tries to feed her all the homemade stew and tell her his predictably tragic life story
>I think in an attempt to get a pityfuck
>She promptly spews stew and ale all over him.
>Cue him trying to grapplefuck her while she tries to sleep hex him for a couple rounds, with him failing his CMB checks and passing the Will saves
>Fighter eventually hops out the tent and wraps her up in it like a pissed off cat in a canvas sack
>When the rest of the party finds them, fighter is twirling the tent sack above his head like a propeller while the tiefling is screeching like an autistic bottle rocket
>he throws her over the town walls before the party can knock him out
>Witch hates the fighter for the rest of the campaign
>Fighter only steps up his /r9k/tier romance game (unsuccessfully), before he eventually gets lynched by the rest of the party in an unrelated incident

Only reason I let that shit play out is because both players wanted me to.

That’s obnoxious.

If I was in your campaign I’d have summoned creatures everywhere to prevent crap like that.

Try to knock me out, say hello to my celestial bear.

Witch was only level 2 and had most of her spell slots expended, so not much she could do. If they weren't both so intent on seeing the "encounter" through to the end, I woulda vetoed the whole thing desu.

And what was this lynching incident?

Always check your bathrobe for assassins before wearing it!

But was it this amazing?
youtu.be/FqRhUtXkTfI

Shot an Eygptian mummy warlock with a railgun in a little old lady's house.

When players take what their imaginary masks do personal it's time to take a time out...and kick them in the heads

I feel like that's something Prestidigitation shouldn't be able to do but it's still fucking funny
I love utility spells

ITT: Things that Never Happened
Pic Related

Saw one character kill her rival literally during sex. Like they were going at it and she took it as her chance to kill him as they were both fighters but she was a grappler and he was without all his gear that normally would make him more dangerous.

Kind of magical realm, kind of that player being like "Oh wait, I can do this!"

Why don't you just use your mod powers to delete the thread?

>fighter spent multiple sessions being a creepy motherfucker
>soon after split from the party and started stalking them from the shadows
>literally a private chat with just me and him detailing him stalking the party and rolling the checks to do so
>eventually confronted the party in a wizard's tower, mad tenuous amends
>a mission soon after was the party going into a mine to root out a hag that was slaughtering miners
>encounter ends with poison gas flooding the mines and the fighter barricading the party in a room being flooded with poisonous gas
>I don't know the rationale behind his actions
>ranger dies to poison gas before the party can break through the barricades
>rest of the party ganks the fighter and drops him
>the ranger's ex-companion (a bobcat) gets the last hit
>Fighter's player OOC throws a fit via PMs to me than promptly blocks everybody

Not really interesting, just nature taking its course in regards to shithead players.

I have evidence you absolute pontiff of pedantry and archenemy of fun. It's hardly overhwelming evidence but certainly would take more effort to fake than I'd spare a pillock like you.

>you absolute pontiff of pedastry
Fixed

Patrick Bateman leading a platoon of soldiers armed with mops and soapy water against a special operations team.

Does fighting The Great Tuxedo count? Because my group tried to remove The Great Tuxedo from the sacred hanger, not realizing it was, you know, The Great Tuxedo, and was chased across many realities by the enraged dinner jacket for daring to defile its cosmic slumber.

A fight with a steampunk robo-minotaur that turned into a battle of who could make the most cow/beef puns. We won when I got three puns in one sentence, and the robo-minotaur killed himself out of respect.

Fighting a porn witch's ghost posessig a nun and her army of enslaved boytoys with bread shaped like dicks being wielded like swords.

Unknown Armies is a strange game.

My last superhero game had fights against:

A space elf butler with a sword cane
Punda the pun bear
Numberlord the calculator monster
A dance off with The Most Fashionable Man in the Universe
A high stakes card game against the Dogs Playing Poker

We had to wait for the ranger to stop fucking the succubus to fight her. We were staying at Dis of all places with a guide/guardian and the warlock identified a Succubus working at the inn as a barmaid. He doesn't tell anyone. The player stands up and leaves temporary to get food. The rest of the party is at the inn eating deviled eggs and red devil cake and the ranger and barmaid/succubus leave to go have sex. The warlock player comes back and after a little while finds out where the ranger went and said "You know that was a succubus right?"

We all ran upstairs and started banging on the door yelling for the ranger. The door was locked for some reason too. He said he was doing okay but come back later. We told him we're coming in anyways and it became a race between the party rogue unlocking the door and the ranger rolling performance checks to make the succubus cum before we made it in. The door apparently had an anti-theft device and squirted acid into the rogue's eye and we had to wait for the ranger to unlock the door before we knocked the succubus out.

Isn't that just a regular pontiff?

>They confronted the "wizard"... in order to get laid.
Sounds like they've got their priorities straight.

Not the weirdest but one of my favourites.
Was in DD3, i played Eilenna, a tavern wench with huge anger management issues who became paladin of Torm after killing undead with cooking tools. After a nice campaign, she is now lvl 13, and about to become a knight of Cormyr.
So she has to socialize and is invited at a ball by Alusair. Akward situations happened, as expected, since adventuring didnt exactly improved her manners, and she is getting really bored ( and angry. Doing nothing angers her. As many things).
Seeing her bad mood, the young heir Azoun V, who is quite fond of her, decides to invite her to see his grandfather weapons.
That is the precise moment the assassin hidden among the nobles waited. The young king is without guards.
The assassin strikes switfly the girl and, in the same move,prepare a coup the grace on the unsuspecting child.
Then, things go really not as planned.
The girl is not dead and the poison seems to have no effect. She look at her bloodied dress then roar
"Wtf did you just did you #%@ ?!!"
Roll init. I wins.
Gm: what do you do ? You have no weapons, trying to grab one the rack will leave the king defenseless
Me: i headbutt.
AOO wounds a little.
My turn . Declare smite evil+ power attack 6. Roll. Nat 20. Roll to confirm 19.
Confirmed.
At that moment, the assassin is confused.
A angry girl just almost broke his head after being stabbed .
He is confident to be able to kill the bitch, but guards will be here soon.
He drops his disguise and tries to frighten her. He is a doppleganger after all. Humans fear him.
The girl stares at him a second and gets even angrier
"I was sure it was one of you #@%& !!!!" (In truth she has no idea, she is as dumb as she is beautiful. But its a "monster", of that she is quite confident).
Then ensues a beating.Half naked since the blade cuts her ball gown to rags.
It ended by Azoun V managing to give her a blade from the rack that she used to finish the assassin in one swift blow.

All right, I have one. This was Wraith: The Oblivion. It's a game where the PCs are ghosts, and it's extremely hard - being dead - to reach across the Shroud and hurt someone.

My PC was murdered by his friend, who eventually married his wife. When he realized who had killed him, he came back for revenge. He'd studied the Arcanoi Outrage, which allows you to do all kinds of poltergeist shit. However, he hadn't studied that MUCH, so he only had the third-level power, Stonehand Punch. Stonehand Punch lets you throw a single punch at a human being, which you can use to knock someone silly or physically wound them with all your ghostly strength.

Here's where it gets funny. His nemesis was a natural medium, which meant that he could see wraiths. The thing was, he didn't know it. And neither could my PC. So when my PC went to kill him, the silliest fistfight resulted: Both combatants could see each other and shit-talk each other, but they couldn't HURT each other without substantial effort.

My PC kept throwing Stonehand Punches, which kept missing or bouncing off. The other guy kept trying to throttle my ghostly character, and all he did was to mildly irritate my PC (who wasn't solid). It became more of a farce than anything else, especially since my PC ran out of energy and therefore couldn't throw any more punches.

So we just yelled at each other for a bit, which was even funnier when my PC's wife showed up and saw her new husband screaming obscenities at empty air.

My players fought Santaclaus wielding a steampunk minigun and a massive candy cane by a sadistic Tiefling who was addicted to killing, an Elf who was treated as a Christmas elf and wanted revenge, and a pyromancer in a bathrobe who just wanted Santa's coat.

Did you deflect the strangle to a different dimension

>My character had left a woman scorned by choosing another
>Before the rather powerful Anti-mage could turn me into paste my character offers a deal
>Let my character supply his adopted with a good father figure and when he arrives at the end of his natural life span she can kill him if she is still angry.
>60 yrs later my character is in a wheelchair, his pipe smoking has turned his lungs to charcoal briquettes and she is still angry.
>Battle begins with her closing distance and us shooting each other's guns out of our hands
>She finally closes enough to use her mace but before she can my character stands up and hits her across the face with his wheelchair
>punt her in the head while she's down knocking her out
>Command a servant take her to city limits
"you can try again tomorrow, toots."

>MFW comes back three days later shoots him in the back of the head while he's smoking in front of the fireplace.

Sounds like a good time, I'm happy for you

I had hoped that maybe it was a case where the assassin had JUST gotten out of the shower when he realized that he’d forgotten to kill your character, and he didn’t have time to get dressed before doing the assassinating because the client would be calling to check in within half an hour and he’d be in hot water if the job wasn’t finished. (In the ensuing fight, he keeps glancing at a clock.)

Inn got attacked by an armed group of orcs. Dwarf cleric who wears stoneplate, leaps out of his room naked swinging his axe, rolls a 1 on acrobatics to vault the railing leading to the first floor and ends up nakedly entangled with an orc.

Or when I ended up fighting the future past bbeg of myself who was driven mad due to all the horrible things I had been part of. These things were generally instigated by my party members. I just wanted to make money with cheap dwarven knock-offs.