"Now settle down, ladies, these visitors are going to teach you something they've learned from their adventurers."

Everyone knows to gank the wizard first; you need contingencies in place for when that happens. You're not a proper caster until you can bust out of jail while bound and gagged, and without your arcane focus.

When dealing with underpaid adversaries, never forget to offer them a snack. You'd be surprised how often that works.

Always move in groups of two.
Never advance past the point man or lady.

You can EAT MONSTERS!

>Well the wizard is the guy to my left, I can only cast spells up to 6th tier and psionics up to 5th I can barely defend myself, but I know a thing or two about taming cosmic horrors..
>I'm going to teach you the 17th tier of magic. The first thing you're going to learn: reality as you know it is a semi-gelatinous construct, as would be the structure of the tenth dimension when observed from afar... therefore magic formulae can be altered in such a way that.. hmm, and that's how you cast a 1st level spell without spending energy, using components or needing gestures... now, if you use the previous product and stir up a little inside your golden egg... and that's a bunny rabbit made out of terror and rainbows. I think that's girly enough. Oh, it's just a normal rabbit, not demonic or evil or anything, just know it's a true creation that we wrung out from the pit, either sacrifice it or care for it responsibly.
>You take the Ax, and then deny the artifact's warping capabilities by screaming real hard something very profane and swinging the ax at it like the universe depends on it. If it doesn't shatter, try again. If the ax shatters, use your anger to take that shattering out of the unreal bubble, and put it inside the artifact like you're fisting a turkey... ok... putting the filling inside...
>Now, having a dream to become the best thief in all the nine kingdoms is a nice place to start, but then I realized... if I could not think about a higher dream, I could steal that too. Like you lady, wanting automatons to do things for you is thinking too small. Aim for reality to do things for itself. I mean, that's what I'd do if I was a wizard. Oh! I I can teach you how to change your test results!
>Mundane make up or clothes may be a lesser concern in your lives, specially since it's hard to be pretty while adventuring, but believe me, at the end of the day, when your magic is spent and you're tired, you still need to look presentable before the prince.

>witches

I will now demanstrate the most efficient way to purge a group of foul witches.

Don't stand in front of anyone who has any ranged attacks if their aim (rolls) is shit.

Always throw short people at monsters. Halfings, dwarves, gnomes, children, doesn't matter. It might not be effective, but it's always hilarious and confuses the shit out of the monsters.

Nothing is invincible, nothing is unkillable.
Researching into eternal life only gets you into trouble. If you do go forward be prepared to kill other beings who are also trying to be immortal.
Don't do necomancy. Becoming a lich sounds cool, but in truth, they are ugly, stinking and no one likes them.

Don't marry an adventurer. It never ends well.

>Necromancy is bad, Mkaaay.

>Bard
>Start singing "Never Split the Party"

"When performing surgery, always have medicinal brandy with you, for three reasons: first, a small drink of it will steady your hands. Second, pouring it on your tools before working within the body of your patient will prevent the spread of foul humors or native diseases. Third, if you give some to the patient, it may numb the pain. Now, I think it's best if you all learn how to recognize some diseases by their symptoms; I have my sketchbook right here. Now, THIS is what ghoul fever looks like; up until the person becomes a ghoul, obviously. And THIS is a foot in the middling stages of what the commoners call 'Boot Soup', but which is better known as- oh, dear, you're going to vomit, aren't you?"

"Being willing and able to use your abilities effectively and creatively is more critical than raw power. Both potency and versatility are good, but if you can only have one, choose versatility."

"When in doubt, use fire. If that doesn't work, use more fire. If THAT doesn't work, you clearly haven't used enough."

"Dumbledore is a Dark Lord, your DADA professors will try to kill you, if you want a Ministry job learn to roll over and take it up the spell hole, and blond rich-boy Slytherins are always gay for anyone with a forehead scar. Always."

You should always double check your ritual summoning circles. But if you really REALLY don't have time, make sure you're not the person furthest away from the exit.

*Sound of fly being unzipped*

>Boot Soup
I'm taking this.

You are probably wondering why I, a Cleric who has served Pelor for 500 years, aren't immediately serving Pelor's will by purging this entire school.
And why I have the gall to preach Pelor's will in the young faces of witchcraft.
I shall tell you why.

I was there, 499 years ago, on a cold autumn day, when I were a mere Cleric-Squire sent on a mission to safeguard an ancient artefact said to be sacred to the elven peoples in the jungles of Umbura.

Apparently, the artefact beheld the power to ward against darkness and bolster light.
It went missing for one day after a wizard wished to claim it for research purposes.

I survived the Crimson Invasion.
The horrible nightmare of shamanism.
Shamanism is one of the most, if not the utmost, sinister of evils I have ever witnessed.

Cannibalistic warriors who seemed to silence magic with their unnatural presence, cultists who would paint themselves with blood of human, elven, creature, and their own.
Even the very elven-blessed jungle of Umbura seemed to be teeming with absolute evil that day.

Seven-thousand of my own kinsman, one-million innocent elves lives sacrificed to their dark gods.
Their flesh tainted, eaten, given to statues of their deity that would come to life and consume cultist and sacrifice with greedy rapaciousness.
In desperation, my own commander imposed that we abandon Pelor and pray for Orcus to help us.
He came for us, and he was consumed by the very jungle.

Guard yourselves, young witches, for nothing else may protect you in the darkness of such evil.
Any evil you commit is justified in my sight, for you are all nothing compared to shamanism.
>reveals a living ankh-shaped wooden statuette

"Always stand 20 feet back and slightly off center from any door being opened by the party"

Hey kids happy halloween nice costumes. Okay let's get down to brass tacks.

The GOVERNMENT, by which I mean the King--who is not legitimate by the way, the Constitution of the United Straits of Arcturia does not allow for a King--is putting chemicals in the water that turn people into losers.

Yes, it's true. That water you've been drinking since you were a kid has been stunting your ability to build muscle and calcifying your pineal gland. This is why so few people are capable of being adventurers. Thankfully, I've had plenty of iodine and collidal silver in my diet since I was a kid so I was able to become an adventurer and go out and slaughter Goblins. Let me tell you about Goblins.

Goblins were created by the CIA--Centrilized Intelligence of Arcturia--sixty years ago in Warcamp LI using the genetic material from crashed Qlippoths in the desert. Goblins are a CIA psyop intended to act as supersoldiers in the coming transhumanist race war, when the King and his banker friends intend to upload their minds into golems and rule over the rest of us like cattle as we slave away in their salt mines.

Well they will NEVER succeed, NEVER, because brave young adventurers like YOU are going to massacre the Goblins, and shut down their plans, and I'm here to help you DO IT, but the first thing you need is SUPER ADVENTURER VITALITY, the special product from Arcturus Johns, only available here at Dungeonwars.

Have back ups, as many as it's practical to have, whether thats a weapon, a plan, an item or a party role it doesn't matter

Always account for the worst possible result in any part or whole of a plan you come up with and how it will change what you have to do if said event results

K.I.S.S, or Keep It Simple Stupid is the best idea for any plan you have, figure out what you Need to have happen then plan

Passwords, codes and a sign language only your group know will save your life at some point

Most people will tell you to take a ten foot pole with you, well some people are clever so take either an eleven foot pole or a weak summon spell to trigger traps

Learn how to forage, cook, sew, navigate, perform first aid, repair your weapon and play a musical instrument

Some manners can take you far, don't forget them

Always keep your end of a deal, having a good
reputation is worth it's weight in gold

Trust is priceless

Revenge is a sucker's game

Never fight fair

I had a professor like this once.

ALLRIGHT. I know you kids are a little young, but let's get to business.

Sex Ed.

Don't fuuUh-hug barmaids.
Don't f-(shit) hug people with wings.
It's ok to hug elves. They like it when you pet their ears.
Dwarves don't like being hugged. They also have flees.

Use contraceptives. Especially around people who sing, dance and read poetry. What do you mean what's a contra-(damnit)... Nevermind. Just remember that for when you're older.

No means no. If they persist, carry protection. I have a dagger tucked into my boot.

When you're looking for good whores to- YES, horses. Yeah, the prettier the horse does not mean a better ride. You. There. Stop giggling.

Damnitall. Someone else take over. I'm a rogue, not a good example.

I asked the DM for the common word used by peasants to characterize progressive STAPH-like foot infections that cause the formation of carbuncles or other nasty skin abscesses followed by the dissolution of the outer skin layers. That's what he gave me, and my PC subsequently became the first chirugeon to formally categorize "podiatric liquifactive syndrome" and suggest a preventative course of regularly cleaning your shoes and allowing your feet to breathe.

"Well... if I remember correctly, you'll still suffer from the female complaint, so... I would advise getting used to applying absorbent cloth to the inside of your knickers, possibly with some sort of herbal ointment to lower the risk of infection... also, if you insist on... congress with a man, I believe that a resin of the fennel called 'midwife's vexer' in the common tongue is renowned for solving the effect which often comes afterwards; but for the safety of not spreading certain diseases and curses... damn it all, is there a member of the fair sex among these lecturers? I'm unqualified to talk about female troubles!"

Pretty much I'd just go down the 70 maxims
schlockmercenary.wikia.com/wiki/The_Seventy_Maxims_of_Maximally_Effective_Mercenaries

HEY. I /am/ a female.

To the girls: When your bleeding, use a clean towel to stuff to your nethers. When you are done bleeding, you just wash the rag with the paladin's laundry.

To the boys: If a girl is bleeding from her nethers nothing is wrong. Girls don't die from blood loss. The bleeDO NOT TEST IT OUT. PUT DOWN THE FORK. (Damnit, gimme that. Everyone pass your sharp object to the front of the class.) Swazsaying... Bleeding from the nethers is like peeing or taking a dump. It's the body removing impu- I said stop giggling.

DO MUCH LABOR
BECOME BIG LIKE GROM
BECOME ANGRY LIKE GROM
TAKE AXE AND CONQUER MUCH LAND AND MANY WOMANS
ENJOY LITTLE THINGS OF LIFE

Grom why would little witch girl want to conquer womans?

Hey now, they could swing that way... you never know.

If someone offers you any Phyrexian trinkets. Run as fast as you can the other way.

Always have a buddy, never travel alone. It might just save your life.

There may come a time when your Fighter just won't be able to survive an encounter. It's a good idea to give them a portable hole and a bag of holding. Just be sure to run away as fast as you can.

Sometimes you have to hurt your teammates to to save them

"Check out how hard I can pee!"

You. Stand outside the door and hold your arms out so I can see them. Hold this cup of water.

For fuUgh... I'm a rogue, damnit. Not a babysitter. Fuc-KINGDOM-run (phew) schools are a waste of taxes. I swear.

Wait... Why AM I here? Where are your wizarding professors?

>Witches
>Not wanting to conquer all the womans

Akko, go back to bed.

drinking

they want you to teach the students what being an adventurer has taught you

Sometimes, you just gotta up and stab somebody. Get some lessons from a Rouge, fighter, or paladin. They'll give you plenty of advice.

All I've learned is to Evocate what I cannot Enchant, to never Summon up what I cannot Abjur down. That the illusion of wealth is far easier than the reality of wealth. When told to make new friends, don't resort to necromancy, golems are much more PR friendly, and if you want to speak to the dead Divination does the same thing but people of low education, close proximity to fire, pitchforks and bored clerics tend not to start looking at these things speculatively when you use it.

And lastly. Never. Ever. Transmute into a Snake.

It never helps.

That's gnarly as fuck, man. I always love doing medically-sound wound reports on what that 1d8 damage actually did to the goblins' wedding tackle.

You think that you'e really smart, and you probably are. But you also can't possibly know everything. Even if you do, you can't use that knowledge effectively.
A fighter is more than a sword and shield for you to hide behind. A Dwarven cleric is more than the guy to ask for advice on stone cutting or religious texts. They are people just as much as you are.
Tl;dr Your adventuring party should not just be people you lord yourself over. Make friends with them so they can help you just as much as you help them

Rogue's law: It's OK to borrow loot that your party doesn't use.

GROM THINK YOU ARE OF BAD CRITICAL THINKING SKILL
THINK YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO ELDERS FOR WHIPPING WITH REEDS FOR NOT OF LEARN WELL

WITCH GET WOMANS
MANY USES BESIDES BABY
WOMAN MAKE FOOD, WASH LOINCLOTH AFTER HARD DAY, OF WARM ON WINTER NIGHTS, CAN HUNT OR OF EVEN FIGHT OTHER TRIBE IF STRONG AND LOYAL

WITCHES LEARN MUCH FROM ELDERS, SO THEY MUST KNOW OF THESE MANY USES

Also, always stay hydrated. Nothing like shitting stone with hemorrhoids.

Well, Urist, you're not supposed to eat stones.

"And here's how you pull a coin out of someone's ear! Stare in awe at my dark and terrible magic!"
my character is actually the party wizard, but she's a necromancer and figures the best way to make sure she doesn't get in trouble is to make it so that anyone who does catch on is ridiculed for having believed she's an actual mage when all she does whenever she's anywhere near civilization is really crappy magic tricks

WAIT! IS THAT WHY MY HOLY TABARD TURNED PINK! YOU SAID YOU JUST WANTED TO BE HELPFUL WITH THE LAUNDRY! I TRUSTED YOU WITH THE HOLY GARMENTS OF MY ORDER AND THIS IS HOW I AM REPAID!!!

>t. long suffering paladin wearing pink tabard he is now ripping off.

well, maybe if your cooking didn't transmute all the food into rocks...

Here's how you perform an autopsy! Who wants to volunteer to be the corpse?
>whips out medical mechadendrite

Everyone who isn't the Rogue's law: If he doesn't ask first, you axe first.

It's not my fault my mother never taught me to cook!

Learn. Orcish.

But those are all goblinoids.

>One of the party steps forward.
>He is a gaunt, rangy man in a grubby tunic. His face is covered in burn scars: he looks like a melted wax-work of Dobby the House Elf.
>His gaze passes over the witches. His look is hollow, like he's not seeing the same world as everyone else in the room.
>Occasionally his fingers will twitch, and his lips curl at the corners in a fleeting snarl.
>He is silent for the most awkward 5 seconds of the young girls' lives.
>Then his vision returns to focus. He blinks, as if waking up. He looks around again, seemingly lucid this time.
>He nails the witches with a stare that could moor warships, and says:

"For fuck's sake, don't ever make deals with the Fae."

>Then in a moment the fog descends again. His comrades lead him gently away.
>The man spends the rest of the talk crying in a corner, trying to protect his face.

>I /am/ a female
Tits or GTFO

In front of the children? What kind of class do you think this is?

A class during Veteran's Day.

The best kind, of course. Now, you gonna teach these girls or not?

>anime wiches that are neither milfs or yuris
quite some implications you got there, user

cost us another paying gig and am having the Wizard curse you

Don't trust the dark haired one of the one with the weird smile, I'm pretty sure they're shapeshifters or mimics of some kind. It's just a gut feeling, but listening to my gut has proved a reliable way of staying alive, so maybe you should zap them or whatever. Can I have my pay now?

Always pack a pillow and as much soft toilet paper as you can carry. If you think you have too much, you're wrong. I cannot overstate the importance of having enough or the misery that comes from running out.

>From the Warlock's daughters, because he technically doesn't exist anymore.
Dragons 101, or "Our mom could fit this entire classroom in her claw and is a really powerful spellcaster! We just feel like bragging! Also, papa says that you shouldn't practice Creation or Essence magic on people other than yourself, and even then, only the healing spells."

>From the Warrior Summoner
Mentalists: Why having a low Psychic Resist sucks around Telepaths, and why the Electromagnetism ones need to be watched just as closely. Hint: It involves friendly fire and fist-sized holes in everything in a 3000ft line.
Followed by pointed glares at the mentalist.
Additionally: Totem familiars, why does this ghost stoat murder every-damned-thing it sees even though it's a gift from Mother Nature herself.

>From the Mentalist
Aiming: It's overrated. The odds that you will actually HIT an ally are slim at best.
More death-glares from the Warrior Summoner, her Ghost Stoat, and the two half-dragons.
Okay, maybe better than slim...
And Escape Routes: always have at least one ready and/or active at all times. If the enemy can touch you, you need to be further away.

You remember these are witch kids? Surreptitiously applying your menses to a man is how the heroines get boyfriends in the kind of books that are confiscated around here.

Remember, burn the corpse and smash the jewels. If they're a lich, the jewels might be a phylactery. If not, they're diamond dust for permanency rituals.

Necromancy is a valid school of magic. Don't let the paladins tell you otherwise.

It's not the Paladins you need to worry about. It's the angry mob with pitchforks, rope, torches and kindling you need to worry about.
Paladins can be reasoned with. A mob is only as intelligent as the IQ of it's stupidest member divided by the number of people present. Your best bet is to claim that it was your familiar the whole time and hope they buy it when you force the thing to transmute into a Firedrake.

Again though. There are easier ways of making new friends than Necromancy.

Remember to scatter the ashes in a running stream.

Failing that, cut off the feet, hands and head and bury them underneath three separate crossroads in metal coffins. The head should be buried with an onion stuffed into its mouth and a coin stuck on each eye.

Physiology and Anatomy OF A LYING ATTENTION WHORE

"The Reverend Mother must combine the seductive wiles of a courtesan with the untouchable majesty of a virgin goddess, holding these attributes in tension so long as the powers of her youth endure. For when youth and beauty have gone, she will find that the place-between, once occupied by tension, has become a wellspring of cunning and resourcefulness."

Remember, immunity to magic does nothing to prevent a trebuchet shot from destroying a castle. Siege Weapon Mastery is an important skill to have.

dumb bene gesserit hags wish they could into seductive wiles

Trust me little witches, you could learn more under a rock than you could under them

>hates bene gesserit
>posts honored matre
>caring about Dune post Golden Path
WEW

>That frail thing an HM
Honored Matres we're described as brick shithouses almost exclusively

Chapterhouse was best dune, you cannot prove me wrong.

>ywn see an Honored Matre vs Bene Gesserit prana-bindu martial arts battle

Fucking kekd

FUCK unicorns. FUCK THEM. No, not literally, I mean with like swords or fire or shit.

A good balance of Corp Starche, Amasac and your medical supplys keep the Ancient horrors at bay
Space Elves are ass holes. Don't say it out loud or think it. They'll know.
Always bring extra of everything
If you can only buy one. Don't purchase it.
Your horse is your second weapon. Never miss treat it.

How to heal a party with sex.

I bet you like to stand in the middle of wide open fields and talk shit to thunderstorms.

Those thunderstorms were little bitches and they totally had it coming, SOMEONE had to say what everyone was thinking

They can also get womans (male). Do all the work of womans but are actually weak guys you've beaten in submission.

I could show you how to punch things really hard... I guess. Or really I'd be showing you how I can punch things really hard; you girls look like your arms look like they couldn't even stand up to a stiff breeze, let alone a good wallop. Are you sure they're feeding you alright here?

This a sword. No, no, it's pronounced "sword"
The metal bit goes on the other guy.

Oh. It's pronounced sword? I was saying sword for the longest time.

A believing heart IS magic.