Well, Veeky Forums, are you a a weenier? Or are you a better DM than that?

>I wanna cast magic missile through my violin music, which is totally an artistic skill!
>ok, start playing, it'll take three-and-a-half minutes to finish the song

I dont remember Samwise Gamgee casting magic with his frying pan

>singing a verse or a simple scale takes 30 seconds max
>there's no cooking equivalent to that

could make some toast

>singing a verse or a simple scale takes 30 seconds max

Mind you, that would still be 5 full D&D turns.

frying up some garlic nigga

Looking through Dungeonsdonuts' posts, this guy seems like a faggot. That said, I had the most fun I've ever had playing a rogue when I decided to play a 250 pound 'knight' who had no knightly training and made his squire (another player and an actual paladin) do all the work/knightly stuff while he drank, ate, and acted sneaky, killing shit from the shadows while the party thought he was passed out in a gutter somewhere. I guess this guy plays obese characters cuz it's his magical realm though.

But cooking ISN'T a Performance skill; it's a Craft skill (or Profession, maybe).

Sure, I'll accept that cooking can be considered art, no issues there. But it's not a "performance" art.

On a similar note, given that cooking is a science/art focused on preparing and combining ingredients to create products, could it be considered a form of proto-alchemy?

Actual historical alchemy was more of an obscure, arcane, ritualistic process steeped in occult lore than just mixing ingredients to create products.

Actual, historical alchemical treatises are filled with nonsense instructions that reference ancient philosophers' texts and weird allegories. And the actual historical process of alchemy was this insane tedious process where you carried out same ritualistic preparations (which themselves could take days) for literally hundreds of times because obscure logic of some ancient fucktard dictated that it should work, without any real evidence.

I guess some of them actually made some real scientific discoveries while trying to mindlessly boil down mixtures and do something with the mess, but mostly it was them trying to be wizards and obscuring it as much as possible so nobody could call them out for being idiots.

(So here's the obligatory "Yes, exactly like cooking" joke)

I don't see a reason why something like that couldn't work, but when someone agrees to play a game with you, they're generally doing so with the implication that you're playing under a ruleset you both understand.

To show up to a game with a package of homebrew rules and act indignant at any sign of resistance to them is rather childish.

The proper thing to do in this instance would be to approach the person running the game and make the pitch, explain your reasoning, and communicate your idea. If they're on board, great. If not, perhaps you can work together to tweak things into a compromise. If that isn't an option at all, then find a different game.

I do realize the irony in speaking of communication on Veeky Forums though.

I dunno, you don't have to finish the song for a bard to get immediate effects either, so I can see it being the act of creation that causes the magic.
On the other hand, music doesn't need to be complete to be experienced, unlike actual food.
Really, this sounds like a depends on the setting issue

from PHB:
>Arcane Focus: An arcane focus is a Special item— an orb, a Crystal, a rod, a specially constructed staff, a wand-like length of wood, or some similar item— designed to channel the power of arcane Spells. A Sorcerer, Warlock, or Wizard can use such an item as a spellcasting focus.

other than being a whiny cunt, the bigger issue is she wants it as a weapon and a focus. above, the book implies that it is crafted for the SOLE PURPOSE of being an arcane focus.

improvised weapon? sure, fine, you're a retard and I'd allow it.

the biggest issue though is cooking being a CHA skill if she is supposed to cast magic with it. fuck no, unless you are a hibachi grill chef tossing shrimp into someone's mouth (isn't that DEX anyway?), cooking is absolutely fucking not a CHA check, which is the font of a bard's magical powers.

I would undermine her by ruling that cooking cannot activate the arcane focus unless she has a captive audience (so mainly utility spells), and she has to make music with the pan by banging it on things constantly for other spells, the majority of them in a combat focused system, and I'd frequently make her narrate it so everyone can enjoy how much of a retard she is

Frying pans are slabs of iron, but unsuitable as weapons. The thin parts would deform from repeated impacts and the sturdy parts would be poorly balanced, making for an awkward swing. You would have an inferior weapon with a chance of breaking every couple of hits.

Same here. Only thing I can criticize is the rant seems to be lacking details on the players part. It seems like they chose to not take a feat/point/stat and spent it somewhere else rather than use it to fluff a character.

Also, it's up to me whether its allowed in my game. If I'm running a serious "big damn heros" it's a good idea to be versatile with your items, but not being properly equipped is often the death of players. Also, my fucking game and I will be a weenie if I want to.

Now If I want to run a fun game with beer and pretzels, all aboard, but try to make it work mechanically before coming to me to ask. But most of the times I cut a deal to let them play and not break the system.

First, yes you can perform with a pan, you can do habachi style cooking with it.
Second, it can be an arcane focus, I don't really mind that at all.
Third, you can use your arcane focus pan as a weapon, but it'll be an improvised weapon.
Fourth, the quality of your food is determined by profession, not by performance.
Finally, get the hell out of my game, because you don't get to tell me how I am and am not supposed to DM.

>implying I'm gonna run DnD

sasuga

This provides a nice summary of the situation.
>Tfw I actually have an Inquisitive Rogue in my party who's a master chef as her occupation
She's an archer in combat.

Whenever someone applies to my game, I check their history. If they are the kind of person who replay the same character over and over (or made characters that obviously clash with the few setting limitations I impose) I invite to a solo intro session during which I do nothing but literally degrade, rape and torture their precious little snowflake until they fuck off never to return.

I'd kick this person not because of the concept, but because I can guarantee with 100% accuracy they're a LOLRANDUM That Girl and an insufferable cunt who will only drag down the entire game with their "zany antics" to the point no one but her is having any fun with the game anymore, and no one can say anything about it because the pathetic beta "nice guys" who thinks fawning over her and agreeing with her every stupid suggestion will somehow get them into her pants will throw a fit if you so much as suggest to her to dial it down a notch, expecting to cater to her every idiotic whim until she simply gets bored of the whole game and disappears, leaving behind a fractured shadow of what used to be a good and fun group.

DM makes final rulings, if your idea isn't compatible with the DM, you're either going to have to convince them (something that i think is the best idea, because it gives insight of why the DM banned certain things) or suck it up, making passive agressive tumblr posts, while a pretty good way to vent (seriously though, it's a fucking bit of flavour, relax) isn't going to accomplish anything.

TLDR, fryingpanfag.

Instead, the DM could just manage some of her abilities to work in conjuction of cooking - in other words, adapt something of the class to make her character choice relevant - and let her be the retarded she wants to be. I know that the DM have the final words (besides, he is the narrator) but if he doesn't clarify the tone of his campaign to their players he's wrong.

Why can't I get a player like this?
Instead I get an endless amount of homeless, familyless, historyless murder hobos who's greatest outstanding features is the fucking colour of their fucking swords.

She want's to be Bard (Chef) then not only is getting to be a bardic chef, I'm even going to give her an Iron Chef themed BBEG to fight against just as a reward for having some fucking originality.

>Instead I get an endless amount of homeless, familyless, historyless murder hobos who's greatest outstanding features is the fucking colour of their fucking swords.
Because every time my character had family, you killed them offscreen, you twat.

As a professional chef, ripping the mud vein out of a giant shrimp and slinging it at someone takes about 3 seconds and is monstrously effective at ruining clothes.

I honestly think he is one of the most assholish thatguy ever:

He's the kind of guy so enamored with his brilliant concept to fuck up with the rest of the table, no matter if he promotes it in session zero or after. I had to deal with little shit like him and, trust me, they are not worth one ounce of such creativity.

please explain to me how cooking can produce either an inspirational speech, or musical sounds. another thing, does that person know a damn thing about cooking? theres like, 4 things you can make with a cast iron frying pan ALONE. plus with introducing the concept of cooking into the game the dm is either forced to become a historical scholar to decide what foods existed at what time, or throw realism completely out of the entire game for good because this faggot wanted to be a bard who could make fucking nachos and cast vicious mockery at the same time because "lul so fun!!! XD". also, even assuming you can use your frying pan to cast spells you're still going to need a heat source and you won't be able to use prestidigitation to start a fire. so be prepared to throw away fucking all your adventuring gear so you have enough carry weight left to carry logs of wood on your back and a heavy cast iron pan. then once you get into combat be ready to spend your turn for pretty much the entire battle just trying to build up your fire and get your pan hot. then be ready to never be able to move or do anything but sit there and cast spells while orcs kick over your little setup. not to mention having to describe in great detail how you're cooking what you're cooking so the dm can rule when you need to take an action to add an ingredient. and while you're doing all this, how is the rest of the party going to react? especially the dwarf whos only known method of cooking is spit roasting a whole animal.

>I'm making her a glamour bard and she will be the Gordon Ramsey of the tabletop universe

looks like someone fell for the creamy eggs meme.

Staves are usually allowed to be both weapons and focuses. The focus is never all that relevant beyond getting stolen, and if it's getting stolen, usually so is your weapon.

>other than being a whiny cunt, the bigger issue is she wants it as a weapon and a focus. above, the book implies that it is crafted for the SOLE PURPOSE of being an arcane focus
Bards have additional focuses available for their spells
>You can use a musical instrument (found in chapter 5)
as a spellcasting focus for your bard spells.
Which reading it now, you can totally play as some sort of wind waker character with a wand. That's neat.
But yeah girl in OP is wrong it has to be a normal focus or an instrument and there is no mention of focuses as a weapon ( though a reasonable DM might say a staff and quarterstaff can function as the same thing )

You are fucked in the head and that never happened, you no-game trash.

From now on when playing Prianna, I'm giving her a penis as her weapon. DMs freak the hell out on me about 90% of the time if she doesn't have a "normal regular weapon", but I never use it because she stays in the back? Also... penis is going to be her focus for her magic. It's her tool. It's her craft. It's how she, as a bard, performs. So of course the penis would be her magical focus item as well. BUT WHO THE HELL CARES IF I DO THIS?! Does anyone actually check in with their bard every single attack and be like "okay are you playing your lute right now what song are you playing?!" - no, it's just assumed they're using their instrument as a focus. SO I WILL DO THIS BUT WITH PENIS SHE'S ALREADY HOLDING.

AND FUCKING HELL ON THAT NOTE

I'm tired of having to write up this character as being a musician because some people struggle to see fucking as an artistic skill, when it 100% totally is. I've had DMs in the past tell me that her fucking something is a dexterity skill, or a intelligence skill, and I HAVE WITNESSED THE BEST FUTAS BE CLUMSY AS FUCK AND NOT VERY SMART BUT STILL CREATIVE ENOUGH TO MAKE IT GOOD. I will not accept this dumb "fucking is not a performance skill" anymore.

Penis is her focus. She has proficiency with futa's utensils. She performs her craft by giving amazing fucks to delight the masses. I'm making her a glamour bard and she will be the Captain Kirk of the tabletop universe, gathing fans and fucking powerful NPCs. I'm 100% done with this lame attempt at trying to over-complicate a simple mechanic just because it's not a "traditional art form" - kist treat it like a musical instrument, it's literally no different, and I already get a disadvantage because I actually NEED arousal instead of handwaving that I'm hard like a lot of magic classes already do.

JUST LET ME HAVE FUN, DAMN IT. I'm not breaking the game by doing any of these things. Most of the time her fucking doesn't even come into play anyway, it's just a dumb little thing she uses to charisma the fuck out of things when she's dealing with NPCs - LIKE A BARD WOULD DO ANYWAY.

I'm going to damn well keep her penis mechanic.

IT'S
NOT
THAT
HARD
TO
RESKIN
A
PENIS
AS
A
MELEE WEAPON
AND
A
BARDIC FOCUS!

Being a DM often means knowing when to bend the rules of the game to accomodate interesting and good penises your players gave, or adjusting/reskinning class features for your players so they best suit their characters.

If you get bent out of shape over a player using a cast-iron dick (which weighs almost as much as a small mace of hammer), you lack imagination and are probably a weenie.

Be a better DM than that. Please and thank you.

If porn stars can do it, so can your players.

>magic chef bard
I'd allow it, but then this cunt got all high and mighty and started yelling at me. Now they're out of the fucking game.

Tumblr is a strange place. Let's be glad we're not tumblr and leave it at that.

Realize that it's not that tumblr is bad, it's that the internet lets people see these insane people where otherwise it would be limited to the privacy of their community.
These types of insane fucks have always existed.

>Parisian

A Bard is someone who uses her voice to manipulate magic. Cooking doesn’t make aense

Just retroactively say that the ability comes from cooking done earlier.

You can have flashbacks in RPGs.

Heating vinegar in the microwave?
Nor really for cooking more for cleaning but I imagine that scalding hit vinegar would suck all kinds of ducks to have hit your face

I'd take it as a chance to freeform as a DM, asspull some greater mechanics for their mary sue build. Then id make equivalents fpr the rest of the table so the person has absolutely no spotlight. This would accomplish 3 things
>avoid aspergers
>give everyone at the table flair and fun
>bait the mary sue into continuing to grandstand

If the third happened, I'd keep oace for all party members until it became an exalted game or I threw the panfag out the window.

Exanples of enhancing Gorgon Ramsey
>prestige weapon proficiency to cauldron, can become stationary in exchange for defensovr bonuses and ritual aoe/cast
>play pan with spoon for quick action performance
>pan becomes possessed by the planes harshest food critic, who can taste whatever is on the pan

Idk man just have fun yall are so uptight

You've clearly never DM'd for someone like this, if you had, you'd know that if you give this person an inch, they'll take a mile. The moment they realize that you're on board with their mary sue nonsense, they're going to go way overboard and attempt to completely dominate the story and group until you're forced to remove them. Not remove their character, remove them from your group. Because if you kill their character, or maim their character, or god forbid have anything negative happen to their character at all that they cannot instantly and overwhelmingly overcome, they're going to get very, very upset.

People need to realize that their fun isn't the only fun that matters at the table.

the staff thing is tricky. some backgrounds give you 'staff' as starting equipment, and I agree with the notion that a quarter staff should count as a staff, but not the other way around. it seems anal but consider a staff crafted as a weapon vs. for waking, etc.
I don't like the quarter staff as arcane focus, maybe something like a crystal incorporated into it is fine, but otherwise it doesn't mesh well in my mind with a world where a magical weapon is a huge deal and usually the magic is super specific. obviously it's a staff so it feels like a natural fit, but I think it opens the door for any player to argue for any weapon as an arcane focus

You can experience the main perceptual effect from music (sound) as it is happening. The main effect of food (taste) cant really happen while cooking is in progress, unless she wants to throw salt at peoples mouths while yelling "Why so salty, bitch!"

I'd allow it. It counts as an improvised weapon, and D&d has clear rules for those. Case closed, no need for drama.

Unless of course having a SO WACKY AND UNIQUE signature weapon is just them attention whoring with a super special snowflake and turn the game into some sort of painfully unfunny comedy routine, in which case they can just go away right now. Luckily I don't have any clowns like that in my group.

Smell from the food
Sound from the food cooking
Other senses from food ( i.e. cut onions )

Not him but i can do a piano scale or some inversions in a D&D round with time to spare. Granted, thats on piano

>wah wah wah the DM should cater to me le funny Cook-Adventurer!

Yeah nah, the entitled bitch can fuck off.

You are stretching so hard user

It's a fantasy game, dumbass

I'd allow it

>food smelling good is performance art

I was going to try to refute this but I just realized I hate bards as a concept. This shit is so fucking stupid
>I sing so well I make magic
Why isn't there some peasant class where you smith so hard you make magic weapons or farm so hard you make plant monsters.
Why aren't birds bards? Or whales? Didn't fucking think about that you dumb musicfags did you. All because Tolkien and his song-based setting.
Fucking stupid the more I think about it the more angry it makes me.
No really, who the fuck came up with bards and why is it a mainstream class and how I have not noticed my autism about bards before now.

Note i said Main perceptual effect. The main perceptual effect and intended effect is taste and consumption

consider a totally deaf man. A deaf man can stand in front of a 120 dB amp, and a bard can shred Freebird with an electric guitar for 9 minutes straight, and because he is deaf the man wont benefit from many bard buffs. Even if he feels the vibrations from the amp, he doesnt benefit because the vibrations in your teeth and heart flutter at the bass arent the primary perceptual focus here

>Only 90s kids would understand.

The problem is that there are creatures with bardlike powers. Sirens, harpys, creatures who shriek that cause sonic damage, banshees

It's not just bards. Thats like saying "why cant wolves be sorcerors if anyone can be spontaneously magic via luck/blood"

Intent, user. Birds don't sing with the intent on doing magic, whales don't sing with the intent on doing making. Bards sing with the intent on casting a spell.

Well that depends. Are things that give sorcerers powers commonly fucking wolves and making magical wolf children? If so it makes ZERO sense why there are so little wolf sorcerers.
It's still offensive. They sing with intent on casting a spell? And it works? What the fuck makes sound so special? A smith forges with the intent on making the best thing they can forge or even the best thing ever forged yet there is no magic derived from that. Bards can cast fucking WISH? Best blacksmith in the world is lucky to forge a magic item.

>And it works
Yeah because they're already capable of casting spells, they just do it by singing. Song is the method of spellcasting.
You seem to think the music is what IS magical, but the person/creature making the sound is what's actually magical. I'm not magical, so try as I might, I cannot sing so well magic happens. The greatest singer in the world couldn't sing magic. But a mediocre wizard who can sing ok can sing magic. Get it?

>it's her arcane focus
Okay, so not a weapon then?
>needs ingredients (material components)
Not if she's using an arcane focus.

Why not use a component pouch in one hand and a pan in the other? It doesn't need to be a focus. Hell I'll even allow you to use it as an improvised weapon, STR-based and 1d4.

Ok that makes sense

You know, I think the funniest thing about this screencap is that girl probably can't cook or take care of herself and most likely thinks learning or having home economics skills would be sexist.

I do, mostly, have one question about this situation: why is she trying to shoehorn in cooking or gastromancy into the Bard class? Like, the Bard class is pretty explicit: you need to either SING, DANCE, or PLAY something in order to make magic.. I just feel as though -as a DM- that she could have easily been a thief/rogue.. maybe a cleric of some FOOD/HARVEST god.. or, like I said before: a gastromancer (basically food wizard: kind of a summoner/support class, little bit like alchemist, little bit like a warlock, I know mileage varies on definition/features.)

I'd be cool with it. Seems like a fun concept.
The fact that she's run the same character with multiple GMs seems a bit weird though.

>I butter the bread so epicly I shoot lightning from my finger tips
I can dig it.

Eh, fuck it, I'd allow it. It's just a reskin of the class's abilities no harm done. Entirely suitable for a lighthearted or goofy game in the vein of Pratchett or whatever.

>smith so hard you make magic
Oh, you mean like the magical hero-smith that exists in every fucking mythology ever?

>IT'S
>NOT
>THAT
>HARD
>TO
>RESKIN
>A
>PENIS
Cutfag pls go

Yeah I know
So why is the archetype mysteriously absent in d&d?
There's not even "dude with magic item" class, magic items are more generic and weak.

...

>Why aren't birds bards? Or whales?
How do you think trees grow? How do you think the tides come and go? It's animal bards singing magical songs so the world can flourish. Without them, nature withers and dies.

What's happening here is that anons are reacting to the tone not the content of the request. If the person making that demand was less spergy it would be accepted entirely fine, even creative by just about anyone here.

>And it works

In this case it woks.

If I were the DM, so would I.
The problem here is that this crybaby probably has the creative capacity of a two-piece jigsaw puzzle and likely doesn't understand how to cook if their only tool for cooking is "a frying pan".
That doesn't even factor in whether or not they plan to take their character to adventure league or how they plan to refluff every spell they use with an equivalent feat of cooking which only takes a single action.

I can dig it.
>Tfw Rooster Cries call the sun Rockadoodle style

>BBEG
Ugh.

Dickhead, bards are literally sorcerers from america who grew up to be rebellious shitheads and outcasts unlike middle eastern real sorcerers going full alladin and shit.

The fact that I gave my group's eldritch knight a how that doubles as his focus was considered a big deal, so I tend to agree.

>why is the dude who crafts spells into items not an adventuring class when the dude who sings spells into being is
With a modicum of critical thinking you could figure this out.

Imagining the pan heating up focusing your magical energies on the thought of a mirrored glistening oiled cooking surface, then releasing that pent up magic focused on the pan at the target

Different pantomimed cooking actions, and thoughts of particular dishes are your fluff. Describe how even the people around you can smell the spell sizzling before it goes off. That sort of shit.

>Realize that it's not that tumblr is bad
Fuck off back to tumblr please.