Tell me about running jokes from your games, no >te-hee macaroni allowed edition

I've got a friend who's DM'd several different campaigns at this point, and in the very first one I was involved with he fumbled the shit out of like five different bandits rolls in one encounter, all while trying to hit the wolf companion of the druid. Thus, this led to all of them saying "that's a tasty little wolf" before they fucked up and either got pushed off the city walls by said wolf or shooting themselves in the foot with crossbows. It eventually turned into something the party just says when they fumble, and as new people come and go, it's just sort of been a thing in even the campaigns where there's nobody except me who was there for the inception.

Apparently every Scorpion in our L5R game has the "Lecher" disadvantage. I wonder why...

>"And with me is a man who needs no introduction, as he is one of the top three players in the country!"
>Overweight black man in white tracksuit "Sup dog that's right, I'm one of the top three players here to give guest commentary on this event."

Thing is, this nameless nigga is indeed among the top three players of anything he participates in, from card games to drag racing to livestreaming.

>underground gases

When the party was buying equipment and provisions for a Tunnels and Trolls game I was running, they loaded up on useful equipment and booze, but mostly booze. I mentioned that even though it wasn't on the list of available things, they could buy pipeweed and clay pipes if they wanted. At this point, the guy playing the dwarf looked up from his character sheet and very earnestly said "Oh, no, you can't smoke in the mines. There might be underground gases."

My party was in a dangerous fight and we were hurt bad. In my fighter's last-ditch effort to win, I flung a javelin at the bad guy and shouted "Come at me!" The javelin delt the killing blow and now whenever we're in a bad spot, "Come at me" is the war cry.

Hi Geraint ;)

Bridges. No matter where we are, something always bad happens with a bridge. Back when we began STK, nearly 3 party members drowned when we all tried to cross the bridge at Nightstone. Since then, we've fucked up crossing any body of water with a bridge.

One of my players is the running joke in my game, but not necessarily in a bad way. He just can't stop being an assholish lying kleptomaniac. What saves him is being a completely gifted roleplayer, although I speculate that he's actually just channeling his inner desires.

In an Only War one-off set in the same theatre of war, Sparshad Mons, as the GG book His Last Command, he did the following:
>Stealing a gilded samovar from a dress regiment and bolting it to his salamander
>Pranking his other tanker friends in incredibly dangerous ways (oily rag in fuel tank, etc)
>Convincing a local supply officer that he "really needs that pallet of lho sticks"
>Using said pallet of lho sticks as currency to acquire heavy weaponry, and then never using them
>Stole clothing from an officer
>Used clothing from said officer to waltz into officer's lounge and steal liquor, in front of three Commissars
>Lying bald-faced to his regimental commander about everything
>Somehow, through excellent RP and amazing rolls, managed to convince a squad of Ghosts/Belladon to part with three of the camo cloaks from their dead

He does this in every game - if it isn't nailed down, he steals it. He never even uses half the shit he takes. It has become a sort of expected tradition at this point, though, and frankly the games just dont feel right without it.

[Obligatory Blood Ravens joke]

Trains. Trains are bad news, whenever they come up a pc dies, almost dies, falls off and gets stranded in some desert... you get the idea.

One of the ally NPC's disappears every time there's combat, yet the players never see it coming.

The running gag from the game I ran ended up like yours.

NPC called Mayor Haddle, players kept accidentally pronouncing it as other similar words:
>haggle
>hassle
>huddle

Eventually I slipped up the word and it was set in stone to the point where other games have had Haddle in some form or another.

There's one I do but it's dice-based.

The naked weequay knife fight is what my players call it.

Started in a EoTE game where the entire party failed to shoot a single naked weequay armed with a knife for over three to four combat rounds in a bedroom. It was so hilarious to have these very well built PCs get fucked by the dice that I upgraded him with an adversary and then to a rival before they finally gunned him down.

It surfaced again in a SR game with a poor KE sergeant who succeeded at holding off an entire team of runners with only his stun baton and a riot shield for like four combat rounds. He got upgraded to a minor NPC called Carter DeWart and he's now relevant to their story.

It's just a fun ingame moment when you take a mook, the dice seems to like him and you make him into a recurring character your PCs will remember.

The lizard wizard is a gay cross-dresser.

>Don't bully children
The party has done this twice and the GM has done this once. The results are a vampire and one racist asshole. Even if she did create the race she hates so much.
>Don't trust dogs
They bite. One killed all the NPCs, one ate a random person, another one just bit the party a lot...
>That fucking catfish-mermaid
MAID was a mistake.

Got two running jokes in our current campaign; then again, our group hasn't been together long, so that's all good.

The first one is due to our Cleric, who has a really beefy Strength score, but bog-average Charisma. He decided he wanted to intimidate a guard captain who was talking some shit, and said the first thing that came to his mind:
>"I flex my neck at him."
DM said it was still gonna be a Charisma based check, and he said he was fine with that. DM then decided, what the hell, make it a contested challenge to see if the Captain could get the Cleric to back down instead.
Cleric rolled a 19 (no modifier). Captain rolled a 1.

Since then, at least once a session, he makes a point of engaging with an unhelpful or stubborn NPC, just so he can say, "I flex my neck at him."

The other running joke happens to be due to the fact that, every time someone fucks something up, inevitably it's down to the Wizard in our party - who is also a Noble, and a crazy crackpot inventor - to either talk the problem away, or fix whatever fuck-up happened, one way or another. It's gotten to the point that one of the more common exchanges at our table is,
(DM describes something not working right)
>"Wizaaard!"
>"Motherfucker!"

The "Warrior Code"

Long story short, we had a murderhobo faggot in our game that excused his murdehobo faggotry as part of his "warrior code" that never came up and he refused to speak about it with "ousiders".
After he left, every stupidly and/or violent action was commented on with something of the effect of "is it part of your warrior code?"

>back when my group and I were all new
>DM was iffy on descriptions at times
>we were at camp and a player asks if he sees anything on watch
>DM rolls some dice
>DM: "You see a six foot tall snake. Looks harmless enough."
>Player: "...You mean long?"
>DM: "Oh yeah that too."
>Player: "So it's a fucking Wall of Snake? What fucking spell level is that?"

For some reason the mental image of a six foot tall, six foot long snake that's still only as wide as a regular snake just slithering along was so god damned funny we've kept referencing it for 4 years.

This is a pretty old one, but
>"Don't do it, man! She's a DROID!"
became a running joke in pretty any encounter involving female-looking robots, robot-looking females, and anyone who might just be a fembot by any stretch of the imagination.

>larp
>gm needed a merchant on the fly for aesthetic
>buddy starts selling dire snake oil
>full on Billy Mays
>couple weeks later
>gm needs two merchants for the same reason as before
>dire snake oil merchant activates
>begins the pitch again
>immediately begin pitch for dire fish oil
>sell it like shamwow guy
>for weeks these two in character merchants are at odds
>suddenly during a town scene these two duke it out over fake medicine and WD-40
>epic merchant fight
>the entire larp is conflicted over WD-40 and snake oil
>literal skub/antiskub situation
>hilarity ensues

For fucks sake, thanks for making me laugh like an idiot.

>paralel universe to our generic fantasy world with only vestgial magic but 1870's tier tech
>"Cowboy Universe"

System?

skeleton cat
was accidentally resurrected when the bad guy created a bunch of skeletons to fight
he has a theme song
sung to the tune of they might be giants particle man

>"Well, you see, we're a traveling improv group"

the next time someone says that I'm flinging a d20 at their face

also all munchkin characters are dubbed the second comming of Kek, our old barbarian

>broken copy machine
lost

>shut up jerry

I need to know what absolutely perfect system managed to generate those backstories.

Why can I imagine this perfectly? This is hilarious.

Regular references to the "Goat Plan" which started a trend of naming all plans "The *something* Plan" Story was pretty fun
>We are trying to root out some old witch who has set up her home in some ruins. The whole thing is trapped to hell and back
>Scouting out the place we see a bunch of fenced off goats
>Let's-make-a-shit-plan-engaged
>We decide we are going to lead her goats away and have her wander into a trap of our own while getting them back.
>Wonder druid power activate: The form of, a goat!
>He is going to get to the fence and let the goats out, then lure them to the characters.
>As he gets close to the gate, a skull on the ground just starts screaming
>fucking traps everywhere
>Goat looks back to where the party is hiding with its best "well, what now?" look a goat can muster.
>Everyone is giving him the thumbs up to keep going
>As the druid is getting close to the gate the fucking which arrives on a flying skull
>Wtf, This Wasn't In The Dossier
>Druid is panicking now, the witch could destroy him if she just starts sniping him
>She flies circles above the druid for a couple of seconds, then starts casting a spell!

my sides, they are gone

>before the throw he tells the party he's looking forward to spending his whole life with them

>have half orc in the party
>party is camping out
>Half-orc: ''GET A FIRE GOING''
>rogue: ''WE AIN'T HAD NOTHING BUT MAGGOTY BREAD FOR THREE STINKIN DAYS''
>starts reciting that scene from two towers
>we all found this fucking hilarious for some reason
>Now everytime we come up upon a band of orcs we catch them in the midst of arguing

>Shit hits the fan as everyone starts scrambling for a new plan, the druid fails a spell save and... falls asleep?
>Everyone is super confused, rule books open as we figure out if he should loose his goat form.
>The goat stays!
>Witch lands and carefully picks up the goat and starts walking it to the fence
>Wait, was this the plan?
>Using some ranger spell, we close the distance real quickly, a failed perception check later we are atop of her and then proceed to pummel her to death.
>She would have possibly gotten away but our wizard sat his ass on the skull so when she tried to misty step to it, they started a slap fight trying to push each other off the skull.
>She dies to a good shanking from the rogue and we consider it a job well done
>Later we get to her hideout and she had so much bullshit in and around her house we would have been destroyed if we would have attacked her straight.
>Finally finish clearing the area and we ask what the hell the witch was doing?
>DM explains she failed to see through the disguise and failed a second wisdom roll to figure out something was off.
>At that point, she just thought a goat had wandered close to hang out with her other goats.
>Thinking to herself "Sweet! Free goat!" she cast sleep and she was just going to let it hang out with her other goats when we crept out of the buses and went full Vietnam on her.

After that, the character who came up with the plan would always use it as evidence that he should be the party planer and should be trusted with all decisions because "The goat plan worked!" which would always be met with a chorus of the players arguing that it didn't actually work and that it was dumb then and it was still dumb.

>"I LOOK AT THE CEILING!"
After having been fucked once or twice by monstrosities hung to the room's ceiling, it's usual for someone to say this loudly in a panicked fashion whenever the party is exploring and the mood is tense.

>The left hand
Out of the game, one of my players (who is quite superstitious) only ever rolls good when she rolls the dice with her left hand. It's become a meme, when a very important roll comes up for anyone, that the whole group "invokes the power of the Left Hand" by softly chanting "Left! Left! Left! Left!".

First one was Savage Flower Kingdom, second one - Barbarians of Lemuria. Backstory generator was taken from a PDF of random d30 tables that was circulating here.

After once describing a farmer and his wife as "old-ish" that became their surname and now members of the Oldish family crop up from time to time.
>You meet the captain of the guard, Tristran Oldish
>"I don't suppose you have family in Kelburg?"
>"Ah, I see you've met some of my cousins then."

Our bard is a dragonborn with social anxiety. He comes from a line of talented musicians, but he's terrible and this manifests as his fire breath being re-fluffed as red hot vomitus. He gets stage fright.

He's only terrible because he uses wind instruments and doesn't have lips

One of my campaign's primary antagonists is leader of a hatred cult (believing that hate, contempt, and disgust are the closest things the lovecraftian beings they worship can get to a human emotion), and her introduction had her discussing her philosophy with the players... without bringing up the "cult" bit until the next session, due to us cutting it short. So the players decided that she just had a serious fetish for hating things, and once they figured out she was a villain they started joking about how the goal for that branch of the campaign was to kinkshame a mermaid.

Also the Ranger decided he was an honorary member of her cult apropos of nothing (Aside from having Favored Enemy as a class feature, at any rate).

Actually, here's the random tables one of which I was using

So, this started when we were playing in like high school, so cut me a little slack.

In a game, I rolled to rape a dwarf because "lol random" and got a nat 20. So, haha, I did it again, nat 20. Real funny, right? The kind of thing that, when it happens, you know people might not believe you.

Well honestly I would've left it at that. But, explaining that scene in a new game, years later, I tossed the die just as a "see, watch this". Nat 20. I know you're probably thinking bullshit, but I have more interesting things to waste my time and lie about on Veeky Forums.

Hand to god, I was explaining this to another new player in another new game (same DM as the original) on Sunday, tossed the die on a rape just to prove a point. I got a 19, but I'm a fighter so that's still a crit

It's been like a decade. The joke itself isn't even funny, but at this point it's an eerie tradition. I worry about what might happen if I disrupt the ritual.

I know what I'll use to spice up my impro games then, shit's full of ideas to set up things in the illogical mess that is my setting.

>"I LOOK AT THE CEILING!"
Same in my group. I was the DM who dropped Spine Devils from the ceiling of a corrupt church and now I can't have any secrets on the ceiling of anything ever now.

Kaboosh the owl. A knight with an owl head. Can only say his name(apart from an instance or two I'll get to.), always prolonging the - oosh. Also whenever something dramatic happens he will always turn his head 180 degrees dramatically and then say his name dramatically.

When he does not say Kaboosh he says hoot hoot then a silent emphasis as if saying motherfucker.

In every game of 3.5 that I DM, I always give a singlr Tinderwig to every important NPC, and I always leave it for last when reading their loot, with a little pause for emphasis.

In all the settings for my campaigns (and the campaigns of two other DMs who have played with me) the following exist:
>Ruby Tuesday's
>Starbucks
>The Red Roof Inn
>The Blue Roof Inn
>The Green Roof Inn
>The No Roof Inn (that's the cheapest one)

Additionally, Femorian (the language of all monsters) looks like Japanese, which also exists. They are not the same thing. Some people speak Femorian, nobody speaks Japanese.

I dm a campaign that my friend plays in, he is the dm for the campaign I play in.

My campaign the players are all pretty much out of ideas of what to do and I’m not one for giving handouts.

>They go to a cave and find bodies and undead
>get their ass almost handed to them by pic related
>come back next day to investigate
>no bodies
>no undead
>a lot of water
>they try their hardest to figure out what the fuck and ask the fisherman they brought along what the fuck
>fisherman says tide can’t make it that far into the cave
>party is still confused wondering where the water came from
>dumbass warlock starts licking the cave wall
>asked what it tastes like

At this point I’m just dumb founded by how retarded everyone is and tell him it tastes like a fucking cave wall.

And now in both campaigns when we ever are thinking of what to do next I ask “can I lick the cave wall?”

are you going to create some plot reason he always comes back to life?

In one of my campaigns, my character is a good friend with another character. We bro out all the time.
One night, we were having boys night at an inn. I fell asleep, but since my bro was an elf, he woke up way before me.
And proceeded to roll a nat20 on drawing dicks on my face.
The next session, we were in my home town and he rolled a nat20 to fuck my mom. Who is apparently an old smoking New York Jew

>look at the ceiling
We have something similar. We had a new player (he's long since left the group) who would always say he looks up. The GM got kinda annoyed by it and said, "You see a bare ceiling. Roll iniative." Which we took to mean "bear". Ever since, whenever we look at the ceiling, there's something related to bears. Drop-Bears, Bear Paintings, Bear-el chested men.

Our group kinda has a running joke of my characters often losing an arm at some point (even without any specific malicious intent on GM's part).

I guess burning down a house is a small thing our group has.
> murderhobo burns down a house to get key item
> "alright, let's not do that, we're the good guys after all"
> month later, different campaign
> mage burns down a mansion
> because launching AOE fireball seemed like a good idea
> one of the players GMs, we accidentaly (!) start a fight with an alchemist
> he throws potions at us, we blow his house up
> every explosion is followed by "for fuck's sake, playername, we're trying to be good guys here"

>Running CoS
>Strahd invites group to castle
>Group writes Strahd back
>Tell Strahd to fuck off
>Strahd pays them a vist
>Wrecks their shit
>Stows away item on player
>Strahd leaves
>Player finds item
>Item is another note
>Inviting group to castle
>Invite is now calling card

Lizard man number three.

A party of a paladin, a rogue, a druid and a warlock, fighting a small army of black-dragon humanoid hybrids.

The paladin casts something that destroys their save rolls.
The druid launches a wall of thorny vines upon them, paralyzing their advance. The rogue throws a poisonous gas bomb over them.
The warlock (that's me) casts hunger of Hadar upon them all, sending the poor bastards into the middle of a pitch-black nightmare of acidy tentacles and the hellish whispers of elder gods.

Unfortunately, nobody can actually see what's going on inside the Hadar'ish sphere of darkness, but we know they're slowly choking on death, freezing in the dark void of the space between spaces, being melted and driven mad by the things that reside within, and are wrapped in spikey vines, unable to escape because of whatever the hell the Paladin did to them.

Except one. One of the lizard-man-things DOES roll a save to escape and succeeds on a natural 20.

He runs out of the void, shrieking through the insanity and death, breaking through to the other side, only for the paladin to shield-bash him right back in.

The party agreed that we should hold the spell for a while longer before releasing it. When we do, there are only the mangled, warped corpses of an army of black-dragon freaks, and one survivor, Lizardman number three, who survived with 2hp, but who had simply been driven to despair and madness, left in a catatonic state, utterly broken. His brief escape had guaranteed he'd outlive his fellows, but it was all just too much for him. He became a listless husk of a being.

the rogue stabbed him through the heart to end it all, and the party felt..... just fucking dirty.

Much later, the party gathers around a bandit lord we'd cornered, paralyzed and dragged back to the watchtower to interrogate. When asked how we intend to get information out of him, the druid says "We're going to turn him into a Number Three."

It worked.

After they "liberated" some books from a burning library, each time when the wizard had to be away for the session he's been spending his time reading "The Mating habits of bears". He's currently on tome 4.

Ah, yes, books. Our wizard, when talking with a king, has produced a wrong book - one called "young clerics".
Since then we treated it as if he learned everything from smut. Especially troll behaviour.

Fuck you and your rules.

In our post-apoc soviet zombie game we had Radio Perun, a radio station eerily switching on the radio and going on about some close danger. Every time it started going the disk jockey, some guy calling himself Susanin, put this as the jingle of his transmission
youtube.com/watch?v=a4kQG_BvhYw

Loaded snub-nose with .38 special. Found at random.

Backstory is that the third time we met at our DM's house, one of our players was looking for forks, and upon opening a drawer found a fully loaded and also cocked with the safety off revolver. DM only remarked "oh that's where it was" and then we integrated it in every campaign. It has godly stats but no one can ever use it effectively since marksmanship doesn't apply to god damn revolvers for obvious reasons.

nearly every time i have a map that i give the players, there's an instance of Loss in it.

they pick up on it maybe 1/3 of the time as it's sometimes pretty well hidden

>"Disco death laser"
>Carnivorous ape attacks
>We trick a dragon aligned with our enemies into killing our enemies

Misnaming things. It started with the (Creepy/Corrupting/Costumed/...) Abomination you see here, but soon spread to one thing in every game. Like calling the evil witch "Angharad" "Al-Hazred" or the expansionist city-state getting turned into Calrissians or Kardashians. Can't even remember what that one was originally.

Here's some of my groups various running jokes across various campaigns and systems.
Forgotten Realms
>Magus chucks a fireball into a small room with me and a group of mummies. "You really ought to be more fire resistant."
>Defeating the boss via the power of natural ones. (This one may require a bit of story behind it.)
> Beer, Grandest Miracle of Horus-Re.

Marvel Superheroes
Hellhound doesn't understand how getting hurt works.
>"But Hellhound, that kills people."
>"I could take it."
>"Most people aren't mutants that stop themselves from being hurt by being too angry to be hurt."

Ryan sees/smells/hears everything.

Mark can't successfully use dominance on anyone.

Rednecks paid with beer will solve all problems.

The promethians are man/woman children with absurd strength

The Dicebot either hates you except when it matters or likes you except when it matters

So something along the lines of

Skeleton cat, skeleton cat
Skeleton cat hates fleshy cat
They have a fight
Skeleton wins
Skeleton cat

Goodberry is simply unrivaled in terms of utility and raw healing power. If you could know goodberry and you don't then you are simply playing your class wrong.

But is there a King Gizzard?

We had a fighter/archer in our group and the party was coming up on the big bad of the campaign, a 20th level mythic tier 3 monk, the fighter loses on initiative and gets smacked a bit.

Fighter backs up a bit and shoots off a volley of arrows at him, due to the monks high AC only the first 2 arrows hit. The monk catches both the arrows.
>how many hands does he have?

Sounds like my party. Every pc fatality so far has been in a river, and lethal water has become a running joke.

The existence of timberland boots in an otherwise mundane setting has been a wellspring of chuckles

>> The salmon-pink cloak then was a running gag throughout the game,
>Was used to resolve some encounters, including distracting a dragon.
That's almost like robinhood/underdog style folk legend material there user; that's pretty cool.

At one point, my group ended up making a massive fuck-off explosive using a cyclops demolition vehicle and a whole squad's worth of demolition charges. When we deployed it, we were able to make a carnifex fly.

I was the one who said something like "My character (who had no part in this monstrosity) takes one look at what you people did, grab a can of paint, and sprays 'The Final Solution' onto it"

Ever since, whenever we set off a particularly powerful explosion, someone cracks a joke about how we had a solution: a FINAL solution.

Also, we're looking for an opportunity to make another, it was fucking hilarious.

In my group, that mook is named Skippy.
We know he is out there, waiting for us...

I cant take a god damn bath its been this way since middle school and I am well out of college now. This is with my longest running DM he engineers ways to fuck with every character I have ever played under him in every setting its our long running thing now that something bad happens when ever I try to wash up in game. Long soak after a hard week travel. Oh look its ninja and your butt ass neked a guess a bar of soap in a towel would make a decent sap. Go to join my npc wife in the shower after working over time in modern times. Oh wow the slasher killed the shit out of her. Hey your just chilling in the bath getting ready for the ball. it would be a shame, if some one, drugged, your wine. Most recently in WFRP my Noble character took lodgings above a bath house and popped down to freshen up before meeting with a merchant, and then a deamon attacked the town and I was in a god damn towel. he was like you could have roomed anywhere else why did pick the one place you knew I would mess with you. Because its like pulling off a band aid, best to do it quickly and get it over with was my response.

The running joke in ours is that one of our past players (God bless him) had atrociously horrible luck when rolling dice 9/10 times. We even had our resident minmaxer roll him up a hilariously overpowered character and he still couldn't hit shit.
Poor guy is the only person I've ever seen roll five nat 1's in a row on five different dice.
So anytime we start getting bad rolls we call it Isaac's Luck. Especially since if he started rolling well one of us would start getting horrifically bad rolls.

Running joke in one of my games is a friend of mine's character. We rolled stats and he ended up being a dwarf with a Physical Beauty of 4 and a Mental Affinity (talking part of charisma) of 4 as well. After being smashed in the face by a 30 pound rock he had his PB reduced by 2 points resulting in him adopting a horror factor (rolled randomly it ended up being a DC 14 check for enemies to avoid losing their turn at the beginning of combat). Now all enemies and most NPC's know of him as "Lord Ulfberth's Monster" and he gained great renown for being a deformed monster who prefers to fight with heavy objects found on the ground like some sort of hill giant... but 3' 8". Annnyways, the running joke is that every time he enters a town people tend to stare at him like he's some sort of monster and generally avoid speaking with him since he's not only uglier than a dumpster but is socially retarded beyond belief.

>Group goes through LMOP
>Kills adolescent dragon by first using Phantasmal Force to Gag it, Then Druid Ate it's eyes
>Dragon had enough and tried to fly away, Wizard cast sleep on it
>130ft of falling damage
We always try to go for splat kills after that.
Last week one of our dudes cast levitate at a dude on a 50ft wall.
Hearty Keks had by all.

Oh remembered another at a different former player's expense.
Poor bastard's characters never last more than a few sessions and almost always die horribly.
>Axion Bow-Stringer - bit in half by an undead dire bear 3 sessions in
>Douchey McFarley - fell into a pit of lava
>Krakem Nerwehar - possesed by a demon and got his soul sucked out by a succubus
>Shodee - accidentally ate a poisonous plant
>Gerdin - fell into a pool of acid
>Charles - also fell into lava
And now I forget the rest of them's names
>One was impaled by a Megaloceros
>One stuck his head in the black hole in the Tomb of Horrors
>One was eaten by a sentient tree
And that's all I remember. The longest life span any of his characters had was 6 sessions.

...

we tend to start new campaigns when the party does some dumb shit and gets an implied wipe

Yup

The goat plan
>mfw

>Dude, you got shot.
The first thing anyone did in combat in our game of Ironclaw was get blammed by a strong-ass pistol because they thought they could tank a gunshot cause he was a big dude. He lived, but his expression changed from hyped as hell to running for cover. Every time he did something good and wanted to feel smug, we'd knock him down a notch and remind him that he permanently metaphorically lost his balls when he charged into a fight with gusto and got fucking shot.

It's very funny -NOT!- how GMs feel about fireballs. Last time in 5e Pirate I blased an enemy ship with two fireballs, yet nothing caught fire.

Yet all the stories here are like "the wizard used a fireball on the house, it burned down after a few turns."

It's like the dick-ass GMs want to punish you for doing what wizards do, on a fucking whim. It really grinds my gears.

I like that one, it reminds me of running joke in my games:

>Bored of 5e and forgotten realms
>DM'ing a game of 5e set in forgotten realms
>Warn the players that the game will be "A fucking retarded one off session"
>Begin play
>While in a dungeon group finds a toilet in the and are fingered by an Otyugh while trying to shit
>Otyugh retreats, party pursues
After climbing down the abnormally large drain pipe the party fights and kills the Otyugh and there was much rejoicing until they noticed an elaborately carved door rumored to lead in to dastardly lair of "Karl Richards, Lich Lord of Myth Drannor"

>Party enters door, door locks, shit begins to get weird
I'll leave out all the other rooms but the most important one
>After traversing all manner of stupid shit the party finds themselves in an odd room
>After an incredibly elaborate description, some brain surgeon realizes they are in a 7/11
>Here they meet Brian, a 400lb man who "Is addicted to Marijuana and eats solely from 7/11 >Brian attacks, throwing a big gulp and knocking the rogue in the group out
>Barbarian wrestles Brian and breaks his leg
>7/11 fills with toxic gas and the rogue wakes up in a cell, Karl Richards is heard laughing maniacly
>Cell smells thick of pot and week old sweat
>Brian, breathing as if he had run a marathon is in a wheelchair and the rogue is blinded after the effects of the Lich's Magic attack (Little did he know, his eyes were turned to noses)
>Brian realizes rogue is awake and flings his blue raspberry Slurpee
>Strikes hard, gallon of slush splashes around the room
>Wheelchair Brian leaps in to action flinging himself from his seat at the rogue
>Wrestling match between a blind man and a cripple ensues for several rounds until both slip in Slurpee slush and Brian cracks his head on the floor.

There's more to the whole story but that's the gist of Brian, now every time we play a modern game the group avoids all convenience stores in fear of the monster within.

forgot pic

Bump for more snake walls

>NPC tells a tale about creatures that drained the blood of the living that were all slain centuries ago
>NPC not smart enough to remember "vampire."
>PC: "I think you're talking about muslims."
>NPC rolls a nat 1 for brain (don't remember if it was insight for "joke" or history)
>NPC goes on to tell people about the glorious crusade against the muslims that once controlled and corrupted the land.

Norport.

I needed a name for a small island that hardly anyone ever visits when some players asked me for the name on the unlabeled parts of my map.

Through just some OOC bullshittery 2 things became clear
1: Everyone from Norport is named Bob, and they all speak in a thick Minnesota accent. Or perhaps there is only ever 1 Bob?
2: Norport is either crazy ancient, or crazy future tech.

Bob merchants from Norport show up pretty much everywhere the PC needed a shop. The land around any Norport shop was officially declared an embassy of Norport. Every time they needed to get something from the shop they would be greeted something like this.

>Welcome to Norport! Home of Gravity! What can I getcha?
>Welcome to Norport! Birthplace of Dragons! Whatcha need today?
>Hi there! I'm Bob from Norport, Land of Everything! Need something?
>Norport! Where all good souls come to unrest! Buyin or sellin?

>two fireballs ignited no part of the ship
>PHB: The fire spreads around corners. It ignites flammable objects in the area that aren't being worn or carried.
Tell him that if he wants to run a naval game then he either needs to rework a bunch of spells or use a different system.