You've been put in charge of the upcoming(?) D&D film, but with a caveat...

You've been put in charge of the upcoming(?) D&D film, but with a caveat. You must do what you can to elicit the most confusion, frustration, and genuine anger from every member of the audience, fan and non-fan alike.

Hard Mode: Nothing blatantly controversial, and with a PG-13 rating.
Nightmare Mode: Can't just use Gygax's original script.

Shot-for-shot remake of the first film, but with both wayans brothers.

Have the movie be about a trans characters journey to find the Girdle of Femininity/Masculinity.

Remake star wars a new hope rip of in a fantasy setting with a full cast of teifling. Nicolas cage playing the lead.

I'm going to assume I'm a producer, then?

Step 1. I'm going to get a competent director. Someone who has some good action movies notches in their belt. This will both build a bit of hype, and with any luck, he'll be able to make some of the scenes good before step 4 if completed.
Step 2. I am going to hire a writer who has NEVER played a tabletop game in his life, and have him write the script. Some cultural awareness of D&D is fine, but the further he is from exposure to it, the better.
Step 3. To help "inspire" this writer, I will supply him with things like Dark Dungeon, Mazes and Monsters, Skullduggery, the first two D&D movies, and greentexts from Veeky Forums.
Step 4. I have the director do his best with the script he was given. When he eventually leaves the project, I hire some absolute rando to finish the film.
Step 5. I get someone who's more used to editing trailers to edit the film together.
Step 6. I do the absolute most marketing I can to make it seem like this movie isn't utter garbage water. I want people to think this is going to be the next lord of the rings. This will be 90% of the film's budget.
Step 7. Do my absolute best to keep the film out of critic's hands.
Step 8. Sitback and enjoy the nuclear butthurt that comes from everyone who was fooled.

Best part: This fucking disaster would probably help some studio do some Hollywood accounting to basically cheat on their taxes.

Make it primarily about psionics. Most fans with shit a brick because it's psionics, and the non-fans will be lost almost instantly — because it's psionics.

So it's "Seventh Son"?

This is simple. You use the standard fantasy races, but you pull a twist to the culture. Normies know elves as tree dwelling immortal no fun alloweds, so introduce them as bear riding daredevils that havenever been known of old age, because most die from stupidity. Dwarves aren't mountain dwelling Scottish craftsmen, but Rastas living in an underwater farming colony. Since any minor switch will hit the neckbeard rage of most fans, doing a lot of major ones should so it, and expecting normies to know that this is normal for dwarves/elves etc. will get them proper confused. To make it even better hire an A-list star team to be the Main party, but then have them voiced by the kids from Stranger Things, extra points if you make Dustin voice the hot girl, and the red head from season 2 to voice the ultra-manly barbarian played by the Rock or Mamoa.

I'd be genuinely shocked if there isn't already a movie like this.

Make it about D&D players, and base the script on that one Chick tract.

...

That's literally already been made you fucking monogoloid.

kek i like this a lot.

>Wayans brothers
>not the Wachowski “sisters”
It IS a fantasy movie after all, so just make it a D&D Jupiter Ascending and you have a box office bomb on your hands.

I'd just remake 13 Demons on Netflix.

It's a really good game guys

Step 1, every person in the world has to actually roll to determine their success, their roll is displayed with an 8bit video game popup. They also take turns in combat, until they get to the final boss, Sans from Undertale

Set it in the underdark and make it a pg-13 day in the life of a drow male.

>Hire popular actors to get normie hype
>Popular actors come in all heroic like
>Movie is actually based on Tomb of Horrors
>Popular actors die from stupid bullshit in the first 15 minute
>Rest of the movie is 2 hours filled with no name actor/neckbeards being super cautious and looking literally everywhere for traps with zero action or story involved and very little dialogue
>Party still gets TPKed
Movie ends after hyping part 2 coming out the summer of 2020.

So Eberron?

>Hollywood accounting to basically cheat on their taxes
Literally The Producers

>I hire some absolute rando to finish the film
No, instead pick some very promising indie director, offering him or her a "great chance to enter Hollywood". You know, the standard practice of giving utter pieces of shit to newbies that will swallow it all with a wide grin and be glad they've been paid a million bucks for it, despite it will utterly destroy their career.

Also
>Do my absolute best to keep the film out of critic's hands.
That's a big red flag for everyone. Instead, you make a small screening for hand-picked critics (read: mostly internet nobodies) and make sure they like it or write favourable, over-hyped reviews (read: pay them)

So.... Alien: The Tomb of Horros?
Because most of what you've described is the first Alien movie. The one that turned no-name Sigurney Weaver into an instant star after killing off all established actors in first 40 minutes. The only part different is that Alien didn't tease about sequel.

>user tries to make a terrible movie
>ends up making a critically-acclaimed classic that spawns twenty other films

What a fuckup.

The story focuses almost entirely on dragon fetishism and as much implied vore/unbirthing as we can get away with.
None of this is even remotely suggested in the trailer. Anyone watching would think they went to the wrong film.

The line reads "(Sudden) impact of dark truth"

Analogy doesn't work because poking doors with 10 foot poles in a dusty cellar isn't equivalent in suspense to being hunted by an alien in a space hulk

I start by forming a committee with all these people involved:

Have you actually SEEN Alien? The first one, the classic one. And did so recently?
Because that's exactly how 2/3 of the movie can be described - poking around with a broom to see if alien monster will jump on your face, while absolutely nothing happens at all most of the time. There is more tension related with the reveal regarding Ash than with the actual alien monster.

user can't even get failure right.

It really is The Producers, isn't it? God, I need to watch that movie again (the original, not the remake).

I like Hitler better in the remake.

they fucking ruined spooks

was mad as shit

All combat is of psions in kickass trippy mind battles, but the scenes only show the real world of them standing awkwardly and grimacing at one another.

The names of all major characters are taken from random captcha phrases.