ITT: Post the stupidest things your players have said in a game

>"I'm gonna lick it."

"Hold this ladder while I climb on your shoulder to get on the roof."

>"What's the siege tower's willpower?"

hang on
Did a certain orc kill a certain level 3 human fighter?
Were there helicopters?
In the next session, did a Kobold monk become a cyborg ala General Grievous?

>"I'm just shoveling hot meat into my mouth"

No, none of these were involved.

But now I'm curious on just what the fuck happened in your game. Probably something cooler than my quote's context (basically, in GURPS, a That Guy using a Socially Retarded disadvantage to act like an ass in every social encounter, which is to say, 90% of the campaign).

>"Yes I'm sure."

This one is precious, sides went to orbit

>party is low level, was almost slain by a manticore that "owned" the swamp
>manticore proposes a deal to spare our lives
>party agrees, we are to fetch her a magical item from within a tomb
>later return with item for manticore
>wizard decides we are actually stronger than her and shouldn't give it
>"But wizard, we already got our asses handed before, we know we can't win in a fight"
>"Its ok. I'll intimidate her into letting us go"
>Manticore just stares while he walks up and starts his speech
>"In the wilderness, even lions are afraid of monkeys and don't attack them, because predators know that the prey is strong and they would get hurt by the monkeys. We are the monkeys!"
>Everyone just stares in awe
>Not the manticore though
>The manticore just crits and drops him in one hit

We basically had to sell our soul to a tribe of kobolds to get this situation sorted out and things turned out ok, but damn me if it wasn't hilarious.

okay, here it is
>Be me
>Play human fighter in 5e, he has no stats below 15 and 20s in dex and strength
>The thing is: he refuses to back down from any fight, even unwinnable ones
>We walk into a store with a fairy cashier and the party starts to steal doritos, except for me.
>I try to intimidate the fairy cashier with an iron pot to get information to the location of a thing called 'armco', a corporation we're trying to bring down
>The fairy freaks the fuck out and calls the cops
>The party bolts into the Jeep, I throw the pot at the fairy and throw my shovel at the police while we escape
>We drive to an orc camp to get blood gas for the jeep, and look around for one to kill.
>One of them finds a meek, sad orc
>But Ike, he tries to find the biggest fucking orc in the camp and then stabs it with his glaive
>BATTLE TIME
>We all roll initiative and wail on the orc, called 'savage'
>Savage would soon be my downfall
>On my turn, I attack Savage with my glaive, using 3 of my superiority dice and dealing 25 damage
>Didn't even scratch him
>Suddenly helicopters appear piloted by orcs
>Long story short the party bolts and I get turned into fine red paste by Savage
Now comes the very-soon-to-become-villain Gi'wb Gor'o
>Become a Kobold monk, picking up Ike's levels
>Go into orc city to look for Armco
>We find an orc amusement park after fucking around a bit and me stealing a hangun from a bootleg armco
>We go to one of the rides, an orc stops us and asks for tickets
>I whip out the handgun and tell the orc "this is our ticket"
>Said orc promptly rips my goddamn arms off with a nat 20
>Luckily we have robotic arms with powerfists on them so a party member gives me new arms
>We get tickets and go to a game thing called battlefield, where orcs drive around and shoot eachother. We go there because there was a sniping point
>We drive there, some time passes where we look for armco and then a bunch of robots come looking for stolen goods (obviously the arms)
cont.

>These robots were miniboss tier, I get KO'd before my first turn
>The rest of the party tries to fight, I think one guy died, most ran away, and I was stuck there
>I roll a nat 20 for persuasion and convince the robots that I'm one of them
>next roll I fuck it all up
>Roll 1 to make them start a revolution
>bots KO me again and then make me even more cyborged, to the level of General Grievous because they thought I was a malfunctioning robot, splittable arms and all
>I am now a villain, a monk with 24 dex that can attack with 1d8+10 damage powerfists that have +9 to attack rolls
>God save us all
Now a new hope arises, Gad Anthu the
(path of the zealot) barbarian Tortle. He's one hell of a tank with 23 AC and 34 HP. I can only hope he doesn't die within one session

>>I whip out the handgun and tell the orc "this is our ticket"
>>Said orc promptly rips my goddamn arms off with a nat 20

>I say 'what's up' to the rock because I'm drunk, lol!
>Said by 27 year old playing a bard of course

Might I add that this was by accident?
The orc ACCIDENTALLY ripped my arms off, let that sink in

The problem with Summon Shoe is you have to recast it every day.

>i don't have to be retarded, I'm pretty

Starfinder campaign said by the space k-pop idol (envoy)

>talking to a very important NPC who we need to get on our side
>Rogue player: is he wearing any jewelry?
>rest of the players cringe
>GM: Yes, he's wearing a very fancy ring
>Rogue player: I roll to steal it!

Just like how you have to put your boots on every day.

>he doesn't sleep with his shoes on
what a loser lmao

>I try to convince the sushi chef to come with us so I can teach him how to make proper sushi
He's still in the party as well

>Not just levitating everywhere