All Guardsmen Party Storytime

So no shit, there we were, standing slackjawed in the rubble of a Crime Lord's private museum, watching the Sorceress we'd just chased through the whole damn mansion making out with BANE FUCKING JOHNS as their gunship flew off into the sunset. After a few seconds of disgusted silence, Doc and Sarge cleared their weapons and made a spirited attempt to interrupt the pair's romantic moment. None of their shots came even remotely close.

Down on the floor Tink and Twitch stopped clutching at their respective injuries as they registered the familiar, if a bit deeper than usual, sound of someone overcharging a plasma weapon on the floor above. Tink flipped through his comm channels and shouted a futile warning while Twitch yanked a catatonic Nubby into cover a split second before a bright blue explosion collapsed a large section of the ceiling. As the rest of us coughed and dug our way out of the rubble, Tink limped his way up the pile of rubble, poked his head out of the smoldering crater, and informed what was left of the other Inquisitorial team that he'd told them so.

>T̶h̶e̶ ̶A̶l̶l̶ ̶G̶u̶a̶r̶d̶s̶m̶e̶n̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶t̶y̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶"̶S̶t̶e̶a̶l̶t̶h̶"̶ ̶M̶i̶s̶s̶i̶o̶n̶"̶:̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶t̶ ̶3̶
>The Return of Bane Johns

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=HEZvChBy-sQ&t
theallguardsmenparty.com/
1d4chan.org/wiki/All_Guardsmen_Party
youtube.com/watch?v=L502UGT_amM
twitter.com/SFWRedditGifs

SHOGGY LIIIVES! "STOMPSTOMP" SHOGGY LIIIVES! "STOMP STOMP"

youtube.com/watch?v=HEZvChBy-sQ&t

FUCK YEAH

The boys are back

SHOGGY! I’m so glad you’re posting again, this is by far the best storytime I’ve ever read! FUCK YEAH INDEED

Great to have you back Shoggy. You have my condolences.

I can finally post what I promised last time!

First time catchin live, so fucking excited

It's so good to see you back, Shoggy!

ERE WE GO LADS!

Also fuck yes Shoggy is back!

Welcome back, our glorious Inquisitor Shoggy!

Glad to have you back. Thanks for sticking with this story!

AT LONG LAAAAST!

Good to see you back Shoggy!

...

>when I see an AGP thread

Read it in his fuckin' voice.

Shoggy, What's your response to the rumor that Your GM is the one who made the massive Genesys Conversion for Dark Heresy, and that the AGP campaign now runs on Special Dice?

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN! Glad to have you back, Shoggy!

Reporting in for storytime, glad to hear you're feeling better mate

...

Holy fuck it's not a myth.

...

...

THE TIME HAS COME AND SO HAVE I!

Hold up, is this that one .gif where girl trips on the opponent and the other girl reflexively leg-locks her?

Hell yeah caught live

Context for those who need it

...

Glad he's actually posting tonight.
Would've felt like an ass after keeping some of you up by telling ya.

INDEED

>That fucking smile
She's as happy with that situation as we are to see Shoggy

>New All Guardsman Thread
>Been awake for 20 some odd hours
>Mfw looking at my bed

>Brief Recap since it's been so long

The party has been sent to the Hive World Joseph Haarlock Sucks At Cards under the command of their second ever Interrogator (now Inquisitor Sciscitat), to destroy a Conspiracy base there. Due to totally unforeseen events, they have become embroiled in a hunt for Stolen Artifacts, which has brought them in contact with both the universe's most overzealous Traffic Cop and a second, friendly Inquisitorial team, who they may or may not have shot a few times.

Working with the second team, the party planned a raid on the manor of a Crime Lord who was holding a high-stakes poker tournament with one of the Artifacts as the grand prize. Theit cover was blown when Nubby, recognizing the Sorceress leading the local Conspiracy cell as yet another former interrogator: Angelica Dominicus (better known as Nubby's Girlfriend), decided to say hi and nearly got his head lightninged off. After a brief shitty-van assisted chase, the party managed to corner Angelica in the Crime Lord's art museum and vault, but were unable to stop her from being rescued by none other than Bane Johns.

Links!
>Archive
theallguardsmenparty.com/
>1d4chan with original thread links
1d4chan.org/wiki/All_Guardsmen_Party

Sorry for the long wait guys, I've been a shithead. And tonight is likely to go a tad slower than usual as I probably got a lot more proofing than usual to do as I post. Might be two or three-dayer.

Thanks for sticking around, and thanks a ton to the guys who emailed me (I'm really, really sorry if I didn't reply).

>Finally catch a live AGP thread

Thanks for shilling your garbage fake story here and on reddit, OP.

I can wait, Shogs.
Just keep 1d4 updated with the logs in case we miss it.

I was wondering when you'd come over from shitting up the other thread.

Fake? Maybe.

Garbage? To the contrary, it's one of the best damn things on Veeky Forums

Ha, same.
Should be interesting.

>Might be two or three-dayer.
I'm fucking ready!

It's alright Shoggy, we're all just glad your here and sharing more of this incredible insanity

praise the emperor shoggy returns

I'm not! I gotta do security guard things in a few hours!

What other thread?

...

Just a hype thread.

Caught one live!
Damm good to hear another storytime!

>Veeky Forums
>sup/tg/
>reddit
>youtube
>pre-thread threads
No this is totally legit and not forced at all though :^)

Please ignore any similarities or suspicious timegaps between the posts you see ;^)

Stop feeding the troll. That bait is obvious and lazy.

I'm a fast replier.

>I've been a shithead
Nah man, You needed some time to yourself and you don't owe us anything, but thanks for coming back

This.

Fortunately for our mouthy techie, nobody upstairs was in any condition to beat the shit out of him. In fact the only one of them that even seemed aware of our arrival was the Fringe-Worlder, who waved at us with the bloody stump of his right arm and asked how "y'all's" part of the mission was going. Sarge managed to convey an entire after-action report's worth of disgust and annoyance with a single grunt, which got a weak laugh from the man and a disapproving look from Doc as he tourniqueted the bleeding limb.

While Doc began triaging what was left with the other team (deciding to start with their Interrogator, whose power armor had somehow failed to stop a dozen autopistol rounds), Sarge's attention was caught by a large figure in blackened, smoking Sororitas power armor struggling out of a hole in the wall. The Big Sister stumbled over to the windows and tossed the half-slagged remains of a plasma cannon out of them, yanked her equally ruined helmet off and began screaming a string of decidedly un-sisterly Vostroyan curses at the distant gunship. Sarge blinked as he finally recognized the face and voice as belonging to Ivana Krushyu, former minion of the traitorous Lord General Omurov, and one of Bane Johns numerous girlfriends before he'd been hauled off by the Inquisition. Sarge, no longer feeling capable of surprise, just let out disgusted sigh at the universe's perverse sense of humor, and asked the valkyrion woman if she had any injuries that needed treatment. She stared at him for a second, and then dropped to her knees screaming and clutching at her head.

I am so exited to be here
I don’t like wasting posts so here, have a funny picture.

oof
brain hurtin' juice

>whose power armor had somehow failed to stop a dozen autopistol rounds

H-how?
Were they using explosive rounds or something?

So damn happy to have you back.

Bane Johns

The last two members of the other team that we could find weren't doing noticeably better than Ivana. Tink found what was left of their tech-priest in a crater full of blood, lubricant, and assorted servitor bits, and after a bit of highly scientific stick-poking declared the cogboy to be "super DUPER dead". The tech-priest in question took offense at this, loudly complaining that "you take one nap in a pool of your own bodily fluids and people start declaring you all sorts of things". He informed Tink that unlike SOME people he could operate just fine without his appendages, and in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts too, thank you very much. If someone would be so kind as to dig him out, top up his internal battery, and drag him to a servitor workshop he'd arrange for Tink to try being limbless torso and see how alive HE looked. Tink was understandably a bit hesitant about helping the cogboy, but was informed that "he's a bit of a dick" wasn't a valid excuse for leaving an ally to bleed out.

The Ganger was in better shape physically, but mentally she definitely a bit out of it. She just kept staring out the window, seemingly unaware of our arrival, or the fact that she was sitting on the remains of what appeared to be one of our Interrogator's murder-dogs. Twitch, interpreting this shockiness as a sign of daemonic possession (as opposed to, you know, SHOCK), threw a vial of holy water at her, which at least brought her attention back to the general orbital vicinity, if not all the way down to earth as it were. Despite Twitch's insistence that she wasn't as angry as she should've been, and was probably harboring a gene-stealer parasite or something, the dampened Ganger was allowed to keep her various weapons (we didn't have the spare bag space for them anyway) and was tasked with getting the wounded Fringe-Worlder up and moving.

Think of how unlucky someone would need to be to have the person shooting at them somehow find all of the weak spots and impurities in their armor...

Bane Johns, man. He's the probability warper, remember?

Bane Johns.
Nuff said.

Now the party needs either an armored null or an exterminatus on the planet Bane is on.

Nah, he was probably close enough to Bane Johns to suffer from his aura of psychic concentrated Sueness.
That's why you take example from HERO OF THE IMPERIUM and always travel with a blank handy.

The way I see it, the AGP has one and only one way out of this trap (short of pulling a blank out of their ass in the next 10mins):

Bane John's insanity field is setting the rules, and while it's horrible to experience it is somewhat predictable, and Nubby's Girlfriend is as trapped in it as the rest of them. All you need is to convince Bane that she's betrayed him and it's the end of the road.

Plus Bane himself is a friendly moron. During the Gold-Fingy mission they tied him up and fired him in an escape pod at the enemy, and by the end he was quite happy and decided they should all just get drunk together again.

Speaking of the HERO OF THE IMPERIUM, been considering grabbing some of his books.
Worth the buy?

I liked them.

They were good, and you can YARR them easily enough. Apparently a new one is in the works, too.

Yes.

It'd miss the fucking planet and you know it.

PDFs, .mobi, .e-pub should be in one of the Megas linked from the general thread, /40kg/ .

It's got a short range, I think.
So just find out which part he's on and go for the opposite point on the planet to deliver the maximum FUCK YOU.

No, it would hit.
Every atom of space and planet except the area where he is.

Nah, he'd hide in a refrigerator.

>"you take one nap in a pool of your own bodily fluids and people start declaring you all sorts of things"
>Tink as a Doctor
youtube.com/watch?v=L502UGT_amM

Knowing Bane Johns? That would probably work better than it did for Indy, purely because fuck you

Which Bond move is Johns's storyline based off of this time?

They're quite good. But if you enjoy them, their inspirations (GM Fraser's Flashman and McAuslan series) are even better, and at least loosely based on real history. Yes, Gunner Jurgen did exist, as a Highland private in WWII.

It was probably GOING to be Casino Royale, what with the poker tournament for the artifact

Back across the room, Ivana finally transitioned from tortured screaming to a mix of hysterical giggling and tears. Not being emotionally equipped to deal with crying women in general, much less one a head taller and twice as burly as himself, Sarge decided this probably meant she was uninjured and beat a rather cowardly retreat. He'd only got a few steps before the crying abruptly stopped, and a large power-armored hand grabbed him by the shoulder. A deep, scarily-focused voice informed him that he was Needed. For A Thing. Right Now. Sarge made a small whimpering noise.

To our not-so-fearless leader's relief, he was only dragged over to where Doc was failing to treat the other team's Interrogator's numerous autopistol wounds. Completely ignoring the medic and his work, Ivana saluted her half-dead Interrogator and in a parade-ground voice announced that Interrogator Sargent was formally requesting to transfer to their team. The requestee's confused "I am?" earned him a glare, a possibly broken shin, and a threatening "Yes, you are"; Sarge wisely decided just to go with it and hope that it wouldn't all end in some sort of Inquisitorial tribunal for gross misconduct.

In a complete farce of Inquisitorial procedure, with Ivana creatively interpreting the pained gurgles of her superior officer, Sarge was inducted into the retinue of Inquisitor what's-his-name. Then, since said Inquisitor had last been seen being sucked screaming into a hole in the warp after trying to use his psyker powers on Bane, and his Interrogator had apparently kicked the bucket mid-ceremony, Sarge was appointed acting Inquisitor, handed a shiny Ordo Hereticus rosette, and put in charge of the team. At least, that's what Ivana said was going on; the Fringe-Worlder accused her of being crazier than a bag of something or other, but recommended we just play along and keep the rosette away from her until we'd gotten out of there. We quietly agreed with him.

OH SHIT
INQUISITOR SARGENT

>"since said Inquisitor had last been seen being sucked screaming into a hole in the warp after trying to use his psyker powers on Bane"
Figures.

Aw, I liked him.

It lives.


Now I need to binge the whole series again.

Worth it.

Shoggy, you take as much time as you feel you need. Don't apologize! Also, if I were a femanon, I'd want to have your babies.

It's 40k.
If you display anything resembling reason, without being a Cain, you die.
Period.

>hope that it wouldn't all end in some sort of Inquisitorial tribunal for gross misconduct.

Well, that's reason... four? for the tribunal we already know about sorted.

The other team having been collected (literally in the tech-priest's case) Doc raised the question of where our teammates were and why we'd gone and entire five minutes without Sciscitat yelling at us. Tink answered the latter by poking at his combead for a second before hastily deactivating it and informing everyone that A: plasma interference or space fairies or something had fouled our comms so they all needed to be restarted and B: the Inquisitor REALLY wanted to talk to Sarge.

Given the fact that we were in the middle of both a Crime Lord's mansion and a large scale assault by the Planetary Secret Police, Sarge kept his report to the half-furious, half-frantic Sciscitat brief, leaving out the hard to explain details about Ivana and Bane and such. The Inquisitor stuck to the basics as well, settling for just a few darkly sarcastic comments when he learned about the Inquisitor's death and the Sorceress' escape with the evil box thing. The mission being well and truly scrubbed, we were given the order to pull out.

The original plan called for extracting via the parking garage, but we were quick to point out that, since the Secret Police had launched their attack from that way, we probably wouldn't be able to reach those fancy getaway cars. And even if we could get to them, they'd likely been damaged in the fighting or something; it was probably best to not even try recovering them. Sciscitat seemed suspicious, but grudgingly guided us on a path to recover our surviving teammates and exit via the route which the second team had used to get in.

> A deep, scarily-focused voice informed him that he was Needed. For A Thing. Right Now.

Heh.
Woulda been interesting to hear about Tink & Nubby's impromptu episode of Pimp My Ride.

Well, on the plus side, they seem to have picked up a few actually competent squadmates. On the downside, EVERYTHING ELSE.

Nubby sold the wheels for an RPG. Worked out great!

Nubby was picked up from where he'd been left moping heartbrokenly around the wrecked art museum, and was attached to the shell-shocked Ganger, who just nodded along vacantly with his self-pitying monologue. From there we made our way back along the trail of destruction Bane had left in his wake, collecting what was left of our teammates who'd tried to attack the two decoy sorceresses and ran afoul of their "bodyguard". Of the four of them:
>The Deathcult Assassin was dead: he tried to knife-fight Bane.
>Face was still breathing but completely catatonic and bleeding from the eyes. Doc put it down as "warp bullshit" and said he'd probably be fine. Or he'd turn into a deamonhost. One or the other.
>The Cleric had been shot. Again.
>One more of our Interrogator's cybernetic murder-dogs was definitely dead, and another had had last been seen sailing out a window, but the woman herself had made it through unscathed thanks her decision to chase the decoys instead of Bane.

Thankfully, the Cleric was still capable of walking, so only Face had to be carried, and the Interrogator was actually being cooperative for a change. We'd expected yet another argument about who was in charge, or at least some incessant whining about her dead pets, but she just quietly fell into line at the back of the group and even followed Sarge's orders. We were incredibly grateful for this given the difficulty of sneaking our whole ragged little patrol passed all the Goons and Secret Police. Twitch declared it to be incredibly suspicious though, and Ivana constantly seemed to be watching the Interrogator when we weren't on the move too.

hold on, wouldn't the interrogator of the other team be shot more, since he had a dozen rounds in him?

Just imagining the two of them speedily cannibalizing nearby Arbites vehicles for spare parts to put them back together.
80-inch military-grade wheels, 4-inch armored plating (only on one and a half doors, on the the right side), and a pane of bullet proof glass duct-taped to the drivers side of the windshield.

It took three hours and a whole lot of stairs to make it down to where the Crime Lord's little sub-spire connected to the hive, and then back up to a vehicle-accessible area that wasn't crawling with Planetary Secret Police. The only real moment of interest was a brief firefight with the bodyguards of some noble fleeing the giant charlie-foxtrot above, at the end of which Ivana's half-slagged power armor finally gave up the ghost. The Sororitas armor was unceremoniously ditched in a closet. The torso-fied tech-priest in Tink's backpack loudly complained that he'd just fixed the stuff after SOME ASSHOLE WITH A PLASMA GUN shot up its power unit. He then directed said asshole in the looting of "the good bits" of the discarded armor, which might be useful in fixing some of the long list of obvious amateur mistakes SOMEONE had made on their plasma weapon. Tink asked if someone else could carry the tech-priest, but was informed they made a cute couple.

Also on the note of Ivana, the disarmed Fringe-Worlder pulled some of us aside for a few words, to "explain her". In short, she was crazy. Like actually certifiably. His boss had snagged her up for no other reason than to spite Oak for trying to recruit her on Hereticus time, which explained a lot, and she'd subsequently undergone some psyker-assisted "reeducation", which explained even more. His point was that Ivana was sweeter than a something full of somethings, but even if we'd served with her before (as he was s'pectin') it wouldn't be a good idea to bring up her past. Or her fixation on Inquisitorial authority. Or whether or not she was actually a Sister of Battle. Or certain varieties of mixed drinks. Best if we didn't talk to her at all really. Especially given that the woman in question had twisted one of those bodyguards' head off like a bottle-cap, and was alternating between glaring at our other female companions and eying Sarge with a downright disquieting level of intensity.

naw he dead

Sarge gonna get Snu-snu'd

>the woman in question had twisted one of those bodyguards' head off like a bottle-cap, and was alternating between glaring at our other female companions and eying Sarge with a downright disquieting level of intensity.
Poor Sarge, always gets the short end of the stick, doesn't he?