Culinary confessions thread

FUCK YOU

I put garlic and onion in almost everything i make. Is this somehow wrong?

It's not wrong, as such. It's just narrow.

Wrong? No. But I feel like I am at a culinary plateau where they are limiting the extent of what can be accomplished.

I had no milk and instead of using water to thicken canned lobster bisque, so I used vanilla coffee creamer my girlfriend had.

I cried.

I could make homemade mornay sauce for mac and cheese, but I like a box of Kraft shit better

I once had sex with a slice of apple pie, came in it, then ate it.

I once cooked a beef roast in milk and served it with a side of jellybeans to my family, because I saw it on Veeky Forums and have never seen It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

that's bad.... really bad...

When I made tacos, I always just use the Old El Paso brand packets for the seasoning.

Literally sprinkle some chili powder, cumin, oregano, salt, pepper, cayenne, pinch of cornstarch and a few drops of water in

so easy and it does taste better

>things that didnt happen

would kek if that dumb tho

I could but I LITERALLY don't feel like it.

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Sadly, I'm not just saying that to look cool on Veeky Forums. Was still delicious tho, because roast beef is delicious.

>there is a certain meal I make with rice-a-roni that I really really enjoy

I've had cereal with milk for the first time this morning and it tasted fucking terrible. I've always had OJ in mine and I always thought the milk in the ads was bullshit like the healthy happy people "eating" mcdicks in the ads.

okay I'm officially fucking done with this thread

>poisoning your mother
I like you.

I use to eat Kix cereal with tampico or oj when i was a kid.

I once forgot a pot of boiling water (went to play video games and forgot to set a timer) for so long that I came back to no water. When I lifted the pot the bottom separated, and- after an unsuccessful attempt to grab it with my bare hand that left my thumb with a huge blister- it slammed down on my foot.
Thankfully it landed on the thinnest edge instead of the broad side or I would have had third-degree burns on the top of my foot instead of a smallish gash right at the base of my fourth toe. It took me a while and a trail of blood to even realize it had hit my foot.

My nose involuntarily twitched in disgust while reading this post.

>I also enjoy sriracha, better known around these parts as 'meme sauce'

i break up raw top ramen, sprinkle the powder over it and eat them like chips.

also, i use A-1 sauce regardless of how the steak came out. I'll try it first without sauce though.

speaking of which, i sometimes salt my food before tasting it. i'm a fucking mess, is what i'm saying.

My family always have a steak night on Thursday.
The steaks are cooked by me but they ALWAYS have it well done like fucking plebs and get disgusted at the 'blood' on my plate. So to punish them I have started gradually injecting my own blood into their fucking ketchup, which they serve over the steak.
If they hate blood they can choke on mine

I once forgot the water to steam my vegetables. I was wondering why my vegies took forever to steam and tasted smoky and metallic.

It's almost like you haven't read hundreds of OJ-in-cereal posts in the past.

Oh, and I taste everything while I'm cooking it and don't change to a clean spoon afterwards even when I am cooking for guests.

What happens in the kitchen stays in the kitchen.

How can you not know milk is the normal thing? It's so much a part of our culture, it's like not knowing that fire exists or something.

>I sometimes salt food before I taste it
Nothing wrong with that. So long as it isn't
>I always salt food before I taste it

no, i realize what a dick move it is, but i just really love salt.

one more
I was 23 before i found out how french toast was made. i always asked my mom to make an egg on the side for me, and she'd always say "that's a lot of eggs".

I just thought she was being a bitch.

i rare use garlic.

i know garlic is fucking amazing and i should be using it. but i always forget to buy it when i go shopping.

>being too stupid to write a proper sentence

I found the idiot, everyone

A friend of mine used to eat frozen pizza when we were kids and I visited his house often. I hated the taste of the frozen pizza so I'd cover it in peanut butter and chocolate syrup to cover up the bad taste.

You forgot the full stop.

I rarely make food at home. The effort of driving and paying for food is more appealing than the effort it takes to make my own food. I come to this board in hopes of being motivated to make food, but it seldom works. I don't know when or how I became so lazy.

LE look at me I'm LE thread maker LE answer my LE questions for LE chance to win a trip to LE guys restaurant hehe XD

you start the fucking thread otherwise what are you trying to achieve?

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i love 'cha. sometimes i just spray it into my mouth from the bottle i love it so much.

can't think of anything horrible i've done in the kitchen but there have been a few occasions when i've put X tbsp of butter instead of X oz. the product turned out fine though

>I use any variation of canned tomato (diced, crushed, whole, sauce, sometimes even puree) interchangeably
I do this too honestly

what are you fucking retarded or something

>10 minutes ago
>1 year anniversary at work
>sweet coworkers bring me donuts
>have no idea im a crippling alky and trying to keep from trembling and keep my ice water down
>figure ill try one to be polite
>"oh but user, we got the special guy a special donut!"
>they pooled their money to get me le xtreme reddit donut
>giant maple bacon lucky charms peanut butter abortion
>i thank them and they watch me with bated breath, forcing this thing down
>the second they leave my desk i start projectile vomiting
>i want off this ride

can you not carry around a pocket flask with vodka in it and casually mix tiny bits with everyday drinks?

or does that not suffice?

Sometimes you just have a really peaky day.

I think I accidentally a litre of gin the other night, and that left me orbiting the porcelain perimeter for most of the afternoon.

Who are you quoting?

>making dinner
>put on some steamed veggies
>go do other shit while it cooks
>come back
>it's cooked perfectly but something smells
>lift steamer off of pot
>there's no fucking water
>the fucking ice from the veggies melted off and acted as the steam

Also

>be 7
>parents are out for a little bit
>want to make chocolate milk with ovaltine
>shit no milk
>oh well, guess i'll use water
>surely it won't be any different
>mfw

90% of what I cook is chopped in little pieces and mixed with rice

Caught the cat nawing on the Cristmas ham. Shoo'd it away and didn't say a word.

>shitting on someone elses grammar
>forgets the period

>twice as much butter as called for
>turned out fine though

no shit, I bet it was buttery heaven.

>work in vegetarian restaurant
>annoying vegan and "gluten free" customers every day
>I eat meat
>other employees eat meat
>we bbq and make roasts every weekend then laugh at the scrawny, balding hippies that pay 10$ for our food

I just made my girlfriend a fresh homemade pizza for when she finishes worm but instead of eating something like that myself, I ate a whole bag of double white oreos.

I'm a professional chef please send help

>worm

>forces girlfriend to eat worms before getting real food

Trust me, I'm sending help.

kek this is retarded and i hope youre memeing.
If not youre just lame kek "healthy happy people"

>za for when she finishes worm

hope it's 'go style 'za because that shit is the bomb!

I haven't been able to successfully make a italian buttercream, it always breaks

Same. The amount of times I've made a fancy ass dinner but opted to eat 2-3 packs of biscuits with a glass of milk is shameful really.

This is the worst thing I've ever seen on ck.

>whenever I drop some food, I pick it up and eat it right away. My floor is funky as fuck.
>I'm a meat eater but I love vegan food
>I buy and burn through a 2 lbs bucket of yoghurt at least once a week.
>Most foods I dislike happen to be phallic in shape.

youtube.com/watch?v=LIDmuLqWqDY

Kek, now I know I'm not alone. The thing is, it's not the shape that is the problem. I just so happen to dislike cucumbers, asparagus, bananas and the like.

>I`ve been lurking here for weeks but I still have no idea how to cook.
>I buy lunch alot because I`m not sure what to pack.

I`m a failure.

I put espresso in my chili.

My dad loves to cook and I grew up eating all sorth of fancy food, he is really good at cooking too despite never having propper training, he made better curry than I ever had anywhere else and I had curry at a lot of places.
The confession is that even tho I grew up with this kind of food I hate it, I only like curry and paella but only when he makes it with just chicken because the broth he uses tastes like shit I don't care how expensive it is and how hard it is to find. The worst thing I ever had was osso buco with spatzle. Ever since I moved alone whenever he makes that shit I barely touch it and after I leave I go straight to McDonalds to have some cheesy greasy burguer with fries

true story this happened to me and the roast was by far the best ive ever had

Back when subway was really fucking cheap I used to buy a couple chicken subs to go and just took the chicken and stored it on the fridge to have an easy quick lunch and munched the cheese bread and the honey bread

Why is there a lasagne under the pizza?

I buy a big bottle of coke every morning and casually sip it through the day finishing it before going to bed
I stopped brushing my teeth because it means half an hour of no soda
I ready lost several tooth and it keeps happening
I cry like a bitch but then I do it all over again

A true patriot.

>drink 1.5 l bottle of pepsi every day for the last two years
>no health problems

superior genes coming through

That sounds not bad. I've had decent chili with cocoa in it.

I once tried to make a mornay sauce using the flour and oil I had left over from frying chicken

I never use a whole loaf of bread in time before it starts to go stale. So I buy sandwich stuff minus bread from the supermarket and if I want to make a sandwich I get a day-old from a JJ's thats a block away from home.

I wish I had that option for milk. I buy it once every now and then because a recipe I want to try requires it, and I never finish it before it goes bad.

That's...actually not a terrible idea...

...

I regularly start recipes without checking to see if I have all the ingredients, and just sort of substitute whatever in the hopes that it'll all work out. I feel like I've learned a lot this way, but I've also been forced to eat a lot of terrible meals.

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This is an actual confession, bravo

I add avocados to everything I can feasibly get away with, when cooking for myself.

Sandwich? Layer of guac. Casserole? Avocado slices confirmed. Breakfast bowl? Pile in the green.

I just really enjoy the texture I think.

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Why don't you just get a couple of fresh rolls?

i recently realized grating onions adds a lot of flavour when you marinade meat. i cannot recommend it enough.

I shit exclusively in the shower.
I smush it through the grate so I can inspect it for any undigested food and then I adjust my diet accordingly.
I was only caught once, about 12 years ago when the drain backed up with feces which resurfaced when my dad was having a shower.

That sounds pretty good. I normally use a shitty canned beer when I make my chili but I now wonder how a coffee stout would make it taste. Probably horrible.

Das it mane

I got really excited at all the replies my post got but it was just because of my retardation

That's odd, over here in Ireland you can easily get 250ml-500ml bottles of milk (that's 1/32 to 1/16 of a gallon for Muricans) from the local shops.
But then again, I've never seen a gallon bottle of milk like Americans always seem to have.

As for my culinary confession, I fucking love extremely pungent, strong-tasting stuff like garlic and I will not hesitate to put double the recommended amount of such foods in recipes. I also salt food before tasting it.

The smallest I see around is a half gallon, and I usually make it through about 2/3. I just really don't like milk on its own, and don't have enough things to use it in.