Sup Veeky Forums, I really screwed myself this time and I'm looking at a possible 1-2 year sentence. I've been locked up before, but never for any serious time so I never bothered learning any legit prison recipes and used 95% of my commissary to get high. I was hoping maybe a couple of heads here may have some experience in the correctional culinary arts.
There are plenty of recipes I've found online, but I'd rather get some first hand advice from those who have had the joy of prison cooking (or just tried recipes for fun). I'm not sure if I'll be doing time in county or state prison yet. If I get county time, I will not have access to items such as hot plates, so please take that into consideration for some recipes. If I'm sent up state, I will have all resources available.
You can look up a basic commissary menu to figure out what items will be available. They don't vary all that much from prison to prison. Thank you in advance and I look forward to seeing recipe ideas, Also, pic related, where I'll probably end up if I go up state.
Got buzzed and accidentally hit someone. A kid was in the vehicle so the sentence was doubled.
Nathaniel Gomez
Nothing crazy and I don't want the topic to get derailed, but DUI, 3rd offense.
Gabriel Martinez
kill yourself you fucking filth
Nathaniel Gray
Lol, you were close,,,
Eli Mitchell
What's with the schizophrenia commas?
Liam Kelly
Wasn't me (OP). While it was a DUI and my 3rd, nobody was injured, nor were they in either of my prior DUIs. It was my first DUI in 8 years and only was given it because they cop was being a douche. I had smoked weed 2 hours prior and because the cop could smell it on my when he pulled me over but couldn't find any weed, he arrested me for a DUI because he couldn't live with himself if he didn't fuck someone else's life over.
Logan Sullivan
You could save the trouble of all this prison life advice and just fucking kill yourself
Blake Perry
damn
imposter OP here
what state where you in to get a DUI/prison for pot odor/possession?
Carter Collins
read...
Kevin Edwards
>i put everyone's life in danger but that cop was picking me YOU POOR THING
Adam Cooper
Pennsylvania. I was hanging out at my friends place in Philly and we had smoked a bit earlier in the evening. When my high settled down and I felt sober, I left only to get pulled over at a gas pump. I was coherent and offered to comply with a field sobriety test. However, in this fucktarded state they no longer need to give any sobriety tests, they can just arrest you if they want to and claim they suspect you of driving under the influence. They took my blood and then locked me up for 2 weeks until they got the blood results.
Jeremiah Wright
>smoked weed 2 hours prior
Weed highs last for 45 minutes, you dolt.
Lucas Cooper
that explains why you can still test positive more than 24 hours later?
Jackson Gomez
Huh?
Christopher Wright
Clearly you have never done any sort of drug in your life. You probably sleep in your moms bed during thunderstorms. Maybe once you turn 32 she'll let you stay at the mall past 8:30 and let you drink a soda after 9! =O
Evan Ortiz
>aggression detox is what you need.
Henry Gomez
Have fun in prison idiot
Thomas King
How about we get back on topic and you help me out with some recipes so I can have fun in prison.
Brandon Long
nah
Asher Long
>used 95% of my commissary to get high Sounds like you already had your share of fun, fucko. Enjoy selling your asshole for Wonder bread and ramen.
Robert Cook
Everyone on this board is too pussy to be in prison, op, let alone leave their house for anything except a grocery store.
Owen Martinez
My commissary funds for this stint have nothing to do with the 95% of my commissary I gave away 8 years ago. I'm taking $1,500 out of my savings and putting it on my books when I go in so I'll have a fresh supply of ramen, cheetos, tuna and more.
Cooper Mitchell
I can see that. Everybody seems focused on demonizing me for my unforgivable wrongdoing of driving a car while my clothes still smelled like a super scary illegal drug like marijuana. I would have thought that lazy basement loners would at least have some experience in creating culinary masterpieces out of snack foods with limited cookware. I think I kept my expectations too high for Veeky Forums.
Julian Young
That sounds like a good idea.
I advise buying tortillas, they're calorie-dense and bulking/filling vehicles for all sorts of more expensive food.
I didn't know PA was tough on weed. I'm Canadian though and cops are very lax on it here (driving aside at least).
Jose Foster
This is pasta.
Connor Cox
The criminal justice system is not to punish criminals, but to deter people from commiting crimes. You are a worthy sacrifice to uphold that system.
Benjamin Ramirez
They can definitely last much longer than 45 mins
Jonathan Fisher
Too bad you aren't black.
Cop would of shot you and this world have one less low-life on it.
Eli Watson
>I'm no longer having fun after 45 minutes so it's safe to drive if I have a couple of beers to come down they should throw away the key
John Collins
alright i got time...
it aint that bad bruh. depends on where you at and if you get money on the books. if you got family that has a little money it helps a lot when you down. I had money stashed after I got hit up and i trusted my girls mom to call it in, she took some "for the baby" but she did me good for 8 years. you get out on OR? pay a bond? how come you aint in co right now? bruh if you out now you should just start flipping some real fast, you going to prison anyway fuck it, come up on some money and give it to somebody you trust like senpai to put it on the books every other month it aint like you can do it yourself and that 150 go fast bruh. everything cost inside. the food is easy, either you got money or you dont. prison food is weak, sometimes you get something special like when they get donated shit for holidays or a some factories freezer go out but they always fuck it up and make it taste like some retirement home charly brown kinda food, bland as fuck. the food you can make in the cell is tolerable at best but you can make it spicy at least. I pieced money up every month with my celly cuz we was the same set and we was cool. no homo. some fools get robbed so be careful. you can get wrapped up quick inside even when you didnt do nothing so dont go telling fools you got money. if you poor then fuck it you dont have a choice anyway just make the best of it, you can always trade up food just make sure you know what they are saying when you trade up.
(pic) tapatio packs bruh, my life saver locked up. put that shit on everything.
Hudson Myers
lol so many tryhard responses,
Brayden Clark
I know, OP is a fucking idiot
Aaron Peterson
...
Isaac Foster
Fucking nigger
Levi Parker
>then locked me up for 2 weeks until they got the blood results. Land of the free
Evan Brown
What did you do? You write like a competent educated person.
Luis Hall
Nvm I should have checked first. That's rough dude. Never again.
Blake Reyes
>irregular nonagon shaped wall
That's pissing me off more than it should
Josiah Price
Cereals.
Recipe >milk >bowl >cereals >spoon
pros >no milk? milk Jamal (pic related) up >no bowl? toilet fills that role nicely. >You can use spoon to dig out of jail.
cons >need cereal.
Carson Campbell
holy shit. sounds like you got a public defender. you got fucked.
Nolan Scott
>being naive enough to believe criminal justice system isn't solely based on profit and profit alone
Nathan Brown
i drive around and operate heavy machinery while intoxicated on large amounts of xanax is that ok
look up other prison burrito recipes but yea, prison burritos
Jackson Robinson
F
Asher Carter
Fuck you, nigger.
"Waah, I smoked so much weed that two hours later I still smelled of it when I was driving and the mean policeman gave me my third strike."
You chose not to learn from your first two strikes and it's somehow the cop's fault? Fuck you, nigger trash.
Better get hot sauce from the commissary. If you have enough it'll get the taste of dick out of your mouth, and it'll also be a nasty burning surprise for Jayquan when he rapes your asshole. And you'll deserve every stitch you're going to need afterwards.
Owen Murphy
You could always suck dick for dat protein-rich semen. Sounds like it would be right down your alley given that you're clearly a massive fucking faggot.
Jace Russell
C.O. here, better buy yourself plenty of crackhead soups and popcorn that you can burn up in the microwave to mask the smell of the paper towel rolled cigs you'll be charging on for $5 a drag. Also if you can't afford a lock to put in your sock a can of jack mac or canned corn can work wonders on an assailant trying to steal your canteen or butt. Good luck and don't give the officers a hard time by asking dumb questions or begging for paperwork or Tylenol.
Tyler Carter
Chiefing* not charging.
Tyler Ortiz
>get 3 DUI's >"it's the evil justice system's fault not mine"
I hope Jamal has his way with you every day of your jail sentence you sack of shit
